A Believer in You

First and foremost, this blog is not intended to be malicious, nor insulting. It is merely an observation about the world we live in today and the people who reside in it. If this isn't your cup of tea, well, you know where the door is, don't let it hit ya where the good lord split ya! With that, I begin!

Religion. Religion is not a big thing for me. It never has been, it may very well never be (but I've been wrong before). Yeah, I may be a reverend (of Agnostic denomination), but I've never understood the big "hoopla" surrounding religion. However, that hasn't stopped it from laying impact upon my life.

My grandmother is religious. She goes to church (when she can build up the ambition to get out of bed), believes in God, says her prayers, etc. etc. I even think she classifies herself as a Christian. Has she told me to go to church before? You bet your ass she has! Has she ever forced me to go to church or sat me down to ask if I've found Jesus yet (By the way, this is where I'd normally say something along the lines of "Ah crap, have you lost him again?", but I'll bite my tongue)? No, she has never done that.

My other grandmother (a far less religious one, but who I'm told used to frequent church regularly) took me to church once. Don't ask me what sort of church it was because I was too young to remember all of the details. Either way, it wasn't a pleasant experience for me. I was pulled from my environment, taken away from my grandmother, sent to Sunday School and then found myself surrounded by a bunch of kids preaching about God. That wasn't the worst part though. The worst part came in the form of the Sunday School teacher. She seemed like a nice enough gal when not talking about God, but gave me the willies when everything detoured back to "Him".

"Has your soul been saved?", "Do you talk to God regularly?", "What's your favorite story from the Bible?"

What sort of questions were these for a four year old?! Up until I was eight I didn't even know what a "soul" was, let alone whether mine had been saved or not! As for the talking to God thing, I had tried once, but he never returned my call. It could have something to do with the fact that I didn't know how to dial his number, but that's just a theory. And what was my favorite story from the Bible? Well, I hadn't even seen one (a Bible I mean) until that very excursion to church, so the weird looks everyone gave me when I said "Batman" was understandable.

Needless to say, I freaked.

I proceeded to burst into tears and call the teacher fat, thus causing her to break into tears. Don't worry though, she got over it a lot quicker than I did with my "exposure" to holiness. Luckily, she was able to calm me down with some chocolate she had stuffed away in her desk, which ironically enough is why any time I walk into a church I automatically think there's chocolate hidden away somewhere, but I digress...

I've had a few other run-ins with religion. Nothing as traumatizing as my first visit to church, but still pretty bizarre. I've been hit on by Mormon chicks. I scared Latter Day Saints once by wearing an all black and red suit (for my brother's graduation, mind you). I was accosted at a bus stop by a Christian who thought my skull necklace was "Satan Worship". I've even been anointed with Jewish oil (Don't ask). Hell, I was told recently that I was being possessed by demons. Actually, that one stung a little because it messed with my head for a day or two. Oh, and because I shouldn't have been allowed near salt. Gotta have my salt...

Now though, I've been left to dwell on religion more so than I usually would. I have various groups of people telling me lots of different things. I've one religion telling me that I need to walk with God, that the only way to Heaven is "His" path. Without "Him" in my heart I'll surely be lost. Another religion is telling me that there is no such thing as Hell (which there is, go look at strip joints - the girls can touch you, but you can't touch them and you can't touch yourself! Come on!). A few other people with undisclosed beliefs have told me things like "There is no God, only existence.", "Your afterlife is what you make of it, just live as a good person and you'll be fine.", "When I die I'm going to the moon!" Yeah, that last one raised my eyebrows too. But you know what, it could've been worse, at least they didn't say Disneyland.

The thing I've come to realize about all of these point of views is this; None of them are wrong. Are any of them right though, that would be the question.

Ask any person from any religious denomination (or relationship with their "higher power") if their belief is wrong and they'll surely say no. They'll say that theirs is the only way and everyone else is just confused, that everyone else needs to (pretty much) pull their heads out of their asses and realize they're wrong.

How is that right?

There's God, Buddha, Kali, Thor (along with all of them up in Valhalla), Ganesha, Baron Samedi, Baldur, Hathor (as well as Anubis), Zeus (don't forget the troops over at Olympus), Hecate, cows (again, eyebrows raised), and countless others, each equipped with at least one religion to back them and an infinite list of things that I don't understand. Here's the thing though, each group thinks that they are the "super power" and the others are wrong. To me, that just sounds like a pissing contest.

"Oh, worship me and no one else." "No, worship me! I've got the ability to do this! (Flings arm and does something cool) See?!" "No, no, they've all got it wrong, it's actually all about me! I have chicken!!!"


As a westerner I'm told my "God of Choice" is "THE". You know, Mr. Almighty, "Mr. I let my son die to repent for humanity's sins, yet brought him back to do all this groovy stuff, but then had him become one with me, so now my son is known as me and I'm known as him, and it does sound like a really bad episode of Jerry Springer, but you have to have faith in this or be bludgeoned to death with something heavy." Figure out who it is now? Glad, thought you would.

The funny thing is I believe this. "Why", you ask?

First off, it sounds too ridiculous not to believe. Secondly, I have faith. Am I letting it drip out of every orifice? No. That's just a little unsanitary, and I've found it causes people to look at you differently. Is faith a bad thing to have? Of course not, everyone needs faith in something. Do I go to church every Sunday and turn to God every time I have an issue? No. I was told something once by a very smart individual, "God doesn't take attendance", which means I can use my time on Sunday for something more productive (like sarcastically thanking God for the weeds that sprouted in my backyard and grow like wildfire, which I can only cut down in the early morning because it's too damn hot to do it any other time of the day!) More over, I can't turn to God every time I have an issue. Yeah, the big stuff (like death or a serious break up) usually warrants a call to the big man, but a lot of people forget that he only helps the people that help themselves first. (And before anyone asks, yes, I pray, get over it.)

Okay, so we've established that I believe in God,(And FYI - just because I believe in God doesn't make any other religions not real) right? Right. Does that mean that just because I believe in God I am Christian, Catholic or what have you? No. There's too much crap happening behind the scenes in the Bible to dedicate myself to one of those titles. Besides, an older rule from Christianity says I'm going to Hell for having a tattoo. Sorry, but they can take that rule and shove it. On top of that, the Bible is mere interpretation, but I'll delve deeper into that in a bit, as well as my "other" belief.

This whole speaking of titles thing has made me realize something. Religion is high school. You've got all of these different groups that intermingle with one another, but never really understand or want to talk to each other. Not saying this is exactly how it would be, but let's look at it like this: Atheists - drop outs, Agnostics - geeks, Hinduism and other eastern religions - foreign exchange students, Catholicism - greasers/gang bangers, Judaism - the know-it-alls, Christianity - jocks/popular kids, and so on. You've got the Atheists who just want to be left alone, the Agnostics who pay attention to the world around them but don't say a word so they don't get pummeled, the Catholics who pick on whoever doesn't see things their way, the Easterners who don't know what the hell is going on, but all think we're stupid because of our arrogance, the Jews (only using the slang term to make a point, remember, no maliciousness!) who laugh at us because they think they have a better grasp on everything than we do, the Christians who trashcan and de-pants people because they are the "cool kids", and can do what they want. What all of these groups need is a rehashing of "The Breakfast Club" so they realize that it's not about titles, it's just about who we are. We're all different, yet we are all the same. We all breathe, bleed, and all have a fairly similar endgame in our religions (in a word, happiness). We, put simply, are people.

I mentioned a moment ago that I had another belief. That belief is in fact people. There is an issue with this though. People are flawed. I've been told you can't trust people, people are sinful, people are evil, blah blah blah. And to a certain extent, this is true. I said that the Bible is mere interpretation, and my point for that is it was written by man, so what was the "Word of God" could've been changed. That doesn't mean all of the Bible is wrong. I agree that you shouldn't covet a neighbor's wife, that killing is bad, lying just sucks (and breaking promises, which is a form of lying, and I'm a stickler for promises), and so on. But here's the sitch, God gave us three things, or gifts if you'd like to look at it that way - free will, the world, and each other.

Like I said, people are flawed. That doesn't stop a lot of us from trying to live a good life or do the right thing. Some times it seems hard to do what's right, and often people make mistakes, but people are also forgiving. I mean after all, we're only human and we all were cut from the same cloth, at least so to speak. Besides, a real God fearing person should realize that condemning humanity (like a couple of people I know) is actually one of the things that got Lucifer canned. Aside from his wanting to be seen as God (which actually makes sense, what child doesn't grow up and say "I want to be just like you!"?) or as better than God (again, what child doesn't grow up wanting to be better than their folks?), Lucifer was cast into Hell because he couldn't bow before man, because he didn't believe in us, because he didn't have faith in us.

I was told, very recently mind you, that my stake in humanity was wrong. I shouldn't place my faith in people because they'll let me down. In actuality, that train of thought is wrong, and a one-way ticket to Hell apparently. Yeah, one or two people have spoiled the ride known as "life" for me, but people as a whole I find very inspiring. We talk to one another, provide for one another if needed, and forgive each other. Don't get me wrong, there's quite a few bad apples out there, and getting angry with them is with reason, but there's one thing life has taught me; You can't have the good without the bad. I guess you could say it's a way of checks and balance. To quote a very kick-ass television show, "It's the blemishes that make her beautiful", which is the very best way to describe life, that is if you ask me.

Well, I guess I've rambled long enough... but I don't know if I've really said anything. I get that it's a lot to read, the ideas may be jumbled, the writing may be trite and repetitive, so if there's one thing that I want you as the reader to take back from this memoir, it's this;

Life sucks. We all may be different, but we're also all the same, and we're in this together.

Thanks for reading.

Michael Thomas Flanders
Phoenix, AZ
Age 22
Agnostic

Big Nothing (2006)

*Writer's Note* - It's been awhile since I've last written a movie review, so I'm just starting to get myself back into the groove by writing a condensed review for a recent movie I saw. Enjoy.

Big Nothing - 2006

Written and Directed by: Jean-Baptiste Andrea
Additional Writing Credit to: Billy Asher
Starring: David Schwimmer, Simon Pegg and Alice Eve

Synopsis: Charlie, an unemployed teacher, takes a job at a call agency, but is soon fired after his new work colleague, Gus, shows him a way to cope with unruly customers, only to have it backfire. To make up for his mistake, Gus offers to bring Charlie in on a blackmailing scam in order to cure their monetary woes. The only issue is that Gus' ex happens to overhear their plans, and then decides to include herself for a share of the profits. After much deliberation and side antics, the plan is put into motion. However, they run into a snag when they accidentally kill the reverend that they only meant to extort money from.

As most of you know, I'm a gigantic Simon Pegg fan. I've been addicted to his work since watching him in "Shaun of the Dead" (2003), and used him as one of my only reasons to watch Star Trek (2009). His work is brilliant, and I'm surprised he isn't more highly recognized as a great actor. On the flip side, none of this can really be said about David Schwimmer. Most of us are familiar with his work as Dr. Ross Geller on the television sitcom "Friends", but not much else. And let's not even bring up the almost unrecognizable cast member out of this ensemble, Alice Eve. However, none of this really matters when watching "Big Nothing" (2006). Simon Pegg is out of his element, but makes it work, David Schwimmer isn't a complete bonehead, and Alice Eve makes a nice femme fatale.

Now I will admit that the acting isn't completely spectacular. When I first heard Simon Pegg using an American accent I was a little put off. I felt as if he was just making fun of the American people as a whole, using a stereotypical voice as to breathe life into a character with not much going for him. Granted, the character truly didn't have anything going for himself, but I soon realized that this voice Simon Pegg was using wasn't making fun off us ignorant Americans - he was just being an asshole. The character was a complete douche, so he had to sound like a douche (which believe me, isn't an easy task sometimes). The only real issue with Simon's character was the fact that his plot advancement devices seemed a little too ill-placed, or rushed. This is the only time I really had concerns with Simon's acting in the film. David Schwimmer on the other hand, played a character whom was an out of work teacher that had just written a book and he was waiting for it to be published. This means he should have a rather wide range of knowledge. However, instead of being intelligent in the booksmart sense, he was more like a host for a trivia game show. His character seemed slightly contrived, and his performance mildly forced. The plus side to this is the acting soon gets overshadowed by the character's plight and story arc. As for Alice Eve playing Josie, the acting is relatively impressive for a newcomer, but the character herself is almost too intelligent... At least until part of her back story is revealed. If you ask me though, she was still a little too brainy.

There are times when the plot exposition in this dark comedy moves at a snail's pace, then other times it picks up to be faster than the hare that taught us to be slow and steady. The story as a whole is pretty good, but the ending is almost too predictable. The tone is great and the atmosphere adds that blend of humor with a sense of murder in the air. Not necessarily a spectacular film, "Big Nothing" is definitely a film not to miss if you're into murder-comedies with a cast that isn't completely inept when it comes to carrying a story. I have to say I've seen worse actors in better parts, and they just dropped my attention like a piano on their foot. My only advice is to rent this film instead of buying it, that is unless you're trying to beef up your DVD collection.

I Don't Care - Music Video

Alright people, before I get started let's go ahead and hear it... I know I've been neglecting my blog, and I apologize for that, but I've been busy! I've got a new job now that takes up a lot of my time, and on top of that I'm working on this troublesome script for a friend of mine... Not to mention all the outlining I've been doing for "Summer Daze II", as well as the edits and revisions to some of my other pieces. Either way, I apologize!

Now, this is a music video I used to neglect. Although an avid fan of the song itself, I just never really cared for the visual experience of it. However, I was perusing youtube.com the other day and realized just how artistic and "outside" the box this music video really was. The song is "I Don't Care" by Apocalyptica, featuring Adam Gontier of Three Days Grace (which reminds me, check out their music video "Never Too Late". The subtext is very dark, but it's a nice fit for the song.). Anyways, here's the music video, enjoy!

"Excuse me sir, are you watering the wall?"

I swear that I don't know what this world is coming to this day and age.

I was on one of my many adventures yesterday when I came across something that left me utterly confused and a little disgusted. Of all things to see in your neighborhood, hell, to see in the general public, would you expect to see someone of a non-vagrant demeanor freely urinating on a wall?

Now I know what you're thinking, it was probably a prank by some delinquent who was just trying to appease his self-righteous freedom of fighting against growing up. I say nay however, and feel obligated to tell you that this was a card-carrying member of the "grown-up" community. I rounded the corner down the street from my house and stumbled across this guy just letting it all hang out while he relieved himself on someone else's wall.

(Let's pause so you can all chuckle at the thought of me stumbling over a guy who was peeing... Continuing...)

Who did this guy think he was to just go around and use people's walls as his personal toilet? The horrible thing is as I passed that corner and saw what this guy was doing he just looked up at me, made eye contact, and then went back to looking at his handy work! The nerve of this guy, I swear!

But what's even worse than seeing this guy give a brick wall a golden shower is the fact that this reminded me of something similar I had encountered as a child. My father, my sister, a family friend and myself had just finished up shopping at the Zia Records out in Tempe (FYI - That place rocks) and my dad needed to hit the head. He asked the clerk if there was a public bathroom, to which the clerk responded with a simple, yet respective "no". With that, we took our leave of Zia's.

I need you to keep two things in mind; A) My dad hates to go out of his way, as most people do, and B) He was probably on his fourth or fifth beer for the evening (this doesn't include the beers he had for breakfast or lunch). The major point is though, that my dad needed to use the bathroom with relative urgency, but didn't want to be bothered by walking across the street and using the facilities at the nicely kept Burger King. So, what's a man to do when his own stubbornness gets the better of him? None other than stand in front of the car parked right in front of the lovely record store and relieve himself on the wall! Good times.

Of course as most stories have it, there was a problem. That problem came in the form of a friendly and "Oh so helpful" Tempe police officer! Ah, and the plot thickens!

My dad started to bathe the wall in a lovely shade of yellow right as the officer approached. How he didn't see the officer around in the first place is still a mystery to us all (and keep in mind that my sister, the family friend and I were all stuffed into the car, so we couldn't really play look out), but we only assume that his drunken stupor had something to do with it. Anyways, the officer walked up behind my dad and made a very simple, but very memorable inquiry; "Excuse me sir, are you watering the wall?"

You can only imagine that even though we were stowed away in the car, our snickers and laughs were in massive abundance. But I digress...

My dad quickly stopped his urination in mid-stream and somehow managed to say something along the lines of "Oh, I was just checking the headlights!" The cop, who could've easily given Sherlock Holmes a run for his money that evening by deducing from the water mark on the wall that my dad had in fact peed, merely chuckled to himself and offered some helpful advice; "Y'know, there is a Burger King across the street just in case you do need to use the bathroom." Someone give this guy a medal.

The cop bid my father adieu, but made sure that he was safely back in his car before leaving. At this point the logical thing would've been to drive across the street and use the john that they had BK, right? Wrong! The logical thing for my father is not the norm for everyone else. See, instead of taking the five minutes out of his busy beer-drinking schedule to go and tinkle, my dad decided to make the half an hour long trip back to my house and whine about not going to the bathroom in Tempe ALL the way there! Obviously you can see why my family is a dominate braintrust in the world today.

The moral of the story kiddies: don't take a leak in public unless you know for certain that no one is going to see you! But that's my funny story about urination this week. Maybe some time I'll get around to telling you guys about when I tried to kill myself because I didn't get to watch Pokemon, or that time my sister kept hitting me in the head with a baseball bat, or maybe I'll even build up the nerve to (dare I say it) re-tell the illustrious tampon story! Until then, take it easy people!... And please don't pee in public!

This isn't the Obi-Wan quote you're looking for, move along.

"Only Imperial Stormtroopers could be so precise."

Excuse me?! This right here should've been where Luke's Force-Sensitivity kicked in and he began to question Old Ben's intelligence. Granted, Obi-Wan had been detached from most galactic affairs for close to twenty years, what, with his self-imposed watch over Luke and all, but still... Even the Clone Troopers had poor aim! Seriously, come on, the only time a Stormtrooper hit anyone of importance was on Endor when that one winged Leia, and that most likely happened on accident while he tried suppressing a sneeze! (That Stormtrooper who shot Leia on the Tantive IV doesn't count because he shot her with his E-11 set on "stun")
Did Obi-Wan's mind deteriorate that badly though, while in his hut those sleepless nights without Qui-Gon, or did he leave Tatooine for a little bit to raid the secret stashes over in the spice mines of Kessel and that's what gave him such delusions? Whatever the case may be I have to say that my faith in Obi-Wan has now been shaken after discovering this piece of misinformation in Episode IV. Maybe Owen Lars was right when he said that Obi-Wan was "just a crazy old man." And we all thought it was Yoda who was crazy!

(Come to think of it, all the Jedi Luke encounters after he first finds R2-D2 and C-3PO are a little out there. Maybe they all decided to drop acid after the fall of the Republic. An interesting theory, must investigate further...)

My take on a Supernatural/Buffyverse Collision

This is a little fanfic piece I wrote while posting on one of the Supernatural message boards over at imdb.com. Enjoy!

(Sam and Angel are placed next to each other at the insistence of Spike and Dean)

Spike: (Looks both men over quickly and laughs, then speaks to Angel) Bloody hell! This bloke may be able to give you a run for your money after all. Look at those puppy-dog eyes!

Dean: (To Sam) See, Sammy!? I'm not the only one who picks up on the whole puppy-dog vibe! (To Spike) I'm always telling him that.

Angel: (Slowly gets butt-hurt) But I have puppy-dog eyes...

Spike: (To Angel) Uh-oh, someone is getting all brooding with their forehead!

Sam: (Thinking Spike is talking about him) Hey!

Spike:(Slowly points to Angel) I was talking about him, mate.

Sam: (Becomes mildly embarrassed) Oh...

Buffy: (Interjecting) I don't know, (Looks to Sam) this guy brings pouting to a whole new level, but (Looks to Angel) he's got the whole "I'm dark, scary, yet so depressed" in a "creature of the night" sort of way...

Angel: (Getting upset) Buffy!

Buffy: (Looks around quizzically) What?! I'm just saying...

(Awkward silence takes hold of the group for a moment)

Dean: (Breaking the tension) Don't worry Sammy, you're still my number one draft pick for pouting!

Sam: (Getting annoyed) Thanks, Dean.

Dean: (To Spike) Hey Non-"Vital Idol", a match of quarters for the next round, maybe get a game of poker going...?

Spike: (Begins to walk off with Dean) Sure... Got any kittens around?

(Both men stop and stare at each other questionably)

The End.

Updates and my "Hyperdrive" review

Hello to all of my not-so-adoring fans! I know it has been almost a month since I last posted anything, but hey, give me a break. Between having to understudy in my own play (The Grimm Identity a.k.a Kill You Dead) and breaking my nose, life has been busy! But I do feel the need to inform you that the play, starting out rocky with its opening show, was met with some pretty good reviews and happened to capture the attention of almost everyone in attendance! With that, I extend a congratulations to everyone who was a part of "The Grimm Identity", and I extend an even bigger congratulations to Mitch Solomon, the director of the show. Good show, sir, good show!

Moving on, I did mention earlier that I had recently broken my nose, so recent mind you that it was the day immediately following the last showing of my play. I broke the bone in two and even managed to get a pretty sexy looking laceration across the bridge. Needless to say, it doesn't look pretty right now. But to the point, during my recovery period I've been watching various television shows and movies, most notably being Nick Frost's "Hyperdrive" (2006). If you're unfamiliar with the name Nick Frost, you'll recognize him as the listless alcoholic Ed from "Shaun of the Dead", the slightly naive, but very eager PC Danny Butterman from "Hot Fuzz", or even as the tank-stealing gun nut Mike Watt in "Spaced". If any of these characters ever made you laugh upon viewing them, then you'll be baffled to find that Nick's character of Michael Henderson in "Hyderdrive" lacks just about everything that makes him one of Britain's leading funny men.

The show itself starts out slow, but quickly reduces its speed ten-fold, making it slower than molasses. The storyline of each episode strives to be original, yet always ends up becoming contrived and very uninspired. Almost all of the jokes induce yawns rather than laughs, and the ones that deserve a chuckle are passed by before a second thought occurs. Don't get me wrong, I find physical humor very funny, but there's only so much I can take of aliens licking someone's face in the name of peace and then trying to rub their genitals against another person's head.

The actors are all very talented, especially Kevin Eldon, of whom I first became familiar with as The Cleaner in Dylan Moran's "Black Books", but the talent is shot down before even leaving the gate. With all of this negativity weighing down on the "con" side of the scale I do have to admit that I'm extremely surprised the BBC would even permit finishing a complete season, let alone letting this show go on for TWO seasons with how lackluster its efforts were. I mean, the only thing really going for this show was the CGI, and even that got very tiresome to look at after awhile.

I'd definitely suggest leaving this show on any video rental store's shelf to collect dust while you peruse the store for another of Nick Frost's better comedy efforts. My advice; stick to "Shaun of the Dead" or Hot Fuzz", at least then you won't want to kill yourself with a dull spoon.