Let me start this off by saying I’m a huge fan of Star Wars. The idea alone of watching anything relating to Star Trek left me feeling traitorous and sick to my stomach. I mean come on, fraternizing with the enemy is enough to get people shot in some countries, so think about what another Star Wars fan would do if they found out one such as myself had “turned to the Dark Side”.
But I also have another devotion; I’m an avid fan of Simon Pegg. With this, I had to weigh my options. Should I grit my teeth and bear the raping of my delicate Force-Sensitive mind, or should I stay a Trekaphobic and miss the opportunity to watch one of my favorite actors perform brilliantly (as he always does). I hesitantly say luckily, but luckily the former beat out the latter. With that, let’s begin.
Star Trek (2009)
Director: J.J Abrams
Writers: Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman
Starring: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Eric Bana, Bruce Greenwood, Karl Urban, Zoe Saldana, Simon Pegg, John Cho, Anton Yelchin and Leonard Nimoy
The movie starts out with a light show and a futuristic Romulan ship attacking the USS Kelvin. Ironically enough, this just so happens to be the ship where George and Winona Kirk reside, with more irony following when George is made the new captain upon the attack and Winona is in labor. After the ship sustains too much damage, George orders Winona to escape in a pod, but to keep communication open so he can hear the birth of his son. With his last few seconds alive before a daring gambit, George tells Winona not to name their son Tiberius, for it’s a ridiculous name. Although she apparently listens and decides James should be the child’s first name, it is soon revealed that the full name for the child is James Tiberius Kirk (Who in the hell didn’t see this coming?!?!?!?!).
But that isn’t where the irony or coincidences end in the film, for the entire movie is riddled with them. Between the first encounter of Kirk and McCoy, to the chance meeting of Scotty on a backwater planet, Star Trek gives the audience an underlying tone of fate being stronger than time (I can’t say too much without giving away plot). This is where I’d be ridiculing other films for such attempts, usually for failing at the idea of trying to tie people together in such an odd fashion. Yet, I can do nothing but commend Star Trek for doing this because they did it (Dare I say it…) almost brilliantly. It pains me to say such things (Not just because of my ties to Star Wars, also because I haven’t praised a movie like this in some time), but J.J Abrams stepped up to the plate with his game face on and delivered a home run. The acting is great, the CGI is fantastic and there was nothing better than seeing these “new” faces deliver such lines as “Damnit Jim”, “I’m giving her all she’s got”, or watching Chris Pine’s William Shatner impression during the Starfleet Training Exercise.
Although I still feel great betrayal to the Star Wars mythos, I have to say that I cannot wait until the summer of 2011 for when the sequel to this film comes out. Until then, remember two things: Don’t judge a starship by its hull, but mostly “Live long and prosper.
P.S – I urge all Star Wars fans to put aside their differences and at least give this film a shot. Hating this movie without ever watching it will only prove your ignorance and blindness to the Force. Not to mention that it was Yoda who said that hate is just one of the emotions that can lead to the Dark Side…. Mull that over for a bit and see if you don’t kick yourself in the ass for how right I am.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Halloween - 2009
When I was a kid Halloween was one of the only times of the year that you could really be a kid. Nothing was greater than dressing up as a spooky creature, trick or treating for candy, being allowed to get away with some mischief, and above all else becoming scared. Sadly, Halloween has kind of fallen to the sidelines with other such holidays as Easter, Valentine's Day and the 4th of July.
However, I refuse to let it die without a fight.
This October was a very busy month for me. I was bombarded with zombie scavenger hunts, film festivals and script editing galore! Luckily, my down time was spent doing something productive - turning my front yard into a massive pile of scary and the macabre! There were zombies, scattered limbs, guillotines, and the guest appearances of the Grim Reaper and Satan.
Granted, I've seen houses a lot fancier than mine, but that doesn't change the fact that the response from the neighborhood was overwhelming. Let me put it to you this way, kids were falling off their bikes while checking out my house.
So I spent the month decorating and transforming the house into a B-Rated film, but completely spaced out on setting myself up with a Halloween costume. However, I had acquired a pretty awesome mask at the beginning of the month, which then became the bane of the children's existence. I garbed myself in all black, including a trench coat, and wore some demonic gloves to add some flavor to the outfit. I then sat out in my front yard as an inanimate object and waited for my opportunity to strike. Yes, there were the few skeptics who could see I was blatantly a person, but the crowd of people who became my scare victims overshadowed the former group by a landslide.
In short, scaring children dressed as Scooby-Doo, chasing male nurses halfway down the road, making teeny-boppers cry, nearly getting eaten by a pitbull and running after kids whose only choice was to flee into a moving vehicle was a great way to resurrect the Halloween spirit for myself, and hopefully for the neighborhood. Let's only hope that it carries on into next year for the haunted attraction I have planned!
However, I refuse to let it die without a fight.
This October was a very busy month for me. I was bombarded with zombie scavenger hunts, film festivals and script editing galore! Luckily, my down time was spent doing something productive - turning my front yard into a massive pile of scary and the macabre! There were zombies, scattered limbs, guillotines, and the guest appearances of the Grim Reaper and Satan.
Granted, I've seen houses a lot fancier than mine, but that doesn't change the fact that the response from the neighborhood was overwhelming. Let me put it to you this way, kids were falling off their bikes while checking out my house.
So I spent the month decorating and transforming the house into a B-Rated film, but completely spaced out on setting myself up with a Halloween costume. However, I had acquired a pretty awesome mask at the beginning of the month, which then became the bane of the children's existence. I garbed myself in all black, including a trench coat, and wore some demonic gloves to add some flavor to the outfit. I then sat out in my front yard as an inanimate object and waited for my opportunity to strike. Yes, there were the few skeptics who could see I was blatantly a person, but the crowd of people who became my scare victims overshadowed the former group by a landslide.
In short, scaring children dressed as Scooby-Doo, chasing male nurses halfway down the road, making teeny-boppers cry, nearly getting eaten by a pitbull and running after kids whose only choice was to flee into a moving vehicle was a great way to resurrect the Halloween spirit for myself, and hopefully for the neighborhood. Let's only hope that it carries on into next year for the haunted attraction I have planned!
Friday, October 16, 2009
IHSFFF - Opening Night: Starship Troopers with Casper Van Dien
The International Horror and Sci-Fi Film Festival kicked off with a major bang this year. The opening film of Starship Troopers was an amazing pick to start the festivities, but it got even better when Casper Van Dien, better known as Johnny Rico, stepped in front of the screen and showed everyone just what a character he is. Very down to earth, Van Dien is a smorgasbord of talent, and pulled no punches when demonstrating just how humorous he can be when a camera isn't rolling. A prime example of this came when someone asked him what it was like to work with Paul Verhoeven, the director of Starship Troopers. Van Dien, not a person to sit idly by and just answer questions, jumped out of his chair, donned a makeshift German accent and proceeded to do a hysterical, yet intense impersonation of the director.
"Ze bugs, killz ze bugs! Gah! Killz them all! Killz all ze bugs!", was just one of many phrases Van Dien yelled in order to get his point across. Needless to say, the crowd was impressed and laughed their CENSORED off.
After the film, Casper Van Dien was inducted into the IHSFFF Hall of Fame and even received an award for his work on Starship Troopers. Following that, he was found in another theater signing autographs and taking pictures with the crowd, almost all of whom agree that Starship Troopers 2 would've been better if he'd been in it. With a bowed head, Van Dien solemnly said that Sony didn't want him in it, but he completely agreed with the crowd. Luckily, he came back in Starship Troopers 3, and even expressed an interest in doing more Starship Troopers films. Have we seen the last of Johnny Rico? I highly doubt it, but I do get the feeling it'll be a couple more years before we see him return once more. Until then, "Kill 'em all!"
Starship Troopers (1997)
Director: Paul Verhoeven
Screenplay: Edward Neumeier, based on the book by
Rober A. Heinlein
Starring: Casper Van Dien, Dina Meyer, Denise Richards, Jake Busey, Neil Patrick Harris, Clancy Brown and Michael Ironside
"A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.....
It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.
During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet."
Oh, sorry, wrong movie. Hehe.... Changing reels now!
It is the not too distant future and the world is at war with Klendathu, a planet whose population is that of gigantic insects known as Arachnids. Johnny Rico, a high school student in Buenos Aires, signs up to serve in the mobile infantry so he can impress his girlfriend. After an error in judgment during a live-fire exercise and his girlfriend leaves him, Rico decides that the army life just isn't for him. However, upon his departure, Buenos Aires is attacked by an Arachnid asteroid, causing Rico to rethink his decision. From there on out, Johnny Rico places all of his efforts towards the eradication of the Arachnid race from the galaxy.
An anti-war satire, Starship Troopers pulls no punches in showing us exactly how the government tries to glorify war, while giving us the behind-the-scenes feel of their CENSORED. The acting is phenominal, the CGI holds up really well for being from 1997 and the overall film itself is a masterpiece of Science Fiction. A movie which has spawned two sequels, Starship Troopers holds up quite well to the test of time and definitely doesn't fail in comparing itself to today's warmongering society. We're not fighting 8-foot tall insects that can rip you apart in 2.3 seconds though. What? I'm just stating the obvious.
"Ze bugs, killz ze bugs! Gah! Killz them all! Killz all ze bugs!", was just one of many phrases Van Dien yelled in order to get his point across. Needless to say, the crowd was impressed and laughed their CENSORED off.
After the film, Casper Van Dien was inducted into the IHSFFF Hall of Fame and even received an award for his work on Starship Troopers. Following that, he was found in another theater signing autographs and taking pictures with the crowd, almost all of whom agree that Starship Troopers 2 would've been better if he'd been in it. With a bowed head, Van Dien solemnly said that Sony didn't want him in it, but he completely agreed with the crowd. Luckily, he came back in Starship Troopers 3, and even expressed an interest in doing more Starship Troopers films. Have we seen the last of Johnny Rico? I highly doubt it, but I do get the feeling it'll be a couple more years before we see him return once more. Until then, "Kill 'em all!"
Starship Troopers (1997)
Director: Paul Verhoeven
Screenplay: Edward Neumeier, based on the book by
Rober A. Heinlein
Starring: Casper Van Dien, Dina Meyer, Denise Richards, Jake Busey, Neil Patrick Harris, Clancy Brown and Michael Ironside
"A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.....
It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.
During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet."
Oh, sorry, wrong movie. Hehe.... Changing reels now!
It is the not too distant future and the world is at war with Klendathu, a planet whose population is that of gigantic insects known as Arachnids. Johnny Rico, a high school student in Buenos Aires, signs up to serve in the mobile infantry so he can impress his girlfriend. After an error in judgment during a live-fire exercise and his girlfriend leaves him, Rico decides that the army life just isn't for him. However, upon his departure, Buenos Aires is attacked by an Arachnid asteroid, causing Rico to rethink his decision. From there on out, Johnny Rico places all of his efforts towards the eradication of the Arachnid race from the galaxy.
An anti-war satire, Starship Troopers pulls no punches in showing us exactly how the government tries to glorify war, while giving us the behind-the-scenes feel of their CENSORED. The acting is phenominal, the CGI holds up really well for being from 1997 and the overall film itself is a masterpiece of Science Fiction. A movie which has spawned two sequels, Starship Troopers holds up quite well to the test of time and definitely doesn't fail in comparing itself to today's warmongering society. We're not fighting 8-foot tall insects that can rip you apart in 2.3 seconds though. What? I'm just stating the obvious.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Zombieland
Have you ever found yourself thinking about what it would be like to exist in a world overrun with zombies? Do you often daydream about the glorious moment that you get to beat someone in the face with a banjo ? Are your thoughts constantly revolving around raiding your local supermarket for that last box of Twinkies? If all of these things sound like you, don't worry, you are not alone. Welcome to Zombieland.
Written by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, and directed by Ruben Fleischer, Zombieland is a film that takes us on a thrill ride through a post-apocalyptic world crawling with mad cow disease infected zombies. The film's unlikely hero goes by the name of Columbus (played by Jesse Eisneberg), a man in his early twenties that has a phobia of just about everything. He soon hooks up with the banjo-wielding, Twinkie-eating, Hummer-driving badass known as Tallahassee (great casting choice of Woody Harrelson) and off they go together. The twosome set out on an adventure to head east where the zombie virus hasn't reached certain areas. However, Tallahassee soon begins to crave a spongy cream cake, so they make a pit stop. After luring a few zombies to come running to their untimely "redeath", the duo runs into another pair of survivors, Wichita and Little Rock (Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin respectively). Of course the two groups have a few disagreements, but they ultimatley join together to trek through the zombie infested planet.
In itself, Zombieland is a laugh out loud comedy that doesn't pull any punches, but it gets even better when Bill Murray shows up to do a cameo appearance as Bill Murray?! The pacing is great, the gore is never gratuitous, and the entire cast works together beautifully to bring together a story of death, fun and Rule #32 - Enjoying the little things. A movie that will definitely spawn multiple sequels, Zombieland is not one to miss if you're a zombie fan, a comedy fan, or a fan of Deliverence.
Zombieland - playing in a theater near you and most likely will be for quite some time.
Written by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, and directed by Ruben Fleischer, Zombieland is a film that takes us on a thrill ride through a post-apocalyptic world crawling with mad cow disease infected zombies. The film's unlikely hero goes by the name of Columbus (played by Jesse Eisneberg), a man in his early twenties that has a phobia of just about everything. He soon hooks up with the banjo-wielding, Twinkie-eating, Hummer-driving badass known as Tallahassee (great casting choice of Woody Harrelson) and off they go together. The twosome set out on an adventure to head east where the zombie virus hasn't reached certain areas. However, Tallahassee soon begins to crave a spongy cream cake, so they make a pit stop. After luring a few zombies to come running to their untimely "redeath", the duo runs into another pair of survivors, Wichita and Little Rock (Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin respectively). Of course the two groups have a few disagreements, but they ultimatley join together to trek through the zombie infested planet.
In itself, Zombieland is a laugh out loud comedy that doesn't pull any punches, but it gets even better when Bill Murray shows up to do a cameo appearance as Bill Murray?! The pacing is great, the gore is never gratuitous, and the entire cast works together beautifully to bring together a story of death, fun and Rule #32 - Enjoying the little things. A movie that will definitely spawn multiple sequels, Zombieland is not one to miss if you're a zombie fan, a comedy fan, or a fan of Deliverence.
Zombieland - playing in a theater near you and most likely will be for quite some time.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The First Friday Zombie Scavenger Hunt
So last Friday was the Second Annual Zombie Scavenger Hunt downtown. Last year my team and I participated in the first hunt and came in 3rd place. The people who won decided to bypass all of the actual challenges and just take pictures with passers-by with flyers. Although each picture is only worth five points, it really racks up when you nearly have four hundred photos of that crap. Needless to say, we lost last year.
This year was different though. This year we lost spectacularly! We dropped to 6th place and we didn't even get to hear what our total amount of points was. Wanna take a guess at how we lost? Yup, you guessed it! The pricks that took 1st didn't even bother to actually do the scavenger hunt. The winners decided to just do that stupid flyer thing and that's what gave them the VIP passes to the International Horror and Sci-Fi Film Festival.
Here's the sitch, next year I'm going there with a camera that can hold about a MILLION photos and then I'm taking a machete. Anyone who doesn't pose with me for a photo with a flyer or anyone that somehow takes the lead is going to meet with the sharp end of Mr. Slicey!
Grr, seething anger.
This year was different though. This year we lost spectacularly! We dropped to 6th place and we didn't even get to hear what our total amount of points was. Wanna take a guess at how we lost? Yup, you guessed it! The pricks that took 1st didn't even bother to actually do the scavenger hunt. The winners decided to just do that stupid flyer thing and that's what gave them the VIP passes to the International Horror and Sci-Fi Film Festival.
Here's the sitch, next year I'm going there with a camera that can hold about a MILLION photos and then I'm taking a machete. Anyone who doesn't pose with me for a photo with a flyer or anyone that somehow takes the lead is going to meet with the sharp end of Mr. Slicey!
Grr, seething anger.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The Haunted World of El Superbeasto
Remember the cartoons of your past? Remember the cheap animation, the gratuitously awesome plots, hilarious voice acting, and pretty much everything that made them great? Me too! Sadly, the nineties are gone, and with them the outstanding cartoons we all came to love. Now we're left with decent animation, but at the price of pretty much everything else. Don't fret though, our savior has arrived, enter "The Haunted World of El Superbeasto".
Written and directed by Rob Zombie, "The Haunted World of El Superbeasto" has everything that cartoons from the nineties wish they did. Profanity, full-frontal cartoon nudity, rats coming from a rectum, nothing is missing from this guaranteed cult classic.
Starring the voice talents of Tom Papa as El Superbeasto and Sherri Moon Zombie as Suzi X, Superbeasto's sidekick and sister, the plot revolves around the dubious Dr. Satan (voiced by Paul Giamatti, best casting ever!) vying for unimaginable power. However, the only way to lay claim to this power is if he marries a woman with the mark of the beast. More specifically, Dr. Satan needs to marry a chick with the number 666 on her ass. I know, the red tape, it'll drive you nuts!
After a long day of shooting porno flicks and killing Medusa-like monsters (at the same time), Superbeasto decides to relax at his favorite bar. To his surprise though, the lovely Velvet Von Black (portrayed vocally by Rosario Dawson) is on deck to strip in such a way that would even make my ex blush. The dance, being so outlandish, immediately entrances our hero, causing him to fall in lust. Needless to say, Superbeasto begins his courtship of Von Black.
But as fate would have it, Von Black bears the mark that Dr. Satan requires of a bride. So as any evil doctor would do, he dispatches his lowly gorilla assistant to go capture Von Black in the hopes of making her Mrs. Satan. A hilarious sequence occurs where Superbeasto walks in Von Black's dressing room, only to see her in what appears to be the "wheel barrel" position with Dr. Satan's gorilla. After questioning whether he should join in or leave, Superbeasto takes his humble exit with sadness. However, he quickly discerns that something is amiss and he should investigate, but he returns to discover that the stripper has been kidnapped.
A sequence with Suzi X stealing the head of Hitler ensues, and then Superbeasto talks to his sister, asking for her help in rescuing Von Black. Knowing full well that Superbeasto just wants to boink the stripper, Suzi X goes over a list of terms used for sexual intercourse, trying to make sure he has some type of decent agenda planned. A ploy to rescue Von Black is formed and then the movie takes us on a rollercoaster ride through absurdity, randomness, cult cinema and the questioning as to whether or not we're really going to touch ourselves inappropriately.
Guest appearances by Danny Trejo, Bill Moseley, Clint Howard, Ken Foree, Sid Haig and Michael Myers (Yes, THAT Michael Myers), as well as musical narratives (how can you go wrong with "Zombie Nazis standing at a wall now!") ensure that this film sticks with you for hours after its initial viewing. More so, Rob Zombie did a tremendous job combining elements from classic cinema with what the cartoons of yesteryear really wanted to show us. This is a breath of fresh air breathed into the rapidly decaying lungs of the animated world we're given today, Family Guy and Robot Chicken included. This is truly a cult cartoon, made by cult cartoonists, for cult cartoonists! "The Haunted World of El Superbeasto" is surely the animated film hit of the season, and a movie not to miss. Rent it for the family tonight!
Written and directed by Rob Zombie, "The Haunted World of El Superbeasto" has everything that cartoons from the nineties wish they did. Profanity, full-frontal cartoon nudity, rats coming from a rectum, nothing is missing from this guaranteed cult classic.
Starring the voice talents of Tom Papa as El Superbeasto and Sherri Moon Zombie as Suzi X, Superbeasto's sidekick and sister, the plot revolves around the dubious Dr. Satan (voiced by Paul Giamatti, best casting ever!) vying for unimaginable power. However, the only way to lay claim to this power is if he marries a woman with the mark of the beast. More specifically, Dr. Satan needs to marry a chick with the number 666 on her ass. I know, the red tape, it'll drive you nuts!
After a long day of shooting porno flicks and killing Medusa-like monsters (at the same time), Superbeasto decides to relax at his favorite bar. To his surprise though, the lovely Velvet Von Black (portrayed vocally by Rosario Dawson) is on deck to strip in such a way that would even make my ex blush. The dance, being so outlandish, immediately entrances our hero, causing him to fall in lust. Needless to say, Superbeasto begins his courtship of Von Black.
But as fate would have it, Von Black bears the mark that Dr. Satan requires of a bride. So as any evil doctor would do, he dispatches his lowly gorilla assistant to go capture Von Black in the hopes of making her Mrs. Satan. A hilarious sequence occurs where Superbeasto walks in Von Black's dressing room, only to see her in what appears to be the "wheel barrel" position with Dr. Satan's gorilla. After questioning whether he should join in or leave, Superbeasto takes his humble exit with sadness. However, he quickly discerns that something is amiss and he should investigate, but he returns to discover that the stripper has been kidnapped.
A sequence with Suzi X stealing the head of Hitler ensues, and then Superbeasto talks to his sister, asking for her help in rescuing Von Black. Knowing full well that Superbeasto just wants to boink the stripper, Suzi X goes over a list of terms used for sexual intercourse, trying to make sure he has some type of decent agenda planned. A ploy to rescue Von Black is formed and then the movie takes us on a rollercoaster ride through absurdity, randomness, cult cinema and the questioning as to whether or not we're really going to touch ourselves inappropriately.
Guest appearances by Danny Trejo, Bill Moseley, Clint Howard, Ken Foree, Sid Haig and Michael Myers (Yes, THAT Michael Myers), as well as musical narratives (how can you go wrong with "Zombie Nazis standing at a wall now!") ensure that this film sticks with you for hours after its initial viewing. More so, Rob Zombie did a tremendous job combining elements from classic cinema with what the cartoons of yesteryear really wanted to show us. This is a breath of fresh air breathed into the rapidly decaying lungs of the animated world we're given today, Family Guy and Robot Chicken included. This is truly a cult cartoon, made by cult cartoonists, for cult cartoonists! "The Haunted World of El Superbeasto" is surely the animated film hit of the season, and a movie not to miss. Rent it for the family tonight!
Pandorum
Okay kiddies, here's the sitch, I went to an advanced screening of the film "Pandorum" late last week, but I've been so busy working on my script that this is the first time I've blogged in almost a week. I know, I know, how dare I leave my loving public for such a long period of time. Even more so, how dare I blog about going to an advanced screening when the film is now officially in theaters. It's okay though, I'm here now and I can finally give you all my review of the film. Here we go!
When I first saw a preview for "Pandorum", I saw what everyone else saw - "Dead Space". Seriously, the commercials portrayed the movie like it was a direct rip off of the video game "Dead Space". However, this was a very misleading tactic by the film makers, most likely trying to use that as a way to draw in an audience. Well you sly tigers you, that's what did me in and peaked my curiosity.
I knew one minute into the film I was going to be dealing with either a sci-fi thriller or a complete debacle. Five minutes into the film I knew I was dealing with the latter. You can tell you're in for a real treat when the actual dialogue that sets the film in motion sounds a lot like follows; "I don't remember who I am, but I know who I am, even though I can't remember who I am, but I have this tattoo to help me remember who I am, but I can't remember what the tattoo means, but I now remember what it stands for, even though I just forgot, but I know who I am because I remembered that one time I forgot that thing that I remembered that I forgot." Take a moment to review that a few times and you'll become as baffled as I am, because that's about the extent of the dialogue that was used to begin our story arc. With that, I had hoped the movie would only get better. Sadly, I should've seen the downfall coming.
The movie continued to become more ridiculous, throwing cheap gore moments at the audience in hopes of getting a response, but this tactic was laughable at best. When we weren't staring at gooey space skulls or people being hung from traps, we were being shown what I can only describe as alien zombies. Yes, alien zombies. Well, that's what the people online are calling them anyways. The creatures have advanced speed, incredible strength and the appearance of Gollum, which trust me, is not a flattering look for anyone. Not only that, but it took easily three normal people using all of their combined abilities to merely kill one of these "advanced" monsters. Although, the film soon contradicts itself when the powerhouse of the human group fights the "tribal leader" of your alien antagonists in a one on one match to the death.
Speaking of the powerhouse in the group, he speaks a completely different language than that of everyone else he's around. I don't know if he's using an actual language from the planet Earth, a varied form of the alien dialect, or if he's just trying to eat his own tongue, but no one can understand him. Don't worry though, the writers soon cover up this problem by just simply forgetting about. Without explanation or some sort of deciphering device, everyone is kosher and completely able to understand one another. This is where I really looked at the screen and went "Excuse me, what exactly is going on?" Believe me though, it gets worse.
The leader of the human group, who is on his way to turn back on some sort of reactor, even though he forgot how to flip the "on" switch, begins to explain why he originally joined this now fatal space mission. He gives us this sad story about how he joined the "space army" and asked his wife to come with him aboard the ship he'd be departing on. To his dismay, she declines and leaves him. I know, sad, right? Don't worry, the guy quickly perks himself up by joining the "space army".... Wait, what? Isn't that what caused him and his wife to become estranged, him joining with the intergalactic militia? My head is officially spinning at this point in the theater.
To help cure what seems like fifty-five and a half bad movie ideas combined, the director gives us odd camera angles, gory sequences that really have no relevance to the now dwindling plot, and flashy scenes that are meant to capture the audience's attention. Luckily, this takes us to the end of the film.
Without giving much away, I'll tell you this - the ending was predictable, the acting couldn't get much worse than that in an elementary school play, and the film is left riddled with plotholes that I can only say are possibly there to imply the potential for a sequel. If there is a God or some sort of higher power, I can only pray that they'll stop any attempts at this spinning off into another film.
Lastly, the big punchline for the film, but they give it away almost immediately, is that "Pandorum" is like a space form of cabin fever, causing all sorts of not-so-nifty side affects. Paranoia, sweating, twitching, blurred vision, and complete stupidity appear to be some of the more prominent side affects of this lackluster "disease". Keeping that in mind, I left the theater with blurred vision, sweating and a feeling of what I describe as a hammer bashing in my brains. I hope that means I'm suffering from "Pandorum", and that I'll soon die in a horribly outrageous way that will allow me to forget whatever attempt at film making this movie was.
Oh, but the special effects were kind of entertaining. Just sayin'.
When I first saw a preview for "Pandorum", I saw what everyone else saw - "Dead Space". Seriously, the commercials portrayed the movie like it was a direct rip off of the video game "Dead Space". However, this was a very misleading tactic by the film makers, most likely trying to use that as a way to draw in an audience. Well you sly tigers you, that's what did me in and peaked my curiosity.
I knew one minute into the film I was going to be dealing with either a sci-fi thriller or a complete debacle. Five minutes into the film I knew I was dealing with the latter. You can tell you're in for a real treat when the actual dialogue that sets the film in motion sounds a lot like follows; "I don't remember who I am, but I know who I am, even though I can't remember who I am, but I have this tattoo to help me remember who I am, but I can't remember what the tattoo means, but I now remember what it stands for, even though I just forgot, but I know who I am because I remembered that one time I forgot that thing that I remembered that I forgot." Take a moment to review that a few times and you'll become as baffled as I am, because that's about the extent of the dialogue that was used to begin our story arc. With that, I had hoped the movie would only get better. Sadly, I should've seen the downfall coming.
The movie continued to become more ridiculous, throwing cheap gore moments at the audience in hopes of getting a response, but this tactic was laughable at best. When we weren't staring at gooey space skulls or people being hung from traps, we were being shown what I can only describe as alien zombies. Yes, alien zombies. Well, that's what the people online are calling them anyways. The creatures have advanced speed, incredible strength and the appearance of Gollum, which trust me, is not a flattering look for anyone. Not only that, but it took easily three normal people using all of their combined abilities to merely kill one of these "advanced" monsters. Although, the film soon contradicts itself when the powerhouse of the human group fights the "tribal leader" of your alien antagonists in a one on one match to the death.
Speaking of the powerhouse in the group, he speaks a completely different language than that of everyone else he's around. I don't know if he's using an actual language from the planet Earth, a varied form of the alien dialect, or if he's just trying to eat his own tongue, but no one can understand him. Don't worry though, the writers soon cover up this problem by just simply forgetting about. Without explanation or some sort of deciphering device, everyone is kosher and completely able to understand one another. This is where I really looked at the screen and went "Excuse me, what exactly is going on?" Believe me though, it gets worse.
The leader of the human group, who is on his way to turn back on some sort of reactor, even though he forgot how to flip the "on" switch, begins to explain why he originally joined this now fatal space mission. He gives us this sad story about how he joined the "space army" and asked his wife to come with him aboard the ship he'd be departing on. To his dismay, she declines and leaves him. I know, sad, right? Don't worry, the guy quickly perks himself up by joining the "space army".... Wait, what? Isn't that what caused him and his wife to become estranged, him joining with the intergalactic militia? My head is officially spinning at this point in the theater.
To help cure what seems like fifty-five and a half bad movie ideas combined, the director gives us odd camera angles, gory sequences that really have no relevance to the now dwindling plot, and flashy scenes that are meant to capture the audience's attention. Luckily, this takes us to the end of the film.
Without giving much away, I'll tell you this - the ending was predictable, the acting couldn't get much worse than that in an elementary school play, and the film is left riddled with plotholes that I can only say are possibly there to imply the potential for a sequel. If there is a God or some sort of higher power, I can only pray that they'll stop any attempts at this spinning off into another film.
Lastly, the big punchline for the film, but they give it away almost immediately, is that "Pandorum" is like a space form of cabin fever, causing all sorts of not-so-nifty side affects. Paranoia, sweating, twitching, blurred vision, and complete stupidity appear to be some of the more prominent side affects of this lackluster "disease". Keeping that in mind, I left the theater with blurred vision, sweating and a feeling of what I describe as a hammer bashing in my brains. I hope that means I'm suffering from "Pandorum", and that I'll soon die in a horribly outrageous way that will allow me to forget whatever attempt at film making this movie was.
Oh, but the special effects were kind of entertaining. Just sayin'.
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