Zombie Exploration

George A. Romero defines "zombification" as a viral mutation that infects living hosts, causing them to die and then become re-animated shadows of their former selves with only one real purpose: to feed. More simply, zombies are dead people that come back to life to eat flesh. With that, I begin my exploration.

As of late I've been given a real treat, I was able to join the 2009 viewing committee for the International Horror and Sci-Fi Film Festival. I've been privy to many, MANY, horror films within the past month. I'd have to say that the most common theme I came across was zombies. Some of the ideas I saw were very original in their delivery, others not so much (note to English; that's a sleight against Decadere, happy now?!). However, there was something wrong with all of these films, but I failed to catch the flaw until I finished watching "Diary of the Dead" (a satisfactory addition to the "Living Dead" series by George A. Romero). Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, was completely clueless about what to do during a zombie outbreak.

Now I'm not saying that I'm an expert in the field of re-animation or the living dead, I'll leave that to Herbert West. The point I want to make is a very sensible and logical one. Further, I must make it in the form of a question. Haven't we all seen at least one zombie movie or played a zombie-related video game? If your answer was yes (which it was), then you should've learned at least three things from your experience;

First and foremost, HEAD SHOTS! The only way to kill a friggin' zombie is to damage the brain. Shoot, stab, stomp, smash, decapitate, explode, and mutilate that damn head! It's really hard for a zombie to eat your face off if the brain is destroyed. And if by some chance you can't destroy the brain traditionally, or if you find yourself sitting on a keg of black powder, blow the fleshbag up! It can't eat you if it's in a million bits strewn about the ground, and I can guarantee you that you were still able to destroy the head during the explosion.

Secondly, bites are bad. If someone in your party is bitten, give them a lead piercing between the eyes immediately! Too many times I have seen in a zombie flick that someone gets bitten, but certain people in the party aren't aware of the fact that a bite is a viral contamination (because these people have obviously never seen a zombie movie), and then this leads to a thinning of the group by said member that was bitten. Save yourself the time, the bullets, and the blood in your body by just shooting the unlucky sap before he turns into the next "Thriller" audition. The human race will surely thank you for your sacrifice.

Lastly, use common sense. The issue with any zombie film is the lack of logical reasoning. Do you really think blindly reaching over a counter to pick something up in a place that may or may not be zombie central is really a good strategic plan?
More so, do you think it's a good idea to wear skimpy clothing while trying to wade through a sea of the undead?
Neither did I. Continuing....

My stepfather recently told me that the people who would most likely survive an outbreak of the undead would most likely NOT survive an outbreak of the undead (Take a moment to go back and read the statement until you understand it, I'll wait). To a certain point, I agree. Too well I can see the "Resident Evil" junkie leading a caravan of survivors down what looks like an abandoned road, only to make a rookie move and suggest that they take a detour down a dark, narrow alleyway. Don't worry, that moaning you hear is just off in the distance, the zombies are surely not in this area. How many of us can say that we never had the thought to take a cue from "Dawn of the Dead" and hold up in a shopping mall until help arrives? Guilty as charged right here on both accounts.

I think the real issue is that no one takes zombie movies seriously anymore. We see zombies as lumbering buffoons that just want to eat our brains. This may be accurate, but that doesn't change the fact that they are flesh-propelled meatsacks that would eat your thorax in a heartbeat. The believability of zombie films is tarnished in today's modern society. They're unrelatable and unrealistic. Granted, I don't expect to see corpses rising from the grave any time soon, but I also never expected to see a black president while I lived. With this, we should do two things; treat every zombie film from here on out as a video survival guide and have regular zombie orientation. I can guarantee you that we'd soon see a change in the way zombie films are made. Although, there'd still be some way to muck it all up and turn the people into a mass of panic-stricken babies, as is usual business.

If zombie orientation doesn't seem like your way to spend a fun-filled weekend though, or if trying to see the intelligence in NOT capturing a zombie to satisfy your own needs is unbearable, remember the "Mike Flanders' Guidelines to Surviving the Undead Apocalypse";

5) Survival of the fittest.
In my experience, it's usually the guys who say this first that bite it first. Don't talk about being superior, make yourself superior. Zombies generally have a land speed of about .3 miles an hour, who can't use that to their advantage?! (I apologize to all paraplegics, obese people and small children)

4) Don battle attire.
A person who decides to wear a short sleeve shirt and khakis while running away from zombies is just asking to have their intestines ripped from their still beating body. My advice, wear layers, lots and lots of layers. I recommend leather too. Multiple layers may prevent a zombie from actually puncturing the skin, which would in turn save you from that lead piercing I was speaking about earlier.

3) Don weapons.
Whether it be real or makeshift, get a weapon. A pair of scissors to the brain would work just as well as a gunshot. Carry multiple weapons too. Circumstances may arise that could prevent you from keeping possession of your weapon of choice (stop picturing Christopher Walken dancing). Turn yourself into a boyscout, always be prepared.

2) Recognize the severity of the situation, but take time to enjoy yourself.
As demonstrated with "Shaun of the Dead", it is very easy to kill zombies and have a good time. Have a few drinks, pop on some Queen and go to town on a zombie with some pool cues. Just don't go over board, zombies were people too ya'know! I'd suggest trying to get them to sing a song with you and your flat-mate after having a few rounds at the pub. I wouldn't suggest tying them to tree trunks, however, and using them for target practice. Somehow, it always backfires and it really doesn't strengthen the friendship bond.

1) HEAD SHOTS and Vehicles.
The first part of this last rule is very self-explanatory, which means I won't waste any time on it. The second part is what seems to be a real issue. If you have a car and a full tank of gas, plow through the worm food like it's going out of style! Don't put yourself in a potential situation by stopping to see if this person is dead or not. Nine times out of ten, they're dead, and that missing one is usually an infected time bomb. Push the pedal down and drive until you're running on fumes. Just make sure you aim your general driving direction somewhere away from a possible outbreak site, you don't want to break down in the middle of a zombie box social.

If even these guidelines don't help you, remember one thing - common sense.
Don't run towards a flesh-eating mob with a cudgel, never separate, don't hide an infectious bite, don't stop for other people with guns who look like they belong in the "Hell's Angels", and so on. Logic and reasoning will help you survive a lot longer than any sort of gatling gun or rocket launcher... Wait, scratch that. Find yourself a gatling gun AND rocket launcher as soon as you can, then you won't need logic OR reasoning! Hey, it works in the movies, doesn't it?

Twilight

Let me start by saying that I'm an avid fan of the horror genre, vampires especially. The seduction of supernatural abilities and an eternal life have all but made me want to hop on board the blood-sucking bandwagon! Yes, there is that pesky allergic reaction to the sun, but we all have our issues, right? Spontaneous combustion may be a risk, but given the appropriate circumstances I'm sure the hindrance could be mild. With that said, let's move on....

When I first heard about "Twilight", I didn't know what to expect. To me, it just sounded like a money-making scheme, a way to make a quick buck off of the teenage heart-throb community (which by the way, if you weren't paying attention, it worked).

My introduction into the "Twilight" phenomenon was originally caused by my girlfriend (correction: former girlfriend). She had been working at a movie theater at the time of the film's release and was curious about it (this by the way, is where I point out that "curiosity killed the cat"). And my girlfriend, being the impatient type, saw the movie almost immediately upon her curiosity being peaked. Needless to say, being that she's a female and falls into the "heart-throb community", she went and saw it six more times after her original encounter. Sadly, this is what lead to MY curiosity being peaked (I know, kitty-cat + curiosity = death by semi-truck).

I came home early one day from work and thought that a nice afternoon out with my gal would be an appropriate way to spend the day. More so, I thought a film was in order. With that, we went to the movies, or as Dane Cook would say, we went on a "cinematic adventure"! We arrived at the theater, got our soda, our popcorn, made our rounds to the bathroom right before everything started, and so on. Finally, the lights went dim and the trailers rolled. This is where I entered the "zero hour", as I'd like to call it.

Now I have to admit that I'm a person who enjoys a good story, especially when told right. However, the first ten minutes of this film told me exactly what sort of debacle I had gotten myself into. The story I've pieced together from the film itself, from various people who have told me about the book and from Wikipedia.org, is somewhat tolerable. The story presented at face value in the movie though, is quite a disappointment. Its pacing is off, there's no real scene that screams for attention and it all just seems a little uninspired. Further, I had found forty-five minutes into the film that spending quality time with my girlfriend was not worth the ocular rape I was surely receiving.

And of course I know that I'm too far back from the time now to even touch the subject of the glittering vampire conundrum. I praise the idea for trying to be original, but I can't give it major kudos for having its heart in the right place when it makes me want to plunge a rusty railroad spike through my eye and into the depths of my brain so I can end the mental enema I was given. But I digress....

In rare instances, a film the gives the audience a dull story to work with can be saved with outstanding acting abilities. In these instances though, it does help if the cast actually has "acting abilities". "Twilight" had the same issue that "Star Wars: Episode I" suffered from; it seemed like a read-through of the script, nothing more. The talent in this film were all lacking in the same respect; no enthusiasm or believability. Bella constantly seemed like she was in sort of a half-baked daze, while Edward looked like a mix between a ten year old boy that received his first erection during the middle of class and like he was thoroughly constipated (not a flattering combination). The support characters all seemed like they were being held against their will by some sort of unknown entity that would extinguish their lives if they stopped partaking in the events of the film. More to the point, I've seen sock puppets with better acting quality.

As the film ended, I was hit with a mixture of emotions. First and foremost, relief rushed to the surface of my inner being because the two hour voluntary torture sequence I was privy to had finally ended. Secondly, I was disappointed at the fact that I would never get those two hours back. Lastly, I left the theater feeling stupider. Yes, that's right, stupider. My brain had been so warped due to the display of a genre being destroyed that I walked out of that place feeling so stupid that "stupider" would be the only way to describe just how dumb I felt. To this day I wish there was some voodoo ceremony that would allow me to reclaim the braincells I lost watching that movie.

Furthermore, I understand that everyone has their own tastes, their own interests. Hell, that's what makes us human. What I can't understand is how so many people are blind to the fact that there are so many better vampiric movies out there that they shouldn't risk their intelligence on a film that has a rejected Harry Potter actor as a lead. I implore all who find this film fascinating to turn their attention to a film like "30 Days of Night", a movie about the raw, visceral power that a vampire should have. Or if teenage vampirism is your cup of tea, check out "The Lost Boys". It's not the greatest movie in the world, but it explores vampires in a more original light than most films, plus its vampires don't sparkle.

In closing, I understand that a sequel for "Twilight" has been made, a film that goes by the name of "New Moon". I'm even told that werewolves will be making an appearance within the next movie or so. Although a decent addition to a horror film, doesn't the whole vampire-werewolf situation sound a little familiar? It may not have been explored well in "Underworld", but that doesn't change the fact that it's been done. If this is the avenue of which will be explored, let's face facts and call the "Twilight" movies what they should be called, "Underworld: The Teenage Angst Years". I think you'll find that this title works better with marketing anyways.....