Twilight

Let me start by saying that I'm an avid fan of the horror genre, vampires especially. The seduction of supernatural abilities and an eternal life have all but made me want to hop on board the blood-sucking bandwagon! Yes, there is that pesky allergic reaction to the sun, but we all have our issues, right? Spontaneous combustion may be a risk, but given the appropriate circumstances I'm sure the hindrance could be mild. With that said, let's move on....

When I first heard about "Twilight", I didn't know what to expect. To me, it just sounded like a money-making scheme, a way to make a quick buck off of the teenage heart-throb community (which by the way, if you weren't paying attention, it worked).

My introduction into the "Twilight" phenomenon was originally caused by my girlfriend (correction: former girlfriend). She had been working at a movie theater at the time of the film's release and was curious about it (this by the way, is where I point out that "curiosity killed the cat"). And my girlfriend, being the impatient type, saw the movie almost immediately upon her curiosity being peaked. Needless to say, being that she's a female and falls into the "heart-throb community", she went and saw it six more times after her original encounter. Sadly, this is what lead to MY curiosity being peaked (I know, kitty-cat + curiosity = death by semi-truck).

I came home early one day from work and thought that a nice afternoon out with my gal would be an appropriate way to spend the day. More so, I thought a film was in order. With that, we went to the movies, or as Dane Cook would say, we went on a "cinematic adventure"! We arrived at the theater, got our soda, our popcorn, made our rounds to the bathroom right before everything started, and so on. Finally, the lights went dim and the trailers rolled. This is where I entered the "zero hour", as I'd like to call it.

Now I have to admit that I'm a person who enjoys a good story, especially when told right. However, the first ten minutes of this film told me exactly what sort of debacle I had gotten myself into. The story I've pieced together from the film itself, from various people who have told me about the book and from Wikipedia.org, is somewhat tolerable. The story presented at face value in the movie though, is quite a disappointment. Its pacing is off, there's no real scene that screams for attention and it all just seems a little uninspired. Further, I had found forty-five minutes into the film that spending quality time with my girlfriend was not worth the ocular rape I was surely receiving.

And of course I know that I'm too far back from the time now to even touch the subject of the glittering vampire conundrum. I praise the idea for trying to be original, but I can't give it major kudos for having its heart in the right place when it makes me want to plunge a rusty railroad spike through my eye and into the depths of my brain so I can end the mental enema I was given. But I digress....

In rare instances, a film the gives the audience a dull story to work with can be saved with outstanding acting abilities. In these instances though, it does help if the cast actually has "acting abilities". "Twilight" had the same issue that "Star Wars: Episode I" suffered from; it seemed like a read-through of the script, nothing more. The talent in this film were all lacking in the same respect; no enthusiasm or believability. Bella constantly seemed like she was in sort of a half-baked daze, while Edward looked like a mix between a ten year old boy that received his first erection during the middle of class and like he was thoroughly constipated (not a flattering combination). The support characters all seemed like they were being held against their will by some sort of unknown entity that would extinguish their lives if they stopped partaking in the events of the film. More to the point, I've seen sock puppets with better acting quality.

As the film ended, I was hit with a mixture of emotions. First and foremost, relief rushed to the surface of my inner being because the two hour voluntary torture sequence I was privy to had finally ended. Secondly, I was disappointed at the fact that I would never get those two hours back. Lastly, I left the theater feeling stupider. Yes, that's right, stupider. My brain had been so warped due to the display of a genre being destroyed that I walked out of that place feeling so stupid that "stupider" would be the only way to describe just how dumb I felt. To this day I wish there was some voodoo ceremony that would allow me to reclaim the braincells I lost watching that movie.

Furthermore, I understand that everyone has their own tastes, their own interests. Hell, that's what makes us human. What I can't understand is how so many people are blind to the fact that there are so many better vampiric movies out there that they shouldn't risk their intelligence on a film that has a rejected Harry Potter actor as a lead. I implore all who find this film fascinating to turn their attention to a film like "30 Days of Night", a movie about the raw, visceral power that a vampire should have. Or if teenage vampirism is your cup of tea, check out "The Lost Boys". It's not the greatest movie in the world, but it explores vampires in a more original light than most films, plus its vampires don't sparkle.

In closing, I understand that a sequel for "Twilight" has been made, a film that goes by the name of "New Moon". I'm even told that werewolves will be making an appearance within the next movie or so. Although a decent addition to a horror film, doesn't the whole vampire-werewolf situation sound a little familiar? It may not have been explored well in "Underworld", but that doesn't change the fact that it's been done. If this is the avenue of which will be explored, let's face facts and call the "Twilight" movies what they should be called, "Underworld: The Teenage Angst Years". I think you'll find that this title works better with marketing anyways.....