Here is an excerpt from my play "Ichabod's Hollow", which will be performed by the students of West Phoenix High School at the beginning of December. The story has thus far been narrated from the present, and this scene introduces us to the infamous eccentric, Ichabod Crane.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Professor Shubert, where’s Ichabod Crane? I asked to see him over twenty minutes ago!
(Professor Shubert enters hastily with Ichabod Crane)
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
Here he is, sir. I’m sorry it took so long, but I had to track him down all the way to the women’s quarters.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
And why was young Crane in the women’s quarters?
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
He says he was there in search of-
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
That’s enough, Professor Shubert. You may go now.
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
But-
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Thank you, professor.
(Professor Shubert prepares to argue, but immediately stops)
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
You’re very welcome, headmaster.
(Professor Shubert leaves)
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Now Ichabod, I’m going to ask you a very serious question, and I want an honest answer. Were you in the women’s quarters investigating more supernatural occurrences, or have you finally set your sights on the most dangerous creature known to man; the woman?
ICHABOD:
I was investigating a possible ghoul infestation, which could prove fatal to the entire student body…
(Headmaster Johnson sighs and shakes his head slightly)
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Ichabod…
ICHABOD:
Hear me out, headmaster! I have undeniable proof that there is a nest of ghouls living right under the women’s dormitory. All I need to do is pull up the floorboards and-
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
I don’t want to hear it, Ichabod.
ICHABOD:
Headmaster Johnson, please! I must get into the floor and sprinkle some concentrated acid as to repel and destroy these creatures before their infestation affects the very fabric of this university!
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
I think you should concentrate your efforts more towards the performing arts than combating monsters, wouldn’t you agree?
ICHABOD:
Sir?
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Your melodrama is quite entertaining.
ICHABOD:
Jokes? Amusement? Your cavalier attitude will be the downfall of this place!
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Ichabod, let me worry about the university. I’d like you to turn your attention elsewhere.
ICHABOD:
And where would that be, headmaster? Scrubbing clean the privies? Tending the garden? Or perhaps you’d like me to clean the dung from the stables?
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Actually, I’d like you to investigate murder.
ICHABOD:
Murder?!
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
There is a village not far from here called Tarry Town. Are you familiar with it?
(Ichabod shakes his head “no”)
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Just beyond it lies a glen called Sleepy Hollow. The university actually gets a lot of its exports from there; clothes, bedding, what have you.
There was a report of a murder last week in Sleepy Hollow, soon followed by complete silence from the town. I’d like you to go investigate the situation.
ICHABOD:
But Headmaster Johnson, I don’t see why I’d be an appropriate candidate to do this. Surely there are more capable persons for such things.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
On any other day I’d completely agree with you. But alas, you happen to be the absolute best person for the job, solely for the fact the murder was committed by an apparition.
ICHABOD:
I beg your pardon?
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Yes, Ichabod, a ghost is the culprit. And with your background in the mysterious and occult, as well as being an educated individual, you are who I’m sending to inspect this wild claim. All the information you need to know about the murder and your contact in Sleepy Hollow is available in these papers. Please feel free to read through them on the ride over there. Your coach will be departing in twenty minutes.
ICHABOD:
You’re sending me today? That’s hardly enough time to prep my research for transport, nor is it adequate time to obtain the appropriate supplies I’ll need to tackle a spirit. Headmaster, I must object…
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Ichabod, your father sent you here because your taste for the unexplained was interfering with the rest of the household. Your father even donated a large sum of money as to keep your eccentricities appeased while here. I am now giving you the ability to explore your passion without restraint, I pray you won’t throw the opportunity away.
(Professor Shubert enters with Alexander Masbeth)
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
What is it, professor?
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
Your favorite student, Alexander Masbeth.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
What’s he done now?
ALEXANDER:
I’m standing in the same room as everyone, this means I can speak for myself.
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
Quiet you! Mr. Masbeth here was caught frolicking uncleanly with the Lady Timbleton.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Lady Timbleton? This is some sort of jest, is it not?
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
Sadly, it is not, headmaster.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Alexander, we have spoken about this! Does your lechery know no bounds?
ALEXANDER:
What do you want me to say, headmaster? Lady Timbleton approached me about dissatisfaction with the owner of her womanhood. I merely offered her consoling.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Consoling does not mean a tumble in the hay around the backside of the stables! Hell’s horses, man, her husband is currently the richest benefactor this university has!
ALEXANDER:
Your point being?
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
My point being? You arrogant ponce, I should throw you out of this institution for such brashness… Or something much more punitive…
ALEXANDER:
You wouldn’t? Even for you that would be out of line. How could I go on living without my manhood?!
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Calm down, young Masbeth. Time and your insatiable hunger for the female anatomy will eat away at that part of you. No, what I have in mind for you is to accompany Mr. Crane here to Sleepy Hollow.
ALEXANDER:
I’m flattered, but I leave the male-to-male relations with Shakespeare.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Is your mind never in such a perverted place? Bah! Ichabod, take him to your quarters and prepare for departure. You can brief him on the situation once you make way with the coach.
ICHABOD:
But headmaster-
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Go, Ichabod. This is not up for discussion any further.
(Ichabod prepares to exit with Alexander)
ALEXANDER:
Hey, do you happen to have a sister I can say hello to before we leave?
ICHABOD:
Bah!
(Ichabod and Alexander leave the room)
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
You’re sending Ichabod to the Hollow?
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Yes.
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
But what if he learns the truth?
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
That’s the whole point, Professor Shubert. I’ve spoken to his father and this is what he wants. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work.
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
Of course.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
By the way, professor, could you make a visit to the women’s dormitory? I need you to sprinkle some concentrated acid about the place.
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
So Ichabod was right about the infestation?
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Has he been wrong so far in his discoveries of this place?
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Fine Print (draft two)
Here's my newest version of "Fine Print". There's a different twist at the end, so let me know how it works compared to the original. (Keep in mind that the proper script format can't transfer over properly onto blogger, hence why some parts look weird or jumbled together)
Fine Print
Written by: Michael T. Flanders
Setting: Two men are in a dimly lit bomb shelter, fending off the imposing apocalypse through conversation. John has just revealed a truth to Charlie. They begin to speak after a crashing explosion outside jostles the bunker.
(Lights up)
JOHN:
I’m sorry.
CHARLIE:
You’re sorry?!
JOHN:
What else do you want me to say? What else can be said?
CHARLIE:
I’m sure you can muster up something better than a half-assed apology. Don’t you understand what you’re telling me, what you did?
JOHN:
Yes Charlie, I’m well aware of what I did, and I’d take it all back if I could…
CHARLIE:
No, I don’t think you grasp the severity of the situation here. You ended the world! A simple apology ain’t going to cut it.
JOHN:
Then what do you want me to say, huh? Obviously you’re an expert on this shit! Just tell me what you want to hear and I’ll say it!
CHARLIE:
I don’t know what I want to hear, John! It’s not everyday my best friend tells me he nuked the planet! Excuse me for not having cue cards or pre-designated answers when this comes up in idle conversation.
JOHN:
Oh yeah, I nuked the fucking planet, that’s exactly what I did. I woke up yesterday morning and went over my things to do for the day; fold laundry, go grocery shopping, end the world. Your melodrama sickens me.
CHARLIE:
My melodrama? Your snarky ass is the one sitting there making light of the situation through buckets of the stuff.
JOHN:
I know, Charlie. I know. It’s just… It’s hard. I mean, one day I’m going to work, mowing the lawn, and having drinks at the bar. The next day I’m bludgeoning to death someone who’s been dead for years. Hell, the next day I’m hiding out in a bomb shelter as to avoid the next blast wave of fire and brimstone.
(Charlie Chuckles)
JOHN:
What’s so funny?
CHARLIE:
Who knew Revelations would’ve been so on the ball, right?
JOHN:
What do you mean?
CHARLIE:
Corinthians 15:52 – “In the moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump; for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.”
JOHN:
You know the Bible? I never took you as a religious person.
CHARLIE:
I’m not, but my folks made me go to church when I was younger. Although it was against what I wanted, I made the best of the situation. I found Revelations while I was there and immediately fell in love with it. God was smiting some major ass, and it played out like an intense end-all horror flick. I just never thought I’d be living it.
JOHN:
Welcome to my nightmare.
CHARLIE:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here’s the one thing I don’t get though-
JOHN:
The one thing?!
CHARLIE:
You say you sold your soul, right?
JOHN:
Yes.
CHARLIE:
And then right after that is when all of this stuff started happening?
JOHN:
Pretty much.
CHARLIE:
Then how do you know they’re connected? How do you know if you even sold your soul?
JOHN:
Charlie, you know me. Do I seem like the type of guy to buy into BS like that? I… I can’t explain it properly. All I know is I felt completely different after I made the deal, like a part of me was missing. As for how I know they’re connected, well…
CHARLIE:
Yeah?
JOHN:
The Devil told me they were.
CHARLIE:
Wait, what? The Devil? As in THE Devil? Beezelbub, the Prince of Darkness, the Fallen Angel, Lucifer?
JOHN:
The one and only.
CHARLIE:
Well, what happened then? He bet a fiddle of gold against your soul and you lost, then to top it off he decided to throw an apocalypse party in celebration?
JOHN:
No, it’s not like that! I have no clue how this shit works, Charlie! I’m just going off of what he said after we shook on the deal.
CHARLIE:
Then what’s it like?! Tell me how you selling your soul just so happened to screw over humanity!
JOHN:
I don’t fucking know! I asked for something, didn’t get it, and this was the outcome, that’s it! Okay, are you happy? Is that an answer that suffices?
CHARLIE:
Of course it’s not an answer that suffices!
JOHN:
Well too bad, that’s all I got.
(Pause)
CHARLIE:
What’d you ask for?
JOHN:
Pardon?
CHARLIE:
In exchange for your soul, what’d you ask for?
JOHN:
You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
CHARLIE:
You began this conversation by saying you started the apocalypse. Try me.
JOHN:
Charlie…
(John sighs)
How long have we known each other now, twenty-five years?
CHARLIE:
Give or take.
JOHN:
Has my life ever appeared… happy?
CHARLIE:
I don’t think it’s been a walk in the park, but you’ve had your ups and downs like everyone else.
JOHN:
What ups? Name one good thing that’s happened to me since you’ve known me!
CHARLIE:
What about Elizabeth?
JOHN:
You’re seriously going to bring her up?
CHARLIE:
Yeah, why not? I thought she was the love of your life?
JOHN:
She was… until I found out she was fucking the pool guy.
CHARLIE:
What?! She was fucking the pool guy? I thought you said you two split because she wanted kids and you didn’t?
JOHN:
Nope. That’s just what I told everyone. I didn’t want people to associate me with marrying an adulterous bitch.
CHARLIE:
Wow, man. I didn’t… I didn’t know. I’m sorry… Your life still isn’t that bad though. What about when you won the town lottery? That was fifty grand in your pocket, easy!
JOHN:
Yeah, and all of that went towards taxes and my second divorce with Nina, remember?
CHARLIE:
Oh yeah…
JOHN:
See, my life hasn’t exactly been peaches and cream.
CHARLIE:
But what about when you went on that cruise? You said it was fun.
JOHN:
The only fun part was when I was sleeping. That’s the only time I didn’t have to hear Cecilia’s annoying screech. She sounded worse than a pterodactyl in heat.
CHARLIE:
Come on, she wasn’t that bad.
JOHN:
You try screwing something that’s a mixture between Fran Drescher and a blender, then come talk to me.
CHARLIE:
Okay, then what about the time we were in Europe together? I seem to recall you being pretty happy there.
JOHN:
Europe was a fun time… Until I got home and found out that Italian chick Ramona gave me the Clap.
CHARLIE:
John, do you notice that you pin all of your misfortunes on chicks? You can’t seem to find happiness outside ‘em, yet you can’t seem to find happiness with ‘em either.
JOHN:
It is what it is, Charlie.
CHARLIE:
Fine. So what does all this have to do with why you sold your soul?
JOHN:
Because all of this crap is the exact reason I sold my soul.
CHARLIE:
What do you mean?
JOHN:
Isn’t it obvious? I sold my soul for peace, for happiness. I sold my soul for one, true moment of absolute contentment.
CHARLIE:
You’re serious?
JOHN:
Deadly.
CHARLIE:
Wow…
JOHN:
Told you you wouldn’t believe me.
CHARLIE:
It’s not that. It’s just…Why not ask for millions of dollars, or loads of disease and screech free women? Why get just a moment of happiness?
JOHN:
I’m not greedy.
CHARLIE:
What? That doesn’t even make any sense.
JOHN:
Think of it like this; money can be spent and women can be fickle. A true moment of happiness however, can never be forgotten or taken away.
CHARLIE:
What about when you’re in Hell and you’re getting a pitchfork enema? Are you going to be happy then?
JOHN:
Probably not, but at least I’ll have the memory of that one time I was at peace with myself.
CHARLIE:
And this is what you asked the Devil for? You asked him for this one perfect moment?
JOHN:
Yes sir.
CHARLIE:
No offense, John, but that’s fucking stupid.
JOHN:
Why do you say that? Is it so wrong to just want a moment of peace?
CHARLIE:
It is when your head is so far up your ass that you can’t appreciate what you have.
JOHN:
What are you talking about? I have nothing. Jessica cleaned me out of every worldly possession I had left.
CHARLIE:
That’s what I’m talking about, man! You’ve got me! We’re best friends! Hell, I’d go so far as to say we’re brothers. I’ve stood by your side through thick and thin, but you’re too concerned with your head in the pussy clouds to even care.
JOHN:
I… I didn’t think-
CHARLIE:
You’re damn right you didn’t think! You were too busy being selfish, making it seem like the whole world revolved around you getting your dick wet. You didn’t stop to think about the little things, about our friendship. I’ve been with you for all these years. I was your best man at every single wedding, I fought with you in the Middle East, and this is the thanks I get?
JOHN:
Charlie, I-
CHARLIE:
Do I sound like I’m finished?! I have held your hand for years, FOR YEARS! But I am done. If you can’t respect our friendship enough to realize life isn’t all that bad or it doesn’t revolve around “worldly possessions”, then to Hell with you. And in this instance, I mean literally. You know why? Because you being an idiot hasn’t only screwed you over, it’s screwed me over too. Think about that after you’re done remembering your perfect moment.
JOHN:
I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t look at things that way. I just… I just wanted to be-
CHARLIE:
Happy, yeah, I got it.
JOHN:
Charlie, you know I value our friendship. There’s some things though, that a standard friendship can’t offer.
CHARLIE:
Yeah, like getting your rocks off. Jeez, you’re so fucking pathetic.
JOHN:
I’m pathetic for wanting to just be happy? Fuck you, Charlie! You don’t know the crap I go through daily!
CHARLIE:
The Hell I don’t! That’s what part of being a good friend is, acknowledging your friend’s pain and helping them cope with it.
JOHN:
Then help me cope now!
CHARLIE:
Why should I? You’ve dug yourself a hole with not wanting to appreciate what you have.
(Charlie snorts and shakes his head)
Scratch that, you dug everyone a hole with not wanting to appreciate what you have… And that includes me.
JOHN:
Then what do you want from me?! Another apology? Another explanation? Tell me what you want!
CHARLIE:
I want you to give a damn! I want you to grow up and stop acting like a child! I want you to actually-
(A knocking occurs on the bunker door. Charlie pauses)
CHARLIE:
What was that?
JOHN:
I don’t know. I think someone just knocked on the door…
CHARLIE:
Should we open it?
JOHN:
No. It could be one of those dead-heads out there. They could’ve tracked our scent.
(A muffled voice comes through the door)
LUCY:
Uh, could you let me in please?
CHARLIE:
We can definitely rule out the possibility of it being a dead-head.
JOHN:
Doesn’t matter. We should just ignore it. The person will go away soon.
CHARLIE:
But what if it’s a survivor? We can’t just let them die out there.
JOHN:
And what if when we open that door a swarm of those walking corpses ambushes us? No, it’s too risky.
(Lucy knocks on the door again and speaks with desperation)
LUCY:
Please, I just need refuge. I’ve been fighting for my life out here. Help me…
CHARLIE:
That’s it, I’m opening the door.
JOHN:
Charlie, don’t.
(Charlie opens the door, allowing Lucy to enter. He immediately shuts it after her entrance)
LUCY:
And they say chivalry’s dead! Thank you so much.
CHARLIE:
Not at all. My name’s Charlie, and this is John.
JOHN:
It’s a pleasure.
LUCY:
Ah yes, the man who was against my entry. How do you do?
JOHN:
You heard us talking?
LUCY:
Well, yeah. For a bomb shelter, this place doesn’t do itself justice for trapping sound.
CHARLIE:
As long as it protects us from what’s going on outside, I could care less.
LUCY:
I have to say I’m inclined to agree with you. Isn’t it nuts what’s going on? It’s like the end of the world out there.
JOHN:
Like the end of the world? No honey, it is the end of the world.
LUCY:
Excuse me?
CHARLIE:
This may come as a bit of a shock, Lucy, but John here is the cause of everything that’s going on. He A-Bombed the planet.
JOHN:
Great, back to melodrama…
LUCY:
Wait, you’re serious? You think you caused all this?
CHARLIE:
Oh, he doesn’t think it, he knows it. Isn’t that right?
JOHN:
Why are you telling her this crap? It’s none of her business.
LUCY:
So what, is this like your secret layer or something? Where you keep the warheads armed until it’s time for battle?
JOHN:
Don’t be stupid. Do I look like an evil genius or a comic book villain? Hell, I can barely work a microwave, let alone launch a bunch of nukes off.
LUCY:
Then how’d you do it?
JOHN:
Screw you, that’s how I did it.
CHARLIE:
Don’t mind him, Lucy. Not that it matters now, but he sold his soul to the Devil. Wouldn’t you know it though, the Devil didn’t hold up to his end of the deal. He took John’s soul and pushed play on Armageddon.
LUCY:
Wow.
JOHN:
What?
LUCY:
Nothing. It just seems like you got the short end of the stick.
(John looks at Lucy questionably)
JOHN:
Yeah, a bit… Tell you what though, the sky is falling, the oceans are boiling and you were just told something most people wouldn’t believe, yet you seem really calm about the situation.
LUCY:
Well, yeah, I suppose I am.
JOHN:
Any particular reason why?
LUCY:
None of what’s happening really applies to me.
CHARLIE:
Huh? Why doesn’t it apply to you?
LUCY:
Isn’t it obvious?
JOHN:
Ah shit.
CHARLIE:
No…? What, what’s wrong, John?
JOHN:
She’s the Devil.
(Charlie pauses, looking Lucy up and down)
CHARLIE:
Yeah, and I’m the pope. Anyone seen my funny hat around?
JOHN:
Look at her demeanor, at how relaxed she is even though everything around her is being destroyed. She’s too well adjusted for someone who just got told the world is ending.
CHARLIE:
Stop being ridiculous. She’s not the Devil.
JOHN:
You believed me when I told you I sold my soul, why can’t you believe she’s Lucifer?
CHARLIE:
Because you said it yourself, you sold your soul to a guy. Even the Bible has Satan cast as a guy. Call me crazy, but unless she’s packing a “concealed weapon” under that skirt, I’d say she’s a chick.
LUCY:
Ugh, the Bible. How I loathe what it gets wrong… As for why I was a guy before, well, John doesn’t really have a good track record with women, so I had to take on a visage he’d be more comfortable to sell his soul to.
CHARLIE:
Oh jeez, not you too. Don’t encourage John’s BS-
LUCY:
Let’s get something straight, Charlie, the Bible is just a book. On top of that, it’s a book written by men. Do you really think they wanted everyone to know that the Devil was a woman? It would’ve made a lot more sense in hindsight though. After all, men make that comparison almost daily now.
CHARLIE:
No, I don’t buy it. You’re not Satan, and Satan wasn’t a chick.
LUCY:
Is it so startling that Lucifer is actually Lucifette? Get with the times. If a woman can vote, a woman can be your anti-Christ.
JOHN:
Great, Satan’s a feminist…
LUCY:
Oh John, don’t get your manpon ruffled just because you’re unhappy with your deal.
JOHN:
Cut the shit and give me back my soul.
LUCY:
Excuse me?
JOHN:
You heard me. Give me my soul back, bitch.
LUCY:
Tough words for a little man. What if I don’t want to give it back?
CHARLIE:
Lucy, don’t feed into this. John is just-
JOHN:
Then I’ll take it back.
(John discretely reaches into his pocket and palms a pocket knife)
LUCY:
Oh? How do you plan to do that?
CHARLIE:
John, Lucy, just take a deep breath. Everything’s-
JOHN:
Like this.
(John pulls out his knife and stabs Lucy in the heart. She grips the hilt, clutching it to her chest, and falls to the ground)
CHARLIE:
John! What the Hell do you think you’re doing?! You just killed her!
JOHN:
No, I killed the Devil.
CHARLIE:
No, you didn’t! You killed an innocent young woman! She may have-
(Suddenly Lucy comes back to life, pulls the knife out of her chest and uses a supernatural force to grip John’s throat. She holds the knife towards Charlie)
CHARLIE:
What the fuck?!
LUCY:
Seriously, John? Seriously?! I’m the fucking Devil and you think you can take me out with a little pig poker like this. That’s about as stupid as attacking an elephant with a thumb tack, you idiot. Now look, you ruined my blouse. This was my favorite blouse too-
CHARLIE:
You… You’re… You’re the Devil!?
LUCY:
Yeah, thanks for the news flash, Einstein.
(John speaks through his strangulation)
JOHN:
Let me go. You have no right.
LUCY:
No right?! You sold your soul to me, then tried to kill me to get it back. I think I have every right in the world.
JOHN:
But you welched on our deal! You started the apocalypse!
LUCY:
I didn’t welch on anything. I started the apocalypse so you’d get your moment of happiness through self-realization, not through some magical Valium.
JOHN:
That’s not what I asked for!
LUCY:
Too bad. It’s not my fault you gave me a blank slate to work with. The Devil’s in the details, I’m afraid.
CHARLIE:
I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. This is all a dream, just a really bad dream…
LUCY:
Charlie, stop your rambling. You’re making an ass out of yourself. I’d hate to gut you for being too annoying.
JOHN:
Leave him alone. This is between you and me.
LUCY:
Actually bucko, this is between you and every single soul you damned on this planet with your selfishness. Sadly, Charlie falls into that category.
JOHN:
You bitch. You sneaky, undermining, lying bitch.
LUCY:
Ouch, if words could kill, John-
JOHN:
If you only knew.
LUCY:
…then they’d still be as worthless as this little butter knife you tried to take me out with. I hate to break it to you, but there’s only three things in all of creation that can destroy me. A pocket knife isn’t one of ‘em.
CHARLIE:
Why… Why’d you do all this? Why didn’t you just take his soul and be done with it?
LUCY:
Because I’m an opportunist, Charlie. I saw an opening to stick it to my dad, and I took it.
CHARLIE:
Your dad? You mean God?
LUCY:
Of course. I told him from the start you humans were flawed, but did he listen? No. Instead, he chose to banish me downstairs for an eternal time out. Everything I’m doing now is justified.
JOHN:
Oh god, another chick with daddy issues…
(Lucy grips John’s throat tighter, causing him to squirm in protest)
LUCY:
Watch your tone. I’m not some teeny bopper who became a stripper because of an absent father. I am the harbinger of damnation.
JOHN:
If I had a nickel for every chick who said that-
(Lucy tightens her hold)
LUCY:
You just don’t know when to quit, huh? Maybe it’s time to send you down under, see if you’re still full of quips when the flesh is being peeled from your face…
(Lucy prepares to kill John, but is struck with a thought)
Or we could always go with what’s behind door number two… Charlie, how are you feeling right now?
CHARLIE:
How should I be feeling?! I’m fucking terrified!
LUCY:
Beyond that. Wouldn’t you say you’re a little… mad?
CHARLIE:
Mad?
LUCY:
Well yeah. After all, your friend here destroyed the planet with his selfishness. If he had just opened up to you and worried less about getting his leg over with women, none of this would be happening. Doesn’t that make you angry?
CHARLIE:
I suppose, a bit-
LUCY:
Just a bit? Charlie, open your eyes. He ended the world and all he offered was a cheap apology. If I were you, I’d be furious.
JOHN:
Charlie, don’t listen to her-
CHARLIE:
Shut up, John!
(Lucy tightens her grip once more and takes on a sly tone)
LUCY:
Yeah, shut up, John.
CHARLIE:
So what are you getting at?
LUCY:
What I’m getting at is this: You two were supposed to be friends, but he did nothing except treat you like another person in passing. You’ve been by his side for what some would consider a lifetime, yet he didn’t even have the courtesy to ask you for help, and look what happened. John took matters into his own hands, destroying the world in the process. How would you like to put things right?
CHARLIE:
What do you mean?
LUCY:
I’m talking about a ceasefire on Armageddon. No more reanimated corpses walking around, the sky will stop falling, everything will go back to the way it was. I’ll even cut you a deal too, it’ll only cost you your soul.
CHARLIE:
My soul, is that all?! Get bent!
LUCY:
Charlie, don’t be so hasty. I’m offering you the chance of a lifetime here! You get to be the savior of the human race! Parades will be thrown in your honor, statues will be built to worship you, kids will want to be you for Halloween. The merchandising alone should be enough to hook, line and sink this deal.
CHARLIE:
How do I know this isn’t a trick?
LUCY:
Trust me, Charlie, this is no trick. But there is a catch…
CHARLIE:
I knew it!
LUCY:
Hold your water, it’s nothing like that. The only way to fix all of this, to end the apocalypse, is to kill the one who started it.
CHARLIE:
So I have to kill you?
LUCY:
No. You have to kill John. So in reality, you’re not selling your soul for everything to be fixed, you’re selling your soul for this nifty little knife of his…
(Lucy hands Charlie the knife)
CHARLIE:
(Charlie chuckles when looking at the knife)
I remember giving you this knife when we were teenagers. I didn’t even know you still carried it…
JOHN:
Charlie, don’t do this. We can fix this. We’re friends, she’s just trying to-
CHARLIE:
We’re friends?
JOHN:
Yes, don’t let her trick you into something you don’t want to do.
CHARLIE:
Almost all my life you were the only person I could go to with my problems, the only person I could go to when I needed help… How come you never gave me the same respect?
JOHN:
I don’t know, Charlie. I’m just not built that way I guess. But please, don’t let her lead you around by the nose, she’s just trying to get you to do her bidding.
CHARLIE:
We’ve been through so much together, so much… Truth be told though, I’m tired. I’m tired of putting up with your stupidity. I’m tired of dealing with your arrogance. Most of all, I’m tired of dealing with your selfishness…
LUCY:
Just say we have a deal and he’s all yours…
CHARLIE:
(Charlie hesitates)
We have a deal.
(Lucy throws John towards Charlie)
JOHN:
Charlie, please. I’m sorry! You’re my best friend. Don’t do this!
CHARLIE:
It’s too late… You brought this upon yourself.
(Charlie attacks John. A scuffle ensues where John inadvertently causes Charlie to stab himself, killing him)
JOHN:
Charlie?! Charlie?! No, no, wake up, get up, Charlie! Charlie!
LUCY:
I’d say he’s deader than a door nail, my friend.
JOHN:
Fuck you!
(John pulls the knife from Charlie, repeatedly stabbing Lucy)
LUCY:
We’ve been over this, John…
(Lucy smacks the knife out of John’s hand)
I’m way above the being-stabbed-to-death pay grade.
JOHN:
You… You made him attack me… Made me kill him…
LUCY:
I didn’t make him do anything. All I did was barely nudge him in a direction. He’s the one who ran that way full speed.
JOHN:
Full speed into Hell.
LUCY:
Yep, same as you. Not to worry though, you’ll be seeing each other again soon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get going.
JOHN:
What, have more people to go screw over? Other planets to destroy?
LUCY:
Well, aren’t you just a glass half empty.
JOHN:
Kinda have to be when you’ve just killed your best friend.
LUCY:
And you said Charlie was the melodramatic one…
JOHN:
Just kill me, kill me now… I deserve it.
LUCY:
I was going to give you another few years, but if that’s what you really want... Before I do though, I have a question. You destroyed the world and killed your surrogate brother, was your moment of happiness worth it?
(John remains silent)
LUCY:
Say hi to Charlie for me.
(Lucy snaps her fingers. John falls over, lifeless)
LUCY:
(To no one in particular)
I told you this would happen. I told you these hairless monkeys would destroy themselves. Isn’t this enough, or do you need more proof?
(Lucy waits for a reply)
Fine, I guess it’s time to raise a little more Hell…
(Lucy looks at the two bodies on the ground, then slowly walks to the door. She opens it nonchalantly and exits. Fade to black)
Fine Print
Written by: Michael T. Flanders
Setting: Two men are in a dimly lit bomb shelter, fending off the imposing apocalypse through conversation. John has just revealed a truth to Charlie. They begin to speak after a crashing explosion outside jostles the bunker.
(Lights up)
JOHN:
I’m sorry.
CHARLIE:
You’re sorry?!
JOHN:
What else do you want me to say? What else can be said?
CHARLIE:
I’m sure you can muster up something better than a half-assed apology. Don’t you understand what you’re telling me, what you did?
JOHN:
Yes Charlie, I’m well aware of what I did, and I’d take it all back if I could…
CHARLIE:
No, I don’t think you grasp the severity of the situation here. You ended the world! A simple apology ain’t going to cut it.
JOHN:
Then what do you want me to say, huh? Obviously you’re an expert on this shit! Just tell me what you want to hear and I’ll say it!
CHARLIE:
I don’t know what I want to hear, John! It’s not everyday my best friend tells me he nuked the planet! Excuse me for not having cue cards or pre-designated answers when this comes up in idle conversation.
JOHN:
Oh yeah, I nuked the fucking planet, that’s exactly what I did. I woke up yesterday morning and went over my things to do for the day; fold laundry, go grocery shopping, end the world. Your melodrama sickens me.
CHARLIE:
My melodrama? Your snarky ass is the one sitting there making light of the situation through buckets of the stuff.
JOHN:
I know, Charlie. I know. It’s just… It’s hard. I mean, one day I’m going to work, mowing the lawn, and having drinks at the bar. The next day I’m bludgeoning to death someone who’s been dead for years. Hell, the next day I’m hiding out in a bomb shelter as to avoid the next blast wave of fire and brimstone.
(Charlie Chuckles)
JOHN:
What’s so funny?
CHARLIE:
Who knew Revelations would’ve been so on the ball, right?
JOHN:
What do you mean?
CHARLIE:
Corinthians 15:52 – “In the moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump; for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.”
JOHN:
You know the Bible? I never took you as a religious person.
CHARLIE:
I’m not, but my folks made me go to church when I was younger. Although it was against what I wanted, I made the best of the situation. I found Revelations while I was there and immediately fell in love with it. God was smiting some major ass, and it played out like an intense end-all horror flick. I just never thought I’d be living it.
JOHN:
Welcome to my nightmare.
CHARLIE:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here’s the one thing I don’t get though-
JOHN:
The one thing?!
CHARLIE:
You say you sold your soul, right?
JOHN:
Yes.
CHARLIE:
And then right after that is when all of this stuff started happening?
JOHN:
Pretty much.
CHARLIE:
Then how do you know they’re connected? How do you know if you even sold your soul?
JOHN:
Charlie, you know me. Do I seem like the type of guy to buy into BS like that? I… I can’t explain it properly. All I know is I felt completely different after I made the deal, like a part of me was missing. As for how I know they’re connected, well…
CHARLIE:
Yeah?
JOHN:
The Devil told me they were.
CHARLIE:
Wait, what? The Devil? As in THE Devil? Beezelbub, the Prince of Darkness, the Fallen Angel, Lucifer?
JOHN:
The one and only.
CHARLIE:
Well, what happened then? He bet a fiddle of gold against your soul and you lost, then to top it off he decided to throw an apocalypse party in celebration?
JOHN:
No, it’s not like that! I have no clue how this shit works, Charlie! I’m just going off of what he said after we shook on the deal.
CHARLIE:
Then what’s it like?! Tell me how you selling your soul just so happened to screw over humanity!
JOHN:
I don’t fucking know! I asked for something, didn’t get it, and this was the outcome, that’s it! Okay, are you happy? Is that an answer that suffices?
CHARLIE:
Of course it’s not an answer that suffices!
JOHN:
Well too bad, that’s all I got.
(Pause)
CHARLIE:
What’d you ask for?
JOHN:
Pardon?
CHARLIE:
In exchange for your soul, what’d you ask for?
JOHN:
You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
CHARLIE:
You began this conversation by saying you started the apocalypse. Try me.
JOHN:
Charlie…
(John sighs)
How long have we known each other now, twenty-five years?
CHARLIE:
Give or take.
JOHN:
Has my life ever appeared… happy?
CHARLIE:
I don’t think it’s been a walk in the park, but you’ve had your ups and downs like everyone else.
JOHN:
What ups? Name one good thing that’s happened to me since you’ve known me!
CHARLIE:
What about Elizabeth?
JOHN:
You’re seriously going to bring her up?
CHARLIE:
Yeah, why not? I thought she was the love of your life?
JOHN:
She was… until I found out she was fucking the pool guy.
CHARLIE:
What?! She was fucking the pool guy? I thought you said you two split because she wanted kids and you didn’t?
JOHN:
Nope. That’s just what I told everyone. I didn’t want people to associate me with marrying an adulterous bitch.
CHARLIE:
Wow, man. I didn’t… I didn’t know. I’m sorry… Your life still isn’t that bad though. What about when you won the town lottery? That was fifty grand in your pocket, easy!
JOHN:
Yeah, and all of that went towards taxes and my second divorce with Nina, remember?
CHARLIE:
Oh yeah…
JOHN:
See, my life hasn’t exactly been peaches and cream.
CHARLIE:
But what about when you went on that cruise? You said it was fun.
JOHN:
The only fun part was when I was sleeping. That’s the only time I didn’t have to hear Cecilia’s annoying screech. She sounded worse than a pterodactyl in heat.
CHARLIE:
Come on, she wasn’t that bad.
JOHN:
You try screwing something that’s a mixture between Fran Drescher and a blender, then come talk to me.
CHARLIE:
Okay, then what about the time we were in Europe together? I seem to recall you being pretty happy there.
JOHN:
Europe was a fun time… Until I got home and found out that Italian chick Ramona gave me the Clap.
CHARLIE:
John, do you notice that you pin all of your misfortunes on chicks? You can’t seem to find happiness outside ‘em, yet you can’t seem to find happiness with ‘em either.
JOHN:
It is what it is, Charlie.
CHARLIE:
Fine. So what does all this have to do with why you sold your soul?
JOHN:
Because all of this crap is the exact reason I sold my soul.
CHARLIE:
What do you mean?
JOHN:
Isn’t it obvious? I sold my soul for peace, for happiness. I sold my soul for one, true moment of absolute contentment.
CHARLIE:
You’re serious?
JOHN:
Deadly.
CHARLIE:
Wow…
JOHN:
Told you you wouldn’t believe me.
CHARLIE:
It’s not that. It’s just…Why not ask for millions of dollars, or loads of disease and screech free women? Why get just a moment of happiness?
JOHN:
I’m not greedy.
CHARLIE:
What? That doesn’t even make any sense.
JOHN:
Think of it like this; money can be spent and women can be fickle. A true moment of happiness however, can never be forgotten or taken away.
CHARLIE:
What about when you’re in Hell and you’re getting a pitchfork enema? Are you going to be happy then?
JOHN:
Probably not, but at least I’ll have the memory of that one time I was at peace with myself.
CHARLIE:
And this is what you asked the Devil for? You asked him for this one perfect moment?
JOHN:
Yes sir.
CHARLIE:
No offense, John, but that’s fucking stupid.
JOHN:
Why do you say that? Is it so wrong to just want a moment of peace?
CHARLIE:
It is when your head is so far up your ass that you can’t appreciate what you have.
JOHN:
What are you talking about? I have nothing. Jessica cleaned me out of every worldly possession I had left.
CHARLIE:
That’s what I’m talking about, man! You’ve got me! We’re best friends! Hell, I’d go so far as to say we’re brothers. I’ve stood by your side through thick and thin, but you’re too concerned with your head in the pussy clouds to even care.
JOHN:
I… I didn’t think-
CHARLIE:
You’re damn right you didn’t think! You were too busy being selfish, making it seem like the whole world revolved around you getting your dick wet. You didn’t stop to think about the little things, about our friendship. I’ve been with you for all these years. I was your best man at every single wedding, I fought with you in the Middle East, and this is the thanks I get?
JOHN:
Charlie, I-
CHARLIE:
Do I sound like I’m finished?! I have held your hand for years, FOR YEARS! But I am done. If you can’t respect our friendship enough to realize life isn’t all that bad or it doesn’t revolve around “worldly possessions”, then to Hell with you. And in this instance, I mean literally. You know why? Because you being an idiot hasn’t only screwed you over, it’s screwed me over too. Think about that after you’re done remembering your perfect moment.
JOHN:
I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t look at things that way. I just… I just wanted to be-
CHARLIE:
Happy, yeah, I got it.
JOHN:
Charlie, you know I value our friendship. There’s some things though, that a standard friendship can’t offer.
CHARLIE:
Yeah, like getting your rocks off. Jeez, you’re so fucking pathetic.
JOHN:
I’m pathetic for wanting to just be happy? Fuck you, Charlie! You don’t know the crap I go through daily!
CHARLIE:
The Hell I don’t! That’s what part of being a good friend is, acknowledging your friend’s pain and helping them cope with it.
JOHN:
Then help me cope now!
CHARLIE:
Why should I? You’ve dug yourself a hole with not wanting to appreciate what you have.
(Charlie snorts and shakes his head)
Scratch that, you dug everyone a hole with not wanting to appreciate what you have… And that includes me.
JOHN:
Then what do you want from me?! Another apology? Another explanation? Tell me what you want!
CHARLIE:
I want you to give a damn! I want you to grow up and stop acting like a child! I want you to actually-
(A knocking occurs on the bunker door. Charlie pauses)
CHARLIE:
What was that?
JOHN:
I don’t know. I think someone just knocked on the door…
CHARLIE:
Should we open it?
JOHN:
No. It could be one of those dead-heads out there. They could’ve tracked our scent.
(A muffled voice comes through the door)
LUCY:
Uh, could you let me in please?
CHARLIE:
We can definitely rule out the possibility of it being a dead-head.
JOHN:
Doesn’t matter. We should just ignore it. The person will go away soon.
CHARLIE:
But what if it’s a survivor? We can’t just let them die out there.
JOHN:
And what if when we open that door a swarm of those walking corpses ambushes us? No, it’s too risky.
(Lucy knocks on the door again and speaks with desperation)
LUCY:
Please, I just need refuge. I’ve been fighting for my life out here. Help me…
CHARLIE:
That’s it, I’m opening the door.
JOHN:
Charlie, don’t.
(Charlie opens the door, allowing Lucy to enter. He immediately shuts it after her entrance)
LUCY:
And they say chivalry’s dead! Thank you so much.
CHARLIE:
Not at all. My name’s Charlie, and this is John.
JOHN:
It’s a pleasure.
LUCY:
Ah yes, the man who was against my entry. How do you do?
JOHN:
You heard us talking?
LUCY:
Well, yeah. For a bomb shelter, this place doesn’t do itself justice for trapping sound.
CHARLIE:
As long as it protects us from what’s going on outside, I could care less.
LUCY:
I have to say I’m inclined to agree with you. Isn’t it nuts what’s going on? It’s like the end of the world out there.
JOHN:
Like the end of the world? No honey, it is the end of the world.
LUCY:
Excuse me?
CHARLIE:
This may come as a bit of a shock, Lucy, but John here is the cause of everything that’s going on. He A-Bombed the planet.
JOHN:
Great, back to melodrama…
LUCY:
Wait, you’re serious? You think you caused all this?
CHARLIE:
Oh, he doesn’t think it, he knows it. Isn’t that right?
JOHN:
Why are you telling her this crap? It’s none of her business.
LUCY:
So what, is this like your secret layer or something? Where you keep the warheads armed until it’s time for battle?
JOHN:
Don’t be stupid. Do I look like an evil genius or a comic book villain? Hell, I can barely work a microwave, let alone launch a bunch of nukes off.
LUCY:
Then how’d you do it?
JOHN:
Screw you, that’s how I did it.
CHARLIE:
Don’t mind him, Lucy. Not that it matters now, but he sold his soul to the Devil. Wouldn’t you know it though, the Devil didn’t hold up to his end of the deal. He took John’s soul and pushed play on Armageddon.
LUCY:
Wow.
JOHN:
What?
LUCY:
Nothing. It just seems like you got the short end of the stick.
(John looks at Lucy questionably)
JOHN:
Yeah, a bit… Tell you what though, the sky is falling, the oceans are boiling and you were just told something most people wouldn’t believe, yet you seem really calm about the situation.
LUCY:
Well, yeah, I suppose I am.
JOHN:
Any particular reason why?
LUCY:
None of what’s happening really applies to me.
CHARLIE:
Huh? Why doesn’t it apply to you?
LUCY:
Isn’t it obvious?
JOHN:
Ah shit.
CHARLIE:
No…? What, what’s wrong, John?
JOHN:
She’s the Devil.
(Charlie pauses, looking Lucy up and down)
CHARLIE:
Yeah, and I’m the pope. Anyone seen my funny hat around?
JOHN:
Look at her demeanor, at how relaxed she is even though everything around her is being destroyed. She’s too well adjusted for someone who just got told the world is ending.
CHARLIE:
Stop being ridiculous. She’s not the Devil.
JOHN:
You believed me when I told you I sold my soul, why can’t you believe she’s Lucifer?
CHARLIE:
Because you said it yourself, you sold your soul to a guy. Even the Bible has Satan cast as a guy. Call me crazy, but unless she’s packing a “concealed weapon” under that skirt, I’d say she’s a chick.
LUCY:
Ugh, the Bible. How I loathe what it gets wrong… As for why I was a guy before, well, John doesn’t really have a good track record with women, so I had to take on a visage he’d be more comfortable to sell his soul to.
CHARLIE:
Oh jeez, not you too. Don’t encourage John’s BS-
LUCY:
Let’s get something straight, Charlie, the Bible is just a book. On top of that, it’s a book written by men. Do you really think they wanted everyone to know that the Devil was a woman? It would’ve made a lot more sense in hindsight though. After all, men make that comparison almost daily now.
CHARLIE:
No, I don’t buy it. You’re not Satan, and Satan wasn’t a chick.
LUCY:
Is it so startling that Lucifer is actually Lucifette? Get with the times. If a woman can vote, a woman can be your anti-Christ.
JOHN:
Great, Satan’s a feminist…
LUCY:
Oh John, don’t get your manpon ruffled just because you’re unhappy with your deal.
JOHN:
Cut the shit and give me back my soul.
LUCY:
Excuse me?
JOHN:
You heard me. Give me my soul back, bitch.
LUCY:
Tough words for a little man. What if I don’t want to give it back?
CHARLIE:
Lucy, don’t feed into this. John is just-
JOHN:
Then I’ll take it back.
(John discretely reaches into his pocket and palms a pocket knife)
LUCY:
Oh? How do you plan to do that?
CHARLIE:
John, Lucy, just take a deep breath. Everything’s-
JOHN:
Like this.
(John pulls out his knife and stabs Lucy in the heart. She grips the hilt, clutching it to her chest, and falls to the ground)
CHARLIE:
John! What the Hell do you think you’re doing?! You just killed her!
JOHN:
No, I killed the Devil.
CHARLIE:
No, you didn’t! You killed an innocent young woman! She may have-
(Suddenly Lucy comes back to life, pulls the knife out of her chest and uses a supernatural force to grip John’s throat. She holds the knife towards Charlie)
CHARLIE:
What the fuck?!
LUCY:
Seriously, John? Seriously?! I’m the fucking Devil and you think you can take me out with a little pig poker like this. That’s about as stupid as attacking an elephant with a thumb tack, you idiot. Now look, you ruined my blouse. This was my favorite blouse too-
CHARLIE:
You… You’re… You’re the Devil!?
LUCY:
Yeah, thanks for the news flash, Einstein.
(John speaks through his strangulation)
JOHN:
Let me go. You have no right.
LUCY:
No right?! You sold your soul to me, then tried to kill me to get it back. I think I have every right in the world.
JOHN:
But you welched on our deal! You started the apocalypse!
LUCY:
I didn’t welch on anything. I started the apocalypse so you’d get your moment of happiness through self-realization, not through some magical Valium.
JOHN:
That’s not what I asked for!
LUCY:
Too bad. It’s not my fault you gave me a blank slate to work with. The Devil’s in the details, I’m afraid.
CHARLIE:
I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. This is all a dream, just a really bad dream…
LUCY:
Charlie, stop your rambling. You’re making an ass out of yourself. I’d hate to gut you for being too annoying.
JOHN:
Leave him alone. This is between you and me.
LUCY:
Actually bucko, this is between you and every single soul you damned on this planet with your selfishness. Sadly, Charlie falls into that category.
JOHN:
You bitch. You sneaky, undermining, lying bitch.
LUCY:
Ouch, if words could kill, John-
JOHN:
If you only knew.
LUCY:
…then they’d still be as worthless as this little butter knife you tried to take me out with. I hate to break it to you, but there’s only three things in all of creation that can destroy me. A pocket knife isn’t one of ‘em.
CHARLIE:
Why… Why’d you do all this? Why didn’t you just take his soul and be done with it?
LUCY:
Because I’m an opportunist, Charlie. I saw an opening to stick it to my dad, and I took it.
CHARLIE:
Your dad? You mean God?
LUCY:
Of course. I told him from the start you humans were flawed, but did he listen? No. Instead, he chose to banish me downstairs for an eternal time out. Everything I’m doing now is justified.
JOHN:
Oh god, another chick with daddy issues…
(Lucy grips John’s throat tighter, causing him to squirm in protest)
LUCY:
Watch your tone. I’m not some teeny bopper who became a stripper because of an absent father. I am the harbinger of damnation.
JOHN:
If I had a nickel for every chick who said that-
(Lucy tightens her hold)
LUCY:
You just don’t know when to quit, huh? Maybe it’s time to send you down under, see if you’re still full of quips when the flesh is being peeled from your face…
(Lucy prepares to kill John, but is struck with a thought)
Or we could always go with what’s behind door number two… Charlie, how are you feeling right now?
CHARLIE:
How should I be feeling?! I’m fucking terrified!
LUCY:
Beyond that. Wouldn’t you say you’re a little… mad?
CHARLIE:
Mad?
LUCY:
Well yeah. After all, your friend here destroyed the planet with his selfishness. If he had just opened up to you and worried less about getting his leg over with women, none of this would be happening. Doesn’t that make you angry?
CHARLIE:
I suppose, a bit-
LUCY:
Just a bit? Charlie, open your eyes. He ended the world and all he offered was a cheap apology. If I were you, I’d be furious.
JOHN:
Charlie, don’t listen to her-
CHARLIE:
Shut up, John!
(Lucy tightens her grip once more and takes on a sly tone)
LUCY:
Yeah, shut up, John.
CHARLIE:
So what are you getting at?
LUCY:
What I’m getting at is this: You two were supposed to be friends, but he did nothing except treat you like another person in passing. You’ve been by his side for what some would consider a lifetime, yet he didn’t even have the courtesy to ask you for help, and look what happened. John took matters into his own hands, destroying the world in the process. How would you like to put things right?
CHARLIE:
What do you mean?
LUCY:
I’m talking about a ceasefire on Armageddon. No more reanimated corpses walking around, the sky will stop falling, everything will go back to the way it was. I’ll even cut you a deal too, it’ll only cost you your soul.
CHARLIE:
My soul, is that all?! Get bent!
LUCY:
Charlie, don’t be so hasty. I’m offering you the chance of a lifetime here! You get to be the savior of the human race! Parades will be thrown in your honor, statues will be built to worship you, kids will want to be you for Halloween. The merchandising alone should be enough to hook, line and sink this deal.
CHARLIE:
How do I know this isn’t a trick?
LUCY:
Trust me, Charlie, this is no trick. But there is a catch…
CHARLIE:
I knew it!
LUCY:
Hold your water, it’s nothing like that. The only way to fix all of this, to end the apocalypse, is to kill the one who started it.
CHARLIE:
So I have to kill you?
LUCY:
No. You have to kill John. So in reality, you’re not selling your soul for everything to be fixed, you’re selling your soul for this nifty little knife of his…
(Lucy hands Charlie the knife)
CHARLIE:
(Charlie chuckles when looking at the knife)
I remember giving you this knife when we were teenagers. I didn’t even know you still carried it…
JOHN:
Charlie, don’t do this. We can fix this. We’re friends, she’s just trying to-
CHARLIE:
We’re friends?
JOHN:
Yes, don’t let her trick you into something you don’t want to do.
CHARLIE:
Almost all my life you were the only person I could go to with my problems, the only person I could go to when I needed help… How come you never gave me the same respect?
JOHN:
I don’t know, Charlie. I’m just not built that way I guess. But please, don’t let her lead you around by the nose, she’s just trying to get you to do her bidding.
CHARLIE:
We’ve been through so much together, so much… Truth be told though, I’m tired. I’m tired of putting up with your stupidity. I’m tired of dealing with your arrogance. Most of all, I’m tired of dealing with your selfishness…
LUCY:
Just say we have a deal and he’s all yours…
CHARLIE:
(Charlie hesitates)
We have a deal.
(Lucy throws John towards Charlie)
JOHN:
Charlie, please. I’m sorry! You’re my best friend. Don’t do this!
CHARLIE:
It’s too late… You brought this upon yourself.
(Charlie attacks John. A scuffle ensues where John inadvertently causes Charlie to stab himself, killing him)
JOHN:
Charlie?! Charlie?! No, no, wake up, get up, Charlie! Charlie!
LUCY:
I’d say he’s deader than a door nail, my friend.
JOHN:
Fuck you!
(John pulls the knife from Charlie, repeatedly stabbing Lucy)
LUCY:
We’ve been over this, John…
(Lucy smacks the knife out of John’s hand)
I’m way above the being-stabbed-to-death pay grade.
JOHN:
You… You made him attack me… Made me kill him…
LUCY:
I didn’t make him do anything. All I did was barely nudge him in a direction. He’s the one who ran that way full speed.
JOHN:
Full speed into Hell.
LUCY:
Yep, same as you. Not to worry though, you’ll be seeing each other again soon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get going.
JOHN:
What, have more people to go screw over? Other planets to destroy?
LUCY:
Well, aren’t you just a glass half empty.
JOHN:
Kinda have to be when you’ve just killed your best friend.
LUCY:
And you said Charlie was the melodramatic one…
JOHN:
Just kill me, kill me now… I deserve it.
LUCY:
I was going to give you another few years, but if that’s what you really want... Before I do though, I have a question. You destroyed the world and killed your surrogate brother, was your moment of happiness worth it?
(John remains silent)
LUCY:
Say hi to Charlie for me.
(Lucy snaps her fingers. John falls over, lifeless)
LUCY:
(To no one in particular)
I told you this would happen. I told you these hairless monkeys would destroy themselves. Isn’t this enough, or do you need more proof?
(Lucy waits for a reply)
Fine, I guess it’s time to raise a little more Hell…
(Lucy looks at the two bodies on the ground, then slowly walks to the door. She opens it nonchalantly and exits. Fade to black)
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