Ichabod's Hollow - Headmaster Scene

Here is an excerpt from my play "Ichabod's Hollow", which will be performed by the students of West Phoenix High School at the beginning of December. The story has thus far been narrated from the present, and this scene introduces us to the infamous eccentric, Ichabod Crane.

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Professor Shubert, where’s Ichabod Crane? I asked to see him over twenty minutes ago!

(Professor Shubert enters hastily with Ichabod Crane)

PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
Here he is, sir. I’m sorry it took so long, but I had to track him down all the way to the women’s quarters.

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
And why was young Crane in the women’s quarters?

PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
He says he was there in search of-

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
That’s enough, Professor Shubert. You may go now.

PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
But-

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Thank you, professor.

(Professor Shubert prepares to argue, but immediately stops)

PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
You’re very welcome, headmaster.

(Professor Shubert leaves)

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Now Ichabod, I’m going to ask you a very serious question, and I want an honest answer. Were you in the women’s quarters investigating more supernatural occurrences, or have you finally set your sights on the most dangerous creature known to man; the woman?

ICHABOD:
I was investigating a possible ghoul infestation, which could prove fatal to the entire student body…

(Headmaster Johnson sighs and shakes his head slightly)

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Ichabod…

ICHABOD:
Hear me out, headmaster! I have undeniable proof that there is a nest of ghouls living right under the women’s dormitory. All I need to do is pull up the floorboards and-

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
I don’t want to hear it, Ichabod.

ICHABOD:
Headmaster Johnson, please! I must get into the floor and sprinkle some concentrated acid as to repel and destroy these creatures before their infestation affects the very fabric of this university!

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
I think you should concentrate your efforts more towards the performing arts than combating monsters, wouldn’t you agree?

ICHABOD:
Sir?

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Your melodrama is quite entertaining.

ICHABOD:
Jokes? Amusement? Your cavalier attitude will be the downfall of this place!

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Ichabod, let me worry about the university. I’d like you to turn your attention elsewhere.

ICHABOD:
And where would that be, headmaster? Scrubbing clean the privies? Tending the garden? Or perhaps you’d like me to clean the dung from the stables?

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Actually, I’d like you to investigate murder.

ICHABOD:
Murder?!

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
There is a village not far from here called Tarry Town. Are you familiar with it?

(Ichabod shakes his head “no”)

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Just beyond it lies a glen called Sleepy Hollow. The university actually gets a lot of its exports from there; clothes, bedding, what have you.
There was a report of a murder last week in Sleepy Hollow, soon followed by complete silence from the town. I’d like you to go investigate the situation.

ICHABOD:
But Headmaster Johnson, I don’t see why I’d be an appropriate candidate to do this. Surely there are more capable persons for such things.

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
On any other day I’d completely agree with you. But alas, you happen to be the absolute best person for the job, solely for the fact the murder was committed by an apparition.

ICHABOD:
I beg your pardon?

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Yes, Ichabod, a ghost is the culprit. And with your background in the mysterious and occult, as well as being an educated individual, you are who I’m sending to inspect this wild claim. All the information you need to know about the murder and your contact in Sleepy Hollow is available in these papers. Please feel free to read through them on the ride over there. Your coach will be departing in twenty minutes.

ICHABOD:
You’re sending me today? That’s hardly enough time to prep my research for transport, nor is it adequate time to obtain the appropriate supplies I’ll need to tackle a spirit. Headmaster, I must object…

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Ichabod, your father sent you here because your taste for the unexplained was interfering with the rest of the household. Your father even donated a large sum of money as to keep your eccentricities appeased while here. I am now giving you the ability to explore your passion without restraint, I pray you won’t throw the opportunity away.

(Professor Shubert enters with Alexander Masbeth)

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
What is it, professor?

PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
Your favorite student, Alexander Masbeth.

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
What’s he done now?

ALEXANDER:
I’m standing in the same room as everyone, this means I can speak for myself.

PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
Quiet you! Mr. Masbeth here was caught frolicking uncleanly with the Lady Timbleton.

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Lady Timbleton? This is some sort of jest, is it not?

PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
Sadly, it is not, headmaster.

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Alexander, we have spoken about this! Does your lechery know no bounds?

ALEXANDER:
What do you want me to say, headmaster? Lady Timbleton approached me about dissatisfaction with the owner of her womanhood. I merely offered her consoling.

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Consoling does not mean a tumble in the hay around the backside of the stables! Hell’s horses, man, her husband is currently the richest benefactor this university has!

ALEXANDER:
Your point being?

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
My point being? You arrogant ponce, I should throw you out of this institution for such brashness… Or something much more punitive…

ALEXANDER:
You wouldn’t? Even for you that would be out of line. How could I go on living without my manhood?!

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Calm down, young Masbeth. Time and your insatiable hunger for the female anatomy will eat away at that part of you. No, what I have in mind for you is to accompany Mr. Crane here to Sleepy Hollow.

ALEXANDER:
I’m flattered, but I leave the male-to-male relations with Shakespeare.

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Is your mind never in such a perverted place? Bah! Ichabod, take him to your quarters and prepare for departure. You can brief him on the situation once you make way with the coach.

ICHABOD:
But headmaster-

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Go, Ichabod. This is not up for discussion any further.

(Ichabod prepares to exit with Alexander)

ALEXANDER:
Hey, do you happen to have a sister I can say hello to before we leave?

ICHABOD:
Bah!

(Ichabod and Alexander leave the room)

PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
You’re sending Ichabod to the Hollow?

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Yes.

PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
But what if he learns the truth?

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
That’s the whole point, Professor Shubert. I’ve spoken to his father and this is what he wants. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work.

PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
Of course.

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
By the way, professor, could you make a visit to the women’s dormitory? I need you to sprinkle some concentrated acid about the place.

PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
So Ichabod was right about the infestation?

HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Has he been wrong so far in his discoveries of this place?