Here is the wedding script I wrote (with some input from Ciera) for Exaivier and Ciera's wedding that I will be performing on October 31st, 2010.
Dearly beloved, on behalf of Exaivier Osborne and Ceira Vasquez, I welcome you to this unification of the strange and macabre in eternal matrimony. On this day, All Hallows Eve, we are here to support and encourage the joining of two lost souls becoming as one. Both have led individual lives centering around the peculiar, the unusual, and the weird, but they stand before us today prepared to merge these lives together as husband and wife.
Exaivier, the woman who stands by your side is going to be your wife. She will look to you for solace, comfort, support, and love. Never should you allow her to feel pain, grief, suffering, or any ill feelings otherwise unnecessary. With that, I ask you to please recite these vows:
From this day forth, I am yours eternally.
Through black of night, light of day,
joy, sorrow, happiness and torment,
I wholly belong to you.
I will never betray your love, your life, or your soul,
for they are the most precious gifts ever given to me.
I thee swear.
Ciera, the man who stands by your side is going to be your husband. He will look to you for solace, comfort, support, and love. Never should you allow him to feel pain, grief, suffering, or any ill feelings otherwise unnecessary. With that, I ask you to please recite these vows:
From this day forth, I am yours eternally.
Through black of night, light of day,
joy, sorrow, happiness and torment,
I wholly belong to you.
I will never betray your love, your life, or your soul,
for they are the most precious gifts ever given to me.
I thee swear.
This candle before you represents the unity you both have sworn today. It represents the singular life you two will be a part of, a life made up of love, strangeness and acceptance. Upon its being lit, the bond you have sworn to share will be solidified, never ceasing, never decomposing. I ask now that each of you take up your flame and finalize the promise of eternity being made to one another, as I read this verse written by an anonymous author that bears great significance to you both:
“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
Before continuing any further, I must ask if there is anyone here who knows reason as to why these two souls should not be joined on this All Hallows Eve? If so, may you speak now and risk physical harm, or forever hold your tongue.
May your flame burn strong and true, even after its departure from this world. With that, I now pronounce you Exaivier and Ciera Osborne, husband and wife. You may ravish the bride.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Fine Print (draft one)
Here is a copy of a script I'm working on for class. Keep in mind the thoughts and opinions expressed in the writing are just works of storytelling, and in no way reflect my real beliefs... Comments or suggestions are welcome.
Fine Print
By: Michael Flanders
Setting: Two men are sitting alone in a burned out bomb shelter, discussing the circumstances of the apocalypse that surrounds them.
JOHN
I’m sorry.
CHARLIE
You’re sorry?!
JOHN
What else do you want me to say? What else can be said?
CHARLIE
Well, I’m sure you can muster up something better than a half-assed apology. Do you understand what you did?
JOHN
Yes, Charlie, I’m quite aware of what I did, and I’d take it all back if I could, trust me.
CHARLIE
No, John, I don’t think you quite grasp the severity of the situation here. You ended the world! A simple apology ain’t going to cut it.
JOHN
Then what do you want me say, huh? Because obviously you’re an expert on this crap and you should just tell me what you want to hear.
CHARLIE
I don’t know what I want to hear, okay? Excuse me for seeming a little out of sorts, but my best friend just told me he nuked the planet!
JOHN
Yeah, I nuked the planet. That’s exactly what I did. I woke up yesterday morning and said “Huh, I wonder what the world would be like if we experienced the apocalypse? Thank God I racked up all that vacation time at work!”
CHARLIE
Don’t get snarky with me, asshole.
JOHN
I’m sorry, Charlie. It’s just… hard. I mean, yesterday I was going to work, paying my taxes, mowing the lawn, and then today I’m grabbing a blunt object to beat my neighbor’s head in with. Hell, today I’m hiding in an old bomb shelter as to avoid the next blast wave of fire and brimstone.
(Charlie chuckles)
CHARLIE
Who knew Revelations would’ve been so on the ball, right?
JOHN
What do you mean?
CHARLIE
Corinthians 15:52 – “In the moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump; for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.”
JOHN
I didn’t know you knew the Bible.
CHARLIE
My folks used to make me go to church when I was a kid. I didn’t want to go, but I made the best of it. During my time there I ran across Revelations, and to this day I can’t not read it. I just never thought I’d be living it…
JOHN
Yeah, me too.
CHARLIE
Here’s the thing I don’t get though, you say you sold your soul, right?
JOHN
Yup.
CHARLIE
And then right after you did that is when all of this stuff started?
JOHN
Pretty much.
CHARLIE
How do you know they’re connected then? How do you even know if you really sold your soul?
JOHN
Charlie, you know me. Do I seem like the type of guy to buy into religious BS without having a good grasp on the situation? I… I can’t explain it properly, but when I made the deal I could just tell there was something different about me. And as for how I know the two events are connected, well…
CHARLIE
Yeah?
JOHN
The Devil told me they were.
CHARLIE
The Devil? As in THE Devil?
JOHN
The one and only.
CHARLIE
What? He bet a fiddle of gold against your soul and you lost?
JOHN
No, it’s not like that.
CHARLIE
Then tell me what it’s like! Tell me how you selling your soul brought damnation upon humanity!
JOHN
God damnit.
CHARLIE
Kind of on the nose with that one, don’t you think?
JOHN
Look Charlie, I can’t tell you.
CHARLIE
Why the hell not?
JOHN
Because I just can’t!
CHARLIE
No, I don’t accept that.
JOHN
Too bad, it’s all you’re getting from me right now.
CHARLIE
But I’m your oldest friend, and this is how you’re going to treat me?
JOHN
You’re damn right. We’re playing by a whole new set of rules now, Charlie. Friendships mean little.
CHARLIE
Not to me.
(John bows his head and remains quiet. Charlie lets the silence hang in the air for a moment before speaking again)
CHARLIE
What’d you get?
JOHN
Pardon?
CHARLIE
For your soul, what’d you get?
JOHN
You mean aside from the dead rising and the sky raining fire down on us? Not much.
CHARLIE
Is this what you asked for?
JOHN
Not even close.
CHARLIE
Then what was it?
(John hesitates a moment)
JOHN
Charlie, you’ve known me how long now, twenty-five years?
CHARLIE
Give or take.
JOHN
Has my life ever appeared… happy?
CHARLIE
You’ve had your ups and downs like everyone else.
JOHN
What ups? Name one good thing that’s happened to me since you’ve known me!
CHARLIE
What about Elizabeth?
JOHN
You’re seriously going to bring her up?
CHARLIE
Yeah, why not? I thought she was the love of your life?
JOHN
She was… until I found out she was fucking the pool guy.
CHARLIE
Wait a minute, she was fucking the pool guy?! I thought you said you two split because she wanted kids and you didn’t?
JOHN
Nope. That’s just what I told everyone. I didn’t want people to associate me with marrying an adulterous bitch.
CHARLIE
Wow, man. I didn’t… I didn’t know. I’m sorry. But your life still isn’t that bad, what about when you won the town lottery?! That was fifty grand in your pocket, easy!
JOHN
Yeah, and that all went towards taxes and my second divorce with Nina, remember?
CHARLIE
Oh yeah…
JOHN
See, my life hasn’t exactly been peaches and cream.
CHARLIE
I don’t get it though, what does this have to do with why you sold your soul?
JOHN
Because, Charlie, it’s the exact reason I sold my soul.
CHARLIE
What do you mean?
JOHN
Isn’t it obvious? I sold my soul for peace, for happiness. I sold my soul for one true moment of absolute contentment.
CHARLIE
You’re serious?
JOHN
Deadly.
CHARLIE
But why? Why not get millions of dollars, or… or loads of women, why just a moment of happiness?
JOHN
I’m not greedy.
CHARLIE
What?! That doesn’t even make any sense.
JOHN
Think of it like this, Charlie – money can be spent, women can be fickle, but a true moment of happiness can’t ever be forgotten or taken away.
CHARLIE
What about when you’re in Hell and you’re getting a pitchfork enema? Are you going to be happy then?
JOHN
Don’t get me wrong, there’ll be pain, a fair amount if it I’m sure, but I’ll still have the memory of that one time I was at peace with myself.
CHARLIE
And this is what you asked the Devil for? You asked him for this one perfect moment?
JOHN
Yes sir.
CHARLIE
No offense, John, but that’s fucking stupid.
JOHN
You’re entitled to your opinion.
CHARLIE
So what does your moment of serenity have to do with Armageddon?
JOHN
I already said I can’t tell you.
CHARLIE
No, that’s not going to cut it, John. You can’t drop a bomb like that and not tell me what’s going on.
JOHN
Charlie, I’m a soulless inhabitant of a world on the brink of total destruction, I think I can do whatever I damn well please.
CHARLIE
You’re a real bastard, you know that?
JOHN
It’s been said.
CHARLIE
You selfish, smug bastard. Is that all you’re really going to say to me?
JOHN
I’ve got nothing else to say.
CHARLIE
I thought we were friends…
JOHN
We’ve already covered this part of the conversation.
CHARLIE
Then maybe we should cover the part where I kick your ass. Or maybe we could go a step further and I could just kill you. It seems you’re pretty set on being a prick, so what if I just slit your throat? Hmm? Maybe that’ll even fix things.
JOHN
No, killing me won’t fix what’s going on, but feel free to send me downstairs ahead of schedule if you want.
CHARLIE
What do you mean “ahead of schedule”?
JOHN
I was given five years to live before Satan cashes my check.
CHARLIE
So not only is your soul going to burn in an ocean of fire for the rest of eternity, but you also had your life shortened?
JOHN
Those were the stipulations.
CHARLIE
How could you do it? How could you make that deal?
JOHN
I was desperate, Charlie.
CHARLIE
Then you should’ve said something, man! I could’ve helped! There are so many different things you could’ve done instead of this.
JOHN
Like what?
CHARLIE
You could’ve gone to a psychiatrist! You could’ve got some Vicodin and doped yourself up! Hell, John, you could’ve gone and got your rocks off with a hooker. There are twenty million other options you could’ve explored other than selling your soul.
JOHN
Are you done lecturing me, dad?
CHARLIE
Oh cute, back to being snarky again.
JOHN
Look Charlie, I don’t expect you to understand my attitude. It’s just, you know, I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.
CHARLIE
You’re wrong though. It’s not just you lying in it; All of mankind is lying in it with you.
JOHN
I know… I know.
(A light knocking occurs at the bunker’s door)
CHARLIE
What was that?
JOHN
I think somebody knocked on the door.
CHARLIE
Do you think it was one of the dead-heads?
JOHN
How should I know?! I’m in here, they’re out there, that’s all that matters.
(The knocking continues)
CHARLIE
It sounds too consistent to be one of them. Maybe it’s a survivor.
JOHN
Maybe it’s someone who wants to kill us.
(A muffled voice comes through the door)
LUCY
Uh, could you let me in please?
CHARLIE
We can definitely rule out the possibility of it being one of the dead.
JOHN
I’m sticking with my theory of us getting killed.
LUCY
I can hear what you’re saying, you know?
CHARLIE
Maybe we should let her in?
LUCY
That’s a good idea, I like that idea.
JOHN
No, I don’t think so. Something doesn’t feel right.
CHARLIE
What are you talking about? She’s obviously a living person and we could stand to rally all the support possible.
JOHN
Charlie, don’t open that door.
CHARLIE
Oh shut up, will you?
(Charlie opens the door, allowing Lucy to enter)
CHARLIE
Please, come in.
LUCY
And they say chivalry’s dead! Thank you so much.
CHARLIE
Not at all. My name’s Charlie, and this is John.
LUCY
Ah yes, the man who was against my entry. It’s a pleasure.
JOHN
Could we dispense with the hollow niceties? How’d you find this place?
LUCY
Excuse me?
JOHN
We’re in a bunker out in the middle of nowhere. I find it very hard to believe that anyone else would know about this place except for Charlie and myself.
LUCY
Actually, that’s a funny story…
(A crashing explosion occurs outside the bunker, causing the set to jostle)
CHARLIE
What was that?
JOHN
Probably the next wave of fire and brimstone I mentioned earlier.
LUCY
I guess I’m lucky you fellas let me in before I got caught in it.
JOHN
Yeah, yeah, continue…
LUCY
With what?
JOHN
I believe you were about to tell us a funny story.
CHARLIE
John, would you calm down and pull the stick out of your ass? Why does it matter how she found this place? She’s here now and we have to make the best of it.
LUCY
I completely agree, but not for nothing, how did you guys know about this place? Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful you were here to open the door for me, but it seems a bit concealed for someone to just stumble across…
JOHN
Odd, that seems to be the exact same thing I just asked you, except with more words.
CHARLIE
Oh, get off it, John. As weird as it sounds, my father had this built during the Cold War.
LUCY
But I thought most bomb shelters were built into backyards? This seems a little like an out of the way location in town to have a personalized bomb shelter.
CHARLIE
Nobody said my father was the brightest color in the crayon box.
LUCY
Ah, I see.
JOHN
Hey, I’m really glad we’re doing the whole bonding thing, but I’d like to get back to how you found this place if that’s not too taxing for you?
CHARLIE
Don’t mind him, he’s just a little upset he ended the world.
JOHN
Bite me, asshole.
CHARLIE
Not with your mouth.
LUCY
I’m sorry, but is that supposed to be a joke or something? I like humor as much as the next person, yet it does seem a little ill timed to be joking about the world ending.
CHARLIE
Lucy, I like to think I have a great sense of humor. However, there’s no joke like that to be told by me.
LUCY
So what you’re saying is…
CHARLIE
My friend here let loose a global A-Bomb.
LUCY
And what, this is your command center or something?
JOHN
Don’t be stupid! Do I look like an evil genius or a comic book villain? Contrary to my friend’s thinly veiled comment about me destroying the world, I didn’t do it on purpose. And I certainly didn’t do it with an A-Bomb.
LUCY
I have to say I am completely confused.
CHARLIE
Don’t worry, so am I.
JOHN
Blow it out your ass, the both of you.
CHARLIE
I guess I should clarify that it wasn’t an actual bomb he used. He--
JOHN
Charlie, would you shut up! We don’t know her from shit, who is she to go telling our personal business to?
CHARLIE
It’s not like it matters, John. We’re dead anyways, why not offer some insight as to why.
JOHN
You mean pin the blame on me.
LUCY
Wait, you’re serious? You’re really serious? You think you caused all this?
CHARLIE
He doesn’t think it, he knows it. Isn’t that right?
JOHN
What the hell is this? Did we just get put on some half-assed reality show where we confess our feelings and actions with the general public for entertainment purposes?
LUCY
Well, that sounds a lot more believable than you selling your soul.
CHARLIE
If only that were the case…
JOHN
Hold on a second. Who said anything about me selling my soul?
LUCY
Charlie did just a minute ago.
JOHN
I don’t think so. He was going to give me the out, but I cut him off.
LUCY
Uhh…
JOHN
Who are you?
LUCY
I told you who I am. My name is Lucy, I’m just trying to survive, like you guys…
JOHN
Cut the BS and tell me who you are.
(John rises and slowly approaches Lucy)
LUCY
Look John, I don’t know what you’re doing, but I’m just…
JOHN
Who the fuck are you?!
(John grabs Lucy’s arm)
CHARLIE
John, stop!
(Charlie rushes to John, but both men are quickly flung back by an invisible force and held in place)
LUCY
You know, that always was an issue of mine. I really have a knack for getting ahead of myself.
CHARLIE
What’s going on?!
JOHN
Charlie, I can’t move! Can you move?
CHARLIE
No! What’s happening?
LUCY
I’ll tell you what’s happening – justice.
CHARLIE
What?!
LUCY
And I believe in giving credit when credit’s due. None of this would be happening if it wasn’t for you, John.
JOHN
What the hell are you talking about?
LUCY
That whole pesky soul business. I tell you, the red tape to get an apocalypse going will drive you crazy.
JOHN
Oh no.
CHARLIE
What, what is it, John?!
JOHN
I know who she is…
CHARLIE
And?! Who is she?
JOHN
Satan.
LUCY
Ding-ding-ding-ding, give the man a silver dollar!
CHARLIE
Satan? As in Satan, Satan? As in THE Satan?
LUCY
I prefer Mrs. Satan, but THE Satan works too.
JOHN
Wait a minute, when I saw you last you were a guy.
LUCY
Yes, I can take on many visages. But this is a special occasion, and I wanted to show you the real me.
CHARLIE
The real you? But I thought the real you was a male angel? That’s what the Bible says.
LUCY
It’s just a book, Charlie. On top of that, it’s a book written by men. Do you really think they wanted everyone to know that the Devil was a woman? Although, it would’ve made a lot more sense in hindsight… After all, men make that comparison almost daily now.
CHARLIE
No, I don’t buy it.
LUCY
Is it so startling that Lucifer is actually Lucifette? Get with the times. If a woman can vote, a woman can be your anti-Christ.
CHARLIE
Oh great, Satan’s a feminist…
JOHN
What’s next, do we get the speech about if a woman can be the Devil, a woman can be president?
LUCY
Just as long as it’s not Palin. That bitch makes me look tame.
JOHN
But why not just stay a female all the time then? Why’d you first approach me as a man?
LUCY
Seriously, you don’t get it? John, your track record with women doesn’t really inspire confidence in the idea of you selling your soul to one. I needed to close you, and let’s face it, you wouldn’t buy a car from a chick, would you?
CHARLIE
You said this was justice, what’d you mean by that?
LUCY
Jeez, between the both of you I’m surprised there’s enough intelligence to open a jar of pickles. Or do you get your wives to do it just after they’re done changing your manpons?
JOHN
My god, you do love the sound of your own voice, don’t you? Just answer the question.
LUCY
You want to know how this is justice? Because one person sold their soul for a fleeting moment of happiness, proving that no matter how many gifts God gives them, they’re never satisfied. My father picked you meatbags over me, over my brothers, over a superior race, and look what happened! I’m now ready to force feed this point directly down his throat!
JOHN
All of this is to prove God wrong?
LUCY
Why else would I end the world?! He told us angels to bow down before you sacks of crap because you were the best of all his creations. He told us all that people would be given the freedom of choice, and that we’d have to abide by it. He told me to serve a race of insects that would inevitably destroy themselves. Tell me something, how would you feel being enslaved to an inferior species?
CHARLIE
Oh boo-hoo, you’ve got daddy issues! Why didn’t you become a stripper like a normal chick would’ve?!
LUCY
Cute, very cute. You sound just like all the guys who blame Eve for getting Adam cast out of Eden. The truth is she wasn’t tempted by the snake to eat the apple, she was just proving that men, and above all else – God, have a superiority complex. Have whatever you want, but your ass is fucked if you dare touch my apples! The man makes it seem like they were only grown to be in an award winning pie or something.
JOHN
Speaking of superiority complexes…
LUCY
What, you think I have a superiority complex? No, I have bitterness from getting a millennium long timeout. Especially since I did nothing wrong.
JOHN
Ha, how do you figure that? You’re the Devil!
LUCY
Aside from refusing to bow down to a group of self-destructive monkeys, all I wanted was to be seen like my dad. That’s my big crime.
CHARLIE
Yeah, but the Bible says trying to make yourself be seen like God is a bad thing.
LUCY
The Bible is a list of rules written by a bunch of uptight parental figures wagging the proverbial “don’t do that” finger at the human race. I don’t fall into that category.
I’m part of a much more sophisticated race. However, I’ll be the first to admit that you humans and I have one thing in common.
JOHN
Really, what’s that? Being massively full of shit?
LUCY
No… God cast me out of Heaven because I wanted to be seen like him. I looked at him and said to myself it would be great if I could be just like God some day.
JOHN
What does that have to do with relating to humans?
LUCY
Because what child doesn’t grow up saying they want to be like their parents, or better than their parents? More importantly, what parent doesn’t want that for their child? Every single one of you I’ve observed has always had that feeling for your offspring, to hope they’ll one day surpass you. What makes God so tyrannical and dictator-like that he wouldn’t want that for his kids?
JOHN
Hmm, maybe he just doesn’t want that for you? After all, he told you no and look what happened, you decided to throw an apocalyptic hissy-fit.
CHARLIE
Which raises an inquiry; how did John asking for a moment of happiness start Armageddon?
LUCY
See, now you’re just asking stupid questions again. It’s pretty obvious if you think about it.
JOHN
Umm, you’re the Devil and you take pride in screwing people over?
LUCY
First off, yes. Secondly, it’s all about how you word the deal. Word it properly and carefully, apocalypses don’t happen. Give the Devil a blank slate to run with, watch everyone around you burn and all those zombie fanboys get their wet dreams brought to life.
JOHN
What do you mean “word it properly”? I said I wanted a moment of undiluted happiness, just a single moment. How the hell does that run parallel to having an apocalypse?
LUCY
Because you didn’t say how you wanted that moment to occur.
JOHN
Are you fucking serious? You’re going to get me on a technicality?
LUCY
Learn to read between the lines. The devil’s in the details, I’m afraid.
JOHN
That’s bullshit, that is complete and utter bullshit.
LUCY
John, calm down. You make it seem like I won’t deliver on my end of the deal. Once the apocalypse is over, you’ll get your moment you asked for.
JOHN
And when will the apocalypse be over?
LUCY
Just a little under five years. It’s enough time for you to stew in this and really appreciate that moment when it comes. I mean, I don’t just want you to sit there and be happy, I want you to drown in euphoria. You wouldn’t be able to do that without experiencing something like an end-all situation. Trust me, you’ll appreciate it once you get to Hell.
JOHN
Who knew the Devil was so thoughtful?
LUCY
Your sarcasm is really unnecessary, and believe me when I say you’ll be thanking me once you hit the blast furnace downstairs.
CHARLIE
How can we short-circuit this?
LUCY
Excuse me?
CHARLIE
The apocalypse, Armageddon, whatever you want to call it. How can we pull the plug?
LUCY
John’s deal is done, there’s no way to backtrack this.
CHARLIE
Bull. You can stop all of this right now.
LUCY
I’m sorry, my hands are tied. I can’t stop the purge of humanity… But you can.
CHARLIE
What?
LUCY
You heard me. You could be the savior of the human race.
CHARLIE
How?
LUCY
Well, it’s actually a relatively simple process. You tell me you want the apocalypse to stop, I agree to it, you give me your soul and we call it a day.
CHARLIE
Oh, is that all? Come on!
LUCY
Look, it’s a… Hang on a second, we can’t talk under these circumstances.
(Lucy releases John and Charlie from the supernatural hold that had them glued still)
LUCY
It’s a win-win situation. I get your soul and you live on forever in the hearts of everyone as a hero. You’d be foolish to pass this up.
JOHN
Charlie, don’t do it. She’ll find a way to welch on it!
CHARLIE
Shut up, John.
LUCY
Yeah, shut up, John.
CHARLIE
How long do I get before you come for my soul?
LUCY
Well, that’s actually the kicker in the pants. For something this heavyweight, I’d have to take it instantly.
CHARLIE
What? Forget it then!
LUCY
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie boy, don’t be so quick to say no. Think about everything this one selfless act would do. The sun would go back to shining, the dead people would go back to their day jobs, birds would sing, dogs would fornicate, the hills would be alive again with the sound of music!
JOHN
Don’t listen to her. Just look at how my simple request turned into a giant ball of fiery semantics. She’ll screw with it somehow.
LUCY
John, words hurt. Besides, this would get you your moment a lot faster than if the apocalypse continued to rage on.
JOHN
Yeah, I just can’t wait to be shooting happy rainbows out of my ass. Why are you toying with him? Just take me already so everything can go back to normal.
LUCY
I’m sorry, but we’re not in negotiations right now. Charlie and I are in the middle of talking about a deal.
CHARLIE
Would you really end all of this? Would you do a ceasefire on Armageddon?
LUCY
Hey, if that’s the deal you want to make, I can’t mess with it. But I do need you to make a decision soon; I have a three o’clock in Iraq.
JOHN
Charlie, I’m telling you…
CHARLIE
I heard you, John! I get that there’s risks involved, but I can’t pass this up, not if it saves everyone. It’s one life compared to six billion.
LUCY
Well, actually it’s down to about four billion and change… Not a lot of people were ready for the apocalypse. What’s funny is a majority of the deaths were Chrisitians.
(Both men stare at her with distaste)
LUCY
What?!
JOHN
Charlie, please. I’m begging you, don’t do this. We’re friends, and I don’t want to see you throw your life away!
CHARLIE
We’re friends? How quickly you’ve forgotten that we’re playing by a whole new set of rules, how friendships mean little.
JOHN
You don’t understand, I--
CHARLIE
Alright Lucy, I’ll give you my soul in exchange for you stopping the apocalypse. Do we have a deal?
(Charlie extends his hand)
LUCY
Deal.
JOHN
No!
(Lucy shakes Charlie’s hand, causing him to fall over, dead)
LUCY
Ouch, tough break. But look at it this way – crisis averted.
JOHN
You cold-hearted bitch.
LUCY
It’s been said.
JOHN
What about me then? Where’s my moment of happiness? Where’s my grand prize so I can hurry up and join Charlie in the pit?
LUCY
Actually, I have some bad news on that front…
JOHN
What? What happened?
LUCY
Remember when I said you have to word what you say properly? Well, your friend failed to do that, and in turn he canceled out your deal.
JOHN
Oh, and how’d he do that?
LUCY
He asked for me to stop the apocalypse, but he never said how he wanted me to stop it.
JOHN
I knew it, I knew you’d find a way to dick this around.
LUCY
Hey, I gave him the disclaimer. It’s not my fault he didn’t listen.
JOHN
So what’s this all mean then? How has the apocalypse stopped?
LUCY
Every person, every animal, every insect, every creature, every single thing that could be construed as an attributor to the end of the world has ceased to live.
JOHN
So what you’re saying is you’ve killed off everyone and everything?
LUCY
Well, if you wanna use the layman…
JOHN
Cut the shit! That’s not what Charlie’s deal was and you know it! Fix it!
LUCY
Sorry, the deal was between Charlie and myself, not you. I held up my end of the bargain and he held up his. Nothing can be done now.
JOHN
What then, does this mean I have my soul back if his deal cut mine off?
LUCY
Umm, no, actually. See, selling your soul is one of those “All sales are final” situations. And it was key to have the apocalypse going so you could get your moment of happiness. No apocalypse means no happiness.
JOHN
Why the hell not?
LUCY
It’s not like I have some magic wand that dopes you up on tranquilizers, your happiness was supposed to be one of those self-realization moments.
JOHN
God damnit, I knew you’d find a way out of this, out of all of this.
LUCY
Woah now, wait a minute. It’s not like you walk away empty handed. I’ve given you a gift.
JOHN
Oh really, what’s that, herpes?
LUCY
No, immortality.
JOHN
And what am I supposed to do with that?
LUCY
Uh, I think the whole point is to live? It’s kind of written into the fabric of the idea surrounding immortality.
JOHN
No, you smart ass. What am I supposed to do in a world where no one else is alive? Where I’m the only one around.
LUCY
Ah, I see the issue now. Let me explain it to you like this; You sold your soul and were guaranteed a trip to Hell in doing so. However, instead of taking you to my Hell, I’m giving you a chance to create your own. Don’t get me wrong, mine is brutal, but yours is going to be so much worse. It’s one thing to be tortured by demons and damned souls twenty-four/seven. It’s a completely different beast when you’re left to torture yourself. But if you’ll excuse me, I really must be going.
JOHN
Going where? I’m fairly certain your three o’clock was canceled when you killed everyone.
LUCY
Jeez, such a sourpuss… But yes, my three o’clock was canceled, hence why I’m heading home.
JOHN
Home? You mean Hell?
LUCY
No, I mean home. As in the other place.
JOHN
Heaven?
LUCY
Y’know, calling it that is so misleading. There’s no beer on tap, no rock music blaring loudly in the background, no cherubs wearing diapers or completely nude women playing harps. It’s very reminiscent of a sixth grade middle school classroom – devoid of anything fun.
JOHN
But why are you heading there? More importantly, how are you heading there?
LUCY
Are you kidding me? It may not look like it, but I’m packing a mean set of wings under this blouse that would make Kotex proud. As for why, well, let’s just say I get to go to my daddy and tell him “I told you so”.
(Lucy walks to the bunker door and opens it)
LUCY
Cheer up, Johnny. It’s not all that bad. Think about it like this, there’s no more waiting in line to use the bathroom after you get out of the movies.
JOHN
Forgive me if I’m seem ungrateful, but that really doesn’t make me feel better…
LUCY
Oh John, John, John. How you’ve dug yourself a hole… Ah well, shit happens. I hate to cut and run, but I’m really late now for my dinner date with daddy. One last thing before I go though…
JOHN
What?
LUCY
Welcome to Hell. Enjoy your stay.
(Lucy steps outside the door and closes it, leaving John alone to contemplate oblivion)
The End
Fine Print
By: Michael Flanders
Setting: Two men are sitting alone in a burned out bomb shelter, discussing the circumstances of the apocalypse that surrounds them.
JOHN
I’m sorry.
CHARLIE
You’re sorry?!
JOHN
What else do you want me to say? What else can be said?
CHARLIE
Well, I’m sure you can muster up something better than a half-assed apology. Do you understand what you did?
JOHN
Yes, Charlie, I’m quite aware of what I did, and I’d take it all back if I could, trust me.
CHARLIE
No, John, I don’t think you quite grasp the severity of the situation here. You ended the world! A simple apology ain’t going to cut it.
JOHN
Then what do you want me say, huh? Because obviously you’re an expert on this crap and you should just tell me what you want to hear.
CHARLIE
I don’t know what I want to hear, okay? Excuse me for seeming a little out of sorts, but my best friend just told me he nuked the planet!
JOHN
Yeah, I nuked the planet. That’s exactly what I did. I woke up yesterday morning and said “Huh, I wonder what the world would be like if we experienced the apocalypse? Thank God I racked up all that vacation time at work!”
CHARLIE
Don’t get snarky with me, asshole.
JOHN
I’m sorry, Charlie. It’s just… hard. I mean, yesterday I was going to work, paying my taxes, mowing the lawn, and then today I’m grabbing a blunt object to beat my neighbor’s head in with. Hell, today I’m hiding in an old bomb shelter as to avoid the next blast wave of fire and brimstone.
(Charlie chuckles)
CHARLIE
Who knew Revelations would’ve been so on the ball, right?
JOHN
What do you mean?
CHARLIE
Corinthians 15:52 – “In the moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump; for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.”
JOHN
I didn’t know you knew the Bible.
CHARLIE
My folks used to make me go to church when I was a kid. I didn’t want to go, but I made the best of it. During my time there I ran across Revelations, and to this day I can’t not read it. I just never thought I’d be living it…
JOHN
Yeah, me too.
CHARLIE
Here’s the thing I don’t get though, you say you sold your soul, right?
JOHN
Yup.
CHARLIE
And then right after you did that is when all of this stuff started?
JOHN
Pretty much.
CHARLIE
How do you know they’re connected then? How do you even know if you really sold your soul?
JOHN
Charlie, you know me. Do I seem like the type of guy to buy into religious BS without having a good grasp on the situation? I… I can’t explain it properly, but when I made the deal I could just tell there was something different about me. And as for how I know the two events are connected, well…
CHARLIE
Yeah?
JOHN
The Devil told me they were.
CHARLIE
The Devil? As in THE Devil?
JOHN
The one and only.
CHARLIE
What? He bet a fiddle of gold against your soul and you lost?
JOHN
No, it’s not like that.
CHARLIE
Then tell me what it’s like! Tell me how you selling your soul brought damnation upon humanity!
JOHN
God damnit.
CHARLIE
Kind of on the nose with that one, don’t you think?
JOHN
Look Charlie, I can’t tell you.
CHARLIE
Why the hell not?
JOHN
Because I just can’t!
CHARLIE
No, I don’t accept that.
JOHN
Too bad, it’s all you’re getting from me right now.
CHARLIE
But I’m your oldest friend, and this is how you’re going to treat me?
JOHN
You’re damn right. We’re playing by a whole new set of rules now, Charlie. Friendships mean little.
CHARLIE
Not to me.
(John bows his head and remains quiet. Charlie lets the silence hang in the air for a moment before speaking again)
CHARLIE
What’d you get?
JOHN
Pardon?
CHARLIE
For your soul, what’d you get?
JOHN
You mean aside from the dead rising and the sky raining fire down on us? Not much.
CHARLIE
Is this what you asked for?
JOHN
Not even close.
CHARLIE
Then what was it?
(John hesitates a moment)
JOHN
Charlie, you’ve known me how long now, twenty-five years?
CHARLIE
Give or take.
JOHN
Has my life ever appeared… happy?
CHARLIE
You’ve had your ups and downs like everyone else.
JOHN
What ups? Name one good thing that’s happened to me since you’ve known me!
CHARLIE
What about Elizabeth?
JOHN
You’re seriously going to bring her up?
CHARLIE
Yeah, why not? I thought she was the love of your life?
JOHN
She was… until I found out she was fucking the pool guy.
CHARLIE
Wait a minute, she was fucking the pool guy?! I thought you said you two split because she wanted kids and you didn’t?
JOHN
Nope. That’s just what I told everyone. I didn’t want people to associate me with marrying an adulterous bitch.
CHARLIE
Wow, man. I didn’t… I didn’t know. I’m sorry. But your life still isn’t that bad, what about when you won the town lottery?! That was fifty grand in your pocket, easy!
JOHN
Yeah, and that all went towards taxes and my second divorce with Nina, remember?
CHARLIE
Oh yeah…
JOHN
See, my life hasn’t exactly been peaches and cream.
CHARLIE
I don’t get it though, what does this have to do with why you sold your soul?
JOHN
Because, Charlie, it’s the exact reason I sold my soul.
CHARLIE
What do you mean?
JOHN
Isn’t it obvious? I sold my soul for peace, for happiness. I sold my soul for one true moment of absolute contentment.
CHARLIE
You’re serious?
JOHN
Deadly.
CHARLIE
But why? Why not get millions of dollars, or… or loads of women, why just a moment of happiness?
JOHN
I’m not greedy.
CHARLIE
What?! That doesn’t even make any sense.
JOHN
Think of it like this, Charlie – money can be spent, women can be fickle, but a true moment of happiness can’t ever be forgotten or taken away.
CHARLIE
What about when you’re in Hell and you’re getting a pitchfork enema? Are you going to be happy then?
JOHN
Don’t get me wrong, there’ll be pain, a fair amount if it I’m sure, but I’ll still have the memory of that one time I was at peace with myself.
CHARLIE
And this is what you asked the Devil for? You asked him for this one perfect moment?
JOHN
Yes sir.
CHARLIE
No offense, John, but that’s fucking stupid.
JOHN
You’re entitled to your opinion.
CHARLIE
So what does your moment of serenity have to do with Armageddon?
JOHN
I already said I can’t tell you.
CHARLIE
No, that’s not going to cut it, John. You can’t drop a bomb like that and not tell me what’s going on.
JOHN
Charlie, I’m a soulless inhabitant of a world on the brink of total destruction, I think I can do whatever I damn well please.
CHARLIE
You’re a real bastard, you know that?
JOHN
It’s been said.
CHARLIE
You selfish, smug bastard. Is that all you’re really going to say to me?
JOHN
I’ve got nothing else to say.
CHARLIE
I thought we were friends…
JOHN
We’ve already covered this part of the conversation.
CHARLIE
Then maybe we should cover the part where I kick your ass. Or maybe we could go a step further and I could just kill you. It seems you’re pretty set on being a prick, so what if I just slit your throat? Hmm? Maybe that’ll even fix things.
JOHN
No, killing me won’t fix what’s going on, but feel free to send me downstairs ahead of schedule if you want.
CHARLIE
What do you mean “ahead of schedule”?
JOHN
I was given five years to live before Satan cashes my check.
CHARLIE
So not only is your soul going to burn in an ocean of fire for the rest of eternity, but you also had your life shortened?
JOHN
Those were the stipulations.
CHARLIE
How could you do it? How could you make that deal?
JOHN
I was desperate, Charlie.
CHARLIE
Then you should’ve said something, man! I could’ve helped! There are so many different things you could’ve done instead of this.
JOHN
Like what?
CHARLIE
You could’ve gone to a psychiatrist! You could’ve got some Vicodin and doped yourself up! Hell, John, you could’ve gone and got your rocks off with a hooker. There are twenty million other options you could’ve explored other than selling your soul.
JOHN
Are you done lecturing me, dad?
CHARLIE
Oh cute, back to being snarky again.
JOHN
Look Charlie, I don’t expect you to understand my attitude. It’s just, you know, I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.
CHARLIE
You’re wrong though. It’s not just you lying in it; All of mankind is lying in it with you.
JOHN
I know… I know.
(A light knocking occurs at the bunker’s door)
CHARLIE
What was that?
JOHN
I think somebody knocked on the door.
CHARLIE
Do you think it was one of the dead-heads?
JOHN
How should I know?! I’m in here, they’re out there, that’s all that matters.
(The knocking continues)
CHARLIE
It sounds too consistent to be one of them. Maybe it’s a survivor.
JOHN
Maybe it’s someone who wants to kill us.
(A muffled voice comes through the door)
LUCY
Uh, could you let me in please?
CHARLIE
We can definitely rule out the possibility of it being one of the dead.
JOHN
I’m sticking with my theory of us getting killed.
LUCY
I can hear what you’re saying, you know?
CHARLIE
Maybe we should let her in?
LUCY
That’s a good idea, I like that idea.
JOHN
No, I don’t think so. Something doesn’t feel right.
CHARLIE
What are you talking about? She’s obviously a living person and we could stand to rally all the support possible.
JOHN
Charlie, don’t open that door.
CHARLIE
Oh shut up, will you?
(Charlie opens the door, allowing Lucy to enter)
CHARLIE
Please, come in.
LUCY
And they say chivalry’s dead! Thank you so much.
CHARLIE
Not at all. My name’s Charlie, and this is John.
LUCY
Ah yes, the man who was against my entry. It’s a pleasure.
JOHN
Could we dispense with the hollow niceties? How’d you find this place?
LUCY
Excuse me?
JOHN
We’re in a bunker out in the middle of nowhere. I find it very hard to believe that anyone else would know about this place except for Charlie and myself.
LUCY
Actually, that’s a funny story…
(A crashing explosion occurs outside the bunker, causing the set to jostle)
CHARLIE
What was that?
JOHN
Probably the next wave of fire and brimstone I mentioned earlier.
LUCY
I guess I’m lucky you fellas let me in before I got caught in it.
JOHN
Yeah, yeah, continue…
LUCY
With what?
JOHN
I believe you were about to tell us a funny story.
CHARLIE
John, would you calm down and pull the stick out of your ass? Why does it matter how she found this place? She’s here now and we have to make the best of it.
LUCY
I completely agree, but not for nothing, how did you guys know about this place? Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful you were here to open the door for me, but it seems a bit concealed for someone to just stumble across…
JOHN
Odd, that seems to be the exact same thing I just asked you, except with more words.
CHARLIE
Oh, get off it, John. As weird as it sounds, my father had this built during the Cold War.
LUCY
But I thought most bomb shelters were built into backyards? This seems a little like an out of the way location in town to have a personalized bomb shelter.
CHARLIE
Nobody said my father was the brightest color in the crayon box.
LUCY
Ah, I see.
JOHN
Hey, I’m really glad we’re doing the whole bonding thing, but I’d like to get back to how you found this place if that’s not too taxing for you?
CHARLIE
Don’t mind him, he’s just a little upset he ended the world.
JOHN
Bite me, asshole.
CHARLIE
Not with your mouth.
LUCY
I’m sorry, but is that supposed to be a joke or something? I like humor as much as the next person, yet it does seem a little ill timed to be joking about the world ending.
CHARLIE
Lucy, I like to think I have a great sense of humor. However, there’s no joke like that to be told by me.
LUCY
So what you’re saying is…
CHARLIE
My friend here let loose a global A-Bomb.
LUCY
And what, this is your command center or something?
JOHN
Don’t be stupid! Do I look like an evil genius or a comic book villain? Contrary to my friend’s thinly veiled comment about me destroying the world, I didn’t do it on purpose. And I certainly didn’t do it with an A-Bomb.
LUCY
I have to say I am completely confused.
CHARLIE
Don’t worry, so am I.
JOHN
Blow it out your ass, the both of you.
CHARLIE
I guess I should clarify that it wasn’t an actual bomb he used. He--
JOHN
Charlie, would you shut up! We don’t know her from shit, who is she to go telling our personal business to?
CHARLIE
It’s not like it matters, John. We’re dead anyways, why not offer some insight as to why.
JOHN
You mean pin the blame on me.
LUCY
Wait, you’re serious? You’re really serious? You think you caused all this?
CHARLIE
He doesn’t think it, he knows it. Isn’t that right?
JOHN
What the hell is this? Did we just get put on some half-assed reality show where we confess our feelings and actions with the general public for entertainment purposes?
LUCY
Well, that sounds a lot more believable than you selling your soul.
CHARLIE
If only that were the case…
JOHN
Hold on a second. Who said anything about me selling my soul?
LUCY
Charlie did just a minute ago.
JOHN
I don’t think so. He was going to give me the out, but I cut him off.
LUCY
Uhh…
JOHN
Who are you?
LUCY
I told you who I am. My name is Lucy, I’m just trying to survive, like you guys…
JOHN
Cut the BS and tell me who you are.
(John rises and slowly approaches Lucy)
LUCY
Look John, I don’t know what you’re doing, but I’m just…
JOHN
Who the fuck are you?!
(John grabs Lucy’s arm)
CHARLIE
John, stop!
(Charlie rushes to John, but both men are quickly flung back by an invisible force and held in place)
LUCY
You know, that always was an issue of mine. I really have a knack for getting ahead of myself.
CHARLIE
What’s going on?!
JOHN
Charlie, I can’t move! Can you move?
CHARLIE
No! What’s happening?
LUCY
I’ll tell you what’s happening – justice.
CHARLIE
What?!
LUCY
And I believe in giving credit when credit’s due. None of this would be happening if it wasn’t for you, John.
JOHN
What the hell are you talking about?
LUCY
That whole pesky soul business. I tell you, the red tape to get an apocalypse going will drive you crazy.
JOHN
Oh no.
CHARLIE
What, what is it, John?!
JOHN
I know who she is…
CHARLIE
And?! Who is she?
JOHN
Satan.
LUCY
Ding-ding-ding-ding, give the man a silver dollar!
CHARLIE
Satan? As in Satan, Satan? As in THE Satan?
LUCY
I prefer Mrs. Satan, but THE Satan works too.
JOHN
Wait a minute, when I saw you last you were a guy.
LUCY
Yes, I can take on many visages. But this is a special occasion, and I wanted to show you the real me.
CHARLIE
The real you? But I thought the real you was a male angel? That’s what the Bible says.
LUCY
It’s just a book, Charlie. On top of that, it’s a book written by men. Do you really think they wanted everyone to know that the Devil was a woman? Although, it would’ve made a lot more sense in hindsight… After all, men make that comparison almost daily now.
CHARLIE
No, I don’t buy it.
LUCY
Is it so startling that Lucifer is actually Lucifette? Get with the times. If a woman can vote, a woman can be your anti-Christ.
CHARLIE
Oh great, Satan’s a feminist…
JOHN
What’s next, do we get the speech about if a woman can be the Devil, a woman can be president?
LUCY
Just as long as it’s not Palin. That bitch makes me look tame.
JOHN
But why not just stay a female all the time then? Why’d you first approach me as a man?
LUCY
Seriously, you don’t get it? John, your track record with women doesn’t really inspire confidence in the idea of you selling your soul to one. I needed to close you, and let’s face it, you wouldn’t buy a car from a chick, would you?
CHARLIE
You said this was justice, what’d you mean by that?
LUCY
Jeez, between the both of you I’m surprised there’s enough intelligence to open a jar of pickles. Or do you get your wives to do it just after they’re done changing your manpons?
JOHN
My god, you do love the sound of your own voice, don’t you? Just answer the question.
LUCY
You want to know how this is justice? Because one person sold their soul for a fleeting moment of happiness, proving that no matter how many gifts God gives them, they’re never satisfied. My father picked you meatbags over me, over my brothers, over a superior race, and look what happened! I’m now ready to force feed this point directly down his throat!
JOHN
All of this is to prove God wrong?
LUCY
Why else would I end the world?! He told us angels to bow down before you sacks of crap because you were the best of all his creations. He told us all that people would be given the freedom of choice, and that we’d have to abide by it. He told me to serve a race of insects that would inevitably destroy themselves. Tell me something, how would you feel being enslaved to an inferior species?
CHARLIE
Oh boo-hoo, you’ve got daddy issues! Why didn’t you become a stripper like a normal chick would’ve?!
LUCY
Cute, very cute. You sound just like all the guys who blame Eve for getting Adam cast out of Eden. The truth is she wasn’t tempted by the snake to eat the apple, she was just proving that men, and above all else – God, have a superiority complex. Have whatever you want, but your ass is fucked if you dare touch my apples! The man makes it seem like they were only grown to be in an award winning pie or something.
JOHN
Speaking of superiority complexes…
LUCY
What, you think I have a superiority complex? No, I have bitterness from getting a millennium long timeout. Especially since I did nothing wrong.
JOHN
Ha, how do you figure that? You’re the Devil!
LUCY
Aside from refusing to bow down to a group of self-destructive monkeys, all I wanted was to be seen like my dad. That’s my big crime.
CHARLIE
Yeah, but the Bible says trying to make yourself be seen like God is a bad thing.
LUCY
The Bible is a list of rules written by a bunch of uptight parental figures wagging the proverbial “don’t do that” finger at the human race. I don’t fall into that category.
I’m part of a much more sophisticated race. However, I’ll be the first to admit that you humans and I have one thing in common.
JOHN
Really, what’s that? Being massively full of shit?
LUCY
No… God cast me out of Heaven because I wanted to be seen like him. I looked at him and said to myself it would be great if I could be just like God some day.
JOHN
What does that have to do with relating to humans?
LUCY
Because what child doesn’t grow up saying they want to be like their parents, or better than their parents? More importantly, what parent doesn’t want that for their child? Every single one of you I’ve observed has always had that feeling for your offspring, to hope they’ll one day surpass you. What makes God so tyrannical and dictator-like that he wouldn’t want that for his kids?
JOHN
Hmm, maybe he just doesn’t want that for you? After all, he told you no and look what happened, you decided to throw an apocalyptic hissy-fit.
CHARLIE
Which raises an inquiry; how did John asking for a moment of happiness start Armageddon?
LUCY
See, now you’re just asking stupid questions again. It’s pretty obvious if you think about it.
JOHN
Umm, you’re the Devil and you take pride in screwing people over?
LUCY
First off, yes. Secondly, it’s all about how you word the deal. Word it properly and carefully, apocalypses don’t happen. Give the Devil a blank slate to run with, watch everyone around you burn and all those zombie fanboys get their wet dreams brought to life.
JOHN
What do you mean “word it properly”? I said I wanted a moment of undiluted happiness, just a single moment. How the hell does that run parallel to having an apocalypse?
LUCY
Because you didn’t say how you wanted that moment to occur.
JOHN
Are you fucking serious? You’re going to get me on a technicality?
LUCY
Learn to read between the lines. The devil’s in the details, I’m afraid.
JOHN
That’s bullshit, that is complete and utter bullshit.
LUCY
John, calm down. You make it seem like I won’t deliver on my end of the deal. Once the apocalypse is over, you’ll get your moment you asked for.
JOHN
And when will the apocalypse be over?
LUCY
Just a little under five years. It’s enough time for you to stew in this and really appreciate that moment when it comes. I mean, I don’t just want you to sit there and be happy, I want you to drown in euphoria. You wouldn’t be able to do that without experiencing something like an end-all situation. Trust me, you’ll appreciate it once you get to Hell.
JOHN
Who knew the Devil was so thoughtful?
LUCY
Your sarcasm is really unnecessary, and believe me when I say you’ll be thanking me once you hit the blast furnace downstairs.
CHARLIE
How can we short-circuit this?
LUCY
Excuse me?
CHARLIE
The apocalypse, Armageddon, whatever you want to call it. How can we pull the plug?
LUCY
John’s deal is done, there’s no way to backtrack this.
CHARLIE
Bull. You can stop all of this right now.
LUCY
I’m sorry, my hands are tied. I can’t stop the purge of humanity… But you can.
CHARLIE
What?
LUCY
You heard me. You could be the savior of the human race.
CHARLIE
How?
LUCY
Well, it’s actually a relatively simple process. You tell me you want the apocalypse to stop, I agree to it, you give me your soul and we call it a day.
CHARLIE
Oh, is that all? Come on!
LUCY
Look, it’s a… Hang on a second, we can’t talk under these circumstances.
(Lucy releases John and Charlie from the supernatural hold that had them glued still)
LUCY
It’s a win-win situation. I get your soul and you live on forever in the hearts of everyone as a hero. You’d be foolish to pass this up.
JOHN
Charlie, don’t do it. She’ll find a way to welch on it!
CHARLIE
Shut up, John.
LUCY
Yeah, shut up, John.
CHARLIE
How long do I get before you come for my soul?
LUCY
Well, that’s actually the kicker in the pants. For something this heavyweight, I’d have to take it instantly.
CHARLIE
What? Forget it then!
LUCY
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie boy, don’t be so quick to say no. Think about everything this one selfless act would do. The sun would go back to shining, the dead people would go back to their day jobs, birds would sing, dogs would fornicate, the hills would be alive again with the sound of music!
JOHN
Don’t listen to her. Just look at how my simple request turned into a giant ball of fiery semantics. She’ll screw with it somehow.
LUCY
John, words hurt. Besides, this would get you your moment a lot faster than if the apocalypse continued to rage on.
JOHN
Yeah, I just can’t wait to be shooting happy rainbows out of my ass. Why are you toying with him? Just take me already so everything can go back to normal.
LUCY
I’m sorry, but we’re not in negotiations right now. Charlie and I are in the middle of talking about a deal.
CHARLIE
Would you really end all of this? Would you do a ceasefire on Armageddon?
LUCY
Hey, if that’s the deal you want to make, I can’t mess with it. But I do need you to make a decision soon; I have a three o’clock in Iraq.
JOHN
Charlie, I’m telling you…
CHARLIE
I heard you, John! I get that there’s risks involved, but I can’t pass this up, not if it saves everyone. It’s one life compared to six billion.
LUCY
Well, actually it’s down to about four billion and change… Not a lot of people were ready for the apocalypse. What’s funny is a majority of the deaths were Chrisitians.
(Both men stare at her with distaste)
LUCY
What?!
JOHN
Charlie, please. I’m begging you, don’t do this. We’re friends, and I don’t want to see you throw your life away!
CHARLIE
We’re friends? How quickly you’ve forgotten that we’re playing by a whole new set of rules, how friendships mean little.
JOHN
You don’t understand, I--
CHARLIE
Alright Lucy, I’ll give you my soul in exchange for you stopping the apocalypse. Do we have a deal?
(Charlie extends his hand)
LUCY
Deal.
JOHN
No!
(Lucy shakes Charlie’s hand, causing him to fall over, dead)
LUCY
Ouch, tough break. But look at it this way – crisis averted.
JOHN
You cold-hearted bitch.
LUCY
It’s been said.
JOHN
What about me then? Where’s my moment of happiness? Where’s my grand prize so I can hurry up and join Charlie in the pit?
LUCY
Actually, I have some bad news on that front…
JOHN
What? What happened?
LUCY
Remember when I said you have to word what you say properly? Well, your friend failed to do that, and in turn he canceled out your deal.
JOHN
Oh, and how’d he do that?
LUCY
He asked for me to stop the apocalypse, but he never said how he wanted me to stop it.
JOHN
I knew it, I knew you’d find a way to dick this around.
LUCY
Hey, I gave him the disclaimer. It’s not my fault he didn’t listen.
JOHN
So what’s this all mean then? How has the apocalypse stopped?
LUCY
Every person, every animal, every insect, every creature, every single thing that could be construed as an attributor to the end of the world has ceased to live.
JOHN
So what you’re saying is you’ve killed off everyone and everything?
LUCY
Well, if you wanna use the layman…
JOHN
Cut the shit! That’s not what Charlie’s deal was and you know it! Fix it!
LUCY
Sorry, the deal was between Charlie and myself, not you. I held up my end of the bargain and he held up his. Nothing can be done now.
JOHN
What then, does this mean I have my soul back if his deal cut mine off?
LUCY
Umm, no, actually. See, selling your soul is one of those “All sales are final” situations. And it was key to have the apocalypse going so you could get your moment of happiness. No apocalypse means no happiness.
JOHN
Why the hell not?
LUCY
It’s not like I have some magic wand that dopes you up on tranquilizers, your happiness was supposed to be one of those self-realization moments.
JOHN
God damnit, I knew you’d find a way out of this, out of all of this.
LUCY
Woah now, wait a minute. It’s not like you walk away empty handed. I’ve given you a gift.
JOHN
Oh really, what’s that, herpes?
LUCY
No, immortality.
JOHN
And what am I supposed to do with that?
LUCY
Uh, I think the whole point is to live? It’s kind of written into the fabric of the idea surrounding immortality.
JOHN
No, you smart ass. What am I supposed to do in a world where no one else is alive? Where I’m the only one around.
LUCY
Ah, I see the issue now. Let me explain it to you like this; You sold your soul and were guaranteed a trip to Hell in doing so. However, instead of taking you to my Hell, I’m giving you a chance to create your own. Don’t get me wrong, mine is brutal, but yours is going to be so much worse. It’s one thing to be tortured by demons and damned souls twenty-four/seven. It’s a completely different beast when you’re left to torture yourself. But if you’ll excuse me, I really must be going.
JOHN
Going where? I’m fairly certain your three o’clock was canceled when you killed everyone.
LUCY
Jeez, such a sourpuss… But yes, my three o’clock was canceled, hence why I’m heading home.
JOHN
Home? You mean Hell?
LUCY
No, I mean home. As in the other place.
JOHN
Heaven?
LUCY
Y’know, calling it that is so misleading. There’s no beer on tap, no rock music blaring loudly in the background, no cherubs wearing diapers or completely nude women playing harps. It’s very reminiscent of a sixth grade middle school classroom – devoid of anything fun.
JOHN
But why are you heading there? More importantly, how are you heading there?
LUCY
Are you kidding me? It may not look like it, but I’m packing a mean set of wings under this blouse that would make Kotex proud. As for why, well, let’s just say I get to go to my daddy and tell him “I told you so”.
(Lucy walks to the bunker door and opens it)
LUCY
Cheer up, Johnny. It’s not all that bad. Think about it like this, there’s no more waiting in line to use the bathroom after you get out of the movies.
JOHN
Forgive me if I’m seem ungrateful, but that really doesn’t make me feel better…
LUCY
Oh John, John, John. How you’ve dug yourself a hole… Ah well, shit happens. I hate to cut and run, but I’m really late now for my dinner date with daddy. One last thing before I go though…
JOHN
What?
LUCY
Welcome to Hell. Enjoy your stay.
(Lucy steps outside the door and closes it, leaving John alone to contemplate oblivion)
The End
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