Updates and my "Hyperdrive" review

Hello to all of my not-so-adoring fans! I know it has been almost a month since I last posted anything, but hey, give me a break. Between having to understudy in my own play (The Grimm Identity a.k.a Kill You Dead) and breaking my nose, life has been busy! But I do feel the need to inform you that the play, starting out rocky with its opening show, was met with some pretty good reviews and happened to capture the attention of almost everyone in attendance! With that, I extend a congratulations to everyone who was a part of "The Grimm Identity", and I extend an even bigger congratulations to Mitch Solomon, the director of the show. Good show, sir, good show!

Moving on, I did mention earlier that I had recently broken my nose, so recent mind you that it was the day immediately following the last showing of my play. I broke the bone in two and even managed to get a pretty sexy looking laceration across the bridge. Needless to say, it doesn't look pretty right now. But to the point, during my recovery period I've been watching various television shows and movies, most notably being Nick Frost's "Hyperdrive" (2006). If you're unfamiliar with the name Nick Frost, you'll recognize him as the listless alcoholic Ed from "Shaun of the Dead", the slightly naive, but very eager PC Danny Butterman from "Hot Fuzz", or even as the tank-stealing gun nut Mike Watt in "Spaced". If any of these characters ever made you laugh upon viewing them, then you'll be baffled to find that Nick's character of Michael Henderson in "Hyderdrive" lacks just about everything that makes him one of Britain's leading funny men.

The show itself starts out slow, but quickly reduces its speed ten-fold, making it slower than molasses. The storyline of each episode strives to be original, yet always ends up becoming contrived and very uninspired. Almost all of the jokes induce yawns rather than laughs, and the ones that deserve a chuckle are passed by before a second thought occurs. Don't get me wrong, I find physical humor very funny, but there's only so much I can take of aliens licking someone's face in the name of peace and then trying to rub their genitals against another person's head.

The actors are all very talented, especially Kevin Eldon, of whom I first became familiar with as The Cleaner in Dylan Moran's "Black Books", but the talent is shot down before even leaving the gate. With all of this negativity weighing down on the "con" side of the scale I do have to admit that I'm extremely surprised the BBC would even permit finishing a complete season, let alone letting this show go on for TWO seasons with how lackluster its efforts were. I mean, the only thing really going for this show was the CGI, and even that got very tiresome to look at after awhile.

I'd definitely suggest leaving this show on any video rental store's shelf to collect dust while you peruse the store for another of Nick Frost's better comedy efforts. My advice; stick to "Shaun of the Dead" or Hot Fuzz", at least then you won't want to kill yourself with a dull spoon.

Star Trek - 2009

Let me start this off by saying I’m a huge fan of Star Wars. The idea alone of watching anything relating to Star Trek left me feeling traitorous and sick to my stomach. I mean come on, fraternizing with the enemy is enough to get people shot in some countries, so think about what another Star Wars fan would do if they found out one such as myself had “turned to the Dark Side”.

But I also have another devotion; I’m an avid fan of Simon Pegg. With this, I had to weigh my options. Should I grit my teeth and bear the raping of my delicate Force-Sensitive mind, or should I stay a Trekaphobic and miss the opportunity to watch one of my favorite actors perform brilliantly (as he always does). I hesitantly say luckily, but luckily the former beat out the latter. With that, let’s begin.

Star Trek (2009)
Director: J.J Abrams
Writers: Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman
Starring: Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Eric Bana, Bruce Greenwood, Karl Urban, Zoe Saldana, Simon Pegg, John Cho, Anton Yelchin and Leonard Nimoy

The movie starts out with a light show and a futuristic Romulan ship attacking the USS Kelvin. Ironically enough, this just so happens to be the ship where George and Winona Kirk reside, with more irony following when George is made the new captain upon the attack and Winona is in labor. After the ship sustains too much damage, George orders Winona to escape in a pod, but to keep communication open so he can hear the birth of his son. With his last few seconds alive before a daring gambit, George tells Winona not to name their son Tiberius, for it’s a ridiculous name. Although she apparently listens and decides James should be the child’s first name, it is soon revealed that the full name for the child is James Tiberius Kirk (Who in the hell didn’t see this coming?!?!?!?!).

But that isn’t where the irony or coincidences end in the film, for the entire movie is riddled with them. Between the first encounter of Kirk and McCoy, to the chance meeting of Scotty on a backwater planet, Star Trek gives the audience an underlying tone of fate being stronger than time (I can’t say too much without giving away plot). This is where I’d be ridiculing other films for such attempts, usually for failing at the idea of trying to tie people together in such an odd fashion. Yet, I can do nothing but commend Star Trek for doing this because they did it (Dare I say it…) almost brilliantly. It pains me to say such things (Not just because of my ties to Star Wars, also because I haven’t praised a movie like this in some time), but J.J Abrams stepped up to the plate with his game face on and delivered a home run. The acting is great, the CGI is fantastic and there was nothing better than seeing these “new” faces deliver such lines as “Damnit Jim”, “I’m giving her all she’s got”, or watching Chris Pine’s William Shatner impression during the Starfleet Training Exercise.

Although I still feel great betrayal to the Star Wars mythos, I have to say that I cannot wait until the summer of 2011 for when the sequel to this film comes out. Until then, remember two things: Don’t judge a starship by its hull, but mostly “Live long and prosper.

P.S – I urge all Star Wars fans to put aside their differences and at least give this film a shot. Hating this movie without ever watching it will only prove your ignorance and blindness to the Force. Not to mention that it was Yoda who said that hate is just one of the emotions that can lead to the Dark Side…. Mull that over for a bit and see if you don’t kick yourself in the ass for how right I am.

Halloween - 2009

When I was a kid Halloween was one of the only times of the year that you could really be a kid. Nothing was greater than dressing up as a spooky creature, trick or treating for candy, being allowed to get away with some mischief, and above all else becoming scared. Sadly, Halloween has kind of fallen to the sidelines with other such holidays as Easter, Valentine's Day and the 4th of July.

However, I refuse to let it die without a fight.

This October was a very busy month for me. I was bombarded with zombie scavenger hunts, film festivals and script editing galore! Luckily, my down time was spent doing something productive - turning my front yard into a massive pile of scary and the macabre! There were zombies, scattered limbs, guillotines, and the guest appearances of the Grim Reaper and Satan.
Granted, I've seen houses a lot fancier than mine, but that doesn't change the fact that the response from the neighborhood was overwhelming. Let me put it to you this way, kids were falling off their bikes while checking out my house.

So I spent the month decorating and transforming the house into a B-Rated film, but completely spaced out on setting myself up with a Halloween costume. However, I had acquired a pretty awesome mask at the beginning of the month, which then became the bane of the children's existence. I garbed myself in all black, including a trench coat, and wore some demonic gloves to add some flavor to the outfit. I then sat out in my front yard as an inanimate object and waited for my opportunity to strike. Yes, there were the few skeptics who could see I was blatantly a person, but the crowd of people who became my scare victims overshadowed the former group by a landslide.

In short, scaring children dressed as Scooby-Doo, chasing male nurses halfway down the road, making teeny-boppers cry, nearly getting eaten by a pitbull and running after kids whose only choice was to flee into a moving vehicle was a great way to resurrect the Halloween spirit for myself, and hopefully for the neighborhood. Let's only hope that it carries on into next year for the haunted attraction I have planned!

IHSFFF - Opening Night: Starship Troopers with Casper Van Dien

The International Horror and Sci-Fi Film Festival kicked off with a major bang this year. The opening film of Starship Troopers was an amazing pick to start the festivities, but it got even better when Casper Van Dien, better known as Johnny Rico, stepped in front of the screen and showed everyone just what a character he is. Very down to earth, Van Dien is a smorgasbord of talent, and pulled no punches when demonstrating just how humorous he can be when a camera isn't rolling. A prime example of this came when someone asked him what it was like to work with Paul Verhoeven, the director of Starship Troopers. Van Dien, not a person to sit idly by and just answer questions, jumped out of his chair, donned a makeshift German accent and proceeded to do a hysterical, yet intense impersonation of the director.

"Ze bugs, killz ze bugs! Gah! Killz them all! Killz all ze bugs!", was just one of many phrases Van Dien yelled in order to get his point across. Needless to say, the crowd was impressed and laughed their CENSORED off.

After the film, Casper Van Dien was inducted into the IHSFFF Hall of Fame and even received an award for his work on Starship Troopers. Following that, he was found in another theater signing autographs and taking pictures with the crowd, almost all of whom agree that Starship Troopers 2 would've been better if he'd been in it. With a bowed head, Van Dien solemnly said that Sony didn't want him in it, but he completely agreed with the crowd. Luckily, he came back in Starship Troopers 3, and even expressed an interest in doing more Starship Troopers films. Have we seen the last of Johnny Rico? I highly doubt it, but I do get the feeling it'll be a couple more years before we see him return once more. Until then, "Kill 'em all!"

Starship Troopers (1997)
Director: Paul Verhoeven
Screenplay: Edward Neumeier, based on the book by
Rober A. Heinlein
Starring: Casper Van Dien, Dina Meyer, Denise Richards, Jake Busey, Neil Patrick Harris, Clancy Brown and Michael Ironside

"A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.....

It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.
During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet."

Oh, sorry, wrong movie. Hehe.... Changing reels now!

It is the not too distant future and the world is at war with Klendathu, a planet whose population is that of gigantic insects known as Arachnids. Johnny Rico, a high school student in Buenos Aires, signs up to serve in the mobile infantry so he can impress his girlfriend. After an error in judgment during a live-fire exercise and his girlfriend leaves him, Rico decides that the army life just isn't for him. However, upon his departure, Buenos Aires is attacked by an Arachnid asteroid, causing Rico to rethink his decision. From there on out, Johnny Rico places all of his efforts towards the eradication of the Arachnid race from the galaxy.

An anti-war satire, Starship Troopers pulls no punches in showing us exactly how the government tries to glorify war, while giving us the behind-the-scenes feel of their CENSORED. The acting is phenominal, the CGI holds up really well for being from 1997 and the overall film itself is a masterpiece of Science Fiction. A movie which has spawned two sequels, Starship Troopers holds up quite well to the test of time and definitely doesn't fail in comparing itself to today's warmongering society. We're not fighting 8-foot tall insects that can rip you apart in 2.3 seconds though. What? I'm just stating the obvious.

Zombieland

Have you ever found yourself thinking about what it would be like to exist in a world overrun with zombies? Do you often daydream about the glorious moment that you get to beat someone in the face with a banjo ? Are your thoughts constantly revolving around raiding your local supermarket for that last box of Twinkies? If all of these things sound like you, don't worry, you are not alone. Welcome to Zombieland.

Written by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick, and directed by Ruben Fleischer, Zombieland is a film that takes us on a thrill ride through a post-apocalyptic world crawling with mad cow disease infected zombies. The film's unlikely hero goes by the name of Columbus (played by Jesse Eisneberg), a man in his early twenties that has a phobia of just about everything. He soon hooks up with the banjo-wielding, Twinkie-eating, Hummer-driving badass known as Tallahassee (great casting choice of Woody Harrelson) and off they go together. The twosome set out on an adventure to head east where the zombie virus hasn't reached certain areas. However, Tallahassee soon begins to crave a spongy cream cake, so they make a pit stop. After luring a few zombies to come running to their untimely "redeath", the duo runs into another pair of survivors, Wichita and Little Rock (Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin respectively). Of course the two groups have a few disagreements, but they ultimatley join together to trek through the zombie infested planet.

In itself, Zombieland is a laugh out loud comedy that doesn't pull any punches, but it gets even better when Bill Murray shows up to do a cameo appearance as Bill Murray?! The pacing is great, the gore is never gratuitous, and the entire cast works together beautifully to bring together a story of death, fun and Rule #32 - Enjoying the little things. A movie that will definitely spawn multiple sequels, Zombieland is not one to miss if you're a zombie fan, a comedy fan, or a fan of Deliverence.

Zombieland - playing in a theater near you and most likely will be for quite some time.

The First Friday Zombie Scavenger Hunt

So last Friday was the Second Annual Zombie Scavenger Hunt downtown. Last year my team and I participated in the first hunt and came in 3rd place. The people who won decided to bypass all of the actual challenges and just take pictures with passers-by with flyers. Although each picture is only worth five points, it really racks up when you nearly have four hundred photos of that crap. Needless to say, we lost last year.

This year was different though. This year we lost spectacularly! We dropped to 6th place and we didn't even get to hear what our total amount of points was. Wanna take a guess at how we lost? Yup, you guessed it! The pricks that took 1st didn't even bother to actually do the scavenger hunt. The winners decided to just do that stupid flyer thing and that's what gave them the VIP passes to the International Horror and Sci-Fi Film Festival.

Here's the sitch, next year I'm going there with a camera that can hold about a MILLION photos and then I'm taking a machete. Anyone who doesn't pose with me for a photo with a flyer or anyone that somehow takes the lead is going to meet with the sharp end of Mr. Slicey!

Grr, seething anger.

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto

Remember the cartoons of your past? Remember the cheap animation, the gratuitously awesome plots, hilarious voice acting, and pretty much everything that made them great? Me too! Sadly, the nineties are gone, and with them the outstanding cartoons we all came to love. Now we're left with decent animation, but at the price of pretty much everything else. Don't fret though, our savior has arrived, enter "The Haunted World of El Superbeasto".

Written and directed by Rob Zombie, "The Haunted World of El Superbeasto" has everything that cartoons from the nineties wish they did. Profanity, full-frontal cartoon nudity, rats coming from a rectum, nothing is missing from this guaranteed cult classic.

Starring the voice talents of Tom Papa as El Superbeasto and Sherri Moon Zombie as Suzi X, Superbeasto's sidekick and sister, the plot revolves around the dubious Dr. Satan (voiced by Paul Giamatti, best casting ever!) vying for unimaginable power. However, the only way to lay claim to this power is if he marries a woman with the mark of the beast. More specifically, Dr. Satan needs to marry a chick with the number 666 on her ass. I know, the red tape, it'll drive you nuts!

After a long day of shooting porno flicks and killing Medusa-like monsters (at the same time), Superbeasto decides to relax at his favorite bar. To his surprise though, the lovely Velvet Von Black (portrayed vocally by Rosario Dawson) is on deck to strip in such a way that would even make my ex blush. The dance, being so outlandish, immediately entrances our hero, causing him to fall in lust. Needless to say, Superbeasto begins his courtship of Von Black.

But as fate would have it, Von Black bears the mark that Dr. Satan requires of a bride. So as any evil doctor would do, he dispatches his lowly gorilla assistant to go capture Von Black in the hopes of making her Mrs. Satan. A hilarious sequence occurs where Superbeasto walks in Von Black's dressing room, only to see her in what appears to be the "wheel barrel" position with Dr. Satan's gorilla. After questioning whether he should join in or leave, Superbeasto takes his humble exit with sadness. However, he quickly discerns that something is amiss and he should investigate, but he returns to discover that the stripper has been kidnapped.

A sequence with Suzi X stealing the head of Hitler ensues, and then Superbeasto talks to his sister, asking for her help in rescuing Von Black. Knowing full well that Superbeasto just wants to boink the stripper, Suzi X goes over a list of terms used for sexual intercourse, trying to make sure he has some type of decent agenda planned. A ploy to rescue Von Black is formed and then the movie takes us on a rollercoaster ride through absurdity, randomness, cult cinema and the questioning as to whether or not we're really going to touch ourselves inappropriately.

Guest appearances by Danny Trejo, Bill Moseley, Clint Howard, Ken Foree, Sid Haig and Michael Myers (Yes, THAT Michael Myers), as well as musical narratives (how can you go wrong with "Zombie Nazis standing at a wall now!") ensure that this film sticks with you for hours after its initial viewing. More so, Rob Zombie did a tremendous job combining elements from classic cinema with what the cartoons of yesteryear really wanted to show us. This is a breath of fresh air breathed into the rapidly decaying lungs of the animated world we're given today, Family Guy and Robot Chicken included. This is truly a cult cartoon, made by cult cartoonists, for cult cartoonists! "The Haunted World of El Superbeasto" is surely the animated film hit of the season, and a movie not to miss. Rent it for the family tonight!

Pandorum

Okay kiddies, here's the sitch, I went to an advanced screening of the film "Pandorum" late last week, but I've been so busy working on my script that this is the first time I've blogged in almost a week. I know, I know, how dare I leave my loving public for such a long period of time. Even more so, how dare I blog about going to an advanced screening when the film is now officially in theaters. It's okay though, I'm here now and I can finally give you all my review of the film. Here we go!

When I first saw a preview for "Pandorum", I saw what everyone else saw - "Dead Space". Seriously, the commercials portrayed the movie like it was a direct rip off of the video game "Dead Space". However, this was a very misleading tactic by the film makers, most likely trying to use that as a way to draw in an audience. Well you sly tigers you, that's what did me in and peaked my curiosity.

I knew one minute into the film I was going to be dealing with either a sci-fi thriller or a complete debacle. Five minutes into the film I knew I was dealing with the latter. You can tell you're in for a real treat when the actual dialogue that sets the film in motion sounds a lot like follows; "I don't remember who I am, but I know who I am, even though I can't remember who I am, but I have this tattoo to help me remember who I am, but I can't remember what the tattoo means, but I now remember what it stands for, even though I just forgot, but I know who I am because I remembered that one time I forgot that thing that I remembered that I forgot." Take a moment to review that a few times and you'll become as baffled as I am, because that's about the extent of the dialogue that was used to begin our story arc. With that, I had hoped the movie would only get better. Sadly, I should've seen the downfall coming.

The movie continued to become more ridiculous, throwing cheap gore moments at the audience in hopes of getting a response, but this tactic was laughable at best. When we weren't staring at gooey space skulls or people being hung from traps, we were being shown what I can only describe as alien zombies. Yes, alien zombies. Well, that's what the people online are calling them anyways. The creatures have advanced speed, incredible strength and the appearance of Gollum, which trust me, is not a flattering look for anyone. Not only that, but it took easily three normal people using all of their combined abilities to merely kill one of these "advanced" monsters. Although, the film soon contradicts itself when the powerhouse of the human group fights the "tribal leader" of your alien antagonists in a one on one match to the death.

Speaking of the powerhouse in the group, he speaks a completely different language than that of everyone else he's around. I don't know if he's using an actual language from the planet Earth, a varied form of the alien dialect, or if he's just trying to eat his own tongue, but no one can understand him. Don't worry though, the writers soon cover up this problem by just simply forgetting about. Without explanation or some sort of deciphering device, everyone is kosher and completely able to understand one another. This is where I really looked at the screen and went "Excuse me, what exactly is going on?" Believe me though, it gets worse.

The leader of the human group, who is on his way to turn back on some sort of reactor, even though he forgot how to flip the "on" switch, begins to explain why he originally joined this now fatal space mission. He gives us this sad story about how he joined the "space army" and asked his wife to come with him aboard the ship he'd be departing on. To his dismay, she declines and leaves him. I know, sad, right? Don't worry, the guy quickly perks himself up by joining the "space army".... Wait, what? Isn't that what caused him and his wife to become estranged, him joining with the intergalactic militia? My head is officially spinning at this point in the theater.

To help cure what seems like fifty-five and a half bad movie ideas combined, the director gives us odd camera angles, gory sequences that really have no relevance to the now dwindling plot, and flashy scenes that are meant to capture the audience's attention. Luckily, this takes us to the end of the film.

Without giving much away, I'll tell you this - the ending was predictable, the acting couldn't get much worse than that in an elementary school play, and the film is left riddled with plotholes that I can only say are possibly there to imply the potential for a sequel. If there is a God or some sort of higher power, I can only pray that they'll stop any attempts at this spinning off into another film.

Lastly, the big punchline for the film, but they give it away almost immediately, is that "Pandorum" is like a space form of cabin fever, causing all sorts of not-so-nifty side affects. Paranoia, sweating, twitching, blurred vision, and complete stupidity appear to be some of the more prominent side affects of this lackluster "disease". Keeping that in mind, I left the theater with blurred vision, sweating and a feeling of what I describe as a hammer bashing in my brains. I hope that means I'm suffering from "Pandorum", and that I'll soon die in a horribly outrageous way that will allow me to forget whatever attempt at film making this movie was.

Oh, but the special effects were kind of entertaining. Just sayin'.

It is on!

The Second Annual Zombie-Walk/Scavenger Hunt will be taking place at First Friday on Oct. 2nd, 2009.

First Place receives four VIP passes to the 2009 International Horror and Sci-Fi Film Festival (which I was on the viewing committee for!)

Second Place receives four Flex passes to the 2009 International Horror and Sci-Fi Film Festival

Third Place gets a hand shake (This is where my team was last year, suckage)

All teams get two-for-one coupons to the festival, along with free entrance to a movie premiere downtown following immediately after the hunt, sponsored by the Midnite Movie Mamacita!

Minimal number of people to a team is two, four being the maximum. More details can be found at the International Horror and Sci-Fi website (Google it, I've already done my share of the work!)

Hope to see you all there, and let me know if you're interested in making a team!

Halloween II - My Thoughts

My stepfather says that my blog is lacking in the area of film, and that he most certainly is entitled to a press pass for advanced screenings more so than I because of the amount of cinema information he has on his blog. That being said, although I wrote this a few weeks back, here is a review of the film and a rebuttal to someone's response pulled from the Halloween II imdb.com message boards. I hope this beefs up the movie section of my blog just a little.

Please feel free to look me up at imdb.com if you'd like to see the post in its originality and the responses of others to my thoughts - my ID on the site is Fuzznubb. Note - Steer clear of my thoughts about the MGS movie!

(Notice my attempt to use big words and sound intelligent, except for when I spell Lauri's name "Lori", or when I use the word "confliction")


Review

"Rob Zombie succeeded with this film, case closed.

You may be asking "why"? I'll tell you.

He knew going into this project that he'd be getting a lot of flak. He made a movie (Halloween - 2007) that wasn't entirely based on original ideas, but ran with it. He gave us a new perspective to Michael Myers with which we could understand more so why he acted the way he did when he got older. He even gave us a film that technically shouldn't have spawned a sequel. This is where the flak comes in.

Not whatsoever did Rob Zombie ever pull the wool over our eyes. He knew that a sequel was illogical, yet he did it, and he did it well. Aside from the beginning where we got the Hospital sequence, H2 is entirely made up of something out of Michael Myers' element. It wasn't about just wearing a mask and having moments where we're startled by Myers appearing somewhere unexpected. He went above and beyond what was expected from Michael Myers. We expected a killer, what we got was emotion.

I know, I know. What do I mean by "emotion"? I'll tell you.

Myers was scorned. The man was hurt. All his life he was the victim. Hell, even when he was victimizing others he was the victim. Granted, being a victim doesn't always give exception to murder, but still... All he wanted was his family back, and he got a gunshot to the head instead. Yes, I'll admit that he went about getting his sister back in all the wrong ways, but you have to keep in mind that he's dealing with the mindset of a ten year old. I'm also sure he had some prepubescent angst built up as well.

Zombie gave us a massive look at the "Myers that cares". He showed us just how far someone would go to be a family man. He gave us insight to the man behind the Shatner mask. Just because he wields a butcher's knife and dresses in a jumpsuit doesn't mean he can't love and feel compassion..... Or anger for betrayal. Wouldn't you want to run someone through for taking you away from your family?

Further, Zombie gave us a dark vision than what was ever expected. The tone, the setting, the brutality, it was all enveloped in a grim veil. The deaths, although raw, were real (as real as Hollywood can get without actual death). Myers had a linear thought process and he used his one-dimensional thinking to turn all of his victims into bloody, sinewy pulps. Screw hanging people in front of a staircase with a pumpkin on their head, he just unleashed himself in a flurry of violent confliction.

As for the "White Horse", although it was cheesy at moments, it did help advance the plot in a more analytical way. To me, it made you ponder the intentions of both Myers and Lori at times. It offered a thought process along the lines of "Is Lori just acting like that or is something more dubious about to happen?" It at least gives me an interesting outlook about things.

Concluding, I can see why people disliked this for what it was, but I think everyone should at least give it another chance from a different perspective, especially when the unrated version comes out. Anyways, that's my two cents about this film. Hope you enjoyed it."

Rebuttal


"I was reading my post and the responses of others, and I feel like I should reiterate a few things or offer a better explanation.

First and foremost, I didn't mean that Myers was in any way a victim we should feel bad for. I meant he was just put into the position where he was the victim starting out. Hell, look how he was raised. His "stepfather" was a complete douche to him, his mother was a stripper (praise be to Sheri Moon Zombie!) for whom he got crap for from the kids at school, and no one really treated him like an individual. He was scorned at life and that's when he decided to take matters (and a knife) into his own hands. At this point, it was no longer about making the pricks pay or being the victim, it was about a blood bath. My sympathies ended for him there.

Secondly, I do have to correct myself. There was a point in which Myers did string someone up and I appreciate the person who pointed that out. However, the hanging in this film was more to the point than the last one. He stomped the dude's face in and didn't want to leave the evidence behind in the alley. Although he's still screwed up in the head, I'm fairly certain he used what thinking power he had in order to create a diversionary tactic (much like he did in the first one at times) inside the strip club. The only thing he left lacking here was indeed the pumpkin head. To me, that shows that although he was killing everyone in the first movie, he may have still had some sort of demented sense of humor, unlike in this movie where he was just straight to the point with everything. More so, if you pay attention to the first film, there'll actually be a moment where he stops and just looks at the pumpkin, maybe appreciating what he did or laughing on the inside. That's just my hypothesis though.

Lastly, I thought this film was a very needed breath of fresh air, but they did label it incorrectly. I don't really think this version of Halloween could be considered a horror film. If you look at all the elements it has more to do with being a psychological thriller than anything else. Yes, it has the intense sequences of violence and gore, but I'd say it belongs in the category more so of Silence of the Lambs or something like that. I would like to point out though, that the only reason I enjoyed the film was because it wasn't what everyone expected. To me, everyone expected a slasher film. What everyone got was a film where you had to think outside of the box, and that's what I look for today. Too many films fail to explore outside of a linear thought process, and I think this film got past that. The only major concern I can see is that everyone just wanted the "expected" version or no version at all. The only thing I can say to that is as long as there's a Hollywood, there'll always be films we hate or enjoy. Well, that's just my two-cents anyways."

Wow, I use the term "linear thought process" and "that's just my two cents" too much. I should be slapped.

And now for something different.....

Check out this awesome clip from an Arizona locale that was privy to an interesting movie premiere. Hopefully some of you will be able to find a few familiar faces in the mix. Enjoy.

Strawberry Fields Forever... Or until tomorrow

Writer's block, the bane of my existence.

Well, that's not entirely true. I have many things that are the "bane of my existence". Rap music, ignorance, Uwe Boll, infidelity, paranoia, ex lovers and former girlfriends (Blondie Bear especially), the economy, typos, paper cuts, my dog (whose name is Bane, ironic huh?), etc.

The point is though, that I have writer's block. I was making tons of headway with my script and an event two days ago triggered my writing to waiver. The event, which came in the form of an email, has caused me to lose all capabilities to construct proper dialogue. With this epidemic I can no longer build the story that takes place within Act 3 of "Kill You Dead". Insert seething anger here.

So I can't write, great. What is a writer to do when he can't write? That's like asking what would Hitler do if he couldn't find a race of people to try and wipe off the map. The answer is simple, he'd FIND a race of people to wipe off the map, which means I need to FIND something to write about. Easy enough, right? Riiiiiight....?

My topic of choice is randomness. I choose randomness because it seems to be the only thing "the email" didn't affect. With that, let's begin with some Boston lyrics;


"Well I get so lonely when I am without you
But in my mind, deep in my mind,
I can't forget about you
Good times, and faces that remind me
I'm tryin' to forget your name and leave it all behind me
You're comin' back to find me."

This portion of "Foreplay/ Long Time" seemed apropos for the situation, hence why I picked it. Let's try some Slipknot now and see where that takes us;

"My life is undone
And I'm a sinner to most but a sage to some
And my Gods are untrue
I'm probably wrong but I'm better than you

And the longest hours I've had in my life
Were the ones I went through to know I was right
So I'm safe but I'm a little outside
I'm gonna laugh when I'm buried alive"

Mmm, anger. Self-destructive, whiny anger. Let's see if we can get some humor in here now;

"You!
I wanna take you to a gay bar,
I wanna take you to a gay bar,
I wanna take you to a gay bar, gay bar, gay bar"

Ah, Electric Six, such a dreadful band. Everyone please blame English for ever introducing me to such a horrid, yet catchy song about homosexuality.

Moving from sound to "something visual that's not too abysmal" (a high five to whoever gets the reference), check out this awesome clip from the Tropic Thunder guys!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1czvD3aVk8Y

Alas, poor Jack Black, I knew him well. (The clip would've been posted here, but I couldn't embed it).

And check out this awesome, Oscar-award winning performance!



What was that? An encore you say? Coming right up!



Did you feel the passion?! He DID NOT hit her, he did NAUGHT!



The only thing missing from this scene was "Whose Responsible This?", google it and you'll understand (just don't read the Pokemon porn story that created the saying).

What else......?

Oh, it seems as if both of my best friends and I are on the outs right now. One seems to be angry that our phone schedules conflict now more than ever, while the other thinks my ex and I are going to get back together. The latter friend also thinks it's okay to say I stole money from him because he refused to do the math to figure out his total due back (say that ten times fast).

Anywho, I should go and try to work on the script. My mind has finally slowed down a little and I think I may be able to piece together some dialogue. Cheers to you all for reading!

At The Opera Tonight

I'm always in the right place at the right time.

Yesterday I was meeting with the director of my upcoming play, Kill You Dead (It's posted on here, read it, read it now!). He works at a school and sometimes school functions occur in his room. More to the point, I was told that the Arizona Opera would be showing up to perform, so I should make myself useful (As is the usual drill for me anyways when events occur in this room).

With that, me and my bumbling sidekick Frank began setting up the room for the show and assisting the opera singers with whatever they needed. We moved tables, retrieved chairs, and so on. We thought that this was going to be the extent of our assistance, which usually it is. However, it's five minutes to curtain and suddenly we're asked to go on stage to assist with one last thing, so we hop to it.

La Boheme, which is what the musical Rent is loosely based on, is the show being performed at the school. Being that Frank and myself were backstage for most of the performance I can't tell you how much of La Boheme influenced the other piece. I did though, catch a few things that were obviously taken from this and used in Rent. Either way, Act 2 is where Frank and I are needed, so we wait patiently in the wings.

There's singing, there's humor, there's drama and then much to the audience's surprise, there's Frank and myself on stage!

We were needed to pantomime a conversation during a cafe scene, and then interact with one of the singers who would be flirting with us. So we sat there, did our conversation, enjoyed the laughs from the audience that we received and then we were approached by the singer. She leaned on Frank, ran her fingers across my shoulders, and all of the sort of physical things a chick would do to flirt. We, on the other hand, weren't allowed to speak (Because there's no speaking, it's a damn opera!), so we had to use our amazing acting abilities to interact within this scene without disturbing the original piece.

With that, we made faces. Frank would blush, I would slyly giggle. She'd touch him and I'd get jealous. She'd touch me and he'd pout, and so on. This went on for a little bit and then she moved on to one of her cast mates. Usually, you'd see your non-vocal actors drop off right here. NOPE! We sat there and continued our job. She'd touch the other guy and we'd get angry. She would giggle at his touch and we'd glare intently. This went on for about five minutes and then the scene ended, our participation in the opera was over.

After the show many of the opera representatives, students and staff members at the school congratulated Frank and myself for a job well done. However, almost of these people even went so far as to say we stole the scene from the singers. Here's the funny thing, it was a revelation to only the opera singers and representatives that Frank and I were actors. When my director volunteered us for what he thought was moving scenery (He wasn't aware that they wanted us to act), it never occurred to him to tell the people from the opera that we are theatre geeks by trade. Needless to say, they were very impressed with our abilities and they all gave us high praise.

In short, I have now been in a musical. My aspirations for life are complete. Excuse me while I go and stick my head in an oven! Good day!

Kill You Dead - Acts 1 & 2 (Incomplete)

This is the working draft of Acts 1-2 of my script "Kill You Dead". Some things are subject to change or be completely divorced from the final draft. Act 3 is underway and will hopefully be up by the end of the week. Please keep in mind that this is a script, and although I'm leaving out the cast list and character relationship chart, relationships will be established with minimal trouble. Further, being that this is a script you will see certain things in parentheses that give away certain plot devices, but don't let that affect the overall outcome of what you think. FYI- some of the formatting may be corrupted due to the transfer from Word.

Kill You Dead

Written by: Michael T. Flanders

Original idea an in collaboration with: Mitchel Solomon

Act 1 – Introductions

Setting: Wadsworth enters Grimm Manor through the front door, walking into what appears to be a lavish, yet large, grand hall. He immediately places his hat and long coat upon the coat rack located next to the front door. He takes a quick look around the house and decides to dust a bit before the guests begin to arrive. After attending to a few pieces of furniture the doorbell is sounded. Wadsworth approaches the door from the other end of the hall while muttering to himself.

Wadsworth: (Muttering to himself) That must be the help for the evening. I pray that they’re more competent than the (Hesitates for a second and finishes the line in a mischievous tone) last servants…. (Opens the door and addresses the people standing outside) Hello there, please come inside. My name is Wadsworth, and you are?

Jean: I am Jean-Claude Chuck Seagal, this is Angelina Johansson and Heath Nicholson. We’re with “Disposable Cleaners Incorporated”. We were requested to come out this evening and (Emphasizes “act”) act as substitute servants for a (Says in a slightly inquisitive tone while looking down at what appears to be an order form) Mr. Bobo Grimm, I believe.

Wadsworth: (Moving them to the center of the hall) Of course, of course. Let me take your coats and I’ll go over everything with you. (Begins to take their coats and hang them up on the coat rack) I trust you found the estate with minimal trouble?

Heath: Well, it was the only castle-type place atop the only evil looking and foreboding mountain peak in the state, so I’d say we found it pretty easily.

Angelina: Not to mention it helped with Mapquest that the mountain was actually called “Foreboding Peak”.

Wadsworth: (Walking back to join the three in the center of the hall) Wonderful, terrific. Most people get lost and are never heard from again when they try to come here. I’m glad to find you obviously above the rest of the chaff. May I ask what details you were given about tonight’s events?

Jean: Nothing really, aside from we were contracted by someone who goes by the name of “Mr. E” for a gathering of some-type that Mr. Grimm would be hosting.

Wadsworth: (Becomes mildly confused) Interesting...

Angelina: What’s “interesting”?

Wadsworth: The information you were given. Although you have most of the right idea, there are a couple of things that are a little misconstrued.

Heath: Misconstrued? What do you mean?

Wadsworth: You see, Mr. Grimm will not be hosting this little “gathering”, as you so put it.

Heath: No, no. What does “misconstrued” mean?

Wadsworth: (Hesitates for a second before raising a hand to his forehead in an attempt to rub off the stupidity just displayed) Wonderful, people who are thick.

Angelina: How dare you?! I’ve got a very slimming body! (Strikes a pose to reveal her slim figure)

Wadsworth: (Says in a snide tone) My point exactly. (Goes back to talking about the meaning of “misconstrued”) The facts you were given aren’t quite accurate, that’s what I meant by “misconstrued”.

Heath: (Pulls out a pad and pencil) Could you spell that for me? I’m building a word of the day dictionary and I think that word would be perfect for it!

Wadsworth: Certainly. M,O,R,O,N, “misconstrued”.

Heath: (Looks at what he wrote down) Hmm, I don’t think that’s right. Are you sure that’s how it’s spelled?

Wadsworth: Of course, but it may look a little odd because I gave you the French spelling of it.

Heath: (Becomes excited) Oh, cool. Thanks! (Puts his note pad away)

Jean: (Catches on to what Wadsworth did and tries to take the conversation back to where it was) Moving on, could you please clear up some of the information we got wrong?

Wadsworth: Well, as I said prior to our little spelling-bee, Mr. Grimm will not be hosting this “gathering”.

Jean: Why not?

Wadsworth: (Says quickly and without emotion) Because he’s dead.

Heath: (Says his line to Angelina in a bit of a hushed tone) Great, we’re working for another stiff, isn’t that why we quit our last job?

Angelina: (Stomps on Heath’s foot and talks quietly) Shut up, you don’t want him to hear you!

Jean: Excuse me? Did you say he’s dead? How will we be getting paid?

Wadsworth: Not to worry, Mr. Seagal. Everything has been taken care of by tonight’s real host. (Says in a mischievous tone) Everyone will get paid one way or another before the night is out.

Jean: I hope so. It’ll be over my dead body that we work for free!

Wadsworth: Indeed. Let’s of course hope it doesn’t come to that. Moving on, may I ask what everyone’s specialty is?

Angelina: What do you mean by “specialty”?

Wadsworth: I’m sorry, I forgot I was dealing with simpletons. What I meant to ask was what duties do each of you perform for your service?

Heath: Well, Jean is our master chef, Angelina is our maid, and I am a bit of a jack-of- all-trades, but I primarily do the serving duties. However, I can double up and assist with the tasks of the butler.

Wadsworth: Splendid. Were you given any other information about tonight’s proceedings?

Jean, Angelina and Heath: (In unison) None whatsoever.

Wadsworth: Well, now would be the ideal time to go over them then. As I previously stated, Mr. Grimm is no longer with us. The events that have lead to his untimely death are still shrouded in mystery and remain unsolved. The police thought they had found a person that could’ve been his potential killer, but it turned out to just be a homeless magician with a speech impediment. (Tries to continue, but is stopped by Angelina)

Angelina: Wait, Bobo was killed?

Wadsworth: First off, please refer to him as Mr. Grimm. Bobo sounds like what the circus called your mom for looking like an ape. Secondly, yes, foul play is suspected in the death of Mr. Grimm. It’s not everyday that someone wakes up with their head separated from their body.

Heath: (Says with surprise) His head was chopped off?!

Wadsworth: Allegedly. The cops are trying to say there’s a possibility that it just fell off, but no one really knows for sure. That’s why it’s still under investigation.

Heath: His head was really chopped off?!

Wadsworth: For the sake of the investigation, I must ask that you refer to him as just having his head relocated from his body for now. But yes, his head was removed, with some force I might add. It was a terrible sight to walk into his room and see.

Jean: That reminds me, what exactly is your connection to this place or to Mr. Grimm?

Wadsworth: I was Mr. Grimm’s butler. I’ve tended to his estate for years and will remain to do so until a new heir is named for the property. That’s actually one of the events that will take place tonight. Mr. Grimm’s will shall be read to what little family he has.

Angelina: Wait, let’s back the train up a little bit. Mr. Grimm was found dead in his room, his room that is in THIS house?

Wadsworth: Of course. It’s not like I found him dead at any of his estates in Tokyo or Hawaii. If that were the case we’d be holding the meeting tonight at one of those manors instead.

Angelina: Ok, this just sent my spidey-sense off the chart. I think it’s time to go. (Heads for the door)

Heath: (Stops Angelina) Hang on! (Looks over at Wadsworth and Jean) Could you give me a minute to talk to Angelina? I think her nerves will calm down if she’s relaxed.

Wadsworth: Certainly. This will give me an opportunity to show your colleague around. (Talks to Jean) Shall we go to the kitchen so I can over what will be served this evening?

Jean: Sure. (Begins to boast about his cooking) You know, I used to be on television for my cooking abilities. I was on “Emeril Live”, “BAM!” (Says rather quickly and with a little shame) That was until I singed someone’s eyebrows off… (Quickly picks his attitude up again) But I’ve been told I know how to cook a mean filet mignon!

Wadsworth: Actually, you’ll be preparing Indonesian Sweet Bread, with a side of Felinas de los Ojas.

Jean: (In a curious tone) Hmm, those dishes sound interesting. What are they?

Wadsworth: The rough translations would be monkey brains and cat eyes.

Jean: (Looks at Wadsworth in a weird way and then begins to think he’s just joking) Ah, you got me. You got me. You almost had me going with that one. “Monkey brains and cat eyes”, who’d eat that?

Wadsworth: (Looks at Jean seriously) These were some of Mr. Grimm’s favorite dishes. He got the recipes from an African shaman.

Jean: (Looks at Wadsworth with mild bewilderment while fighting back nausea) Sounds yummy.

Wadsworth: (Signals towards the kitchen) Shall we? (They both walk off, but not before Jean gives Heath and Angelina an odd look)

Heath: What’s the matter?

Angelina: “What’s the matter?” Some old kook dies in this very house by getting his head chopped off and you want to ask me “what’s the matter”?

Heath: It’s an on-going investigation, we’re supposed to say that his head was just removed until further notice.

Angelina: Cut the sarcasm, Heath. I don’t care what happened. All I know is there was a dead guy in this house and I want to leave. Mikey didn’t say anything about there being a dead guy in this house before we took the job.

Heath: That’s because Mikey’s an idiot. Either way, it’s not like the guy’s body is here now. Let’s just do our job and get out of here. Mikey is paying us to come and scare some people so he could get a larger inheritance. If we don’t do this, Mikey is going to come and rip us all new… (Gets cut off by Angelina)

Angelina: I get the point. Screwing around with Mikey is bad. Acting like servants who fake their own deaths is good. I just wish he would’ve given us more information before we took the job.

Heath: Spit in one hand and wish in the other, see which one fills up faster. We already knew the guy was dead, it’s not like it matters if it happened here or not. (Places his hands in a comforting way on Angelina’s shoulders) All we have to do is get through tonight and we’ll be set for life. Mikey promised us a big bonus if he gets the larger inheritance. We just go out there, act like we’re trained to do and then sail off to the Caribbean in the morning. It’s that simple, babe.

Angelina: Yeah, I guess you’re right.

Heath: (Pulls her to himself and gives her a hug) Of course I’m right! Anyways, (They break the hug) have you figured out how you’re going to fake your death yet?

Angelina: Not quite. My original idea was to just act like I fell out of a window, but I don’t know if I’m going to do that now, the windows looked really high when we pulled up. What about you?

Heath: I have an idea or two. I’m thinking I may use some of this (Holds up a bottle) to slow down my pulse and just fall over, that way people will think that I’m dead and maybe the food or drinks are poisoned.

Angelina: Sounds relatively simple.

Heath: It’s simple, yet effective.

Angelina: That’s true. What do you think Jean will do?

Heath: Who knows? That man is a wild card.

Jean: (Walking back into the room with Wadsworth while speaking to him) Huh, I never thought glazed cow hooves would make an excellent desert entrée, but you proved me wrong, sir!

Wadsworth: Your sarcasm is both dully noted and unnecessary. (To Heath and Angelina) I trust your issue has been resolved?

Heath: Of course.

Wadsworth: Splendid. Now I can go over with you what your associate and I were discussing in the kitchen. As stated before, Mr. Grimm is no longer in the land of the living. The circumstances of his (Says in a dark tone) sudden demise have left various people baffled, muddled and dismayed.

Heath: Baffled?

Angelina: Muddled?

Jean: Dismayed?

Jean, Angelina and Heath: (Playing the line out to the audience) Oh my!

(The phone rings suddenly)

Wadsworth: (To Jean, Heath and Angelina) Excuse me. (Answers the phone, hesitates a few seconds between each line) Good evening, Grimm residence. No, that’s the name of the residence. This is Wadsworth speaking. Well, where are you now? I’m glad you’re standing beside your car, but I meant what street are you on right now? I’m very glad the street your standing on is black, but I meant the name of the street. You’re in a dead lock on Central and Cyanide? That’s the completely opposite direction. Did you take a left at Foreboding Boulevard? Didn’t see it? Well, it is a bad sign. No, that was supposed to be a right at Gunshot Avenue. No, you’re way off target, you’ll need to keep it in your sights. Keep going straight on that road until you have to make a sharp turn onto Dagger Street. If you reach Sunshine Lane you’ve gone too far. Be careful coming up the loop to Gallows Road, you’ll be hung up in traffic for hours. No, you’re very welcome, sir. We’ll surely see you momentarily.

(The doorbell suddenly rings and Wadsworth answers the door)

Wadsworth: Good evening sir, I’m Wadsworth. Welcome to Grimm Manor.

(Enter Thumb)

Thumb: Thank god, finding this place was murder!

Angelina, Heath and Jean: (To the audience) MURDER?!

Wadsworth: (Looks at the servants) Don’t you have duties to tend to before the rest of the guests arrive?

Angelina: Actually, you really haven’t instructed us on what… (Gets cut off by Heath)

Heath: We’ll get started right away Wadsworth!

(The three servants speak quietly for a second and Heath hands Angelina a dust wand. He then walks off up stairs, while Jean heads off into the kitchen. Angelina begins dusting in the background)

Thumb: (Referring to the servants) Interesting ensemble you have there. By the way, my name is… (Gets cut off by Wadsworth)

Wadsworth: Professor Thumb, I know. May I take your coat?

Thumb: Certainly. (He takes off his coat and hands it to Wadsworth, who in turn hangs it on a nearby coat rack) How did you know my name?

Wadsworth: I know all about you, Professor Thumb. You were a master engineer for Grimm Industries, and a liaison between the educational systems of fourteen countries worldwide, including Antarctica, Cambodia, Canada, even Tierra Del Fuego, for the Grimm Foundation. You were also the regional manager for the world-renown manufacturing division of Grimm Industries, known as Peril Manufacturing.

Thumb: And if you would’ve completed your stalkerish homework, my good man, you would’ve also stated that I am now retired. I have been for years.

Wadsworth: Very good, sir.

Thumb: Aside from telling me information I already know, perhaps you could inform me as to why I’ve been invited here?

Wadsworth: Well, that depends sir. I do assume you have an invitation?

Thumb: (Gets sarcastic) No, I just like driving up break-neck mountains to creepy mansions for the thrill of it.

Wadsworth: I can only imagine that you do, but “Break-Neck Mountain” is on the other end of “Rigor-Mortis Gorge”, this is “Foreboding Peak”.

Thumb: (Gets agitated) Thanks for the correction, Wadsworth. Just look at this and tell me why I’m here. (He pulls out his invitation and hands it to Wadsworth)

Wadsworth: This is your invitation, correct? (Referring to the piece of paper)

Thumb: (Says in a sarcastic tone) Well, let’s see, I did just pull this out of my pocket AND it does say at the top of it that it’s an invitation. But no, I don’t think that’s it!

Wadsworth: Your sarcasm is unnecessary, sir.

Thumb: If you say so, Alfred. Just tell me what this says. (Shoves the invitation into Wadsworth’s face)

Wadsworth: First off, it’s Wadsworth, not Alfred. Secondly, (Briskly snatches the invitation from Thumb) it looks like it reads as follows: “To whom it may concern, A means to end a ‘financial inconvenience’ can be found at Grimm Manor on the evening of the reading of the last will and testament of Bogart Bond Grimm. The reading will be held Saturday, October 31st, with guests arriving at 7pm. Signed Mr. E”.

Thumb: Okay, but what does it mean?

Wadsworth: (Looks down at the letter) I believe it means that a financial “inconvenience” will be ended this evening upon the reading of the last will and testament of the late Bogart Bond Grimm.

Thumb: You just paraphrased what the letter said! Are you mocking me?!

Wadsworth: Ours is not to mock, sir, it is merely to serve. However, I am more than qualified to mock you if that is what you wish.

Thumb: I’m glad to hear it, I wouldn’t want to be mocked by someone who isn’t quali….. (Realizes what he’s saying) Hey, wait a minute!

Wadsworth: Waiting a minute, sir.

Thumb: You’re really starting to act like a smart…. (Gets cut off by the doorbell ringing)

Wadsworth: Ah, that must be another guest. Please if you will, follow me to the study so we can properly greet the other incoming guests. (Indicates to Angelina) Could you please see who’s at the door so I can escort Professor Dumb… (Thumb cuts him off)

Thumb: That’s Thumb!

Wadsworth: Yes, of course, that’s what I said. (To Angelina) Please answer the door while I escort Mr. Thumb to the study. (Wadsworth forcefully escorts Thumb offstage)

Angelina: (Opens the door, she tries to mock Wadsworth’s speech pattern) Good evening, and welcome to Grimm Manor, ma’am. Please come inside and make yourself comfortable. (She steps out of the way to let the next guest in)

(Enter Vanessa)

Vanessa: Thank you very much. I’m Vanessa Rappir…. (Gets cut off by Angelina)

Angelina: You’re a rapper?

Vanessa: No, my last name is Rappir. It’s a short “I” sound, not a short “E” sound.

Angelina: (Acts mildly humbled, but begins to jumble various “butler” phrases together) Oh, my mistake, very good, dully noted, chip chip cheerio and all that nonsense, is it tea time?

Vanessa: Are you having some sort of seizure? Do you need to bite down on my coin purse? (Looks down at her coin purse as she pulls it out) Oh wait, not this one, it’s a Gucci. (Puts away the original purse and pulls out a raggedy looking sack of cloth) This one should do.

Angelina: (Begins to act normal again) No, I’m sorry. I’ve only been here a short time and things have all been blurred together. I guess I just lost my head for a second and forgot what to do.

Vanessa: You could always start by asking to take my coat….

Angelina: (Slaps her forehead as if she spaced out on her duties) Of course, I apologize profusely. May I take your coat?

Vanessa: Actually, no. If you would’ve noticed, (Chuckles lightly to herself) I’m not even wearing one.

Angelina: (Laughs to herself mildly) I apologize once again. I guess my head just isn’t in the right place tonight. It’s been a rather stressful evening actually.

Vanessa: I’ll make a chant to Loch-Loch Ding-Dong and see if I can have you basked in a curtain of serenity for the rest of the evening.

Angelina: (Becomes massively confused) Umm, you’ll do what to who?

Vanessa: I shall channel the spirit of Loch-Loch Ding-Dong and see if he can cover you in a serenity veil, what’s so hard to understand about that?

Angelina: (Chuckles lightly to herself) What are you, some sort of gypsy?

Vanessa: Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

Angelina: (Chuckles again) Thanks, I really needed that. I appreciate your sense of humor.

Vanessa: Did you happen to even take at look at how I was dressed? (Moves her arms up and down to show her attire)

Angelina: (Looks Vanessa up and down a few times, becoming very sheepish. They stare at each other in silence for a few seconds before Angelina speaks) So…. Why exactly are you here?

Vanessa: For starters, to pay respects to Bobo. He and I had quite a past a long time ago. I was his personal medium/ghost-whispering/bohemian/nomad/dilettante/gypsy for many years, offering him séances, palm readings, and various things like that. He even praised me as saying I was one of the major reasons as to his large amount of fame and fortune. That was, of course, until the incident….

Angelina: “Incident”?

Vanessa: (Becomes solemn for a moment, almost as if she’s remembering moments with Bobo) That’s a story for another time, my child. (Shakes off her thought) I was summoned here by a “Mr. E”. I received a letter saying that I should show up tonight to pay my respects to Bobo, and I would obtain one million dollars if I spent the night at his estate. I have to admit that being a gypsy is very difficult in this day and age, with the recession and all. A million bucks wouldn’t be a bad way to plan for early retirement, you know what I mean?

Angelina: (Mutters to herself) All too well….

Vanessa: What was that?

Angelina: Nothing, it was nothing. Would you like me to show you to the study? That’s where everyone is meeting.

Vanessa: (Indicates with her hand) Lead the way.

Angelina: (Switches back to trying to sound like Wadsworth, while walking towards the hallway that leads to the study) If you would be so kind as to follow me….

Vanessa: Drop the butler routine, it really isn’t flattering. I’m expecting you to have a brain aneurysm any minute now. (They both disappear down the hallway)

(Jean sneaks out of the kitchen and calls to Heath upstairs)

Jean: Heath, Heath, are you still up there?

Heath: (While coming from upstairs) Dude, you have the worst sneaky voice
ever. I’m surprised the neighbors didn’t come and yell at you for being too loud!

Jean: What neighbors? We’re in the middle of nowhere!

Heath: It was a figure of speech. What do you want?

Jean: Have you given any thought to my proposal yet?

Heath: I have, (Says in a comical way) and although I’m flattered, you’re just not my type.

Jean: Very funny, short bus. You know what I’m talking about.

Heath: (Gets serious) I know, I know. I just don’t think I can leave her behind, man. I really do love her, and I was even thinking about proposing to her after this last score.

Jean: Come on Heath, stop talking like that. What happened to when it used to be all about the money? Love was never an issue then.

Heath: That’s because Angelina wasn’t in the picture. Don’t get me wrong, a bigger payload is very tempting, but I just want to live a normal life after tonight, and I want that normal life to include Angelina.

Jean: Stop it! You’re seriously going to make me hurl into that umbrella rack over there (Indicates towards a rack near the door). Think realistically here, you both work in the realm of scams and always telling lies. How do you know she even really cares for you?

Heath: First off, don’t make it seem like we do scams all the time. We’re actors by trade, this situation just came along at a time when we needed the money. Secondly, you’re not with her all the time, she’s different when no one else is around.

Jean: Get off of “Cloud 9”! We are talking about an extra twenty-five thousand each if she’s out of the picture, plus a juicy bonus!

Heath: I don’t care if it’s an extra thirty thousand with the juicy bonus, I don’t want to leave her behind. (Remains silent for a few seconds and then sniffs the air) Is something burning?

Jean: Not that I’m aware of… (Catches the same scent that Heath has) Oh no, the Indonesian Sweet Bread, I left it in the oven! (Runs back towards the kitchen, but hesitates for a moment) You need to figure out if your so-called “love” is really worth risking a huge paycheck. If properly spent, the money can last you years, but who knows if she’ll be around that long. (Enters the kitchen)

Heath: (To no one in particular) What a di…. (Gets cut off by the doorbell) Wadsworth, someone is at the door! (He waits momentarily) Wadsworth, door! (Waits again) Fine, I’ll get it. (Opens the front door) Hi there, welcome to the House of Grimm. (Steps to the side and indicates towards the center of the room) Please, come inside.

Mysterious Guest: (In a muffled voice) Hello, my young fellow. Is this the House of Grimm?

Heath: (Looks mildly irritated at the guest) Well, I believe I just said it was, so I would assume so. Can I take your coat?

Mysterious Guest: No, no, I’m fine. This ol’ bod of mine gets chilly really fast, so I’d like to hang on to it.

Heath: If you’d like, sir. May I ask what it is that you’re doing here, or if you even have an invitation?

Mysterious Guest: You think I don’t have an invitation to my own friend’s wake? How dare you!

Heath: No, it’s not that. I was just making sure that you have the invitation with you.

Mysterious Guest: Are you calling me a liar, you young whipper-snapper, you?!

Heath: No, of course not, sir. I’m just merely trying to do my job. If you could please just respect that and cooperate I think things would move a lot smoother.

Mysterious Guest: Now you’re saying I don’t respect you? Boy, let me tell you something, back in my day you’d get smacked upside the head for talk like that!
(Wadsworth enters from the top of the stairs)

Wadsworth: What is all the shouting about?

Heath: I was just asking this gentleman for an invitation, but he took offense to everything I said.

Mysterious Guest: Now I’m taking offense to everything you said? Is this how you treat all of your guests?!

Wadsworth: Heath, get back upstairs and finish your duties!

Heath: But…. (Wadsworth cuts him off)

Wadsworth: (In a menacing tone) You have offended one of Mr. Grimm’s most esteemed friends, get back to your duties. I shall deal with you later.

Heath: Yes, sir. (Heath sulks back up the stairs)

Wadsworth: (To the guest) If you would be so kind as to follow me, I will show you where all of Mr. Grimm’s associates are gathering.

Mysterious Guest: Thank you, my good man. I appreciate your generosity and concern…. Unlike the hospitality your colleague showed me.

Wadsworth: Don’t worry, sir. His punishment will be swift and severe, rest assured. (Calling out) Angelina, please return to your post by the front door. I’d hate to have your co-worker verbally assault another guest.
(Angelina enters from the hallway)

Angelina: Sorry Wadsworth, Ms. Rappir and I were engaged in a conversation about whether or not the movie “Thinner” was an accurate portrayal of gypsy magic compared to the analytical view that was expressed in “King of the Gypsies”.

Wadsworth: Charming. Please remain in the grand hall until I return, and greet the guests accordingly.

Angelina: Sure thing.

Wadsworth: Terrific. (To the Mysterious Guest) This way please.
(Wadsworth leads the guest down the hallway to the study)

Angelina: (Walks over to the kitchen door) Jean, are you around?
(Jean walks in from the kitchen, not realizing at first that it’s Angelina that called him and not Heath)

Jean: It’s okay, most of the Sweet Bread was saved. We’ll just say that the scorch marks are from an old Cajun recipe I picked up in New Orleans. (Realizes it’s Angelina he’s speaking to) Oh, it’s you. Is anyone else around?

Angelina: Not that I can tell. Heath is upstairs and Wadsworth is in the study with the guests.

Jean: Good. Have you considered my offer?

Angelina: I have, but I don’t know if it’s what I want to do. I really have feelings for Heath, and I don’t want to just abandon him like that.

Jean: Angelina, (He places his hands on her shoulders) baby, we talked about this. With Heath out of the picture not only will we be able to finally have the relationship we want, we’ll be able to get a larger paycheck than we ever expected.

Angelina: I know, but I’m not worried about the money. I’m starting to feel really bad about cheating on Heath. (Takes on a sad, but serious tone) He doesn’t deserve.

Jean: (Getting angry) Screw Heath! We wouldn’t be in this mess if he would’ve just gone after that stupid, golden idol, rather than letting that pesky treasure-hunting college professor get it! It’s his fault we’re in this financial jam!

Angelina: Jean, I know. He’s only human though, we all make mistakes. I think I should just come clean with him and see if we can still salvage what’s left of our relationship. I think I love him…. (Looks blankly into the distance)

Jean: Stop talking like that Angie! You used to be all about the money. What happened to you? Has Heath wrapped you around his finger so much that you’re willing to throw away a big payload for something you’re confusing as “love”?

Angelina: (She becomes defensive) Heath does not have me wrapped around his finger! And I’m not confusing anything! I do love Heath! You’re just jealous because Heath and I have a real shot together!

Jean: (Becomes snide) What have I got to be jealous about? You and Heath may have something real, maybe not. That doesn’t change the fact you still come to me for the things Heath can’t give you. (Moves closer to Angelina) Look, babe, I’m just trying to do what’s best for everyone. If Heath ever found out about you and I, it would only destroy him. Do you really think leading him on while secretly being with me would make for a good carried out situation?
Angelina: (Becomes depressed, yet agreeable) No, I guess not. It’s just that I’ve never met anyone like Heath before. I was hoping he’d be my ticket to a real life…

Jean: News flash hunny, you tore up that ticket the night you got together with me. (Comes up behind her to wrap his arms around her, but gives a quick smile that means he may have another agenda)

Angelina: (While Jean is holding her) Do you hear a popping sound?

Jean: (Looks around mildly confused) What are you talking about….? (Realizes what the popping sound is and rushes immediately into the kitchen) My cat eyes!

Angelina: (To Jean as he runs off) Your what?!
(The doorbell rings and Angelina rushes to get it)

Angelina: (Opens the door and greets the next guest) Good evening and welcome to Grimm Manor. Please come inside and make yourself at home.
(Ms. Harlett enters the grand hall)

Harlett: Thank you. (Looks Angelina up and down) Wow, you must be the Widow Grimm. It looks like he did well for himself this time around. You’re wife number seven, right?

Angelina: Actually, my name is Angelina. I’m just a servant hired through an agency for tonight’s proceedings. And you are? (Extends her hand out to shake Harlett’s hand)

Harlett: (Looks briefly down at Angelina’s hand and then glances off into the distance, raising her nose slightly) Harlett, Ms. Harlett. I would tell you my real name, but I was informed to use a pseudonym for the duration of this evening.

Angelina: (Retracts her hand) Very good, madam. May I take your coat?

Harlett: (Pulling herself out of the coat while Angelina helps) Yes, but please do take care of it. The last servant to handle this coat incorrectly is still knee-deep in lava.

Angelina: (Takes the coat and hangs it on the rack near the door, but begins to laugh mildly) Haha, good one. I wasn’t aware that Bobo knew so many females with a sense of humor!

Harlett: (Stares Angelina down intently) There’s no joke here. The last person, and might I add the only person, to ever mishandle this coat is currently working in the Kamchatka Peninsula, where he digs for minerals in all of the still-active volcanoes. Mind you, this happened over twenty-five years ago, him mishandling this coat, this fur coat, this rare Russian chinchilla fur coat.

Angelina: (Gets rigid and a little scared) Thanks for the warning. I’ll keep in mind to take extra special care of your coat. Would you like me to get it dry cleaned for you, or Kevlar-lined perhaps?

Harlett: No, no, it’s fine just how it is. However, I would like to ask something of you.

Angelina: Of course Ms. Harlett, anything for one of Bobo’s dear friends.

Harlett: (Takes on a snide attitude) Bobo, what a horrid name to be bestowed upon him by his current, I mean former, wife. To the point though, I received an invitation to tonight’s event in the form of a letter. It stated that an end to a “financial inconvenience” would be found at Grimm Manor on the night of October 31st, which was to be the night his will was read. The letter was signed “Mr. E”. I was wondering if he’d happen to be here yet?

Angelina: I’m sorry, you were wondering if who was here?

Harlett: Mr. E, I was wondering if Mr. E was here! If you’re going to be of any assistance tonight I’d suggest keeping your wits about you, darling.

Angelina: Please forgive me Ms. Harlett, the night is young, but has already taken its toll. As far as I know only two male guests have arrived, one being Professor Thumb, and the other appearing to be some type of vagrant friend of Bobo’s, I mean Mr. Grimm. Would you happen to have the invitation with you so I could take a look at it? Maybe I could find a detail you missed, or something like that?

Harlett: Are you implying that I’m inept? I’ll have you know that I was Mr. Grimm’s most prized lab assistant during the Cold War! We helped design military specs that aided our troops in overcoming the Reds!

Angelina: You served with Mr. Grimm during the Cold War? But that was over forty years ago! You don’t look a day older than twenty-five!

Harlett: I’ll have to send a “thank you” card to my plastic surgeon on your behalf.

Angelina: So how old are you really, Ms. Harlett?

Harlett: (Scoffs at Angelina) A true lady never reveals her age.

Angelina: My mistake, I’ll have to make a note of that.

Harlett: Please do.
(Both women stand quietly in the hall for a few seconds)

Angelina: (Under her breath) Awkward.

Harlett: I beg your pardon?

Angelina: Nothing. Would you like me to show you to the study where everyone is gathering?

Harlett: Yes, if it’s not too taxing for you. I’m sure it would be livelier than standing here in the hall, twiddling our thumbs about.

Angelina: I couldn’t agree with you more, this way please. (Indicates towards the direction of the study)

(Everyone on stage freezes and Bobo Grimm walks out)

Bobo: Hi there everyone, my name is Bobo Grimm, deceased. I’m here to offer information and insight throughout certain points of the evening. Moreover, I’m here now to talk about the Kamchatka Peninsula, as is what Ms. Harlett mentioned earlier in her conversation to Angelina. First and foremost, the Kamchatka Peninsula is a one thousand, two hundred and fifty-kilometer wide strip of land located in the far east part of Russia. It lies in between the Pacific Ocean and the Sea of Okhotsk. A little known fact about the Kamchatka Peninsula is that in eighteen seventy-five it was ceded to Japan in return for Russian sovereignty over the land of Sakhalin. Although, Russia and Japan are still know to debate about its ownership to this day. Further, were you aware that the Kamchatka Peninsula was hardly affected by the events of World War Two, except for when it served as a launch site in nineteen forty-five for the invasion of the Kurils?

(Bobo takes a moment to look over the audience and then he departs. Angelina and Harlett return to walking towards the study, only to be encountered by Wadsworth)

Wadsworth: (Exclaims in an excited, yet terrified tone) MISS SCARLET!

Angelina: Wadsworth, I think you may be confused. This is Ms. Harlett.

Wadsworth: (Becomes calm once more) Oh, my mistake. Carry on. (He walks to the front door as the women walk off, looking at each other with mild confusion)

(The phone rings)

Wadsworth: (Walks to the phone and answers it, hesitates a few seconds between each line) Good evening, Grimm residence. Ah, Mr. McFly, it’s good to hear from you. No, Mr. Relihan has not arrived yet, but he is expected at any moment. Of course, we are all expecting her arrival as well. Ah, be careful taking that route Mr. McFly, I hear Chloroform Way is a little hazy right now. You’re very welcome sir, we all look forward to your arrival soon. Good-bye. (Hangs up the phone and goes back to standing by the front door)

(A female suddenly releases a loud scream from upstairs, followed by the sounds of a scuffle. Heath then lets out a yelp of pain and quickly runs downstairs, nursing what appears to be a bump on his brow. Wadsworth listens and watches the display, momentarily stunned)

Heath: (To Wadsworth, waving around a candlestick while he talks) Umm,
Wadsworth, we have a problem! How come you didn’t tell me that there was some candlestick-wielding chick upstairs that would beat me the moment I tried to enter the master bathroom?

Wadsworth: Have your own antics gotten the better of you, Mr. Heath? There is no one upstairs, let alone a “candlestick-wielding chick”, as you so said. Perhaps you should just admit that your clumsiness has bested you this round.

Heath: That’s crap Wadsworth. There’s a psychopath up there that tried to stick (Waves around the candlestick again) this candlestick through my skull! I demand some answers!

Wadsworth: Again, I suggest you just accept your clumsiness for what it is, but fine, I have a few moments to indulge you. Keep in mind though, that this is coming out of your payment later. Now, describe to me this female assailant of yours.

Heath: I really don’t have a lot to describe, other than she was dressed in all black.

Wadsworth: (Becomes questionably concerned) All black you say? By chance, did she happen to have a veil covering her face, a black veil?

Heath: Did I stutter when I said she was in all black?! Yes, she was wearing a black veil!

Wadsworth: (Under his breath) No, it can’t be.

Heath: Wadsworth, what is it?

Wadsworth: (Stares blankly into the distance, slightly adjusting his gaze to the ceiling, speaks under his breath) Bathory.

Heath: Who’s Bathory?

(R.D Herring-Grimm slowly walks to the top of the staircase)

R.D: (Says inquisitively) Wadsworth?

(Both Heath and Wadsworth look to the top of the staircase. Wadsworth pulls out a cross and holds it up to R.D)

Wadsworth: Get back, succubus! You won’t dine on our souls tonight!

R.D: Wadsworth, what has gotten into you? (Lifts up her veil to reveal her face)

Wadsworth: (Quickly realizes his mistake and discards the cross back in his coat’s pocket) Lady Grimm, I wasn’t aware that you were on the premises. Please forgive my ignorance and my associate’s intrusion into the main bathhouse.

R.D: It’s alright Wadsworth, and for the hundredth time, just call me R.D. I’m sure it will be less trouble for you. (Slowly descends the stairs)

Heath: Okay Wadsworth, two things; there’s a “Lady Grimm”, (Becomes mildly hysterical with his tone) and what was all that talk about a “succubus”?

R.D: Do forgive Wadsworth, he can get a little overboard when it comes to things of a supernatural nature.

Heath: “A supernatural nature”? What does that mean?!

Wadsworth: Come now Mr. Heath, surely you know that estates of grandeur such as this all have their “ghost stories”.

R.D: Please Wadsworth, you’ll scare the poor man away.

Wadsworth: As you wish, Lady Grimm.

R.D: (Approaches Heath) I’m sorry about the tussle upstairs. I had no (Emphasizes the word “clue”) clue that Wadsworth had anyone else roaming around here. (Extends her hand) I’m R.D Herring-Grimm, but you can simply call me R.D. And you are?

Heath: For starters, massively confused! But I guess you can just call me Heath. (Extends his hand to shake R.D’s) I wasn’t aware that Mr. Grimm has a wife… I mean, had a wife…. (Takes on an embarrassed look)

R.D: (Becomes solemn) Not a lot of people were. Bobo had become quite secretive within the past few years, and he didn’t want people to think of me as a gold-digger. You see, he rescued me from poverty. (Perks up slightly with the memory of first meeting Bobo) I met Bobo a long time ago (Hesitates momentarily, as if drinking in the moment) at “Obijabba’s The Blue Hutt”. I was a singing waitress there, just trying to make enough for ends-meat. Bobo came in and took me away from that awful place. We fell in love almost instantly and were married even faster….. (Begins to softly cry) Bobo was a great man.

Wadsworth: Come come, Lady Grimm. (Embraces R.D in a comforting hug) His legacy shall live on for years, but it was his time to rest. Don’t weep for his departure, rejoice for his ascension.

Heath: (Waits a moment and then interrupts) When you say “ascension”, do you mean to the attic or something? Is his ghost going to attack me?

Wadsworth: (Slowly pulls away from R.D, becoming angry) Well done Mr. Heath, you just assured yourself an extra fifteen percent retracted from your pay for the evening. Do try and keep your ridiculous questions to yourself.

R.D: (Wiping away the tears from her eyes) Oh Wadsworth, don’t do that. You’re the one who got him started with all the “supernatural” talk.
Wadsworth: (Sheds all negative emotion) Of course madam, as you wish.

R.D: (To Heath, trying to lighten the mood) Just don’t get him started on the banshee!

Heath: (Becomes afraid) Banshee?! What banshee?!?!

(The doorbell rings)

Heath: (Shrieks and then hides behind the coat rack) Go away foul beast!

(Wadsworth immediately opens the main door and lets Blake Relihan into the estate)

Blake: (Strikes an innocent pose, while being posh about it.) How did you know it was me?!

Wadsworth: (To no one in particular, but looking in the direction of Heath) May I present Mr. Blake Relihan, Mr. Grimm’s personal friend and (Emphasizes “lawyer”) lawyer.

Heath: (Leans against the coat rack now) Oh, please forgive me. I was caught up in the moment and thought you were someone else. (Suddenly falls into the coat rack and begins to wrestle with it inadvertently) Gah! Bloody machines and their mysterious ways! (Drops all of the coats on the ground)
(Angelina enters from the direction of the study)

Angelina: (Walking in to the grand hall, but doesn’t quite see what’s happened yet) I could’ve sworn I heard a little girl screaming. Is everything….. (Sees Heath wrestling with the coats and rack) HEATH! (Runs over to him) Why did you do that?! If Ms. Harlett finds out I’ll be stuck in a volcano for the rest of my life!

Heath: (Getting up from under the coats and rack) Thanks for your concern, I’m fine by the way!

Angelina: (Sorting through the coats until she finds Harlett’s. She picks it up, not noticing that something fell out of one of the pockets) Great, it’s all dirty now. (To Heath) Help me fix the rack before she sees! (She begins to dust off the coat)

Heath: (Sees what fell out of Harlett’s coat pocket and picks it up) Check this out, it’s a card from the Soviet Union. (Looks closer at the handbill) It looks like someone wrote “From Russia with Love” on it, I wonder why?

Blake: (Speaks in a Sean Connery-mocking voice) You must be joking, Q?! (Goes back to his regular voice) Hey Wadsworth, you didn’t tell me I’d be getting a show this evening.

Wadsworth: I assure you that it wasn’t on the agenda, sir. (Speaking directly to Heath and Angelina) Clean up this catastrophe and go to the kitchen to get some ice for that lump of yours. We don’t want the guests to think you’re supposed to be Igor or anything like that.

Heath and Angelina: (In unison) Yes Wadsworth.
(Heath and Angelina pick up the remaining coats on the floor and hang them up. They then disappear into the kitchen)

R.D: Sorry Blake. Heath, the servant with the lump, appears to be afraid of the supernatural. Wadsworth got him started by talking about the house.

Blake: (To Wadsworth) You didn’t tell him how Bobo discovered a way to resurrect the dead, did you?!

Wadsworth: First off, it was reanimation, not resurrection. There were still some modifications Mr. Grimm needed to make to the “Re-Life Elixir” before it would be considered full-blown resurrection. Secondly, no. He encountered Lady Grimm upstairs and I mistook his description as that of Bathory.

Blake: Oh, I see… (Looks over at R.D) You’re too good to be upstairs with me, but not a rent-to-own servant? (Chuckles mildly to himself)

R.D: No Blake, it wasn’t that type of situation. And I’ve told you before, you’re a very good friend, but I just don’t see you in that type of light.

Blake: (Moving closer to R.D) Don’t worry baby, you don’t have to see me in the lights, we can have them turned off. (Leans closer to R.D) Wink wink!

R.D: (Stepping away from Blake) You’re very charming Blake, but I must admit that I find this in a little ill-taste. You and Bobo were friends, what would he think if he knew you were trying to pick up on his wife right after his death?

Blake: (Trying to be playful) Don’t you mean widow?

R.D: (Begins to fight back tears) Excuse me, I’ll be in the study if anyone needs me. (Briskly walks off to the study)

Blake: (Looking to Wadsworth) Jeez, was it something I said?

Wadsworth: I may be taking a stab in the dark sir, but perhaps Lady Grimm is offended by your advances. After all, she was in love with Mr. Grimm.

Blake: That’s as may be Wadsworth, but none of his other wives had problems with my flirting. (Chuckles to himself) Most of them encouraged it…… (Hesitates for a second) And more.

Wadsworth: The fickleness of Mr. Grimm’s former wives has no weight in the conversation when we’re speaking about his current widow. Lady Grimm does not appear to have any use for your lackluster seductions.

Blake: Save it for someone who cares Wadsworth. (Becoming a little defensive) You better watch out, depending on the events of tonight you may be out of a job.

Wadsworth: (Becomes snide) Indeed, sir.

Blake: (Starts to walk around the grand hall, taking in the sights) Has Mikey shown up yet?

Wadsworth: Not yet, sir. I spoke to him a few moments ago and he was on his way.

Blake: Along with his female companion?

Wadsworth: I believe so, sir. Would it be out of place for me to ask what is the importance of keeping her identity hidden from everyone, even myself?

Blake: You can ask all you like Wadsworth, but the fact of the matter is this, you’ll find out soon enough.

Wadsworth: I’m sure I will, sir. I assume that you do have all of the necessary forms and paperwork with you for the reading of the will?

Blake: (Looks offended) What sort of lawyer would I be if I didn’t come prepared?!

Wadsworth: Do forgive me, I wasn’t trying to offend your incompetence.

Blake: No worries Wadsworth, I think my incompetence will be fine. (Realizes what he said) What did I just say?

Wadsworth: Nothing, sir. You just merely commented on your incompetence. Shall we retreat to the study so you can prepare for the reading?

Blake: (Looking mildly confused) Of course Wadsworth, it’ll also give me another opportunity to (Says “console” slyly) console R.D.

Wadsworth: (Rolls his eyes and becomes irritated) Undoubtedly, sir. Let us go then.

(Both men begin to walk to the study, but not before Wadsworth calls out to Angelina)

Wadsworth: Angelina, please report to the front door to greet whatever guests may arrive in my temporary absence. (Exits with Blake)

(Angelina and Heath re-enter the main hall)

Angelina: (To Heath) I swear that I will take you with me if that old hag makes me clean out volcanoes!

Heath: Hey, you never know, it might be more fun than the Caribbean.

(Exchanges a glance with Angelina and then becomes solemn) Angelina, I need to talk to you about something.

Angelina: I need to talk to you too, Heath.

(The doorbell rings)

Angelina: (To Heath) I’ll get the door. Why don’t you go prepare the drinks for the guests and we’ll rendezvous in a little bit to talk, okay?

Heath: Sure thing babe. (Leans in to give Angelina a peck on the cheek and then exits down the hall to the study)

Angelina: (Answers the door) Good evening, sir. My name is Angelina and this is Grimm Manor, please come inside.

(An Odd Guest enters)

Odd Guest: Thank you my dear, it was quite dreary outside.

Angelina: (Looks outside momentarily) It looks fine to me, sir.

Odd Guest: That’s the thing, it looks fine, but it really isn’t. Do you know how many monkey/dragon half-breeds I had to fight to get up here?! Do you?!

Angelina: (Becomes a little uneasy) No, I don’t sir, but I can only imagine.

Odd Guest: No, you can’t even imagine! You lack the cognitive capacity to do as such. (Begins to yell) Blasphemy!

Angelina: (Grows increasingly uneasy) I’m sure. Please forgive me, but I didn’t happen to catch your name. You are?

Odd Guest: (Answers relatively fast) Hungry! When’s the grub getting served?

Angelina: Dinner will be served in a little bit, sir. Would you happen to have an invitation or something that would state you should be here for tonight’s events?

Odd Guest: (Pulls out a slip of paper and hands it to Angelina) Do be careful reading this, I wasn’t able to bring a tinfoil hat with me, and the aliens may be broadcasting right now! (Yells again) Aliens!

Angelina: (Takes the paper from the guest, backs away a few steps and begins to read it) “To whom it may concern, it would be in your best interest to attend the wake and reading of the will of your departed friend, Bogart Bond Grimm. The events shall transpire on the night of October 31st, with guests arriving at 7pm. Signed, Mr. X”. (Becomes confused) Huh, that’s odd. So far, everyone has appeared to be invited by a “Mr. E”, not a “Mr. X”. Are you sure that this was sent to you and you didn’t just make it up?

Odd Guest: Oh no! The brain beam has gotten you! (Pulls out a shirt button) Here, use this button to ward off the beta rays that are surely circling through your head right now! (Hands her the button)

Angelina: And how do I use this?

Odd Guest: It’s a button you fool! You push it, like this! (Begins to push the button in Angelina’s hand)

Angelina: (Looks at the guest with utter confusion) Right. How about you just follow me and you can hang out in the study with the rest of the guests. Wadsworth can take it up with you if there’s a problem. (Begins to escort the guest to the study)

Odd Guest: (While walking with Angelina) The right time is the night time. The right time is the night time. The right time is the night time. The right time is the night time. (Continues to chant the phrase until he’s off stage)

(Wadsworth walks past Angelina and the Odd Guest right as they go to exit. Angelina and Wadsworth exchange glances before she and the guest are off stage. Wadsworth walks over to the front door to wait for the next guest)

(The doorbell rings)

Wadsworth: (Answers the door and greets the next guest) Ah, Mrs. Fleasock, good evening. My name is Wadsworth, welcome to Grimm Manor. (Holds out arm, indicating for Fleasock to walk in)

Fleasock: (Walking through the front door) Thank you, sir. But how did you know who I was?

Wadsworth: I know a great many things, Mrs. Fleasock. May I take your coat?

Fleasock: (Taking off coat with the assistance of Wadsworth) Oh yes, thank you. So what exactly do you know about me, my dear?

Wadsworth: (Hanging up Fleasock’s coat) I know that “Fleasock” is merely a pseudonym being used for the events of this evening. I also know that you were once the CFO of Grimm Gambling Incorporated, even operating as the general manager of Grimm Casino Las Vegas. That was, of course, until a mishap occurred where you allegedly were caught embezzling money from the company. More so, it was believed that you were orchestrating some sort of ponzi scheme. Soon after these allegations, however, you stepped down as CFO and went to work for another company. Am I missing anything?
Fleasock: No, you’re pretty on the ball with everything. Although, you could’ve pointed out that I was cleared of all of those allegations a few years ago. Mr. Grimm personally contacted me and claimed to have cleared my name, he even asked me to come back and work for him. Sadly, I had to turn him down. I was just getting my own casino off the ground, and I wasn’t too excited about returning to an environment where everyone still suspected me of embezzlement.

Wadsworth: I completely understand, madam. Curiosity has the better of me though, Mrs. Fleasock. Aren’t you afraid being here this evening could put a hatchet in your reputation, so to speak?

Fleasock: Not at all Wadsworth. Mr. Grimm and myself were very dear friends outside of work. Besides, I needed to come by tonight. My invitation stated that a “financial inconvenience” would be ended upon my departure from Mr. Grimm’s estate, and I trust that will be the situation.

Wadsworth: Mrs. Fleasock, you’re not the only guest to receive an invitation like that. Would there be a chance that your “financial inconvenience” is better known as “blackmail”?

Fleasock: (Becomes mildly offended) Of course not! Why would you think something like that? I’m an upstanding citizen, with no skeletons in her closet!

Wadsworth: Of course, Mrs. Fleasock. Please forgive me, I must’ve been mistaken by the terminology. Shall we join the other guests in the study? Mr. Grimm’s will shall be read soon.

Fleasock: Yes, please. Thank you for your (Says in a snide tone) hospitality.
Wadsworth: Of course, madam. That’s what I’m here for. (Begins to escort

Fleasock to the study when the doorbell rings) Mrs. Fleasock, please continue down this hall until you’ve reached the first door on your left. I must attend to the other guests at the front door. I trust you’ll find your way without issue?

Fleasock: Yes, yes. Go do your job Wadsworth. (Waves Wadsworth off and continues to walk off stage)

(The doorbell rings again)

Wadsworth: Yes, I’m coming. (Answers the door to reveal Mikey McFly and Anna Reynolds) Ah, Mr. McFly. It is a pleasure to see you at last. Please come inside. (Indicates towards the center of the grand hall)

Mikey: Thanks Wadsworth. (Looks around the grand hall) I see you’ve been busy straightening up and making this place look over the top.

Wadsworth: Of course, sir. Mr. Grimm would have it no other way. But I do have to be humble, a cleaning service was hired this evening to assist me with all of the last minute duties. Although, I must say that they have been a little troublesome.

Mikey: You must be slipping Wadsworth. I remember a time when you would’ve scoffed at the idea of help.

Wadsworth: The times are changing, sir. (Looks over to Anna) And I trust this is your associate in which you’ve been speaking about as of late? I’m Wadsworth, (Extends a hand out for a handshake) and you are?

Mikey: (Answers before Anna can) This is Anna Reynolds.

Wadsworth: (Retracting his hand) Nice to meet you Anna. You must have great fortitude to engage in a relationship with Mr. McFly.

Anna: Oh no, we’re not dating. I’m actually…(Gets cut off by Mikey)

Mikey: Dying to see the study! That is where the reading is going to be held, right?

Wadsworth: Of course, sir.

Mikey: Great. Do you think you could escort Anna to the study while I make a phone call? I’ll be in momentarily.

Wadsworth: As you wish, sir. Do hurry please, there are a few characters present that I wish to rid the estate of sooner rather than later. (Looks at Anna) Shall we go, madam?

Anna: (Looks a little taken back by the “madam” comment) Sure Wadsworth, but please call me Anna. “Madam” just seems too classy compared to what I’m used to.

Wadsworth: I’m sorry, Ms. Reynolds. I’ll try and remember that.

Anna: You don’t have to call me “Ms. Reynolds” either, Anna will be fine.

Mikey: Don’t argue with the man, Anna. He’ll call you “madam” or “Ms. Reynolds” because his job dictates that he do as such.

Anna: Oh, ok.

Mikey: (As Wadsworth and Anna begin to walk off) Yup, he’s a good, little automaton, aren’t you Wadsworth?

Wadsworth: (Says as escorting Anna to the study) I can see your humor as not faltered since your departure from the estate years ago, Mr. McFly. Let’s just hope that one day you’ll become humbled and your personality shall go through an immense overhaul. (To Anna) Let’s be off, my dear.
(Wadsworth departs with Anna down the hall to the study. Soon after their departure Mikey picks up the phone in the hall and pushes a few random buttons. He then hangs it up and waits. Jean comes out of the kitchen a few seconds later)

Jean: Ah, Mikey. I didn’t expect to see you here yet.

Mikey: (Snidely speaks to Jean) Nice to see you too, Jean. Is everything set?

Jean: As far as I know it is. Heath and Angelina are in place in the study, and I’ll soon be following. Can you tell me yet who the target is?

Mikey: You’re supposed to scare off Anna Reynolds. She showed up with me, but I want her to depart alone. After bribing Blake to see what her inheritance would be, I found that it was quite above what R.D and myself are getting. (Becoming a little angry) I’m sorry, but I won’t stand for that. (Calming down) But enough about me, how is your little ploy going?

Jean: You mean trying to convince both Angelina and Heath to leave one another, only to find out that I’m going to steal their share of the money and escape to the Alps? Is that the ploy you’re talking about?

Mikey: (Becomes sarcastic) No, I’m talking about the ploy where you steal your grandmother’s underwear and fashion a tent out of them! (Drops the sarcasm) Of course I’m talking about that ploy!

Jean: Oh, it’s going very well so far. They both seem a little hesitant to hop on board, but they’ll come around. Neither of them know just how deceptive the other can be.

Mikey: You just gotta love how the world is these days!

Jean: Hey, if the world was a nice place would I need to be here right now?

Mikey: Valid point. (Looks down at his watch) I guess I better get to the study so we can get this little shindig started. You ready?

Jean: Yeah, I just have to go get the Indonesian Sweetbread and Felinas de los Ojas out of the kitchen and then I’ll be following.

Mikey: (Walking over to the hallway that leads to the study) Sounds good. By the way, remember that we don’t know each other. We’ve come too far to blow our cover with the slip of a name of something. We don’t want this to turn into another policeman’s ball fiasco, right?

Jean: Right. (As they both go to walk away Jean stops Mikey) Hey Mikey, I forgot to ask you something. Why is Anna getting a bigger inheritance than you? When we first spoke about this on the phone you said none of the other guests were in the will. What makes Anna so special? (Chuckles) Is she Bobo’s mistress or something?

Mikey: No, you plumduff! (Looks around secretively) You can’t tell anyone if I tell you.

Jean: The only two business associates I have are getting ready to be left high and dry for a huge paycheck, who am I gonna tell?

Mikey: Fine, Jean. You want to know why she’s getting a bigger inheritance than me?

(Jean nods his head “Yes”)

Mikey: (Says in a dark, mischievous tone) Because she’s my long-lost cousin and Bobo’s long-lost niece. (Tone returns to normal) Now go get ready, we have a large amount of money to acquire.

(The two men walk off in their own directions. The lights concentrate on the top of the stairs where Wedge and Biggs sneak down quietly. They’re clad with odd gadgets and weird backpacks)

Wedge: Did you hear that, Biggs? All of this just hit the fan!

Biggs: I know Wedge. Maybe we should just go. We could tunnel through the basement and just rappel down the mountainside. Look, I even have a rope in my fanny-pack. (Starts to pull a rope out when Wedge suddenly slaps him)

Wedge: Pull yourself together man! You’re a ghost-hunter, not a ghost-runner. It isn’t everyday that we get a juicy tip like this! Besides, I told you not to bring your fanny-pack. You look like a reject from “I Love the Eighties!”

Biggs: But it comes in handy! Besides, how do we know this house is legit? Read the note to me again.

Wedge: (Pulling out a wadded-up slip of paper) Jeez, I don’t know why you’re being such a sissy. You’re usually up for a hunt. (Begins to read the note after uncrinkling it) “Wedge and Biggs, the mysterious circumstances surrounding the death of Bogart Bond Grimm are shrouded in a supernatural veil that the linear thought process of the police will not pierce. You two are the most qualified to solve the paranormal case that has been started at Grimm Manor. Report to the estate after 7:30pm, but make sure to use stealth. The guests that will be in attendance should not be aware of your presence. Help save Mr. Grimm’s legacy,Wedge and Biggs, you’re his only hope. Signed, Mr. E”. Happy now?

Biggs: I don’t know Wedge, something doesn’t seem quite right. This doesn’t seem as cut and dry as it appears. Maybe we should get a hold of Sam and Dean?

Wedge: Stow it Biggs! We can’t call them every time we run into a snag. (Slows down his speech) This is relatively simple. We find the ghost that cut off Grimm’s head and neutralize it.

Biggs: Wait, how did you know Grimm got his head cut off? That wasn’t anywhere in the note!

Wedge: Calm down, I hacked into the police database and got the information.

Biggs: You did what?! That’s illegal!

Wedge: Stop being a panty-waste, Biggs. This is our shot at proving we’re real paranormal investigators. We’ll alleviate the public of any ridicule that they want to bestow upon us!

Biggs: (In a mocking way retorts to Wedge) Stop talking fancy, Wedge. You’re speaking like Pilates!

Wedge: Pilates isn’t even a way to speak. It’s a ridiculous exercise, you moron!

Biggs: Either way, you’re talking like you’re not nervous. I can see it in your eyes, you’re as afraid as me, maybe more.

Wedge: You’re full of it, Biggs! Look, we need to get moving. The longer we sit here with our ectoplasmatic retracto beamanizers up our behinds, the longer we lose the trail of whatever apparition did in Grimm! Do you really want to let the man down? After all, he was our biggest benefactor…. When he was alive.

Biggs: I know, I know. Let’s get going then. We should check the lounge first, it’s always the lounge where the ghost hangs out!

Wedge: (As they’re walking off) Since when?! I have never seen a movie where the ghost is in the lounge first!

Biggs: That’s because you have no interest in the world!

(Both men walk off bickering. Suddenly, a wall panel spins around to reveal Nichole Croft. The lights focus on her)

Nichole: (Speaks into what appears to either be a walkie-talkie or recording device) Infiltration of the Grimm Estate was successful. The guests appear to all have deceptive or ulterior motives that differ from that of what’s on the agenda for the evening. The ghost-hunting duo of Wedge and Biggs has appeared, but seem to be oblivious to the importance of (Hesitates and takes on a somewhat comical tone) anything, really. They seem to bicker like an old married couple, must investigate further. More to the point, the Ark does not appear to be where Mr. E said it was, but I won’t give up hope. Grimm and myself stole it from the Nazis in nineteen forty-five, and then he stole it from me once he learned my intentions, so I know he must still have it. The basement is completely flooded with decomposing cadavers, but seemed to have no real information that would apply to the Ark’s location. The reading of Grimm’s will is about to begin, which should supply applicable time to explore the house in detail without interruption.

(Blake can be heard from off stage)

Blake: (From offstage) If everyone would gather around please, the reading of the late Bogart Bond Grimm’s will shall take place momentarily.

Nichole: (Still talking into the device) I must act with haste, the evening is still young and I’ve got a bad feeling about this….

(Nichole disappears back behind the revolving wall and the lights dim)

End of Act 1

Act 2 – The Plot Thickens

Setting: The will of Bobo has just been read and everyone is standing around inside the study. Their positioning is very reminiscent of “The Last Supper”, with the Mysterious and Odd guests sitting quietly on opposite ends of the room behind everyone. Heath is standing still in a corner, holding a tray of drinks, while Jean is next to a cart filled with food and Angelina is lingering next to the doorway. Blake is standing behind a small desk, and no one notices that Wadsworth is not present. The focus of everyone seems to be upon Anna, who was just revealed to be Bobo’s long-lost niece and that she’d be getting the largest inheritance out of herself, Mikey and R.D. Mikey begins to feign a distaste for the situation, even though he knew this was going to happen. Mikey rises from the chair he’s sitting in to begin his protest.

Mikey: (Rising from his chair next to Anna) No offense Anna, but I don’t care if you’re Bobo’s long-lost niece or whatever! It’s not fair that you’re getting a bigger inheritance than me and R.D.

Thumb: The correct way to say that would be “R.D and myself”, not “me and R.D”.

Mikey: (Says in a somewhat irritated tone) I don’t even know who you are!

Thumb: I can’t reveal my true identity, but you can call me Professor Thumb. I have quite an extensive background when it comes to education, especially correct grammar and punctuation.

Mikey: (Becomes more irritated) That’s wonderful. Really, it is. Do me a favor, correct grammar and punctuate your butt out of this conversation. This doesn’t concern you!

Harlett: (Stepping into the conversation) Actually, this does concern him, it concerns all of us. It especially concerns those invited to alleviate a “financial inconvenience”.

Fleasock: (Piping into the conversation too) Yeah!

Vanessa: What about me?! I was invited to spend the night so I could make a cool million bucks. When do we hear about that?!

Odd Guest: (Interjects into everyone’s debate) Lollipop gumdrops!

(All of the guests, excluding the Mysterious Guest, R.D and Anna, yell “Shut up!” at the Odd Guest)

Odd Guest: (Under his breath) You can’t shut up, but you can shut your mouth.

(All of the guests, excluding the Mysterious Guest, R.D and Anna, yell “Shut your mouth!”)

Anna: (Waits a second and then makes an inquiry) I don’t mean to interrupt, but why wouldn’t Bobo leave some of his inheritance to his children? He must’ve had at least a child or two, with all of the wives he had, I mean.

Blake: Actually, Mr. Grimm never had children. Soon after he married his first wife Mr. Grimm was reported to be infertile. Some think his infertility was caused by a top-secret rescue mission to Hiroshima after the bomb dropped. Others believe he volunteered himself for a super-soldier program that may have had some unforeseen side effects. Some even seem to think a mixture of the two events took away his ability to have children. Either way, Mr. Grimm was never able to share his life with a child he could call his own.

Anna: That’s disheartening, it seems like he was such a nice person.

Mikey: (Says bitterly to Anna) Yea, yea, you seem really broken up about it. You can dry your tears with all the money you inherited.

R.D: (To Mikey) Mikey, I know you’re upset, but try to see what Bobo’s intentions were. He knew both of us thoroughly, but never got the chance to meet Anna. He is probably trying to make up for that fact.

Mikey: R.D, when I want the opinion of a money-grubbing gold-digger, I’ll let you know. Until then, you can keep up the charade of actually caring about my uncle. (Acts insulted) I can’t even believe we’re getting the same amount of money, I should be getting so much more than you!

Blake: Mikey, stop verbally accosting my future ex-wife!

R.D: (Becomes shocked) What?!

Blake: (Looks a little embarrassed) Did I say that out loud? (Shakes his heads as to ward off confusion) Look Mikey, I get that you’re upset. And everyone, I see why you’re concerned too. However, everything has been taken care of.

Jean: (To no one in particular) By who, Mr. E?

Heath: (Speaking through clenched teeth) Servants aren’t supposed to talk right now.

Harlett: No, he brings up a good point. Who is Mr. E and is he here tonight?
(Everyone begins to chatter about Mr. E, but Blake soon interrupts)

Blake: Calm down everyone! Your questions will be answered! First off, no, Mr. E is not here tonight. Secondly, Mr. E is actually one of Mr. Grimm’s best friends. He’s the person who took care of all of the preparations for this evening so R.D and myself didn’t have to. I’ve never met the man, but our phone conversations have led me to believe that he was as close to being a brother to Mr. Grimm than one could ever come. (Tone becomes solemn) As some of you may or may not know, Mr. Grimm did have a biological brother, but they had become estranged quite some time ago. In fact, I believe he’s in sort fort of exile, for all attempts to find him have been to no avail.

Fleasock: That’s great Mr. Relihan, it sounds like a touching episode of Oprah, but how does Mr. E know so much about us? I don’t know about the rest of you, but my invitation insinuated that he was privy to information I didn’t tell anyone.

Blake: I can’t answer that Mrs. Fleasock, because I don’t rightly know. I’d like to point out though, that if we can all keep our wits about us we can push through all of this unpleasantness and get everything sorted out. Everyone agree?
(Everyone mutters a reluctant “Yes”)

Blake: Good. Now, to tackle Mikey’s issue. (Looks at Mikey) Mr. Grimm anticipated your distaste for tonight’s outcome, which is why he left a stipulation in his will. If Anna wants her inheritance she has to spend the night in Grimm Manor and learn as much as she can about the late Bogart Bond Grimm. Upon 6am, if Anna is still here, she shall receive her inheritance. However, if she’s not here, the rest of the inheritance will be divvied up between R.D and yourself. Sound acceptable?

Mikey: (Remains reluctant, but accepts the situation) It’s not like I have a choice in the matter, but I guess.

Blake: (To Anna) Does that sound acceptable to you, Anna? Or would you like to just depart now and let Mr. Grimm’s other family members (Indicating to R.D and Mikey) divvy up the inheritance?

Anna: (Looking a little sheepish, but tenacious) I think I’ll stay. Bobo sounds like a fair man, and I’d like to honor his memory by doing as he wishes. I at least owe him that much for leaving me such a generous gift.

Harlett: (Interrupting the situation) If I may be so bold, what about the rest of us? I’m glad the family quarrel is settled, but I’d like to put an end to my “financially inconvenient” situation and be on my way. This evening has worn my patience thin.

(Thumb and Fleasock pipe in with slight agreement)

Vanessa: What about me, Mr. Relihan? I still plan on bunking up for the night if the million dollars is on the table.

Odd Guest: (Interrupting again) Bubblegum dum-dum!

(Everyone shouts “Shut up!” once more)

Odd Guest: You can’t shut up, but you can…. (Gets cut off by everyone)

(Everyone shouts “Shut your mouth!”)

Blake: (Taking control of the conversation once more) Ms. Rappir, Mr. E has set aside the million dollars just in case you were actually wanting to spend the night. I have the check with me right now (Waves it in the air), but you only get it upon the sun rising at 6am tomorrow morning. For the rest of you, (Speaking to Fleasock, Thumb and Harlett) I have three dossiers here with me (Indicates towards three folders on the desk) that have all the information you’ll require to rid yourself of whatever financial problems you possess. Mr. E told me that Mr. Grimm knew someone was accepting money from you on unethical grounds and wanted it stopped, so he had these prepared a few weeks ago without my knowledge. He was supposedly going to deliver them to you in person, but as you know, (Speaks in a menacing tone) he had other obligations arise. After tonight’s meeting you’ll be allowed to sign off for your dossier and depart without any more monetary issues. Does anyone have any other questions or objections?

(Everyone shakes their head “no” or mumbles “no”, and then Blake continues)

Blake: Wonderful. Before I dismiss everyone, I have a question for R.D.

R.D: (Looks at Blake with curiosity) Yes Blake?

Blake: (Speaks in a flirting way) What are you doing after this? Would you like to go out for a drink?

R.D: (Becomes irritated) Blake, I’ve told you about this. Would you please just stop?

Blake: (Chuckles to himself) I would, baby, but I’m just getting started!

(The lights start to flicker off and on. A sound of thunder is heard and the lights shut off completely. Everyone begins to panic, scream and run around the now darkened study. The sound of Jean’s food cart knocking over can be heard, along with silverware and plates scattering about. Jean starts to yell)

Jean: (As the lights are off) My cat eyes and monkey brains!

(Suddenly, the lights come back on, only to reveal Blake propped over the desk he was standing behind with a fork plunged into his back. His head is angled towards the direction of the guests. All of the guests gasp, and surround the desk, with Wadsworth “appearing” as if he was never absent from the room. Nichole Croft can be seen stealthily strafing across the outside of the window. She looks in to see what happened and immediately picks up her pace upon seeing Blake, but no one notices her. Anna and R.D are the first to speak)

Anna and R.D: (Staring at Blake, they both say in unison) Oh my god!

Mikey: (Looking on) Wow, someone stuck a fork in him…. (Hesitates for a second and shrugs his shoulders in curiosity) Guess he was done.

Wadsworth: (Runs up to the front of the desk Blake is lying over) Mr. McFly, I hardly think this is the time for your childish puns. This man is dead!

(Blake can be heard starting to groan something)

Wadsworth: (Looks down at Blake and then back up to Mikey) Correction: This man is dying!

Blake: (Groans while talking) R.D…… R.D…..

R.D: (Leaning in to hear what Blake says) Blake? Are you okay?

Blake: (Still groaning) Not really…. I have a fork in my back. (Starts to cough, but raises his head slightly to look at R.D) R.D, I have a question for you… (Coughs again)

R.D: (Assumes she knows what he’s going to say) I’m sorry Blake, but I don’t think I should pull the fork out.

Blake: (Speaking slowly while groaning and coughing) No…… It’s not that. Are you sure….. You won’t have….. Just one drink…. With me? (Lets out a gasp and then his head flops down)

(Blake dies and everyone lets out a unified gasp of concern and fear, but soon the room is shrouded in silence. Thumb speaks first after the events)

Thumb: (Says in a somewhat proud way) A dog to the very end, that’s respectable.

Harlett: (Comes up beside Thumb) Shut up, you nitwit! We have bigger problems than the lawyer biting it! Look at the desk, (Points to where the dossiers were) all of the folders with our information are gone.

Vanessa: (Runs up to the desk) Where’s the check?! Where is that bloody, million dollar check?! (Grabs Thumb by the collar and begins to shake him) Where’s my money, lord fancy pants?!

(The Mysterious and Odd guests still remain in the background, but everyone swarms around Vanessa and Thumb. Angelina, Heath and Jean all take this opportunity to break away from everyone and try to speak in private)

Angelina: (Confused by the events that transpired) Is it just me, or have things taken an unexpected turn?

Heath: No, it’s not just you, I’m right there with you. (To Jean) Did Mikey say anything about putting the lawyer on the payroll?

Jean: (Becoming mildly angry) No, he didn’t. I bet he’s trying to steal away all of the money for himself, so he hired more actors than just us! I’m sorry, but I won’t stand for that!

Heath: Okay, so the big question is what are we going to do?

Angelina: Maybe we should just leave. We could cut our losses and just go, no harm, no foul.

Jean: No, we stick to the original plan. We’ll fake our deaths and (Emphasizes “we will”) we will get paid.

Heath: Sounds like a plan, fearless leader.
(Heath, Angelina and Jean are distracted by Wadsworth trying to catch the attention of everyone. They disperse back to where they were before)

Wadsworth: Everyone needs to calm down! (Pries Vanessa off of Thumb) This isn’t about money or dossiers anymore. Don’t you all get it? (Points to Blake) This man is dead! (Waits a moment, pokes Blake a couple of times and continues) This man is, in fact, dead!

Harlett: Thank you, Doctor Wadsworth! I’m sure that everyone can appreciate the severity of the situation, but you need to appreciate the severity of my situation! I don’t know about you two (Talking to Fleasock and Thumb), but I’ve been getting blackmailed for the past ten years now and I need one of those dossiers to make it stop!

(Fleasock and Thumb both bow their heads in shame)

Anna: (Quietly speaks up) What are you getting blackmailed for?

Harlett: (Becomes rude) That is none of your business!

Wadsworth: Could we please stop this nonsense?! This man is dead, don’t you know what that means?

Fleasock: (Says in a comical tone) We send a fruit-basket to someone for disposing of a lawyer?

Wadsworth: (Becomes angry) Mrs. Fleasock, this is not the time for such comments!

Mikey: (Interrupts Wadsworth) I don’t know Wadsworth, she makes a good point. (Walks over to Fleasock) Want to go halvsies on the fruit-basket?

Wadsworth: (Becomes infuriated) You arrogant, little mud-flappers! This is not about fruit-baskets! This is not about “financial inconveniences”! This is not about checks or Indonesian Sweet Bread! (Gets interrupted by Jean)

Jean: (Acts mildly insulted) Hey, I slaved away at making that Sweet Bread!

Wadsworth: Shut up, Mr. Seagal! None of you comprehend what’s going on, none of you understand the situation. This evening is no longer about all of those insignificant things. This is evening is now shrouded in (Emphasizes “murder”) murder!

(Everyone gasps)

R.D: Wadsworth, you think someone killed Blake?

Wadsworth: (Speaks a little calmer) No offense Lady Grimm, but when was the last time you heard of someone dying from natural (Emphasizes “fork”) fork causes? This is not a cancerous growth sticking out of Mr. Relihan’s back, it is indeed an eating utensil of death!

Mikey: (Becomes comical) How un-fork-tunate!
(Wadsworth bows his head in shame, while Anna tries to speak to Mikey)

Anna: Mikey, maybe you should take this a little more seriously. I think Wadsworth is trying to imply that someone in this room killed Mr. Relihan.
(The odd guest suddenly stands up and takes his coat off, only to reveal that he is Jacob Concrite, a detective)

Concrite: (Placing a hat upon his head) I agree with Anna’s theory. You should too, Mikey.

(Everyone looks at Concrite with confusion and awe)

Mikey: Who the blimey are you?!

(Before Concrite can answer, Wadsworth reveals his identity)

Wadsworth: This is Jacob Concrite! He is a detective and an acquaintance of Mr. Grimm. (Speaking directly to Concrite) How did you know we’d need your assistance tonight, Mr. Concrite?

Concrite: I received an anonymous tip from a “Mr. X” saying that my services may be required this evening.

(Mikey jumps in the middle of their conversation)

Mikey: Hold it right there, Cronkite! (Gets interrupted by Concrite)

Concrite: It’s Concrite! Do I look like someone who’s been telling the news for a hundred years?! I think not!

Mikey: Whatever! Your being here sounds a little fishy. I don’t think anyone planned on showing up to kill Blake, yet you got a tip that we’d need your help tonight? That seems a little too convenient for my taste!

Concrite: That’s as may be, but that’s the situation. The sooner you accept it, the sooner we’ll get to the bottom of this!

Mikey: I think we’ve reached rock bottom! (Looking over to the rest of the guests) I say we call the cops and have this guy arrested. It’s obvious he came in here with a murderous agenda!

Wadsworth: (Speaks to Mikey before anyone can agree) You’re a fool, Mikey. This man is here to help us! But calling the police is a good idea!

(Wadsworth goes to the desk and removes Blake’s hand from over the phone where it limply was resting. Wadsworth tries to dial out, but receives no dial tone. He grimly speaks to everyone)

Wadsworth: It’s dead.

Mikey: (Continuing his tirade against Concrite) See, he even cut the phone lines. He had this entire evening planned out! He wants to kill us! (Looks over at Thumb) Thumb, help me take him down. We can tie him up and use someone’s cell phone to call the cops!

(Mikey and Thumb advance on Concrite, who strikes a defensive stance. Suddenly, the Mysterious Guest loses his garb and makes a stunning revelation; he is the master detective Anthony Lorre Humphrey Van Connery III)

Van Connery: (Proudly gets in between Concrite and his possible assailants) I think you’ll find that this is a bad idea for two reasons; your cell phones no longer have service and Concrite is a thirty-seventh degree black belt in every martial-art known to man, even some (Emphasizes “not”) not known to man.

Mikey: (Steps back in bewilderment) Who in the green leprechaun are you?!

Van Connery: Me? Why I am detective Anthony Lorre Humphrey Van Connery, the third. (Strikes a valiant pose) Pleasure to meet you, Mr. McFly.

Wadsworth: (Walking up to shake Van Connery’s hand) Van Connery, I had no idea you were invited! Why didn’t you tell me?

R.D: (Quaintly speaks up) I’m sorry, how do you know each other?

Fleasock: (While pulling out her cell phone) More importantly, why don’t our cell phones have a signal?

Wadsworth: Mr. Van Connery and myself go back quite a few years. His detective and deduction skills are second to none, which helped profusely when my dog was kidnapped by Vietnamese assassins. This man is the equivalent of a baby born of Sherlock Holmes, Batman and Columbo! He is truly a master detective!

Van Connery: You’re too kind, Wadsworth. (Looks over to Fleasock) As to answer your question, Mr. Grimm was an innovator, especially when it came to military technology. For those of you who don’t know, Mr. Grimm has in his attic, as we speak, a subsonic cellular-signal nullifying resonator.

Mikey: Thanks for the science lesson Einstein, but could you try the English version of that this time?

Van Connery: (Looks over to Mikey) I suggest minding your tone, otherwise you may find that you’re the next person the murderer targets.

Mikey: Is that a threat?

Van Connery: No, merely an observation. If you paid attention to what Mr. Relihan was doing before his untimely demise, you’d realize he was doing something that was construed as quite rude.

Mikey: (Becomes comical) Hey look, you’re a poet and you didn’t know it.

Van Connery: (Says in a matter-of-fact way) Actually, I did know it. I have quite an extensive literary collection that I wrote myself and received many honors for.

Fleasock: (Cutting off any chance Mikey may have to rebuttal) Could you just get to the point about what the heck that thing is in the attic that won’t let us use our cell phones?

Van Connery: (Glares at Mikey for a second and then looks over to Fleasock) To put it simply, it is a device that cancels out all communication signals within a twenty-five mile radius. The prototype was being designed by Mr. Grimm, but was never delivered to the government upon its completion.

Thumb: That doesn’t make sense. I called the house earlier from my cell phone for directions and that was within five miles of this place.

Van Connery: Indeed, but the resonator wasn’t activated at the time.

Harlett: Okay, and how do you know that Kato over there is some sort of one-man army? (Waves her arm towards Concrite)

Van Connery: Because my dear, he is my partner. (Walks over and pats Concrite on the back) Although, I do have to say I’m a little surprised to see you here. I wasn’t aware that you were on the guest list. (Shakes Concrite’s hand)

Concrite: (Releases the handshake) Trust me, I’m just as surprised to see you here. I probably wouldn’t have shown up if I knew you were here to take care of everything.

Van Connery: Nonsense, Concrite. You know that I’m always in need of your assistance, and it looks like that may be the case more so now than ever.

Concrite: So what’s our first move, Van Connery? Do we go to the attic and knock out the resonator?

Van Connery: That would normally be our first move, but we have to be careful. As Ms. Reynolds stated earlier in her comment to Mr. McFly, Wadsworth seems to believe someone in this room could be the lawyer’s killer. Right Wadsworth?

Wadsworth: Indeed, that was my insinuation.

Anna: (Slightly standing up and raising her hand) And I have to say that I agree with that.

R.D: Me too.

(Everyone else begins to agree, except for Mikey, who is standing with his arms crossed. At this point, Heath subtlety begins to take sips from one of the drinks on his tray)

Van Connery: With that, you and I could come back from the attic to find that everyone has been attacked by the unknown assailant, even possibly becoming victims ourselves.

Concrite: Good point.

Van Connery: However, that is not the only reason we can’t go to the attic to turn off the resonator.

Thumb: And what is the other reason, Van Connery?

Van Connery: If everyone would please observe (Van Connery goes behind the desk that Blake lies limply on and pushes in a painting, only to reveal that it rotates to open a hand-sized square that someone could’ve used to secretly stab Blake during all the commotion), it appears that there is a hidden compartment here. With this new discovery, one could very well assume that we’re no longer the only ones in the house, so it wouldn’t be safe to venture out of this room blindly.

Mikey: That’s just stupid, Van Halen!

Van Connery: The name is Van Connery!

Mikey: I don’t care if you name’s Van Helsing! The phones are out and we have no way of contacting the outside world. Unless someone has a messenger dove in their back pocket, I’d say we need to come up with a plan that’s better than just sitting here like a bunch of babbling brooks! Personally, I vote for leaving.

(Vanessa, Thumb, Fleasock, R.D, and Anna all start to voice their agreement)

Van Connery: That would normally be our second move, but I implore everyone to look out of the window into the distance. (Indicates towards the window)

(Everyone crowds around the window)

R.D: What’s that giant gravestone-looking object so far out there?

Van Connery: (Stepping out from behind the desk) That would be the secret drawbridge Mr. Grimm had installed. It appears someone has raised it, which means we have no way of leaving the grounds.

Anna: Do you mean we’re trapped?

Van Connery: I try to remain as optimistic as possible in times such as this, but it does look like we’re in a bit of a predicament.

Mikey: A bit of a predicament? Man, I’m going to wring your neck!

(Mikey advances on Van Connery, who takes on a defensive stance. The rest of the guests step between the two men, mostly trying to stop Mikey from getting physically put in his place by Van Connery. With the distraction, Angelina runs over to Heath to see what should be done about the evening)

Angelina: (Trying to speak to Heath in a hushed tone) Heath, what do you think we should do? It looks like Mikey is in over his head with this one.

(Heath continues to look forward, being unresponsive and looking a little pale)

Angelina: Heath?

(Heath remains inactive)

Angelina: Heath, what’s wrong?

(Angelina shakes Heath’s shoulder slightly, only to watch him fall over)

Angelina: (Lets out a high pitched scream) Oh my god, Heath! (Drops to her knees and shakes Heath to make him wake up while beginning to sob) Wake up, Heath! Wake up!

(Everyone rushes over to the collapsed Heath)

Van Connery: (Tries to pry Angelina off of Heath) I need to check his body, my dear.

(Angelina continues to shake Heath while saying “Wake up”)

Van Connery: (Looks over to Jean) Could you please do something about your associate? The investigation is at its breaking point right now and we can’t afford to miss any opportunity to blow this thing wide open.

Jean: (Pulls Angelina off of Heath) Come on, let the detective take a look. You’re only hurting Heath if something can be done, but you stop everyone from helping.

Angelina: (Still sobbing slightly) Okay….

(Jean walks Angelina to the other end of the room and begins to talk to where the others can’t hear, while Van Connery leans down and begins to inspect Heath’s body)

Jean: What’s Heath thinking?! There’s no point in going on with this stuff now. We’re trapped here, and there’s no way Anna could even think about leaving.

Angelina: (Wiping her eyes dry) I don’t know, Jean. Maybe he’s not acting. He said earlier that he was thinking of using some stuff to slow his heart rate down, but I don’t see why he’d try to do it now.


Jean: Maybe he’s that dedicated to the job.

Angelina: I don’t think so, Jean. He’s usually the sensible one, this would be completely illogical for him right now.

Jean: I don’t know what to tell you, Angie. There’s only two possibilities; if he’s not acting, then he’s… (Gets cut off by Van Connery)

Van Connery: (Standing up) He’s dead.

Angelina: (Falls to her knees and begins to cry) No!

Mikey: (Steps up to Jean) Jean, will you take her into the main hall? Her blubbering is going to give me a headache.

(Anna looks questionably at Mikey, but doesn’t say anything)

Jean: (While trying to pick Angelina up from her knees) Are you sure that us separating from the group is a good thing?

Mikey: It looks like we’re in danger as a group anyways, so I don’t think it will matter.

(Angelina lets out a loud sob)

Mikey: Gah! Get her out of here before she makes me go all “Scanners”!

Jean: (Begins to walk Angelina out) Okay, okay, we’re going.

(Jean escorts Angelina out of the study while she continues to cry. Van Connery goes back to looking at the body)

Mikey: (Waits for Angelina and Jean to leave) Jeez, she makes it seem like someone died.

R.D: Mikey, that’s very hurtful. Her friend just died, please try and show some concern.

Mikey: Hey, I am concerned. I don’t want to be the next one ready for a dirt nap.

Concrite: You snide, little punk. We have people dropping off like flies around us and you’d rather crack jokes and be sarcastic than take the situation seriously?!

Mikey: It calms me down! You don’t think I’m nerve racked?! There is a potential killer in this room and we have no way of knowing who it is or how to get out of here!

Concrite: I’m glad to see you show some signs of being a person.

Van Connery: (Interrupts the two men) Okay Concrite, that will do. (Steps into the center of the group) Upon further investigation I have found no revealing wounds on the body. However, I did find this (Holds up an empty bottle).

Mikey: (Leans in to look at the bottle) Great, an empty bottle, what a dangerous weapon.

Van Connery: The bottle itself would make a very inefficient murder weapon, but nothing says its former contents would be of the same nature.

Anna: What do you mean, Mr. Van Connery?

Harlett: (Cuts off Van Connery before he can answer) He means that the bottle was filled with a poisonous material. (Grabs the bottle away from Van Connery, opens it and smells the inside) Hmm, arsenic, strong stuff.

Thumb: How do you know what was in there?

Harlett: Because I’ve worked with arsenic before. It has a very discernable and potent smell.

Van Connery: Very good, Miss Harlett.

Harlett: (Bows her head slightly) Thank you.

Vanessa: (To Van Connery) So what you’re implying is that the servant could’ve been poisoned?

Van Connery: Precisely.

Fleasock: Then that means Harlett is the prime suspect. She just admitted to having experience with arsenic.

(The group begins to chatter and agree)

Van Connery: Very true. However, I highly doubt she’s had experience killing people with cutlery.

Harlett: Not to mention that I never even went near the poor servant. I find it within my best interests not to mingle with the (Says “help” snidely while looking at Heath) help.

Thumb: You could’ve had someone else do it. You know, brought them the arsenic and had them slip it into the servant’s drink, and so on.

(The group chatters in agreement again)

Harlett: Preposterous. That would require me doing two things: Having a motive to kill someone so insignificant, and having to converse with one of you outside of this place. I’m sorry, but I have no desire for either of those.

Van Connery: Although I don’t label you the prime suspect Ms. Harlett, even you should be smart enough to realize that no one needs a motive in this day and age.

Concrite: (Walks up to Van Connery’s side) He’s right. The world is filled with deranged psychopaths, who have no regard for humanity.

Mikey: Don’t sugar coat it, tell her what’s on your mind.

Anna: Mikey, they’re just trying to help.

Mikey: The only thing they’re helping with is building up everyone’s paranoia level.

R.D: Stop acting like that, Mikey. They may not have known they’d be needed tonight, but we could really use their help now. You patronizing them won’t help the situation any.

Mikey: Whatever, do what you want. All I know is that I’m a sitting duck no matter where I am in the house, so I might as well be a moving target.

Anna: What do you mean?

Mikey: I mean I’m storming up to the attic to turn off that blasted resonator, and possibly find whoever is trying to pick us off. I refuse to play the victim in this sick game of cat and mouse. (Heads for the exit)

Van Connery: Mr. McFly, our disagreements aside, I wouldn’t recommend that. Who knows if it’s safe or not, there is potentially a madman running around after all.

Mikey: Like I said, I’d much rather be a moving target. This sitting in a room, waiting to be picked off, doesn’t really work for me. Anyone with me?

(Everyone looks down at their feet or anywhere, except at Mikey)

Mikey: Fine, I see how it is. Just know this, I’m going to haunt all of you if I friggin’ die!

(Mikey storms out)

R.D: Are we really going to just let him go off on his own?

Anna: I don’t think we really have a choice in the matter. I haven’t know Mikey very long, but he seems like someone who is very hard to get to listen to reason.

R.D: You don’t know the half of it.

Van Connery: Sadly, his stubbornness may get the better of him this time. Concrite?

Concrite: Yes, sir?

Van Connery: I’m departing to try and convince Mikey to see the light. I want you to take point in my absence. Make sure that everyone is safe and do what’s best for the group. Search for clues if you’d like, but remember your first priority is the welfare of everyone else. Understood?

Concrite: Are you sure, Van Connery? I can go after Mikey if you’d like. You’ve always proven to make a better leader than I ever did.

Van Connery: You humble me, Concrite. However, you’ll need to learn how to take charge sooner of later, and this will be a perfect exercise for you.

Fleasock: I don’t mean to be rude, but who said any of you were in charge?

Wadsworth: Mrs. Fleasock, please, this is no time to split hairs. We’re in a dire situation and Van Connery is the only one who can get us out of it.

Thumb: But wasn’t he just asking that Concrite fellow to take charge while he left? That sounds a bit like someone trying to save their own skin if you ask me.

Harlett: That’s the thing Thumb, no one asked you.

Van Connery: People, please, I won’t be gone for more than a few moments. Just cooperate and I guarantee that we’ll all make it through this.
(Everyone mumbles assorted agreements)

Van Connery: Very good. Now, I bid you all adieu. (Walks over to the exit) Concrite, good luck.

(Concrite gives him a thankful wave, and then Van Connery walks out of the study)

Harlett: Okay, now who’s going with me to look for the dossiers?

Concrite: Excuse me? We’re all going to wait here until Van Connery gets back.

Harlett: That would an excellent thing to do, but upon further thought, that doesn’t really work with my agenda.

Concrite: (Walking over to Harlett) It may not work with your agenda, but that’s what’s going to happen. We can’t all just flock out of here like wreckless hooligans!

Fleasock: I hate to burst your little bubble Concrite, but you’re not in charge of any of us. There may be a killer on the loose, but that means we’re all a target no matter where we are, much like Mikey said earlier.

Wadsworth: (Joining the conversation) But we’re safer in numbers!

Thumb: Safer in numbers? How is that the case? We’ve already had two people knock off right in front of us.

Concrite: Listen people, everything will be fine. We just need to wait for Van Connery to get back.

Wadsworth: He’s right. We shouldn’t make a move without Van Connery.

Harlett: You can wait for your precious master detective if you’d like, but I don’t have that kind of time. Fleasock, Thumb, are you with me?

Thumb: I have nothing better to do.

Fleasock: Ditto, Mr. Thumb.

Thumb: None for me actually, but thank you.

Harlett: (Looks at Thumb with bewildered tension) Let’s get moving then, so long Concrite.

(Thumb, Harlett and Fleasock depart from the study. Vanessa bows her head and begins to quietly speak to herself)

Anna: Concrite, what are we going to do?

Concrite: That’s a very good question, Anna. I wish I had an answer for you, but sadly I’m no brain trust, that was Van Connery’s job.

R.D: Should we try and figure out the identity of the killer?

Concrite: That would be a great idea, but most of our suspects just left. Unless everyone out there starts dropping off or someone in here tries to attack another guest, I’d say our chances are slim of finding the killer before they find us.

Anna: “They”? You think there’s more than one killer?

Concrite: No, I was being gender unspecific. The last thing I need is a court case from a serial killer because I mistook them as a guy or thought they were inadequate for being a female.

R.D: You can get sued for something like that?

Concrite: Lady Grimm, you can get sued for just about everything these days. It is the twenty-first century after all.

R.D: Very true.

Wadsworth: (Walking over to the window, then faces Concrite) I don’t mean to be rude, but could we please come up with a plan. We’re sitting ducks right now, and I personally don’t want to be the next victim.

(A black-clad hand grabs Wadsworth from outside of the window and pulls him through it. Wadsworth can be heard plummeting to his death)

R.D: Wadsworth! (Begins to run to the window, but Concrite stops her)

Concrite: No, you can’t go over there. The killer could still be on the ledge just waiting to pull another person out to their doom!

R.D: But Wadsworth was my friend, what if he’s hanging onto something?! I could help him! (Tries once more to run over to the window)

Concrite: (Becomes frustrated and stops her again) He’s finished, R.D! Let him go!

(R.D walks over to a chair and quietly begins to cry)

Anna: What are we going to do? It’s like the killer has us trapped in a holding cell. He’s picking us off one by one.

Concrite: I know, Anna. I fear the plan of waiting for Van Connery to get back may have just gone out the window…… (Realizes what he said and looks over at R.D) I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.

R.D: (Begins to cry hysterically) Wadsworth!

Anna: (Looks over at Vanessa, who is still mumbling to herself) Are you okay?

(Vanessa ignores Anna)

Anna: Concrite, I think we have a situation here. (Points to Vanessa)

Concrite: (Walks over to Vanessa and Anna) What’s wrong with her?

Anna: I don’t know. I just looked over and saw her like this.

Concrite: (Shakes Vanessa) Hey, are you alright?

(Vanessa is unresponsive)

Concrite: (Snaps his fingers in front of her face) Hello? Any body home?

(Vanessa continues to mumble to herself and be unresponsive)

Anna: Do you think she got some of the arsenic too?

Concrite: I don’t think so. She would’ve probably died by now. She appears to be in some sort of trance. (Claps his hands in front of her face to see if he can break her attention) Either that, or she decided to switch off and not pay attention to any of this.

(The doorbell rings. R.D, Anna and Concrite exchange concerned glances)

Anna: Was that the doorbell?

Concrite: My detective skills tell me…. Yes.

Anna: Should we go see who’s there?

Concrite: I don’t know. It could be a ploy by the killer.

(The sounds of the front door opening and closing can be heard)

Anna: Was that the front door opening and closing?

Concrite: My skills of deduction tell me…. Yes.

R.D: (Wiping away tears and standing up) Does that mean the killer is in the house?

Concrite: Technically, the killer was already in the house. I guess the only way to figure out what’s going on is to go to the grand hall.

R.D: Who knows, it might be safer than this death trap of a room.

Concrite: I concur with that thought. Shall we all go then?

Anna: Lead the way.

R.D: After you (Waves her arm for Concrite to walk in front of her).

Concrite: Okay. (Looks over to Anna) Anna, please bring Ms. Rappir with us. I don’t think she’d like to be left alone right now, (Leans in and inspects Vanessa’s face) even if she is drooling on herself.

Anna: I’m on it. (Grabs Vanessa and loops their arms together)

Concrite: (As they all approach the exit to the grand hall) I’ve got a bad feeling about this….

(Concrite, Anna, Vanessa and R.D exit the study. The lights slightly dim on stage, but then brighten up when Nichole Croft begins sneaking into the study)

Nichole: (Pulls out her recording device and begins to speak into it) Things have taken a turn for the worse. Not only has the Ark been elusive to me thus far, but it appears that someone has decided to begin a killing spree on the grounds. (Looks around at Blake and Heath)

(A black figure is suddenly seen sneaking into the study from outside of the window while Nichole is talking. The figure quietly walks up behind her)

Nichole: I must act with haste. It’s only a matter of time before I fall victim to this psychopath myself. Further, one of the guests is Chris Spencer, the person responsible for all of the fake walls around this place, the fake walls that the killer is using to move around so quickly and quietly with. Perhaps Chris is behind all of this? Maybe I should corner the little villain and use my…. (The black-clad figure hits her in the back of her head, causing Nichole to pass out)

(The black figure freezes over Nichole’s limp body and Bobo walks out)


Bobo: Hello all, Bobo Grimm here again. This time I’d like to talk to you about the Ark of the Covenant, which is what Nichole has been referring to the couple of times you’ve seen her. For those of you who don’t know, the Ark of the Covenant is said to be the resting place for the Ten Commandments. It is a holy container that Moses made for God after a prophetic vision. Many see it as a religious icon, a cradle for the Commandments, which no mortal man could ever lay their eyes upon. However, many believe it to be a box possessing supernatural abilities, granting invincibility and godliness to whoever holds it. (Takes on a joking demeanor) Personally, I think it’s all nonsense. I couldn’t risk being wrong though, which is why I took the Ark from Nichole once we recovered it from the Nazis. She had revealed to me a plot to overthrow the world and make herself “Czar Croft”. I know, it’s a little convoluted, but just bear with me. Soon after I thwarted her, I made it appear that my good friend Dr. Jones had recovered the Ark from the Nazis and was now in possession of it. She didn’t buy the last part of the story though, which is why she’s come to my estate to find the box tonight. The only problem with that is (Looks behind him at Nichole incapacitated on the ground) I think she’s bitten off a little bit more than she can chew. (Looks blankly at the audience and crosses his arms. He continues to stare at the audience and then begins to nod his head. Soon after that, he departs, with the scene continuing from where it left off)

(The black figure quickly looks for something to carry the body away in. The only thing they can find he can find is a white sheet, which he throws over Nichole. He prepares to drag her off, but hears the sound of Wedge and Biggs bickering offstage. The figure disappears out of the regular entrance to the study. Both Wedge and Biggs begin to argue about their fear of heights)

Wedge: (Appears walking on the outside ledge of the window) This was a horrible idea, Biggs! I can’t believe I let you talk me into this!

Biggs: (Appears walking on the ledge next to Wedge) Well excuse me princess! I thought we’d find some ghosts out here!

Wedge: Why would there be ghosts on a ledge?! This is one of the dumbest ideas you’ve ever had!

Biggs: This was a brilliant idea, you’re just jealous you didn’t think about it. Stop getting your…. (Begins to fall of the ledge)

Wedge: (Grabs Biggs’ back and pushes him back up to keep his balance. They both then continue to cling to the window while walking on the ledge) If we make it out of this alive, remind me to kill you.

Biggs: (Suddenly looks into the study) Let’s hope someone doesn’t beat you to the punch, look. (Signals towards the inside of the study)

Wedge: (Looks into the study to see the dead bodies of Heath and Blake. He hesitates for a second and then asks…) Is that a fork sticking out of that guy’s back?

Biggs: I believe it is, Wedge.

Wedge: Hmm, I’m surprised.

Biggs: At what?

Wedge: Well, he’s a good looking bloke. (Fights back mild laughter) You’d figure someone would rather (Inflects “spoon”) spoon with him more than anything else. (Laughs out loud)

Biggs: You should just never speak again. That’s a judgment call and I’m making it.

Wedge: Oh shut up, it was funny. (Looking to the ledge and out into the gorge) Let’s go, we still have work to do.

Biggs: (Speaks as they both begin to walk offstage from the ledge, repeats Concrite’s line) I don’t know, Wedge. I’ve got a bad feeling about this….

(The lights dim as both men walk offstage)

End of Act 2