Pandorum

Okay kiddies, here's the sitch, I went to an advanced screening of the film "Pandorum" late last week, but I've been so busy working on my script that this is the first time I've blogged in almost a week. I know, I know, how dare I leave my loving public for such a long period of time. Even more so, how dare I blog about going to an advanced screening when the film is now officially in theaters. It's okay though, I'm here now and I can finally give you all my review of the film. Here we go!

When I first saw a preview for "Pandorum", I saw what everyone else saw - "Dead Space". Seriously, the commercials portrayed the movie like it was a direct rip off of the video game "Dead Space". However, this was a very misleading tactic by the film makers, most likely trying to use that as a way to draw in an audience. Well you sly tigers you, that's what did me in and peaked my curiosity.

I knew one minute into the film I was going to be dealing with either a sci-fi thriller or a complete debacle. Five minutes into the film I knew I was dealing with the latter. You can tell you're in for a real treat when the actual dialogue that sets the film in motion sounds a lot like follows; "I don't remember who I am, but I know who I am, even though I can't remember who I am, but I have this tattoo to help me remember who I am, but I can't remember what the tattoo means, but I now remember what it stands for, even though I just forgot, but I know who I am because I remembered that one time I forgot that thing that I remembered that I forgot." Take a moment to review that a few times and you'll become as baffled as I am, because that's about the extent of the dialogue that was used to begin our story arc. With that, I had hoped the movie would only get better. Sadly, I should've seen the downfall coming.

The movie continued to become more ridiculous, throwing cheap gore moments at the audience in hopes of getting a response, but this tactic was laughable at best. When we weren't staring at gooey space skulls or people being hung from traps, we were being shown what I can only describe as alien zombies. Yes, alien zombies. Well, that's what the people online are calling them anyways. The creatures have advanced speed, incredible strength and the appearance of Gollum, which trust me, is not a flattering look for anyone. Not only that, but it took easily three normal people using all of their combined abilities to merely kill one of these "advanced" monsters. Although, the film soon contradicts itself when the powerhouse of the human group fights the "tribal leader" of your alien antagonists in a one on one match to the death.

Speaking of the powerhouse in the group, he speaks a completely different language than that of everyone else he's around. I don't know if he's using an actual language from the planet Earth, a varied form of the alien dialect, or if he's just trying to eat his own tongue, but no one can understand him. Don't worry though, the writers soon cover up this problem by just simply forgetting about. Without explanation or some sort of deciphering device, everyone is kosher and completely able to understand one another. This is where I really looked at the screen and went "Excuse me, what exactly is going on?" Believe me though, it gets worse.

The leader of the human group, who is on his way to turn back on some sort of reactor, even though he forgot how to flip the "on" switch, begins to explain why he originally joined this now fatal space mission. He gives us this sad story about how he joined the "space army" and asked his wife to come with him aboard the ship he'd be departing on. To his dismay, she declines and leaves him. I know, sad, right? Don't worry, the guy quickly perks himself up by joining the "space army".... Wait, what? Isn't that what caused him and his wife to become estranged, him joining with the intergalactic militia? My head is officially spinning at this point in the theater.

To help cure what seems like fifty-five and a half bad movie ideas combined, the director gives us odd camera angles, gory sequences that really have no relevance to the now dwindling plot, and flashy scenes that are meant to capture the audience's attention. Luckily, this takes us to the end of the film.

Without giving much away, I'll tell you this - the ending was predictable, the acting couldn't get much worse than that in an elementary school play, and the film is left riddled with plotholes that I can only say are possibly there to imply the potential for a sequel. If there is a God or some sort of higher power, I can only pray that they'll stop any attempts at this spinning off into another film.

Lastly, the big punchline for the film, but they give it away almost immediately, is that "Pandorum" is like a space form of cabin fever, causing all sorts of not-so-nifty side affects. Paranoia, sweating, twitching, blurred vision, and complete stupidity appear to be some of the more prominent side affects of this lackluster "disease". Keeping that in mind, I left the theater with blurred vision, sweating and a feeling of what I describe as a hammer bashing in my brains. I hope that means I'm suffering from "Pandorum", and that I'll soon die in a horribly outrageous way that will allow me to forget whatever attempt at film making this movie was.

Oh, but the special effects were kind of entertaining. Just sayin'.