Here is an excerpt from my play "Ichabod's Hollow", which will be performed by the students of West Phoenix High School at the beginning of December. The story has thus far been narrated from the present, and this scene introduces us to the infamous eccentric, Ichabod Crane.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Professor Shubert, where’s Ichabod Crane? I asked to see him over twenty minutes ago!
(Professor Shubert enters hastily with Ichabod Crane)
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
Here he is, sir. I’m sorry it took so long, but I had to track him down all the way to the women’s quarters.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
And why was young Crane in the women’s quarters?
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
He says he was there in search of-
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
That’s enough, Professor Shubert. You may go now.
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
But-
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Thank you, professor.
(Professor Shubert prepares to argue, but immediately stops)
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
You’re very welcome, headmaster.
(Professor Shubert leaves)
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Now Ichabod, I’m going to ask you a very serious question, and I want an honest answer. Were you in the women’s quarters investigating more supernatural occurrences, or have you finally set your sights on the most dangerous creature known to man; the woman?
ICHABOD:
I was investigating a possible ghoul infestation, which could prove fatal to the entire student body…
(Headmaster Johnson sighs and shakes his head slightly)
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Ichabod…
ICHABOD:
Hear me out, headmaster! I have undeniable proof that there is a nest of ghouls living right under the women’s dormitory. All I need to do is pull up the floorboards and-
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
I don’t want to hear it, Ichabod.
ICHABOD:
Headmaster Johnson, please! I must get into the floor and sprinkle some concentrated acid as to repel and destroy these creatures before their infestation affects the very fabric of this university!
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
I think you should concentrate your efforts more towards the performing arts than combating monsters, wouldn’t you agree?
ICHABOD:
Sir?
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Your melodrama is quite entertaining.
ICHABOD:
Jokes? Amusement? Your cavalier attitude will be the downfall of this place!
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Ichabod, let me worry about the university. I’d like you to turn your attention elsewhere.
ICHABOD:
And where would that be, headmaster? Scrubbing clean the privies? Tending the garden? Or perhaps you’d like me to clean the dung from the stables?
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Actually, I’d like you to investigate murder.
ICHABOD:
Murder?!
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
There is a village not far from here called Tarry Town. Are you familiar with it?
(Ichabod shakes his head “no”)
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Just beyond it lies a glen called Sleepy Hollow. The university actually gets a lot of its exports from there; clothes, bedding, what have you.
There was a report of a murder last week in Sleepy Hollow, soon followed by complete silence from the town. I’d like you to go investigate the situation.
ICHABOD:
But Headmaster Johnson, I don’t see why I’d be an appropriate candidate to do this. Surely there are more capable persons for such things.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
On any other day I’d completely agree with you. But alas, you happen to be the absolute best person for the job, solely for the fact the murder was committed by an apparition.
ICHABOD:
I beg your pardon?
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Yes, Ichabod, a ghost is the culprit. And with your background in the mysterious and occult, as well as being an educated individual, you are who I’m sending to inspect this wild claim. All the information you need to know about the murder and your contact in Sleepy Hollow is available in these papers. Please feel free to read through them on the ride over there. Your coach will be departing in twenty minutes.
ICHABOD:
You’re sending me today? That’s hardly enough time to prep my research for transport, nor is it adequate time to obtain the appropriate supplies I’ll need to tackle a spirit. Headmaster, I must object…
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Ichabod, your father sent you here because your taste for the unexplained was interfering with the rest of the household. Your father even donated a large sum of money as to keep your eccentricities appeased while here. I am now giving you the ability to explore your passion without restraint, I pray you won’t throw the opportunity away.
(Professor Shubert enters with Alexander Masbeth)
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
What is it, professor?
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
Your favorite student, Alexander Masbeth.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
What’s he done now?
ALEXANDER:
I’m standing in the same room as everyone, this means I can speak for myself.
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
Quiet you! Mr. Masbeth here was caught frolicking uncleanly with the Lady Timbleton.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Lady Timbleton? This is some sort of jest, is it not?
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
Sadly, it is not, headmaster.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Alexander, we have spoken about this! Does your lechery know no bounds?
ALEXANDER:
What do you want me to say, headmaster? Lady Timbleton approached me about dissatisfaction with the owner of her womanhood. I merely offered her consoling.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Consoling does not mean a tumble in the hay around the backside of the stables! Hell’s horses, man, her husband is currently the richest benefactor this university has!
ALEXANDER:
Your point being?
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
My point being? You arrogant ponce, I should throw you out of this institution for such brashness… Or something much more punitive…
ALEXANDER:
You wouldn’t? Even for you that would be out of line. How could I go on living without my manhood?!
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Calm down, young Masbeth. Time and your insatiable hunger for the female anatomy will eat away at that part of you. No, what I have in mind for you is to accompany Mr. Crane here to Sleepy Hollow.
ALEXANDER:
I’m flattered, but I leave the male-to-male relations with Shakespeare.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Is your mind never in such a perverted place? Bah! Ichabod, take him to your quarters and prepare for departure. You can brief him on the situation once you make way with the coach.
ICHABOD:
But headmaster-
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Go, Ichabod. This is not up for discussion any further.
(Ichabod prepares to exit with Alexander)
ALEXANDER:
Hey, do you happen to have a sister I can say hello to before we leave?
ICHABOD:
Bah!
(Ichabod and Alexander leave the room)
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
You’re sending Ichabod to the Hollow?
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Yes.
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
But what if he learns the truth?
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
That’s the whole point, Professor Shubert. I’ve spoken to his father and this is what he wants. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work.
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
Of course.
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
By the way, professor, could you make a visit to the women’s dormitory? I need you to sprinkle some concentrated acid about the place.
PROFESSOR SHUBERT:
So Ichabod was right about the infestation?
HEADMASTER JOHNSON:
Has he been wrong so far in his discoveries of this place?
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Fine Print (draft two)
Here's my newest version of "Fine Print". There's a different twist at the end, so let me know how it works compared to the original. (Keep in mind that the proper script format can't transfer over properly onto blogger, hence why some parts look weird or jumbled together)
Fine Print
Written by: Michael T. Flanders
Setting: Two men are in a dimly lit bomb shelter, fending off the imposing apocalypse through conversation. John has just revealed a truth to Charlie. They begin to speak after a crashing explosion outside jostles the bunker.
(Lights up)
JOHN:
I’m sorry.
CHARLIE:
You’re sorry?!
JOHN:
What else do you want me to say? What else can be said?
CHARLIE:
I’m sure you can muster up something better than a half-assed apology. Don’t you understand what you’re telling me, what you did?
JOHN:
Yes Charlie, I’m well aware of what I did, and I’d take it all back if I could…
CHARLIE:
No, I don’t think you grasp the severity of the situation here. You ended the world! A simple apology ain’t going to cut it.
JOHN:
Then what do you want me to say, huh? Obviously you’re an expert on this shit! Just tell me what you want to hear and I’ll say it!
CHARLIE:
I don’t know what I want to hear, John! It’s not everyday my best friend tells me he nuked the planet! Excuse me for not having cue cards or pre-designated answers when this comes up in idle conversation.
JOHN:
Oh yeah, I nuked the fucking planet, that’s exactly what I did. I woke up yesterday morning and went over my things to do for the day; fold laundry, go grocery shopping, end the world. Your melodrama sickens me.
CHARLIE:
My melodrama? Your snarky ass is the one sitting there making light of the situation through buckets of the stuff.
JOHN:
I know, Charlie. I know. It’s just… It’s hard. I mean, one day I’m going to work, mowing the lawn, and having drinks at the bar. The next day I’m bludgeoning to death someone who’s been dead for years. Hell, the next day I’m hiding out in a bomb shelter as to avoid the next blast wave of fire and brimstone.
(Charlie Chuckles)
JOHN:
What’s so funny?
CHARLIE:
Who knew Revelations would’ve been so on the ball, right?
JOHN:
What do you mean?
CHARLIE:
Corinthians 15:52 – “In the moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump; for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.”
JOHN:
You know the Bible? I never took you as a religious person.
CHARLIE:
I’m not, but my folks made me go to church when I was younger. Although it was against what I wanted, I made the best of the situation. I found Revelations while I was there and immediately fell in love with it. God was smiting some major ass, and it played out like an intense end-all horror flick. I just never thought I’d be living it.
JOHN:
Welcome to my nightmare.
CHARLIE:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here’s the one thing I don’t get though-
JOHN:
The one thing?!
CHARLIE:
You say you sold your soul, right?
JOHN:
Yes.
CHARLIE:
And then right after that is when all of this stuff started happening?
JOHN:
Pretty much.
CHARLIE:
Then how do you know they’re connected? How do you know if you even sold your soul?
JOHN:
Charlie, you know me. Do I seem like the type of guy to buy into BS like that? I… I can’t explain it properly. All I know is I felt completely different after I made the deal, like a part of me was missing. As for how I know they’re connected, well…
CHARLIE:
Yeah?
JOHN:
The Devil told me they were.
CHARLIE:
Wait, what? The Devil? As in THE Devil? Beezelbub, the Prince of Darkness, the Fallen Angel, Lucifer?
JOHN:
The one and only.
CHARLIE:
Well, what happened then? He bet a fiddle of gold against your soul and you lost, then to top it off he decided to throw an apocalypse party in celebration?
JOHN:
No, it’s not like that! I have no clue how this shit works, Charlie! I’m just going off of what he said after we shook on the deal.
CHARLIE:
Then what’s it like?! Tell me how you selling your soul just so happened to screw over humanity!
JOHN:
I don’t fucking know! I asked for something, didn’t get it, and this was the outcome, that’s it! Okay, are you happy? Is that an answer that suffices?
CHARLIE:
Of course it’s not an answer that suffices!
JOHN:
Well too bad, that’s all I got.
(Pause)
CHARLIE:
What’d you ask for?
JOHN:
Pardon?
CHARLIE:
In exchange for your soul, what’d you ask for?
JOHN:
You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
CHARLIE:
You began this conversation by saying you started the apocalypse. Try me.
JOHN:
Charlie…
(John sighs)
How long have we known each other now, twenty-five years?
CHARLIE:
Give or take.
JOHN:
Has my life ever appeared… happy?
CHARLIE:
I don’t think it’s been a walk in the park, but you’ve had your ups and downs like everyone else.
JOHN:
What ups? Name one good thing that’s happened to me since you’ve known me!
CHARLIE:
What about Elizabeth?
JOHN:
You’re seriously going to bring her up?
CHARLIE:
Yeah, why not? I thought she was the love of your life?
JOHN:
She was… until I found out she was fucking the pool guy.
CHARLIE:
What?! She was fucking the pool guy? I thought you said you two split because she wanted kids and you didn’t?
JOHN:
Nope. That’s just what I told everyone. I didn’t want people to associate me with marrying an adulterous bitch.
CHARLIE:
Wow, man. I didn’t… I didn’t know. I’m sorry… Your life still isn’t that bad though. What about when you won the town lottery? That was fifty grand in your pocket, easy!
JOHN:
Yeah, and all of that went towards taxes and my second divorce with Nina, remember?
CHARLIE:
Oh yeah…
JOHN:
See, my life hasn’t exactly been peaches and cream.
CHARLIE:
But what about when you went on that cruise? You said it was fun.
JOHN:
The only fun part was when I was sleeping. That’s the only time I didn’t have to hear Cecilia’s annoying screech. She sounded worse than a pterodactyl in heat.
CHARLIE:
Come on, she wasn’t that bad.
JOHN:
You try screwing something that’s a mixture between Fran Drescher and a blender, then come talk to me.
CHARLIE:
Okay, then what about the time we were in Europe together? I seem to recall you being pretty happy there.
JOHN:
Europe was a fun time… Until I got home and found out that Italian chick Ramona gave me the Clap.
CHARLIE:
John, do you notice that you pin all of your misfortunes on chicks? You can’t seem to find happiness outside ‘em, yet you can’t seem to find happiness with ‘em either.
JOHN:
It is what it is, Charlie.
CHARLIE:
Fine. So what does all this have to do with why you sold your soul?
JOHN:
Because all of this crap is the exact reason I sold my soul.
CHARLIE:
What do you mean?
JOHN:
Isn’t it obvious? I sold my soul for peace, for happiness. I sold my soul for one, true moment of absolute contentment.
CHARLIE:
You’re serious?
JOHN:
Deadly.
CHARLIE:
Wow…
JOHN:
Told you you wouldn’t believe me.
CHARLIE:
It’s not that. It’s just…Why not ask for millions of dollars, or loads of disease and screech free women? Why get just a moment of happiness?
JOHN:
I’m not greedy.
CHARLIE:
What? That doesn’t even make any sense.
JOHN:
Think of it like this; money can be spent and women can be fickle. A true moment of happiness however, can never be forgotten or taken away.
CHARLIE:
What about when you’re in Hell and you’re getting a pitchfork enema? Are you going to be happy then?
JOHN:
Probably not, but at least I’ll have the memory of that one time I was at peace with myself.
CHARLIE:
And this is what you asked the Devil for? You asked him for this one perfect moment?
JOHN:
Yes sir.
CHARLIE:
No offense, John, but that’s fucking stupid.
JOHN:
Why do you say that? Is it so wrong to just want a moment of peace?
CHARLIE:
It is when your head is so far up your ass that you can’t appreciate what you have.
JOHN:
What are you talking about? I have nothing. Jessica cleaned me out of every worldly possession I had left.
CHARLIE:
That’s what I’m talking about, man! You’ve got me! We’re best friends! Hell, I’d go so far as to say we’re brothers. I’ve stood by your side through thick and thin, but you’re too concerned with your head in the pussy clouds to even care.
JOHN:
I… I didn’t think-
CHARLIE:
You’re damn right you didn’t think! You were too busy being selfish, making it seem like the whole world revolved around you getting your dick wet. You didn’t stop to think about the little things, about our friendship. I’ve been with you for all these years. I was your best man at every single wedding, I fought with you in the Middle East, and this is the thanks I get?
JOHN:
Charlie, I-
CHARLIE:
Do I sound like I’m finished?! I have held your hand for years, FOR YEARS! But I am done. If you can’t respect our friendship enough to realize life isn’t all that bad or it doesn’t revolve around “worldly possessions”, then to Hell with you. And in this instance, I mean literally. You know why? Because you being an idiot hasn’t only screwed you over, it’s screwed me over too. Think about that after you’re done remembering your perfect moment.
JOHN:
I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t look at things that way. I just… I just wanted to be-
CHARLIE:
Happy, yeah, I got it.
JOHN:
Charlie, you know I value our friendship. There’s some things though, that a standard friendship can’t offer.
CHARLIE:
Yeah, like getting your rocks off. Jeez, you’re so fucking pathetic.
JOHN:
I’m pathetic for wanting to just be happy? Fuck you, Charlie! You don’t know the crap I go through daily!
CHARLIE:
The Hell I don’t! That’s what part of being a good friend is, acknowledging your friend’s pain and helping them cope with it.
JOHN:
Then help me cope now!
CHARLIE:
Why should I? You’ve dug yourself a hole with not wanting to appreciate what you have.
(Charlie snorts and shakes his head)
Scratch that, you dug everyone a hole with not wanting to appreciate what you have… And that includes me.
JOHN:
Then what do you want from me?! Another apology? Another explanation? Tell me what you want!
CHARLIE:
I want you to give a damn! I want you to grow up and stop acting like a child! I want you to actually-
(A knocking occurs on the bunker door. Charlie pauses)
CHARLIE:
What was that?
JOHN:
I don’t know. I think someone just knocked on the door…
CHARLIE:
Should we open it?
JOHN:
No. It could be one of those dead-heads out there. They could’ve tracked our scent.
(A muffled voice comes through the door)
LUCY:
Uh, could you let me in please?
CHARLIE:
We can definitely rule out the possibility of it being a dead-head.
JOHN:
Doesn’t matter. We should just ignore it. The person will go away soon.
CHARLIE:
But what if it’s a survivor? We can’t just let them die out there.
JOHN:
And what if when we open that door a swarm of those walking corpses ambushes us? No, it’s too risky.
(Lucy knocks on the door again and speaks with desperation)
LUCY:
Please, I just need refuge. I’ve been fighting for my life out here. Help me…
CHARLIE:
That’s it, I’m opening the door.
JOHN:
Charlie, don’t.
(Charlie opens the door, allowing Lucy to enter. He immediately shuts it after her entrance)
LUCY:
And they say chivalry’s dead! Thank you so much.
CHARLIE:
Not at all. My name’s Charlie, and this is John.
JOHN:
It’s a pleasure.
LUCY:
Ah yes, the man who was against my entry. How do you do?
JOHN:
You heard us talking?
LUCY:
Well, yeah. For a bomb shelter, this place doesn’t do itself justice for trapping sound.
CHARLIE:
As long as it protects us from what’s going on outside, I could care less.
LUCY:
I have to say I’m inclined to agree with you. Isn’t it nuts what’s going on? It’s like the end of the world out there.
JOHN:
Like the end of the world? No honey, it is the end of the world.
LUCY:
Excuse me?
CHARLIE:
This may come as a bit of a shock, Lucy, but John here is the cause of everything that’s going on. He A-Bombed the planet.
JOHN:
Great, back to melodrama…
LUCY:
Wait, you’re serious? You think you caused all this?
CHARLIE:
Oh, he doesn’t think it, he knows it. Isn’t that right?
JOHN:
Why are you telling her this crap? It’s none of her business.
LUCY:
So what, is this like your secret layer or something? Where you keep the warheads armed until it’s time for battle?
JOHN:
Don’t be stupid. Do I look like an evil genius or a comic book villain? Hell, I can barely work a microwave, let alone launch a bunch of nukes off.
LUCY:
Then how’d you do it?
JOHN:
Screw you, that’s how I did it.
CHARLIE:
Don’t mind him, Lucy. Not that it matters now, but he sold his soul to the Devil. Wouldn’t you know it though, the Devil didn’t hold up to his end of the deal. He took John’s soul and pushed play on Armageddon.
LUCY:
Wow.
JOHN:
What?
LUCY:
Nothing. It just seems like you got the short end of the stick.
(John looks at Lucy questionably)
JOHN:
Yeah, a bit… Tell you what though, the sky is falling, the oceans are boiling and you were just told something most people wouldn’t believe, yet you seem really calm about the situation.
LUCY:
Well, yeah, I suppose I am.
JOHN:
Any particular reason why?
LUCY:
None of what’s happening really applies to me.
CHARLIE:
Huh? Why doesn’t it apply to you?
LUCY:
Isn’t it obvious?
JOHN:
Ah shit.
CHARLIE:
No…? What, what’s wrong, John?
JOHN:
She’s the Devil.
(Charlie pauses, looking Lucy up and down)
CHARLIE:
Yeah, and I’m the pope. Anyone seen my funny hat around?
JOHN:
Look at her demeanor, at how relaxed she is even though everything around her is being destroyed. She’s too well adjusted for someone who just got told the world is ending.
CHARLIE:
Stop being ridiculous. She’s not the Devil.
JOHN:
You believed me when I told you I sold my soul, why can’t you believe she’s Lucifer?
CHARLIE:
Because you said it yourself, you sold your soul to a guy. Even the Bible has Satan cast as a guy. Call me crazy, but unless she’s packing a “concealed weapon” under that skirt, I’d say she’s a chick.
LUCY:
Ugh, the Bible. How I loathe what it gets wrong… As for why I was a guy before, well, John doesn’t really have a good track record with women, so I had to take on a visage he’d be more comfortable to sell his soul to.
CHARLIE:
Oh jeez, not you too. Don’t encourage John’s BS-
LUCY:
Let’s get something straight, Charlie, the Bible is just a book. On top of that, it’s a book written by men. Do you really think they wanted everyone to know that the Devil was a woman? It would’ve made a lot more sense in hindsight though. After all, men make that comparison almost daily now.
CHARLIE:
No, I don’t buy it. You’re not Satan, and Satan wasn’t a chick.
LUCY:
Is it so startling that Lucifer is actually Lucifette? Get with the times. If a woman can vote, a woman can be your anti-Christ.
JOHN:
Great, Satan’s a feminist…
LUCY:
Oh John, don’t get your manpon ruffled just because you’re unhappy with your deal.
JOHN:
Cut the shit and give me back my soul.
LUCY:
Excuse me?
JOHN:
You heard me. Give me my soul back, bitch.
LUCY:
Tough words for a little man. What if I don’t want to give it back?
CHARLIE:
Lucy, don’t feed into this. John is just-
JOHN:
Then I’ll take it back.
(John discretely reaches into his pocket and palms a pocket knife)
LUCY:
Oh? How do you plan to do that?
CHARLIE:
John, Lucy, just take a deep breath. Everything’s-
JOHN:
Like this.
(John pulls out his knife and stabs Lucy in the heart. She grips the hilt, clutching it to her chest, and falls to the ground)
CHARLIE:
John! What the Hell do you think you’re doing?! You just killed her!
JOHN:
No, I killed the Devil.
CHARLIE:
No, you didn’t! You killed an innocent young woman! She may have-
(Suddenly Lucy comes back to life, pulls the knife out of her chest and uses a supernatural force to grip John’s throat. She holds the knife towards Charlie)
CHARLIE:
What the fuck?!
LUCY:
Seriously, John? Seriously?! I’m the fucking Devil and you think you can take me out with a little pig poker like this. That’s about as stupid as attacking an elephant with a thumb tack, you idiot. Now look, you ruined my blouse. This was my favorite blouse too-
CHARLIE:
You… You’re… You’re the Devil!?
LUCY:
Yeah, thanks for the news flash, Einstein.
(John speaks through his strangulation)
JOHN:
Let me go. You have no right.
LUCY:
No right?! You sold your soul to me, then tried to kill me to get it back. I think I have every right in the world.
JOHN:
But you welched on our deal! You started the apocalypse!
LUCY:
I didn’t welch on anything. I started the apocalypse so you’d get your moment of happiness through self-realization, not through some magical Valium.
JOHN:
That’s not what I asked for!
LUCY:
Too bad. It’s not my fault you gave me a blank slate to work with. The Devil’s in the details, I’m afraid.
CHARLIE:
I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. This is all a dream, just a really bad dream…
LUCY:
Charlie, stop your rambling. You’re making an ass out of yourself. I’d hate to gut you for being too annoying.
JOHN:
Leave him alone. This is between you and me.
LUCY:
Actually bucko, this is between you and every single soul you damned on this planet with your selfishness. Sadly, Charlie falls into that category.
JOHN:
You bitch. You sneaky, undermining, lying bitch.
LUCY:
Ouch, if words could kill, John-
JOHN:
If you only knew.
LUCY:
…then they’d still be as worthless as this little butter knife you tried to take me out with. I hate to break it to you, but there’s only three things in all of creation that can destroy me. A pocket knife isn’t one of ‘em.
CHARLIE:
Why… Why’d you do all this? Why didn’t you just take his soul and be done with it?
LUCY:
Because I’m an opportunist, Charlie. I saw an opening to stick it to my dad, and I took it.
CHARLIE:
Your dad? You mean God?
LUCY:
Of course. I told him from the start you humans were flawed, but did he listen? No. Instead, he chose to banish me downstairs for an eternal time out. Everything I’m doing now is justified.
JOHN:
Oh god, another chick with daddy issues…
(Lucy grips John’s throat tighter, causing him to squirm in protest)
LUCY:
Watch your tone. I’m not some teeny bopper who became a stripper because of an absent father. I am the harbinger of damnation.
JOHN:
If I had a nickel for every chick who said that-
(Lucy tightens her hold)
LUCY:
You just don’t know when to quit, huh? Maybe it’s time to send you down under, see if you’re still full of quips when the flesh is being peeled from your face…
(Lucy prepares to kill John, but is struck with a thought)
Or we could always go with what’s behind door number two… Charlie, how are you feeling right now?
CHARLIE:
How should I be feeling?! I’m fucking terrified!
LUCY:
Beyond that. Wouldn’t you say you’re a little… mad?
CHARLIE:
Mad?
LUCY:
Well yeah. After all, your friend here destroyed the planet with his selfishness. If he had just opened up to you and worried less about getting his leg over with women, none of this would be happening. Doesn’t that make you angry?
CHARLIE:
I suppose, a bit-
LUCY:
Just a bit? Charlie, open your eyes. He ended the world and all he offered was a cheap apology. If I were you, I’d be furious.
JOHN:
Charlie, don’t listen to her-
CHARLIE:
Shut up, John!
(Lucy tightens her grip once more and takes on a sly tone)
LUCY:
Yeah, shut up, John.
CHARLIE:
So what are you getting at?
LUCY:
What I’m getting at is this: You two were supposed to be friends, but he did nothing except treat you like another person in passing. You’ve been by his side for what some would consider a lifetime, yet he didn’t even have the courtesy to ask you for help, and look what happened. John took matters into his own hands, destroying the world in the process. How would you like to put things right?
CHARLIE:
What do you mean?
LUCY:
I’m talking about a ceasefire on Armageddon. No more reanimated corpses walking around, the sky will stop falling, everything will go back to the way it was. I’ll even cut you a deal too, it’ll only cost you your soul.
CHARLIE:
My soul, is that all?! Get bent!
LUCY:
Charlie, don’t be so hasty. I’m offering you the chance of a lifetime here! You get to be the savior of the human race! Parades will be thrown in your honor, statues will be built to worship you, kids will want to be you for Halloween. The merchandising alone should be enough to hook, line and sink this deal.
CHARLIE:
How do I know this isn’t a trick?
LUCY:
Trust me, Charlie, this is no trick. But there is a catch…
CHARLIE:
I knew it!
LUCY:
Hold your water, it’s nothing like that. The only way to fix all of this, to end the apocalypse, is to kill the one who started it.
CHARLIE:
So I have to kill you?
LUCY:
No. You have to kill John. So in reality, you’re not selling your soul for everything to be fixed, you’re selling your soul for this nifty little knife of his…
(Lucy hands Charlie the knife)
CHARLIE:
(Charlie chuckles when looking at the knife)
I remember giving you this knife when we were teenagers. I didn’t even know you still carried it…
JOHN:
Charlie, don’t do this. We can fix this. We’re friends, she’s just trying to-
CHARLIE:
We’re friends?
JOHN:
Yes, don’t let her trick you into something you don’t want to do.
CHARLIE:
Almost all my life you were the only person I could go to with my problems, the only person I could go to when I needed help… How come you never gave me the same respect?
JOHN:
I don’t know, Charlie. I’m just not built that way I guess. But please, don’t let her lead you around by the nose, she’s just trying to get you to do her bidding.
CHARLIE:
We’ve been through so much together, so much… Truth be told though, I’m tired. I’m tired of putting up with your stupidity. I’m tired of dealing with your arrogance. Most of all, I’m tired of dealing with your selfishness…
LUCY:
Just say we have a deal and he’s all yours…
CHARLIE:
(Charlie hesitates)
We have a deal.
(Lucy throws John towards Charlie)
JOHN:
Charlie, please. I’m sorry! You’re my best friend. Don’t do this!
CHARLIE:
It’s too late… You brought this upon yourself.
(Charlie attacks John. A scuffle ensues where John inadvertently causes Charlie to stab himself, killing him)
JOHN:
Charlie?! Charlie?! No, no, wake up, get up, Charlie! Charlie!
LUCY:
I’d say he’s deader than a door nail, my friend.
JOHN:
Fuck you!
(John pulls the knife from Charlie, repeatedly stabbing Lucy)
LUCY:
We’ve been over this, John…
(Lucy smacks the knife out of John’s hand)
I’m way above the being-stabbed-to-death pay grade.
JOHN:
You… You made him attack me… Made me kill him…
LUCY:
I didn’t make him do anything. All I did was barely nudge him in a direction. He’s the one who ran that way full speed.
JOHN:
Full speed into Hell.
LUCY:
Yep, same as you. Not to worry though, you’ll be seeing each other again soon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get going.
JOHN:
What, have more people to go screw over? Other planets to destroy?
LUCY:
Well, aren’t you just a glass half empty.
JOHN:
Kinda have to be when you’ve just killed your best friend.
LUCY:
And you said Charlie was the melodramatic one…
JOHN:
Just kill me, kill me now… I deserve it.
LUCY:
I was going to give you another few years, but if that’s what you really want... Before I do though, I have a question. You destroyed the world and killed your surrogate brother, was your moment of happiness worth it?
(John remains silent)
LUCY:
Say hi to Charlie for me.
(Lucy snaps her fingers. John falls over, lifeless)
LUCY:
(To no one in particular)
I told you this would happen. I told you these hairless monkeys would destroy themselves. Isn’t this enough, or do you need more proof?
(Lucy waits for a reply)
Fine, I guess it’s time to raise a little more Hell…
(Lucy looks at the two bodies on the ground, then slowly walks to the door. She opens it nonchalantly and exits. Fade to black)
Fine Print
Written by: Michael T. Flanders
Setting: Two men are in a dimly lit bomb shelter, fending off the imposing apocalypse through conversation. John has just revealed a truth to Charlie. They begin to speak after a crashing explosion outside jostles the bunker.
(Lights up)
JOHN:
I’m sorry.
CHARLIE:
You’re sorry?!
JOHN:
What else do you want me to say? What else can be said?
CHARLIE:
I’m sure you can muster up something better than a half-assed apology. Don’t you understand what you’re telling me, what you did?
JOHN:
Yes Charlie, I’m well aware of what I did, and I’d take it all back if I could…
CHARLIE:
No, I don’t think you grasp the severity of the situation here. You ended the world! A simple apology ain’t going to cut it.
JOHN:
Then what do you want me to say, huh? Obviously you’re an expert on this shit! Just tell me what you want to hear and I’ll say it!
CHARLIE:
I don’t know what I want to hear, John! It’s not everyday my best friend tells me he nuked the planet! Excuse me for not having cue cards or pre-designated answers when this comes up in idle conversation.
JOHN:
Oh yeah, I nuked the fucking planet, that’s exactly what I did. I woke up yesterday morning and went over my things to do for the day; fold laundry, go grocery shopping, end the world. Your melodrama sickens me.
CHARLIE:
My melodrama? Your snarky ass is the one sitting there making light of the situation through buckets of the stuff.
JOHN:
I know, Charlie. I know. It’s just… It’s hard. I mean, one day I’m going to work, mowing the lawn, and having drinks at the bar. The next day I’m bludgeoning to death someone who’s been dead for years. Hell, the next day I’m hiding out in a bomb shelter as to avoid the next blast wave of fire and brimstone.
(Charlie Chuckles)
JOHN:
What’s so funny?
CHARLIE:
Who knew Revelations would’ve been so on the ball, right?
JOHN:
What do you mean?
CHARLIE:
Corinthians 15:52 – “In the moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump; for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.”
JOHN:
You know the Bible? I never took you as a religious person.
CHARLIE:
I’m not, but my folks made me go to church when I was younger. Although it was against what I wanted, I made the best of the situation. I found Revelations while I was there and immediately fell in love with it. God was smiting some major ass, and it played out like an intense end-all horror flick. I just never thought I’d be living it.
JOHN:
Welcome to my nightmare.
CHARLIE:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here’s the one thing I don’t get though-
JOHN:
The one thing?!
CHARLIE:
You say you sold your soul, right?
JOHN:
Yes.
CHARLIE:
And then right after that is when all of this stuff started happening?
JOHN:
Pretty much.
CHARLIE:
Then how do you know they’re connected? How do you know if you even sold your soul?
JOHN:
Charlie, you know me. Do I seem like the type of guy to buy into BS like that? I… I can’t explain it properly. All I know is I felt completely different after I made the deal, like a part of me was missing. As for how I know they’re connected, well…
CHARLIE:
Yeah?
JOHN:
The Devil told me they were.
CHARLIE:
Wait, what? The Devil? As in THE Devil? Beezelbub, the Prince of Darkness, the Fallen Angel, Lucifer?
JOHN:
The one and only.
CHARLIE:
Well, what happened then? He bet a fiddle of gold against your soul and you lost, then to top it off he decided to throw an apocalypse party in celebration?
JOHN:
No, it’s not like that! I have no clue how this shit works, Charlie! I’m just going off of what he said after we shook on the deal.
CHARLIE:
Then what’s it like?! Tell me how you selling your soul just so happened to screw over humanity!
JOHN:
I don’t fucking know! I asked for something, didn’t get it, and this was the outcome, that’s it! Okay, are you happy? Is that an answer that suffices?
CHARLIE:
Of course it’s not an answer that suffices!
JOHN:
Well too bad, that’s all I got.
(Pause)
CHARLIE:
What’d you ask for?
JOHN:
Pardon?
CHARLIE:
In exchange for your soul, what’d you ask for?
JOHN:
You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
CHARLIE:
You began this conversation by saying you started the apocalypse. Try me.
JOHN:
Charlie…
(John sighs)
How long have we known each other now, twenty-five years?
CHARLIE:
Give or take.
JOHN:
Has my life ever appeared… happy?
CHARLIE:
I don’t think it’s been a walk in the park, but you’ve had your ups and downs like everyone else.
JOHN:
What ups? Name one good thing that’s happened to me since you’ve known me!
CHARLIE:
What about Elizabeth?
JOHN:
You’re seriously going to bring her up?
CHARLIE:
Yeah, why not? I thought she was the love of your life?
JOHN:
She was… until I found out she was fucking the pool guy.
CHARLIE:
What?! She was fucking the pool guy? I thought you said you two split because she wanted kids and you didn’t?
JOHN:
Nope. That’s just what I told everyone. I didn’t want people to associate me with marrying an adulterous bitch.
CHARLIE:
Wow, man. I didn’t… I didn’t know. I’m sorry… Your life still isn’t that bad though. What about when you won the town lottery? That was fifty grand in your pocket, easy!
JOHN:
Yeah, and all of that went towards taxes and my second divorce with Nina, remember?
CHARLIE:
Oh yeah…
JOHN:
See, my life hasn’t exactly been peaches and cream.
CHARLIE:
But what about when you went on that cruise? You said it was fun.
JOHN:
The only fun part was when I was sleeping. That’s the only time I didn’t have to hear Cecilia’s annoying screech. She sounded worse than a pterodactyl in heat.
CHARLIE:
Come on, she wasn’t that bad.
JOHN:
You try screwing something that’s a mixture between Fran Drescher and a blender, then come talk to me.
CHARLIE:
Okay, then what about the time we were in Europe together? I seem to recall you being pretty happy there.
JOHN:
Europe was a fun time… Until I got home and found out that Italian chick Ramona gave me the Clap.
CHARLIE:
John, do you notice that you pin all of your misfortunes on chicks? You can’t seem to find happiness outside ‘em, yet you can’t seem to find happiness with ‘em either.
JOHN:
It is what it is, Charlie.
CHARLIE:
Fine. So what does all this have to do with why you sold your soul?
JOHN:
Because all of this crap is the exact reason I sold my soul.
CHARLIE:
What do you mean?
JOHN:
Isn’t it obvious? I sold my soul for peace, for happiness. I sold my soul for one, true moment of absolute contentment.
CHARLIE:
You’re serious?
JOHN:
Deadly.
CHARLIE:
Wow…
JOHN:
Told you you wouldn’t believe me.
CHARLIE:
It’s not that. It’s just…Why not ask for millions of dollars, or loads of disease and screech free women? Why get just a moment of happiness?
JOHN:
I’m not greedy.
CHARLIE:
What? That doesn’t even make any sense.
JOHN:
Think of it like this; money can be spent and women can be fickle. A true moment of happiness however, can never be forgotten or taken away.
CHARLIE:
What about when you’re in Hell and you’re getting a pitchfork enema? Are you going to be happy then?
JOHN:
Probably not, but at least I’ll have the memory of that one time I was at peace with myself.
CHARLIE:
And this is what you asked the Devil for? You asked him for this one perfect moment?
JOHN:
Yes sir.
CHARLIE:
No offense, John, but that’s fucking stupid.
JOHN:
Why do you say that? Is it so wrong to just want a moment of peace?
CHARLIE:
It is when your head is so far up your ass that you can’t appreciate what you have.
JOHN:
What are you talking about? I have nothing. Jessica cleaned me out of every worldly possession I had left.
CHARLIE:
That’s what I’m talking about, man! You’ve got me! We’re best friends! Hell, I’d go so far as to say we’re brothers. I’ve stood by your side through thick and thin, but you’re too concerned with your head in the pussy clouds to even care.
JOHN:
I… I didn’t think-
CHARLIE:
You’re damn right you didn’t think! You were too busy being selfish, making it seem like the whole world revolved around you getting your dick wet. You didn’t stop to think about the little things, about our friendship. I’ve been with you for all these years. I was your best man at every single wedding, I fought with you in the Middle East, and this is the thanks I get?
JOHN:
Charlie, I-
CHARLIE:
Do I sound like I’m finished?! I have held your hand for years, FOR YEARS! But I am done. If you can’t respect our friendship enough to realize life isn’t all that bad or it doesn’t revolve around “worldly possessions”, then to Hell with you. And in this instance, I mean literally. You know why? Because you being an idiot hasn’t only screwed you over, it’s screwed me over too. Think about that after you’re done remembering your perfect moment.
JOHN:
I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t look at things that way. I just… I just wanted to be-
CHARLIE:
Happy, yeah, I got it.
JOHN:
Charlie, you know I value our friendship. There’s some things though, that a standard friendship can’t offer.
CHARLIE:
Yeah, like getting your rocks off. Jeez, you’re so fucking pathetic.
JOHN:
I’m pathetic for wanting to just be happy? Fuck you, Charlie! You don’t know the crap I go through daily!
CHARLIE:
The Hell I don’t! That’s what part of being a good friend is, acknowledging your friend’s pain and helping them cope with it.
JOHN:
Then help me cope now!
CHARLIE:
Why should I? You’ve dug yourself a hole with not wanting to appreciate what you have.
(Charlie snorts and shakes his head)
Scratch that, you dug everyone a hole with not wanting to appreciate what you have… And that includes me.
JOHN:
Then what do you want from me?! Another apology? Another explanation? Tell me what you want!
CHARLIE:
I want you to give a damn! I want you to grow up and stop acting like a child! I want you to actually-
(A knocking occurs on the bunker door. Charlie pauses)
CHARLIE:
What was that?
JOHN:
I don’t know. I think someone just knocked on the door…
CHARLIE:
Should we open it?
JOHN:
No. It could be one of those dead-heads out there. They could’ve tracked our scent.
(A muffled voice comes through the door)
LUCY:
Uh, could you let me in please?
CHARLIE:
We can definitely rule out the possibility of it being a dead-head.
JOHN:
Doesn’t matter. We should just ignore it. The person will go away soon.
CHARLIE:
But what if it’s a survivor? We can’t just let them die out there.
JOHN:
And what if when we open that door a swarm of those walking corpses ambushes us? No, it’s too risky.
(Lucy knocks on the door again and speaks with desperation)
LUCY:
Please, I just need refuge. I’ve been fighting for my life out here. Help me…
CHARLIE:
That’s it, I’m opening the door.
JOHN:
Charlie, don’t.
(Charlie opens the door, allowing Lucy to enter. He immediately shuts it after her entrance)
LUCY:
And they say chivalry’s dead! Thank you so much.
CHARLIE:
Not at all. My name’s Charlie, and this is John.
JOHN:
It’s a pleasure.
LUCY:
Ah yes, the man who was against my entry. How do you do?
JOHN:
You heard us talking?
LUCY:
Well, yeah. For a bomb shelter, this place doesn’t do itself justice for trapping sound.
CHARLIE:
As long as it protects us from what’s going on outside, I could care less.
LUCY:
I have to say I’m inclined to agree with you. Isn’t it nuts what’s going on? It’s like the end of the world out there.
JOHN:
Like the end of the world? No honey, it is the end of the world.
LUCY:
Excuse me?
CHARLIE:
This may come as a bit of a shock, Lucy, but John here is the cause of everything that’s going on. He A-Bombed the planet.
JOHN:
Great, back to melodrama…
LUCY:
Wait, you’re serious? You think you caused all this?
CHARLIE:
Oh, he doesn’t think it, he knows it. Isn’t that right?
JOHN:
Why are you telling her this crap? It’s none of her business.
LUCY:
So what, is this like your secret layer or something? Where you keep the warheads armed until it’s time for battle?
JOHN:
Don’t be stupid. Do I look like an evil genius or a comic book villain? Hell, I can barely work a microwave, let alone launch a bunch of nukes off.
LUCY:
Then how’d you do it?
JOHN:
Screw you, that’s how I did it.
CHARLIE:
Don’t mind him, Lucy. Not that it matters now, but he sold his soul to the Devil. Wouldn’t you know it though, the Devil didn’t hold up to his end of the deal. He took John’s soul and pushed play on Armageddon.
LUCY:
Wow.
JOHN:
What?
LUCY:
Nothing. It just seems like you got the short end of the stick.
(John looks at Lucy questionably)
JOHN:
Yeah, a bit… Tell you what though, the sky is falling, the oceans are boiling and you were just told something most people wouldn’t believe, yet you seem really calm about the situation.
LUCY:
Well, yeah, I suppose I am.
JOHN:
Any particular reason why?
LUCY:
None of what’s happening really applies to me.
CHARLIE:
Huh? Why doesn’t it apply to you?
LUCY:
Isn’t it obvious?
JOHN:
Ah shit.
CHARLIE:
No…? What, what’s wrong, John?
JOHN:
She’s the Devil.
(Charlie pauses, looking Lucy up and down)
CHARLIE:
Yeah, and I’m the pope. Anyone seen my funny hat around?
JOHN:
Look at her demeanor, at how relaxed she is even though everything around her is being destroyed. She’s too well adjusted for someone who just got told the world is ending.
CHARLIE:
Stop being ridiculous. She’s not the Devil.
JOHN:
You believed me when I told you I sold my soul, why can’t you believe she’s Lucifer?
CHARLIE:
Because you said it yourself, you sold your soul to a guy. Even the Bible has Satan cast as a guy. Call me crazy, but unless she’s packing a “concealed weapon” under that skirt, I’d say she’s a chick.
LUCY:
Ugh, the Bible. How I loathe what it gets wrong… As for why I was a guy before, well, John doesn’t really have a good track record with women, so I had to take on a visage he’d be more comfortable to sell his soul to.
CHARLIE:
Oh jeez, not you too. Don’t encourage John’s BS-
LUCY:
Let’s get something straight, Charlie, the Bible is just a book. On top of that, it’s a book written by men. Do you really think they wanted everyone to know that the Devil was a woman? It would’ve made a lot more sense in hindsight though. After all, men make that comparison almost daily now.
CHARLIE:
No, I don’t buy it. You’re not Satan, and Satan wasn’t a chick.
LUCY:
Is it so startling that Lucifer is actually Lucifette? Get with the times. If a woman can vote, a woman can be your anti-Christ.
JOHN:
Great, Satan’s a feminist…
LUCY:
Oh John, don’t get your manpon ruffled just because you’re unhappy with your deal.
JOHN:
Cut the shit and give me back my soul.
LUCY:
Excuse me?
JOHN:
You heard me. Give me my soul back, bitch.
LUCY:
Tough words for a little man. What if I don’t want to give it back?
CHARLIE:
Lucy, don’t feed into this. John is just-
JOHN:
Then I’ll take it back.
(John discretely reaches into his pocket and palms a pocket knife)
LUCY:
Oh? How do you plan to do that?
CHARLIE:
John, Lucy, just take a deep breath. Everything’s-
JOHN:
Like this.
(John pulls out his knife and stabs Lucy in the heart. She grips the hilt, clutching it to her chest, and falls to the ground)
CHARLIE:
John! What the Hell do you think you’re doing?! You just killed her!
JOHN:
No, I killed the Devil.
CHARLIE:
No, you didn’t! You killed an innocent young woman! She may have-
(Suddenly Lucy comes back to life, pulls the knife out of her chest and uses a supernatural force to grip John’s throat. She holds the knife towards Charlie)
CHARLIE:
What the fuck?!
LUCY:
Seriously, John? Seriously?! I’m the fucking Devil and you think you can take me out with a little pig poker like this. That’s about as stupid as attacking an elephant with a thumb tack, you idiot. Now look, you ruined my blouse. This was my favorite blouse too-
CHARLIE:
You… You’re… You’re the Devil!?
LUCY:
Yeah, thanks for the news flash, Einstein.
(John speaks through his strangulation)
JOHN:
Let me go. You have no right.
LUCY:
No right?! You sold your soul to me, then tried to kill me to get it back. I think I have every right in the world.
JOHN:
But you welched on our deal! You started the apocalypse!
LUCY:
I didn’t welch on anything. I started the apocalypse so you’d get your moment of happiness through self-realization, not through some magical Valium.
JOHN:
That’s not what I asked for!
LUCY:
Too bad. It’s not my fault you gave me a blank slate to work with. The Devil’s in the details, I’m afraid.
CHARLIE:
I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. This is all a dream, just a really bad dream…
LUCY:
Charlie, stop your rambling. You’re making an ass out of yourself. I’d hate to gut you for being too annoying.
JOHN:
Leave him alone. This is between you and me.
LUCY:
Actually bucko, this is between you and every single soul you damned on this planet with your selfishness. Sadly, Charlie falls into that category.
JOHN:
You bitch. You sneaky, undermining, lying bitch.
LUCY:
Ouch, if words could kill, John-
JOHN:
If you only knew.
LUCY:
…then they’d still be as worthless as this little butter knife you tried to take me out with. I hate to break it to you, but there’s only three things in all of creation that can destroy me. A pocket knife isn’t one of ‘em.
CHARLIE:
Why… Why’d you do all this? Why didn’t you just take his soul and be done with it?
LUCY:
Because I’m an opportunist, Charlie. I saw an opening to stick it to my dad, and I took it.
CHARLIE:
Your dad? You mean God?
LUCY:
Of course. I told him from the start you humans were flawed, but did he listen? No. Instead, he chose to banish me downstairs for an eternal time out. Everything I’m doing now is justified.
JOHN:
Oh god, another chick with daddy issues…
(Lucy grips John’s throat tighter, causing him to squirm in protest)
LUCY:
Watch your tone. I’m not some teeny bopper who became a stripper because of an absent father. I am the harbinger of damnation.
JOHN:
If I had a nickel for every chick who said that-
(Lucy tightens her hold)
LUCY:
You just don’t know when to quit, huh? Maybe it’s time to send you down under, see if you’re still full of quips when the flesh is being peeled from your face…
(Lucy prepares to kill John, but is struck with a thought)
Or we could always go with what’s behind door number two… Charlie, how are you feeling right now?
CHARLIE:
How should I be feeling?! I’m fucking terrified!
LUCY:
Beyond that. Wouldn’t you say you’re a little… mad?
CHARLIE:
Mad?
LUCY:
Well yeah. After all, your friend here destroyed the planet with his selfishness. If he had just opened up to you and worried less about getting his leg over with women, none of this would be happening. Doesn’t that make you angry?
CHARLIE:
I suppose, a bit-
LUCY:
Just a bit? Charlie, open your eyes. He ended the world and all he offered was a cheap apology. If I were you, I’d be furious.
JOHN:
Charlie, don’t listen to her-
CHARLIE:
Shut up, John!
(Lucy tightens her grip once more and takes on a sly tone)
LUCY:
Yeah, shut up, John.
CHARLIE:
So what are you getting at?
LUCY:
What I’m getting at is this: You two were supposed to be friends, but he did nothing except treat you like another person in passing. You’ve been by his side for what some would consider a lifetime, yet he didn’t even have the courtesy to ask you for help, and look what happened. John took matters into his own hands, destroying the world in the process. How would you like to put things right?
CHARLIE:
What do you mean?
LUCY:
I’m talking about a ceasefire on Armageddon. No more reanimated corpses walking around, the sky will stop falling, everything will go back to the way it was. I’ll even cut you a deal too, it’ll only cost you your soul.
CHARLIE:
My soul, is that all?! Get bent!
LUCY:
Charlie, don’t be so hasty. I’m offering you the chance of a lifetime here! You get to be the savior of the human race! Parades will be thrown in your honor, statues will be built to worship you, kids will want to be you for Halloween. The merchandising alone should be enough to hook, line and sink this deal.
CHARLIE:
How do I know this isn’t a trick?
LUCY:
Trust me, Charlie, this is no trick. But there is a catch…
CHARLIE:
I knew it!
LUCY:
Hold your water, it’s nothing like that. The only way to fix all of this, to end the apocalypse, is to kill the one who started it.
CHARLIE:
So I have to kill you?
LUCY:
No. You have to kill John. So in reality, you’re not selling your soul for everything to be fixed, you’re selling your soul for this nifty little knife of his…
(Lucy hands Charlie the knife)
CHARLIE:
(Charlie chuckles when looking at the knife)
I remember giving you this knife when we were teenagers. I didn’t even know you still carried it…
JOHN:
Charlie, don’t do this. We can fix this. We’re friends, she’s just trying to-
CHARLIE:
We’re friends?
JOHN:
Yes, don’t let her trick you into something you don’t want to do.
CHARLIE:
Almost all my life you were the only person I could go to with my problems, the only person I could go to when I needed help… How come you never gave me the same respect?
JOHN:
I don’t know, Charlie. I’m just not built that way I guess. But please, don’t let her lead you around by the nose, she’s just trying to get you to do her bidding.
CHARLIE:
We’ve been through so much together, so much… Truth be told though, I’m tired. I’m tired of putting up with your stupidity. I’m tired of dealing with your arrogance. Most of all, I’m tired of dealing with your selfishness…
LUCY:
Just say we have a deal and he’s all yours…
CHARLIE:
(Charlie hesitates)
We have a deal.
(Lucy throws John towards Charlie)
JOHN:
Charlie, please. I’m sorry! You’re my best friend. Don’t do this!
CHARLIE:
It’s too late… You brought this upon yourself.
(Charlie attacks John. A scuffle ensues where John inadvertently causes Charlie to stab himself, killing him)
JOHN:
Charlie?! Charlie?! No, no, wake up, get up, Charlie! Charlie!
LUCY:
I’d say he’s deader than a door nail, my friend.
JOHN:
Fuck you!
(John pulls the knife from Charlie, repeatedly stabbing Lucy)
LUCY:
We’ve been over this, John…
(Lucy smacks the knife out of John’s hand)
I’m way above the being-stabbed-to-death pay grade.
JOHN:
You… You made him attack me… Made me kill him…
LUCY:
I didn’t make him do anything. All I did was barely nudge him in a direction. He’s the one who ran that way full speed.
JOHN:
Full speed into Hell.
LUCY:
Yep, same as you. Not to worry though, you’ll be seeing each other again soon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get going.
JOHN:
What, have more people to go screw over? Other planets to destroy?
LUCY:
Well, aren’t you just a glass half empty.
JOHN:
Kinda have to be when you’ve just killed your best friend.
LUCY:
And you said Charlie was the melodramatic one…
JOHN:
Just kill me, kill me now… I deserve it.
LUCY:
I was going to give you another few years, but if that’s what you really want... Before I do though, I have a question. You destroyed the world and killed your surrogate brother, was your moment of happiness worth it?
(John remains silent)
LUCY:
Say hi to Charlie for me.
(Lucy snaps her fingers. John falls over, lifeless)
LUCY:
(To no one in particular)
I told you this would happen. I told you these hairless monkeys would destroy themselves. Isn’t this enough, or do you need more proof?
(Lucy waits for a reply)
Fine, I guess it’s time to raise a little more Hell…
(Lucy looks at the two bodies on the ground, then slowly walks to the door. She opens it nonchalantly and exits. Fade to black)
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Exaivier and Ciera's Wedding Script for 10/31/2010
Here is the wedding script I wrote (with some input from Ciera) for Exaivier and Ciera's wedding that I will be performing on October 31st, 2010.
Dearly beloved, on behalf of Exaivier Osborne and Ceira Vasquez, I welcome you to this unification of the strange and macabre in eternal matrimony. On this day, All Hallows Eve, we are here to support and encourage the joining of two lost souls becoming as one. Both have led individual lives centering around the peculiar, the unusual, and the weird, but they stand before us today prepared to merge these lives together as husband and wife.
Exaivier, the woman who stands by your side is going to be your wife. She will look to you for solace, comfort, support, and love. Never should you allow her to feel pain, grief, suffering, or any ill feelings otherwise unnecessary. With that, I ask you to please recite these vows:
From this day forth, I am yours eternally.
Through black of night, light of day,
joy, sorrow, happiness and torment,
I wholly belong to you.
I will never betray your love, your life, or your soul,
for they are the most precious gifts ever given to me.
I thee swear.
Ciera, the man who stands by your side is going to be your husband. He will look to you for solace, comfort, support, and love. Never should you allow him to feel pain, grief, suffering, or any ill feelings otherwise unnecessary. With that, I ask you to please recite these vows:
From this day forth, I am yours eternally.
Through black of night, light of day,
joy, sorrow, happiness and torment,
I wholly belong to you.
I will never betray your love, your life, or your soul,
for they are the most precious gifts ever given to me.
I thee swear.
This candle before you represents the unity you both have sworn today. It represents the singular life you two will be a part of, a life made up of love, strangeness and acceptance. Upon its being lit, the bond you have sworn to share will be solidified, never ceasing, never decomposing. I ask now that each of you take up your flame and finalize the promise of eternity being made to one another, as I read this verse written by an anonymous author that bears great significance to you both:
“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
Before continuing any further, I must ask if there is anyone here who knows reason as to why these two souls should not be joined on this All Hallows Eve? If so, may you speak now and risk physical harm, or forever hold your tongue.
May your flame burn strong and true, even after its departure from this world. With that, I now pronounce you Exaivier and Ciera Osborne, husband and wife. You may ravish the bride.
Dearly beloved, on behalf of Exaivier Osborne and Ceira Vasquez, I welcome you to this unification of the strange and macabre in eternal matrimony. On this day, All Hallows Eve, we are here to support and encourage the joining of two lost souls becoming as one. Both have led individual lives centering around the peculiar, the unusual, and the weird, but they stand before us today prepared to merge these lives together as husband and wife.
Exaivier, the woman who stands by your side is going to be your wife. She will look to you for solace, comfort, support, and love. Never should you allow her to feel pain, grief, suffering, or any ill feelings otherwise unnecessary. With that, I ask you to please recite these vows:
From this day forth, I am yours eternally.
Through black of night, light of day,
joy, sorrow, happiness and torment,
I wholly belong to you.
I will never betray your love, your life, or your soul,
for they are the most precious gifts ever given to me.
I thee swear.
Ciera, the man who stands by your side is going to be your husband. He will look to you for solace, comfort, support, and love. Never should you allow him to feel pain, grief, suffering, or any ill feelings otherwise unnecessary. With that, I ask you to please recite these vows:
From this day forth, I am yours eternally.
Through black of night, light of day,
joy, sorrow, happiness and torment,
I wholly belong to you.
I will never betray your love, your life, or your soul,
for they are the most precious gifts ever given to me.
I thee swear.
This candle before you represents the unity you both have sworn today. It represents the singular life you two will be a part of, a life made up of love, strangeness and acceptance. Upon its being lit, the bond you have sworn to share will be solidified, never ceasing, never decomposing. I ask now that each of you take up your flame and finalize the promise of eternity being made to one another, as I read this verse written by an anonymous author that bears great significance to you both:
“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
Before continuing any further, I must ask if there is anyone here who knows reason as to why these two souls should not be joined on this All Hallows Eve? If so, may you speak now and risk physical harm, or forever hold your tongue.
May your flame burn strong and true, even after its departure from this world. With that, I now pronounce you Exaivier and Ciera Osborne, husband and wife. You may ravish the bride.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Fine Print (draft one)
Here is a copy of a script I'm working on for class. Keep in mind the thoughts and opinions expressed in the writing are just works of storytelling, and in no way reflect my real beliefs... Comments or suggestions are welcome.
Fine Print
By: Michael Flanders
Setting: Two men are sitting alone in a burned out bomb shelter, discussing the circumstances of the apocalypse that surrounds them.
JOHN
I’m sorry.
CHARLIE
You’re sorry?!
JOHN
What else do you want me to say? What else can be said?
CHARLIE
Well, I’m sure you can muster up something better than a half-assed apology. Do you understand what you did?
JOHN
Yes, Charlie, I’m quite aware of what I did, and I’d take it all back if I could, trust me.
CHARLIE
No, John, I don’t think you quite grasp the severity of the situation here. You ended the world! A simple apology ain’t going to cut it.
JOHN
Then what do you want me say, huh? Because obviously you’re an expert on this crap and you should just tell me what you want to hear.
CHARLIE
I don’t know what I want to hear, okay? Excuse me for seeming a little out of sorts, but my best friend just told me he nuked the planet!
JOHN
Yeah, I nuked the planet. That’s exactly what I did. I woke up yesterday morning and said “Huh, I wonder what the world would be like if we experienced the apocalypse? Thank God I racked up all that vacation time at work!”
CHARLIE
Don’t get snarky with me, asshole.
JOHN
I’m sorry, Charlie. It’s just… hard. I mean, yesterday I was going to work, paying my taxes, mowing the lawn, and then today I’m grabbing a blunt object to beat my neighbor’s head in with. Hell, today I’m hiding in an old bomb shelter as to avoid the next blast wave of fire and brimstone.
(Charlie chuckles)
CHARLIE
Who knew Revelations would’ve been so on the ball, right?
JOHN
What do you mean?
CHARLIE
Corinthians 15:52 – “In the moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump; for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.”
JOHN
I didn’t know you knew the Bible.
CHARLIE
My folks used to make me go to church when I was a kid. I didn’t want to go, but I made the best of it. During my time there I ran across Revelations, and to this day I can’t not read it. I just never thought I’d be living it…
JOHN
Yeah, me too.
CHARLIE
Here’s the thing I don’t get though, you say you sold your soul, right?
JOHN
Yup.
CHARLIE
And then right after you did that is when all of this stuff started?
JOHN
Pretty much.
CHARLIE
How do you know they’re connected then? How do you even know if you really sold your soul?
JOHN
Charlie, you know me. Do I seem like the type of guy to buy into religious BS without having a good grasp on the situation? I… I can’t explain it properly, but when I made the deal I could just tell there was something different about me. And as for how I know the two events are connected, well…
CHARLIE
Yeah?
JOHN
The Devil told me they were.
CHARLIE
The Devil? As in THE Devil?
JOHN
The one and only.
CHARLIE
What? He bet a fiddle of gold against your soul and you lost?
JOHN
No, it’s not like that.
CHARLIE
Then tell me what it’s like! Tell me how you selling your soul brought damnation upon humanity!
JOHN
God damnit.
CHARLIE
Kind of on the nose with that one, don’t you think?
JOHN
Look Charlie, I can’t tell you.
CHARLIE
Why the hell not?
JOHN
Because I just can’t!
CHARLIE
No, I don’t accept that.
JOHN
Too bad, it’s all you’re getting from me right now.
CHARLIE
But I’m your oldest friend, and this is how you’re going to treat me?
JOHN
You’re damn right. We’re playing by a whole new set of rules now, Charlie. Friendships mean little.
CHARLIE
Not to me.
(John bows his head and remains quiet. Charlie lets the silence hang in the air for a moment before speaking again)
CHARLIE
What’d you get?
JOHN
Pardon?
CHARLIE
For your soul, what’d you get?
JOHN
You mean aside from the dead rising and the sky raining fire down on us? Not much.
CHARLIE
Is this what you asked for?
JOHN
Not even close.
CHARLIE
Then what was it?
(John hesitates a moment)
JOHN
Charlie, you’ve known me how long now, twenty-five years?
CHARLIE
Give or take.
JOHN
Has my life ever appeared… happy?
CHARLIE
You’ve had your ups and downs like everyone else.
JOHN
What ups? Name one good thing that’s happened to me since you’ve known me!
CHARLIE
What about Elizabeth?
JOHN
You’re seriously going to bring her up?
CHARLIE
Yeah, why not? I thought she was the love of your life?
JOHN
She was… until I found out she was fucking the pool guy.
CHARLIE
Wait a minute, she was fucking the pool guy?! I thought you said you two split because she wanted kids and you didn’t?
JOHN
Nope. That’s just what I told everyone. I didn’t want people to associate me with marrying an adulterous bitch.
CHARLIE
Wow, man. I didn’t… I didn’t know. I’m sorry. But your life still isn’t that bad, what about when you won the town lottery?! That was fifty grand in your pocket, easy!
JOHN
Yeah, and that all went towards taxes and my second divorce with Nina, remember?
CHARLIE
Oh yeah…
JOHN
See, my life hasn’t exactly been peaches and cream.
CHARLIE
I don’t get it though, what does this have to do with why you sold your soul?
JOHN
Because, Charlie, it’s the exact reason I sold my soul.
CHARLIE
What do you mean?
JOHN
Isn’t it obvious? I sold my soul for peace, for happiness. I sold my soul for one true moment of absolute contentment.
CHARLIE
You’re serious?
JOHN
Deadly.
CHARLIE
But why? Why not get millions of dollars, or… or loads of women, why just a moment of happiness?
JOHN
I’m not greedy.
CHARLIE
What?! That doesn’t even make any sense.
JOHN
Think of it like this, Charlie – money can be spent, women can be fickle, but a true moment of happiness can’t ever be forgotten or taken away.
CHARLIE
What about when you’re in Hell and you’re getting a pitchfork enema? Are you going to be happy then?
JOHN
Don’t get me wrong, there’ll be pain, a fair amount if it I’m sure, but I’ll still have the memory of that one time I was at peace with myself.
CHARLIE
And this is what you asked the Devil for? You asked him for this one perfect moment?
JOHN
Yes sir.
CHARLIE
No offense, John, but that’s fucking stupid.
JOHN
You’re entitled to your opinion.
CHARLIE
So what does your moment of serenity have to do with Armageddon?
JOHN
I already said I can’t tell you.
CHARLIE
No, that’s not going to cut it, John. You can’t drop a bomb like that and not tell me what’s going on.
JOHN
Charlie, I’m a soulless inhabitant of a world on the brink of total destruction, I think I can do whatever I damn well please.
CHARLIE
You’re a real bastard, you know that?
JOHN
It’s been said.
CHARLIE
You selfish, smug bastard. Is that all you’re really going to say to me?
JOHN
I’ve got nothing else to say.
CHARLIE
I thought we were friends…
JOHN
We’ve already covered this part of the conversation.
CHARLIE
Then maybe we should cover the part where I kick your ass. Or maybe we could go a step further and I could just kill you. It seems you’re pretty set on being a prick, so what if I just slit your throat? Hmm? Maybe that’ll even fix things.
JOHN
No, killing me won’t fix what’s going on, but feel free to send me downstairs ahead of schedule if you want.
CHARLIE
What do you mean “ahead of schedule”?
JOHN
I was given five years to live before Satan cashes my check.
CHARLIE
So not only is your soul going to burn in an ocean of fire for the rest of eternity, but you also had your life shortened?
JOHN
Those were the stipulations.
CHARLIE
How could you do it? How could you make that deal?
JOHN
I was desperate, Charlie.
CHARLIE
Then you should’ve said something, man! I could’ve helped! There are so many different things you could’ve done instead of this.
JOHN
Like what?
CHARLIE
You could’ve gone to a psychiatrist! You could’ve got some Vicodin and doped yourself up! Hell, John, you could’ve gone and got your rocks off with a hooker. There are twenty million other options you could’ve explored other than selling your soul.
JOHN
Are you done lecturing me, dad?
CHARLIE
Oh cute, back to being snarky again.
JOHN
Look Charlie, I don’t expect you to understand my attitude. It’s just, you know, I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.
CHARLIE
You’re wrong though. It’s not just you lying in it; All of mankind is lying in it with you.
JOHN
I know… I know.
(A light knocking occurs at the bunker’s door)
CHARLIE
What was that?
JOHN
I think somebody knocked on the door.
CHARLIE
Do you think it was one of the dead-heads?
JOHN
How should I know?! I’m in here, they’re out there, that’s all that matters.
(The knocking continues)
CHARLIE
It sounds too consistent to be one of them. Maybe it’s a survivor.
JOHN
Maybe it’s someone who wants to kill us.
(A muffled voice comes through the door)
LUCY
Uh, could you let me in please?
CHARLIE
We can definitely rule out the possibility of it being one of the dead.
JOHN
I’m sticking with my theory of us getting killed.
LUCY
I can hear what you’re saying, you know?
CHARLIE
Maybe we should let her in?
LUCY
That’s a good idea, I like that idea.
JOHN
No, I don’t think so. Something doesn’t feel right.
CHARLIE
What are you talking about? She’s obviously a living person and we could stand to rally all the support possible.
JOHN
Charlie, don’t open that door.
CHARLIE
Oh shut up, will you?
(Charlie opens the door, allowing Lucy to enter)
CHARLIE
Please, come in.
LUCY
And they say chivalry’s dead! Thank you so much.
CHARLIE
Not at all. My name’s Charlie, and this is John.
LUCY
Ah yes, the man who was against my entry. It’s a pleasure.
JOHN
Could we dispense with the hollow niceties? How’d you find this place?
LUCY
Excuse me?
JOHN
We’re in a bunker out in the middle of nowhere. I find it very hard to believe that anyone else would know about this place except for Charlie and myself.
LUCY
Actually, that’s a funny story…
(A crashing explosion occurs outside the bunker, causing the set to jostle)
CHARLIE
What was that?
JOHN
Probably the next wave of fire and brimstone I mentioned earlier.
LUCY
I guess I’m lucky you fellas let me in before I got caught in it.
JOHN
Yeah, yeah, continue…
LUCY
With what?
JOHN
I believe you were about to tell us a funny story.
CHARLIE
John, would you calm down and pull the stick out of your ass? Why does it matter how she found this place? She’s here now and we have to make the best of it.
LUCY
I completely agree, but not for nothing, how did you guys know about this place? Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful you were here to open the door for me, but it seems a bit concealed for someone to just stumble across…
JOHN
Odd, that seems to be the exact same thing I just asked you, except with more words.
CHARLIE
Oh, get off it, John. As weird as it sounds, my father had this built during the Cold War.
LUCY
But I thought most bomb shelters were built into backyards? This seems a little like an out of the way location in town to have a personalized bomb shelter.
CHARLIE
Nobody said my father was the brightest color in the crayon box.
LUCY
Ah, I see.
JOHN
Hey, I’m really glad we’re doing the whole bonding thing, but I’d like to get back to how you found this place if that’s not too taxing for you?
CHARLIE
Don’t mind him, he’s just a little upset he ended the world.
JOHN
Bite me, asshole.
CHARLIE
Not with your mouth.
LUCY
I’m sorry, but is that supposed to be a joke or something? I like humor as much as the next person, yet it does seem a little ill timed to be joking about the world ending.
CHARLIE
Lucy, I like to think I have a great sense of humor. However, there’s no joke like that to be told by me.
LUCY
So what you’re saying is…
CHARLIE
My friend here let loose a global A-Bomb.
LUCY
And what, this is your command center or something?
JOHN
Don’t be stupid! Do I look like an evil genius or a comic book villain? Contrary to my friend’s thinly veiled comment about me destroying the world, I didn’t do it on purpose. And I certainly didn’t do it with an A-Bomb.
LUCY
I have to say I am completely confused.
CHARLIE
Don’t worry, so am I.
JOHN
Blow it out your ass, the both of you.
CHARLIE
I guess I should clarify that it wasn’t an actual bomb he used. He--
JOHN
Charlie, would you shut up! We don’t know her from shit, who is she to go telling our personal business to?
CHARLIE
It’s not like it matters, John. We’re dead anyways, why not offer some insight as to why.
JOHN
You mean pin the blame on me.
LUCY
Wait, you’re serious? You’re really serious? You think you caused all this?
CHARLIE
He doesn’t think it, he knows it. Isn’t that right?
JOHN
What the hell is this? Did we just get put on some half-assed reality show where we confess our feelings and actions with the general public for entertainment purposes?
LUCY
Well, that sounds a lot more believable than you selling your soul.
CHARLIE
If only that were the case…
JOHN
Hold on a second. Who said anything about me selling my soul?
LUCY
Charlie did just a minute ago.
JOHN
I don’t think so. He was going to give me the out, but I cut him off.
LUCY
Uhh…
JOHN
Who are you?
LUCY
I told you who I am. My name is Lucy, I’m just trying to survive, like you guys…
JOHN
Cut the BS and tell me who you are.
(John rises and slowly approaches Lucy)
LUCY
Look John, I don’t know what you’re doing, but I’m just…
JOHN
Who the fuck are you?!
(John grabs Lucy’s arm)
CHARLIE
John, stop!
(Charlie rushes to John, but both men are quickly flung back by an invisible force and held in place)
LUCY
You know, that always was an issue of mine. I really have a knack for getting ahead of myself.
CHARLIE
What’s going on?!
JOHN
Charlie, I can’t move! Can you move?
CHARLIE
No! What’s happening?
LUCY
I’ll tell you what’s happening – justice.
CHARLIE
What?!
LUCY
And I believe in giving credit when credit’s due. None of this would be happening if it wasn’t for you, John.
JOHN
What the hell are you talking about?
LUCY
That whole pesky soul business. I tell you, the red tape to get an apocalypse going will drive you crazy.
JOHN
Oh no.
CHARLIE
What, what is it, John?!
JOHN
I know who she is…
CHARLIE
And?! Who is she?
JOHN
Satan.
LUCY
Ding-ding-ding-ding, give the man a silver dollar!
CHARLIE
Satan? As in Satan, Satan? As in THE Satan?
LUCY
I prefer Mrs. Satan, but THE Satan works too.
JOHN
Wait a minute, when I saw you last you were a guy.
LUCY
Yes, I can take on many visages. But this is a special occasion, and I wanted to show you the real me.
CHARLIE
The real you? But I thought the real you was a male angel? That’s what the Bible says.
LUCY
It’s just a book, Charlie. On top of that, it’s a book written by men. Do you really think they wanted everyone to know that the Devil was a woman? Although, it would’ve made a lot more sense in hindsight… After all, men make that comparison almost daily now.
CHARLIE
No, I don’t buy it.
LUCY
Is it so startling that Lucifer is actually Lucifette? Get with the times. If a woman can vote, a woman can be your anti-Christ.
CHARLIE
Oh great, Satan’s a feminist…
JOHN
What’s next, do we get the speech about if a woman can be the Devil, a woman can be president?
LUCY
Just as long as it’s not Palin. That bitch makes me look tame.
JOHN
But why not just stay a female all the time then? Why’d you first approach me as a man?
LUCY
Seriously, you don’t get it? John, your track record with women doesn’t really inspire confidence in the idea of you selling your soul to one. I needed to close you, and let’s face it, you wouldn’t buy a car from a chick, would you?
CHARLIE
You said this was justice, what’d you mean by that?
LUCY
Jeez, between the both of you I’m surprised there’s enough intelligence to open a jar of pickles. Or do you get your wives to do it just after they’re done changing your manpons?
JOHN
My god, you do love the sound of your own voice, don’t you? Just answer the question.
LUCY
You want to know how this is justice? Because one person sold their soul for a fleeting moment of happiness, proving that no matter how many gifts God gives them, they’re never satisfied. My father picked you meatbags over me, over my brothers, over a superior race, and look what happened! I’m now ready to force feed this point directly down his throat!
JOHN
All of this is to prove God wrong?
LUCY
Why else would I end the world?! He told us angels to bow down before you sacks of crap because you were the best of all his creations. He told us all that people would be given the freedom of choice, and that we’d have to abide by it. He told me to serve a race of insects that would inevitably destroy themselves. Tell me something, how would you feel being enslaved to an inferior species?
CHARLIE
Oh boo-hoo, you’ve got daddy issues! Why didn’t you become a stripper like a normal chick would’ve?!
LUCY
Cute, very cute. You sound just like all the guys who blame Eve for getting Adam cast out of Eden. The truth is she wasn’t tempted by the snake to eat the apple, she was just proving that men, and above all else – God, have a superiority complex. Have whatever you want, but your ass is fucked if you dare touch my apples! The man makes it seem like they were only grown to be in an award winning pie or something.
JOHN
Speaking of superiority complexes…
LUCY
What, you think I have a superiority complex? No, I have bitterness from getting a millennium long timeout. Especially since I did nothing wrong.
JOHN
Ha, how do you figure that? You’re the Devil!
LUCY
Aside from refusing to bow down to a group of self-destructive monkeys, all I wanted was to be seen like my dad. That’s my big crime.
CHARLIE
Yeah, but the Bible says trying to make yourself be seen like God is a bad thing.
LUCY
The Bible is a list of rules written by a bunch of uptight parental figures wagging the proverbial “don’t do that” finger at the human race. I don’t fall into that category.
I’m part of a much more sophisticated race. However, I’ll be the first to admit that you humans and I have one thing in common.
JOHN
Really, what’s that? Being massively full of shit?
LUCY
No… God cast me out of Heaven because I wanted to be seen like him. I looked at him and said to myself it would be great if I could be just like God some day.
JOHN
What does that have to do with relating to humans?
LUCY
Because what child doesn’t grow up saying they want to be like their parents, or better than their parents? More importantly, what parent doesn’t want that for their child? Every single one of you I’ve observed has always had that feeling for your offspring, to hope they’ll one day surpass you. What makes God so tyrannical and dictator-like that he wouldn’t want that for his kids?
JOHN
Hmm, maybe he just doesn’t want that for you? After all, he told you no and look what happened, you decided to throw an apocalyptic hissy-fit.
CHARLIE
Which raises an inquiry; how did John asking for a moment of happiness start Armageddon?
LUCY
See, now you’re just asking stupid questions again. It’s pretty obvious if you think about it.
JOHN
Umm, you’re the Devil and you take pride in screwing people over?
LUCY
First off, yes. Secondly, it’s all about how you word the deal. Word it properly and carefully, apocalypses don’t happen. Give the Devil a blank slate to run with, watch everyone around you burn and all those zombie fanboys get their wet dreams brought to life.
JOHN
What do you mean “word it properly”? I said I wanted a moment of undiluted happiness, just a single moment. How the hell does that run parallel to having an apocalypse?
LUCY
Because you didn’t say how you wanted that moment to occur.
JOHN
Are you fucking serious? You’re going to get me on a technicality?
LUCY
Learn to read between the lines. The devil’s in the details, I’m afraid.
JOHN
That’s bullshit, that is complete and utter bullshit.
LUCY
John, calm down. You make it seem like I won’t deliver on my end of the deal. Once the apocalypse is over, you’ll get your moment you asked for.
JOHN
And when will the apocalypse be over?
LUCY
Just a little under five years. It’s enough time for you to stew in this and really appreciate that moment when it comes. I mean, I don’t just want you to sit there and be happy, I want you to drown in euphoria. You wouldn’t be able to do that without experiencing something like an end-all situation. Trust me, you’ll appreciate it once you get to Hell.
JOHN
Who knew the Devil was so thoughtful?
LUCY
Your sarcasm is really unnecessary, and believe me when I say you’ll be thanking me once you hit the blast furnace downstairs.
CHARLIE
How can we short-circuit this?
LUCY
Excuse me?
CHARLIE
The apocalypse, Armageddon, whatever you want to call it. How can we pull the plug?
LUCY
John’s deal is done, there’s no way to backtrack this.
CHARLIE
Bull. You can stop all of this right now.
LUCY
I’m sorry, my hands are tied. I can’t stop the purge of humanity… But you can.
CHARLIE
What?
LUCY
You heard me. You could be the savior of the human race.
CHARLIE
How?
LUCY
Well, it’s actually a relatively simple process. You tell me you want the apocalypse to stop, I agree to it, you give me your soul and we call it a day.
CHARLIE
Oh, is that all? Come on!
LUCY
Look, it’s a… Hang on a second, we can’t talk under these circumstances.
(Lucy releases John and Charlie from the supernatural hold that had them glued still)
LUCY
It’s a win-win situation. I get your soul and you live on forever in the hearts of everyone as a hero. You’d be foolish to pass this up.
JOHN
Charlie, don’t do it. She’ll find a way to welch on it!
CHARLIE
Shut up, John.
LUCY
Yeah, shut up, John.
CHARLIE
How long do I get before you come for my soul?
LUCY
Well, that’s actually the kicker in the pants. For something this heavyweight, I’d have to take it instantly.
CHARLIE
What? Forget it then!
LUCY
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie boy, don’t be so quick to say no. Think about everything this one selfless act would do. The sun would go back to shining, the dead people would go back to their day jobs, birds would sing, dogs would fornicate, the hills would be alive again with the sound of music!
JOHN
Don’t listen to her. Just look at how my simple request turned into a giant ball of fiery semantics. She’ll screw with it somehow.
LUCY
John, words hurt. Besides, this would get you your moment a lot faster than if the apocalypse continued to rage on.
JOHN
Yeah, I just can’t wait to be shooting happy rainbows out of my ass. Why are you toying with him? Just take me already so everything can go back to normal.
LUCY
I’m sorry, but we’re not in negotiations right now. Charlie and I are in the middle of talking about a deal.
CHARLIE
Would you really end all of this? Would you do a ceasefire on Armageddon?
LUCY
Hey, if that’s the deal you want to make, I can’t mess with it. But I do need you to make a decision soon; I have a three o’clock in Iraq.
JOHN
Charlie, I’m telling you…
CHARLIE
I heard you, John! I get that there’s risks involved, but I can’t pass this up, not if it saves everyone. It’s one life compared to six billion.
LUCY
Well, actually it’s down to about four billion and change… Not a lot of people were ready for the apocalypse. What’s funny is a majority of the deaths were Chrisitians.
(Both men stare at her with distaste)
LUCY
What?!
JOHN
Charlie, please. I’m begging you, don’t do this. We’re friends, and I don’t want to see you throw your life away!
CHARLIE
We’re friends? How quickly you’ve forgotten that we’re playing by a whole new set of rules, how friendships mean little.
JOHN
You don’t understand, I--
CHARLIE
Alright Lucy, I’ll give you my soul in exchange for you stopping the apocalypse. Do we have a deal?
(Charlie extends his hand)
LUCY
Deal.
JOHN
No!
(Lucy shakes Charlie’s hand, causing him to fall over, dead)
LUCY
Ouch, tough break. But look at it this way – crisis averted.
JOHN
You cold-hearted bitch.
LUCY
It’s been said.
JOHN
What about me then? Where’s my moment of happiness? Where’s my grand prize so I can hurry up and join Charlie in the pit?
LUCY
Actually, I have some bad news on that front…
JOHN
What? What happened?
LUCY
Remember when I said you have to word what you say properly? Well, your friend failed to do that, and in turn he canceled out your deal.
JOHN
Oh, and how’d he do that?
LUCY
He asked for me to stop the apocalypse, but he never said how he wanted me to stop it.
JOHN
I knew it, I knew you’d find a way to dick this around.
LUCY
Hey, I gave him the disclaimer. It’s not my fault he didn’t listen.
JOHN
So what’s this all mean then? How has the apocalypse stopped?
LUCY
Every person, every animal, every insect, every creature, every single thing that could be construed as an attributor to the end of the world has ceased to live.
JOHN
So what you’re saying is you’ve killed off everyone and everything?
LUCY
Well, if you wanna use the layman…
JOHN
Cut the shit! That’s not what Charlie’s deal was and you know it! Fix it!
LUCY
Sorry, the deal was between Charlie and myself, not you. I held up my end of the bargain and he held up his. Nothing can be done now.
JOHN
What then, does this mean I have my soul back if his deal cut mine off?
LUCY
Umm, no, actually. See, selling your soul is one of those “All sales are final” situations. And it was key to have the apocalypse going so you could get your moment of happiness. No apocalypse means no happiness.
JOHN
Why the hell not?
LUCY
It’s not like I have some magic wand that dopes you up on tranquilizers, your happiness was supposed to be one of those self-realization moments.
JOHN
God damnit, I knew you’d find a way out of this, out of all of this.
LUCY
Woah now, wait a minute. It’s not like you walk away empty handed. I’ve given you a gift.
JOHN
Oh really, what’s that, herpes?
LUCY
No, immortality.
JOHN
And what am I supposed to do with that?
LUCY
Uh, I think the whole point is to live? It’s kind of written into the fabric of the idea surrounding immortality.
JOHN
No, you smart ass. What am I supposed to do in a world where no one else is alive? Where I’m the only one around.
LUCY
Ah, I see the issue now. Let me explain it to you like this; You sold your soul and were guaranteed a trip to Hell in doing so. However, instead of taking you to my Hell, I’m giving you a chance to create your own. Don’t get me wrong, mine is brutal, but yours is going to be so much worse. It’s one thing to be tortured by demons and damned souls twenty-four/seven. It’s a completely different beast when you’re left to torture yourself. But if you’ll excuse me, I really must be going.
JOHN
Going where? I’m fairly certain your three o’clock was canceled when you killed everyone.
LUCY
Jeez, such a sourpuss… But yes, my three o’clock was canceled, hence why I’m heading home.
JOHN
Home? You mean Hell?
LUCY
No, I mean home. As in the other place.
JOHN
Heaven?
LUCY
Y’know, calling it that is so misleading. There’s no beer on tap, no rock music blaring loudly in the background, no cherubs wearing diapers or completely nude women playing harps. It’s very reminiscent of a sixth grade middle school classroom – devoid of anything fun.
JOHN
But why are you heading there? More importantly, how are you heading there?
LUCY
Are you kidding me? It may not look like it, but I’m packing a mean set of wings under this blouse that would make Kotex proud. As for why, well, let’s just say I get to go to my daddy and tell him “I told you so”.
(Lucy walks to the bunker door and opens it)
LUCY
Cheer up, Johnny. It’s not all that bad. Think about it like this, there’s no more waiting in line to use the bathroom after you get out of the movies.
JOHN
Forgive me if I’m seem ungrateful, but that really doesn’t make me feel better…
LUCY
Oh John, John, John. How you’ve dug yourself a hole… Ah well, shit happens. I hate to cut and run, but I’m really late now for my dinner date with daddy. One last thing before I go though…
JOHN
What?
LUCY
Welcome to Hell. Enjoy your stay.
(Lucy steps outside the door and closes it, leaving John alone to contemplate oblivion)
The End
Fine Print
By: Michael Flanders
Setting: Two men are sitting alone in a burned out bomb shelter, discussing the circumstances of the apocalypse that surrounds them.
JOHN
I’m sorry.
CHARLIE
You’re sorry?!
JOHN
What else do you want me to say? What else can be said?
CHARLIE
Well, I’m sure you can muster up something better than a half-assed apology. Do you understand what you did?
JOHN
Yes, Charlie, I’m quite aware of what I did, and I’d take it all back if I could, trust me.
CHARLIE
No, John, I don’t think you quite grasp the severity of the situation here. You ended the world! A simple apology ain’t going to cut it.
JOHN
Then what do you want me say, huh? Because obviously you’re an expert on this crap and you should just tell me what you want to hear.
CHARLIE
I don’t know what I want to hear, okay? Excuse me for seeming a little out of sorts, but my best friend just told me he nuked the planet!
JOHN
Yeah, I nuked the planet. That’s exactly what I did. I woke up yesterday morning and said “Huh, I wonder what the world would be like if we experienced the apocalypse? Thank God I racked up all that vacation time at work!”
CHARLIE
Don’t get snarky with me, asshole.
JOHN
I’m sorry, Charlie. It’s just… hard. I mean, yesterday I was going to work, paying my taxes, mowing the lawn, and then today I’m grabbing a blunt object to beat my neighbor’s head in with. Hell, today I’m hiding in an old bomb shelter as to avoid the next blast wave of fire and brimstone.
(Charlie chuckles)
CHARLIE
Who knew Revelations would’ve been so on the ball, right?
JOHN
What do you mean?
CHARLIE
Corinthians 15:52 – “In the moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump; for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.”
JOHN
I didn’t know you knew the Bible.
CHARLIE
My folks used to make me go to church when I was a kid. I didn’t want to go, but I made the best of it. During my time there I ran across Revelations, and to this day I can’t not read it. I just never thought I’d be living it…
JOHN
Yeah, me too.
CHARLIE
Here’s the thing I don’t get though, you say you sold your soul, right?
JOHN
Yup.
CHARLIE
And then right after you did that is when all of this stuff started?
JOHN
Pretty much.
CHARLIE
How do you know they’re connected then? How do you even know if you really sold your soul?
JOHN
Charlie, you know me. Do I seem like the type of guy to buy into religious BS without having a good grasp on the situation? I… I can’t explain it properly, but when I made the deal I could just tell there was something different about me. And as for how I know the two events are connected, well…
CHARLIE
Yeah?
JOHN
The Devil told me they were.
CHARLIE
The Devil? As in THE Devil?
JOHN
The one and only.
CHARLIE
What? He bet a fiddle of gold against your soul and you lost?
JOHN
No, it’s not like that.
CHARLIE
Then tell me what it’s like! Tell me how you selling your soul brought damnation upon humanity!
JOHN
God damnit.
CHARLIE
Kind of on the nose with that one, don’t you think?
JOHN
Look Charlie, I can’t tell you.
CHARLIE
Why the hell not?
JOHN
Because I just can’t!
CHARLIE
No, I don’t accept that.
JOHN
Too bad, it’s all you’re getting from me right now.
CHARLIE
But I’m your oldest friend, and this is how you’re going to treat me?
JOHN
You’re damn right. We’re playing by a whole new set of rules now, Charlie. Friendships mean little.
CHARLIE
Not to me.
(John bows his head and remains quiet. Charlie lets the silence hang in the air for a moment before speaking again)
CHARLIE
What’d you get?
JOHN
Pardon?
CHARLIE
For your soul, what’d you get?
JOHN
You mean aside from the dead rising and the sky raining fire down on us? Not much.
CHARLIE
Is this what you asked for?
JOHN
Not even close.
CHARLIE
Then what was it?
(John hesitates a moment)
JOHN
Charlie, you’ve known me how long now, twenty-five years?
CHARLIE
Give or take.
JOHN
Has my life ever appeared… happy?
CHARLIE
You’ve had your ups and downs like everyone else.
JOHN
What ups? Name one good thing that’s happened to me since you’ve known me!
CHARLIE
What about Elizabeth?
JOHN
You’re seriously going to bring her up?
CHARLIE
Yeah, why not? I thought she was the love of your life?
JOHN
She was… until I found out she was fucking the pool guy.
CHARLIE
Wait a minute, she was fucking the pool guy?! I thought you said you two split because she wanted kids and you didn’t?
JOHN
Nope. That’s just what I told everyone. I didn’t want people to associate me with marrying an adulterous bitch.
CHARLIE
Wow, man. I didn’t… I didn’t know. I’m sorry. But your life still isn’t that bad, what about when you won the town lottery?! That was fifty grand in your pocket, easy!
JOHN
Yeah, and that all went towards taxes and my second divorce with Nina, remember?
CHARLIE
Oh yeah…
JOHN
See, my life hasn’t exactly been peaches and cream.
CHARLIE
I don’t get it though, what does this have to do with why you sold your soul?
JOHN
Because, Charlie, it’s the exact reason I sold my soul.
CHARLIE
What do you mean?
JOHN
Isn’t it obvious? I sold my soul for peace, for happiness. I sold my soul for one true moment of absolute contentment.
CHARLIE
You’re serious?
JOHN
Deadly.
CHARLIE
But why? Why not get millions of dollars, or… or loads of women, why just a moment of happiness?
JOHN
I’m not greedy.
CHARLIE
What?! That doesn’t even make any sense.
JOHN
Think of it like this, Charlie – money can be spent, women can be fickle, but a true moment of happiness can’t ever be forgotten or taken away.
CHARLIE
What about when you’re in Hell and you’re getting a pitchfork enema? Are you going to be happy then?
JOHN
Don’t get me wrong, there’ll be pain, a fair amount if it I’m sure, but I’ll still have the memory of that one time I was at peace with myself.
CHARLIE
And this is what you asked the Devil for? You asked him for this one perfect moment?
JOHN
Yes sir.
CHARLIE
No offense, John, but that’s fucking stupid.
JOHN
You’re entitled to your opinion.
CHARLIE
So what does your moment of serenity have to do with Armageddon?
JOHN
I already said I can’t tell you.
CHARLIE
No, that’s not going to cut it, John. You can’t drop a bomb like that and not tell me what’s going on.
JOHN
Charlie, I’m a soulless inhabitant of a world on the brink of total destruction, I think I can do whatever I damn well please.
CHARLIE
You’re a real bastard, you know that?
JOHN
It’s been said.
CHARLIE
You selfish, smug bastard. Is that all you’re really going to say to me?
JOHN
I’ve got nothing else to say.
CHARLIE
I thought we were friends…
JOHN
We’ve already covered this part of the conversation.
CHARLIE
Then maybe we should cover the part where I kick your ass. Or maybe we could go a step further and I could just kill you. It seems you’re pretty set on being a prick, so what if I just slit your throat? Hmm? Maybe that’ll even fix things.
JOHN
No, killing me won’t fix what’s going on, but feel free to send me downstairs ahead of schedule if you want.
CHARLIE
What do you mean “ahead of schedule”?
JOHN
I was given five years to live before Satan cashes my check.
CHARLIE
So not only is your soul going to burn in an ocean of fire for the rest of eternity, but you also had your life shortened?
JOHN
Those were the stipulations.
CHARLIE
How could you do it? How could you make that deal?
JOHN
I was desperate, Charlie.
CHARLIE
Then you should’ve said something, man! I could’ve helped! There are so many different things you could’ve done instead of this.
JOHN
Like what?
CHARLIE
You could’ve gone to a psychiatrist! You could’ve got some Vicodin and doped yourself up! Hell, John, you could’ve gone and got your rocks off with a hooker. There are twenty million other options you could’ve explored other than selling your soul.
JOHN
Are you done lecturing me, dad?
CHARLIE
Oh cute, back to being snarky again.
JOHN
Look Charlie, I don’t expect you to understand my attitude. It’s just, you know, I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.
CHARLIE
You’re wrong though. It’s not just you lying in it; All of mankind is lying in it with you.
JOHN
I know… I know.
(A light knocking occurs at the bunker’s door)
CHARLIE
What was that?
JOHN
I think somebody knocked on the door.
CHARLIE
Do you think it was one of the dead-heads?
JOHN
How should I know?! I’m in here, they’re out there, that’s all that matters.
(The knocking continues)
CHARLIE
It sounds too consistent to be one of them. Maybe it’s a survivor.
JOHN
Maybe it’s someone who wants to kill us.
(A muffled voice comes through the door)
LUCY
Uh, could you let me in please?
CHARLIE
We can definitely rule out the possibility of it being one of the dead.
JOHN
I’m sticking with my theory of us getting killed.
LUCY
I can hear what you’re saying, you know?
CHARLIE
Maybe we should let her in?
LUCY
That’s a good idea, I like that idea.
JOHN
No, I don’t think so. Something doesn’t feel right.
CHARLIE
What are you talking about? She’s obviously a living person and we could stand to rally all the support possible.
JOHN
Charlie, don’t open that door.
CHARLIE
Oh shut up, will you?
(Charlie opens the door, allowing Lucy to enter)
CHARLIE
Please, come in.
LUCY
And they say chivalry’s dead! Thank you so much.
CHARLIE
Not at all. My name’s Charlie, and this is John.
LUCY
Ah yes, the man who was against my entry. It’s a pleasure.
JOHN
Could we dispense with the hollow niceties? How’d you find this place?
LUCY
Excuse me?
JOHN
We’re in a bunker out in the middle of nowhere. I find it very hard to believe that anyone else would know about this place except for Charlie and myself.
LUCY
Actually, that’s a funny story…
(A crashing explosion occurs outside the bunker, causing the set to jostle)
CHARLIE
What was that?
JOHN
Probably the next wave of fire and brimstone I mentioned earlier.
LUCY
I guess I’m lucky you fellas let me in before I got caught in it.
JOHN
Yeah, yeah, continue…
LUCY
With what?
JOHN
I believe you were about to tell us a funny story.
CHARLIE
John, would you calm down and pull the stick out of your ass? Why does it matter how she found this place? She’s here now and we have to make the best of it.
LUCY
I completely agree, but not for nothing, how did you guys know about this place? Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful you were here to open the door for me, but it seems a bit concealed for someone to just stumble across…
JOHN
Odd, that seems to be the exact same thing I just asked you, except with more words.
CHARLIE
Oh, get off it, John. As weird as it sounds, my father had this built during the Cold War.
LUCY
But I thought most bomb shelters were built into backyards? This seems a little like an out of the way location in town to have a personalized bomb shelter.
CHARLIE
Nobody said my father was the brightest color in the crayon box.
LUCY
Ah, I see.
JOHN
Hey, I’m really glad we’re doing the whole bonding thing, but I’d like to get back to how you found this place if that’s not too taxing for you?
CHARLIE
Don’t mind him, he’s just a little upset he ended the world.
JOHN
Bite me, asshole.
CHARLIE
Not with your mouth.
LUCY
I’m sorry, but is that supposed to be a joke or something? I like humor as much as the next person, yet it does seem a little ill timed to be joking about the world ending.
CHARLIE
Lucy, I like to think I have a great sense of humor. However, there’s no joke like that to be told by me.
LUCY
So what you’re saying is…
CHARLIE
My friend here let loose a global A-Bomb.
LUCY
And what, this is your command center or something?
JOHN
Don’t be stupid! Do I look like an evil genius or a comic book villain? Contrary to my friend’s thinly veiled comment about me destroying the world, I didn’t do it on purpose. And I certainly didn’t do it with an A-Bomb.
LUCY
I have to say I am completely confused.
CHARLIE
Don’t worry, so am I.
JOHN
Blow it out your ass, the both of you.
CHARLIE
I guess I should clarify that it wasn’t an actual bomb he used. He--
JOHN
Charlie, would you shut up! We don’t know her from shit, who is she to go telling our personal business to?
CHARLIE
It’s not like it matters, John. We’re dead anyways, why not offer some insight as to why.
JOHN
You mean pin the blame on me.
LUCY
Wait, you’re serious? You’re really serious? You think you caused all this?
CHARLIE
He doesn’t think it, he knows it. Isn’t that right?
JOHN
What the hell is this? Did we just get put on some half-assed reality show where we confess our feelings and actions with the general public for entertainment purposes?
LUCY
Well, that sounds a lot more believable than you selling your soul.
CHARLIE
If only that were the case…
JOHN
Hold on a second. Who said anything about me selling my soul?
LUCY
Charlie did just a minute ago.
JOHN
I don’t think so. He was going to give me the out, but I cut him off.
LUCY
Uhh…
JOHN
Who are you?
LUCY
I told you who I am. My name is Lucy, I’m just trying to survive, like you guys…
JOHN
Cut the BS and tell me who you are.
(John rises and slowly approaches Lucy)
LUCY
Look John, I don’t know what you’re doing, but I’m just…
JOHN
Who the fuck are you?!
(John grabs Lucy’s arm)
CHARLIE
John, stop!
(Charlie rushes to John, but both men are quickly flung back by an invisible force and held in place)
LUCY
You know, that always was an issue of mine. I really have a knack for getting ahead of myself.
CHARLIE
What’s going on?!
JOHN
Charlie, I can’t move! Can you move?
CHARLIE
No! What’s happening?
LUCY
I’ll tell you what’s happening – justice.
CHARLIE
What?!
LUCY
And I believe in giving credit when credit’s due. None of this would be happening if it wasn’t for you, John.
JOHN
What the hell are you talking about?
LUCY
That whole pesky soul business. I tell you, the red tape to get an apocalypse going will drive you crazy.
JOHN
Oh no.
CHARLIE
What, what is it, John?!
JOHN
I know who she is…
CHARLIE
And?! Who is she?
JOHN
Satan.
LUCY
Ding-ding-ding-ding, give the man a silver dollar!
CHARLIE
Satan? As in Satan, Satan? As in THE Satan?
LUCY
I prefer Mrs. Satan, but THE Satan works too.
JOHN
Wait a minute, when I saw you last you were a guy.
LUCY
Yes, I can take on many visages. But this is a special occasion, and I wanted to show you the real me.
CHARLIE
The real you? But I thought the real you was a male angel? That’s what the Bible says.
LUCY
It’s just a book, Charlie. On top of that, it’s a book written by men. Do you really think they wanted everyone to know that the Devil was a woman? Although, it would’ve made a lot more sense in hindsight… After all, men make that comparison almost daily now.
CHARLIE
No, I don’t buy it.
LUCY
Is it so startling that Lucifer is actually Lucifette? Get with the times. If a woman can vote, a woman can be your anti-Christ.
CHARLIE
Oh great, Satan’s a feminist…
JOHN
What’s next, do we get the speech about if a woman can be the Devil, a woman can be president?
LUCY
Just as long as it’s not Palin. That bitch makes me look tame.
JOHN
But why not just stay a female all the time then? Why’d you first approach me as a man?
LUCY
Seriously, you don’t get it? John, your track record with women doesn’t really inspire confidence in the idea of you selling your soul to one. I needed to close you, and let’s face it, you wouldn’t buy a car from a chick, would you?
CHARLIE
You said this was justice, what’d you mean by that?
LUCY
Jeez, between the both of you I’m surprised there’s enough intelligence to open a jar of pickles. Or do you get your wives to do it just after they’re done changing your manpons?
JOHN
My god, you do love the sound of your own voice, don’t you? Just answer the question.
LUCY
You want to know how this is justice? Because one person sold their soul for a fleeting moment of happiness, proving that no matter how many gifts God gives them, they’re never satisfied. My father picked you meatbags over me, over my brothers, over a superior race, and look what happened! I’m now ready to force feed this point directly down his throat!
JOHN
All of this is to prove God wrong?
LUCY
Why else would I end the world?! He told us angels to bow down before you sacks of crap because you were the best of all his creations. He told us all that people would be given the freedom of choice, and that we’d have to abide by it. He told me to serve a race of insects that would inevitably destroy themselves. Tell me something, how would you feel being enslaved to an inferior species?
CHARLIE
Oh boo-hoo, you’ve got daddy issues! Why didn’t you become a stripper like a normal chick would’ve?!
LUCY
Cute, very cute. You sound just like all the guys who blame Eve for getting Adam cast out of Eden. The truth is she wasn’t tempted by the snake to eat the apple, she was just proving that men, and above all else – God, have a superiority complex. Have whatever you want, but your ass is fucked if you dare touch my apples! The man makes it seem like they were only grown to be in an award winning pie or something.
JOHN
Speaking of superiority complexes…
LUCY
What, you think I have a superiority complex? No, I have bitterness from getting a millennium long timeout. Especially since I did nothing wrong.
JOHN
Ha, how do you figure that? You’re the Devil!
LUCY
Aside from refusing to bow down to a group of self-destructive monkeys, all I wanted was to be seen like my dad. That’s my big crime.
CHARLIE
Yeah, but the Bible says trying to make yourself be seen like God is a bad thing.
LUCY
The Bible is a list of rules written by a bunch of uptight parental figures wagging the proverbial “don’t do that” finger at the human race. I don’t fall into that category.
I’m part of a much more sophisticated race. However, I’ll be the first to admit that you humans and I have one thing in common.
JOHN
Really, what’s that? Being massively full of shit?
LUCY
No… God cast me out of Heaven because I wanted to be seen like him. I looked at him and said to myself it would be great if I could be just like God some day.
JOHN
What does that have to do with relating to humans?
LUCY
Because what child doesn’t grow up saying they want to be like their parents, or better than their parents? More importantly, what parent doesn’t want that for their child? Every single one of you I’ve observed has always had that feeling for your offspring, to hope they’ll one day surpass you. What makes God so tyrannical and dictator-like that he wouldn’t want that for his kids?
JOHN
Hmm, maybe he just doesn’t want that for you? After all, he told you no and look what happened, you decided to throw an apocalyptic hissy-fit.
CHARLIE
Which raises an inquiry; how did John asking for a moment of happiness start Armageddon?
LUCY
See, now you’re just asking stupid questions again. It’s pretty obvious if you think about it.
JOHN
Umm, you’re the Devil and you take pride in screwing people over?
LUCY
First off, yes. Secondly, it’s all about how you word the deal. Word it properly and carefully, apocalypses don’t happen. Give the Devil a blank slate to run with, watch everyone around you burn and all those zombie fanboys get their wet dreams brought to life.
JOHN
What do you mean “word it properly”? I said I wanted a moment of undiluted happiness, just a single moment. How the hell does that run parallel to having an apocalypse?
LUCY
Because you didn’t say how you wanted that moment to occur.
JOHN
Are you fucking serious? You’re going to get me on a technicality?
LUCY
Learn to read between the lines. The devil’s in the details, I’m afraid.
JOHN
That’s bullshit, that is complete and utter bullshit.
LUCY
John, calm down. You make it seem like I won’t deliver on my end of the deal. Once the apocalypse is over, you’ll get your moment you asked for.
JOHN
And when will the apocalypse be over?
LUCY
Just a little under five years. It’s enough time for you to stew in this and really appreciate that moment when it comes. I mean, I don’t just want you to sit there and be happy, I want you to drown in euphoria. You wouldn’t be able to do that without experiencing something like an end-all situation. Trust me, you’ll appreciate it once you get to Hell.
JOHN
Who knew the Devil was so thoughtful?
LUCY
Your sarcasm is really unnecessary, and believe me when I say you’ll be thanking me once you hit the blast furnace downstairs.
CHARLIE
How can we short-circuit this?
LUCY
Excuse me?
CHARLIE
The apocalypse, Armageddon, whatever you want to call it. How can we pull the plug?
LUCY
John’s deal is done, there’s no way to backtrack this.
CHARLIE
Bull. You can stop all of this right now.
LUCY
I’m sorry, my hands are tied. I can’t stop the purge of humanity… But you can.
CHARLIE
What?
LUCY
You heard me. You could be the savior of the human race.
CHARLIE
How?
LUCY
Well, it’s actually a relatively simple process. You tell me you want the apocalypse to stop, I agree to it, you give me your soul and we call it a day.
CHARLIE
Oh, is that all? Come on!
LUCY
Look, it’s a… Hang on a second, we can’t talk under these circumstances.
(Lucy releases John and Charlie from the supernatural hold that had them glued still)
LUCY
It’s a win-win situation. I get your soul and you live on forever in the hearts of everyone as a hero. You’d be foolish to pass this up.
JOHN
Charlie, don’t do it. She’ll find a way to welch on it!
CHARLIE
Shut up, John.
LUCY
Yeah, shut up, John.
CHARLIE
How long do I get before you come for my soul?
LUCY
Well, that’s actually the kicker in the pants. For something this heavyweight, I’d have to take it instantly.
CHARLIE
What? Forget it then!
LUCY
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie boy, don’t be so quick to say no. Think about everything this one selfless act would do. The sun would go back to shining, the dead people would go back to their day jobs, birds would sing, dogs would fornicate, the hills would be alive again with the sound of music!
JOHN
Don’t listen to her. Just look at how my simple request turned into a giant ball of fiery semantics. She’ll screw with it somehow.
LUCY
John, words hurt. Besides, this would get you your moment a lot faster than if the apocalypse continued to rage on.
JOHN
Yeah, I just can’t wait to be shooting happy rainbows out of my ass. Why are you toying with him? Just take me already so everything can go back to normal.
LUCY
I’m sorry, but we’re not in negotiations right now. Charlie and I are in the middle of talking about a deal.
CHARLIE
Would you really end all of this? Would you do a ceasefire on Armageddon?
LUCY
Hey, if that’s the deal you want to make, I can’t mess with it. But I do need you to make a decision soon; I have a three o’clock in Iraq.
JOHN
Charlie, I’m telling you…
CHARLIE
I heard you, John! I get that there’s risks involved, but I can’t pass this up, not if it saves everyone. It’s one life compared to six billion.
LUCY
Well, actually it’s down to about four billion and change… Not a lot of people were ready for the apocalypse. What’s funny is a majority of the deaths were Chrisitians.
(Both men stare at her with distaste)
LUCY
What?!
JOHN
Charlie, please. I’m begging you, don’t do this. We’re friends, and I don’t want to see you throw your life away!
CHARLIE
We’re friends? How quickly you’ve forgotten that we’re playing by a whole new set of rules, how friendships mean little.
JOHN
You don’t understand, I--
CHARLIE
Alright Lucy, I’ll give you my soul in exchange for you stopping the apocalypse. Do we have a deal?
(Charlie extends his hand)
LUCY
Deal.
JOHN
No!
(Lucy shakes Charlie’s hand, causing him to fall over, dead)
LUCY
Ouch, tough break. But look at it this way – crisis averted.
JOHN
You cold-hearted bitch.
LUCY
It’s been said.
JOHN
What about me then? Where’s my moment of happiness? Where’s my grand prize so I can hurry up and join Charlie in the pit?
LUCY
Actually, I have some bad news on that front…
JOHN
What? What happened?
LUCY
Remember when I said you have to word what you say properly? Well, your friend failed to do that, and in turn he canceled out your deal.
JOHN
Oh, and how’d he do that?
LUCY
He asked for me to stop the apocalypse, but he never said how he wanted me to stop it.
JOHN
I knew it, I knew you’d find a way to dick this around.
LUCY
Hey, I gave him the disclaimer. It’s not my fault he didn’t listen.
JOHN
So what’s this all mean then? How has the apocalypse stopped?
LUCY
Every person, every animal, every insect, every creature, every single thing that could be construed as an attributor to the end of the world has ceased to live.
JOHN
So what you’re saying is you’ve killed off everyone and everything?
LUCY
Well, if you wanna use the layman…
JOHN
Cut the shit! That’s not what Charlie’s deal was and you know it! Fix it!
LUCY
Sorry, the deal was between Charlie and myself, not you. I held up my end of the bargain and he held up his. Nothing can be done now.
JOHN
What then, does this mean I have my soul back if his deal cut mine off?
LUCY
Umm, no, actually. See, selling your soul is one of those “All sales are final” situations. And it was key to have the apocalypse going so you could get your moment of happiness. No apocalypse means no happiness.
JOHN
Why the hell not?
LUCY
It’s not like I have some magic wand that dopes you up on tranquilizers, your happiness was supposed to be one of those self-realization moments.
JOHN
God damnit, I knew you’d find a way out of this, out of all of this.
LUCY
Woah now, wait a minute. It’s not like you walk away empty handed. I’ve given you a gift.
JOHN
Oh really, what’s that, herpes?
LUCY
No, immortality.
JOHN
And what am I supposed to do with that?
LUCY
Uh, I think the whole point is to live? It’s kind of written into the fabric of the idea surrounding immortality.
JOHN
No, you smart ass. What am I supposed to do in a world where no one else is alive? Where I’m the only one around.
LUCY
Ah, I see the issue now. Let me explain it to you like this; You sold your soul and were guaranteed a trip to Hell in doing so. However, instead of taking you to my Hell, I’m giving you a chance to create your own. Don’t get me wrong, mine is brutal, but yours is going to be so much worse. It’s one thing to be tortured by demons and damned souls twenty-four/seven. It’s a completely different beast when you’re left to torture yourself. But if you’ll excuse me, I really must be going.
JOHN
Going where? I’m fairly certain your three o’clock was canceled when you killed everyone.
LUCY
Jeez, such a sourpuss… But yes, my three o’clock was canceled, hence why I’m heading home.
JOHN
Home? You mean Hell?
LUCY
No, I mean home. As in the other place.
JOHN
Heaven?
LUCY
Y’know, calling it that is so misleading. There’s no beer on tap, no rock music blaring loudly in the background, no cherubs wearing diapers or completely nude women playing harps. It’s very reminiscent of a sixth grade middle school classroom – devoid of anything fun.
JOHN
But why are you heading there? More importantly, how are you heading there?
LUCY
Are you kidding me? It may not look like it, but I’m packing a mean set of wings under this blouse that would make Kotex proud. As for why, well, let’s just say I get to go to my daddy and tell him “I told you so”.
(Lucy walks to the bunker door and opens it)
LUCY
Cheer up, Johnny. It’s not all that bad. Think about it like this, there’s no more waiting in line to use the bathroom after you get out of the movies.
JOHN
Forgive me if I’m seem ungrateful, but that really doesn’t make me feel better…
LUCY
Oh John, John, John. How you’ve dug yourself a hole… Ah well, shit happens. I hate to cut and run, but I’m really late now for my dinner date with daddy. One last thing before I go though…
JOHN
What?
LUCY
Welcome to Hell. Enjoy your stay.
(Lucy steps outside the door and closes it, leaving John alone to contemplate oblivion)
The End
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)
Paul W.S Anderson is a dick, 'nuff said.
Okay, maybe there's not enough said to supply my comment with truth, so let me give you some clarity as to why this guy is a walking stiffy in need of a circumcision.
Paul W.S Anderson is a filmmaker in charge of writing and sometimes directing the Resident Evil movies. It's a franchise spawned from the critically acclaimed video game series of the same name. The story for the games is simple; You start out with a viral outbreak in a secluded research facility, only to discover that the outbreak has spread to the local town, and soon the world. A group of various survivors band together to take down the evil Umbrella Corporation for contaminating the world with not only a viral pestilence, but a pestilence that turns its victims into flesh-eating zombies. Oh, and there's hot chicks with guns. Like I said, simple.
Now, Paul W.S Anderson is a simple-minded guy. However, he seems to have taken such a simple plot and convoluted it into a complex quadrilogy of films that barely mask anything resembling the games at all, the exception being zombies and hot chicks with guns. We see the first film take place in a similar setting as that of the first game, but soon realize that the only thing this movie is sporting from the game is how ludicrous it is (Keep in mind I'm a huge fan of the RE series, but even I have to admit the original incarnation of the game was laughable at times). There's a mansion set in the outskirts of Raccoon City that acts as a cover for an underground laboratory where experimentation with the "T-Virus" is taking place. But as fate would have it, things go wrong. Soon the entire lab staff is killed off, only to come back as walking dead-heads that long for human flesh. Cue the covert SWAT team sent in to take over the situation. A person dies here, someone gets infected over there and we're finally given the end of the film - a big boss battle on a moving train with a creature that makes Gene Simmons' tongue look miniscule. Our heroine makes short work of the creature though, ensuring we'll get to see a few more nip-slips from her in future installments, but making us really wonder if these gratuitous tit shots are even worth the viewing of a sequel.
Sadly, I'm a masochist and someone with hope, so I continued to watch the series.
Resident Evil: Apocalypse was probably the only decent flick in the series, for it actually incorporated a lot of the game lore in itself. It gave us Raccoon City overrun with a zombie infestation, a hulking "Nemesis" that pursued the remaining S.T.A.R.S members due to their involvement in spoiling Umbrella's affairs, actual main characters from the games, and it even had a touch of George Romero in their if I don't mind saying (This is where I point out Capcom passed on Romero doing the RE films because they felt his original script was taking too many liberties with the franchise - this makes me laugh. Here's a link to his copy of the script, which is actually more game accurate than anything Anderson has done with all four films combined. http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/resident_evil_romero.html).
Resident Evil: Extinction may have some relatability with the games (I.E - Characters and the continued involvement of Umbrella), but was probably the worst film out of the series... That was until Resident Evil: Afterlife stepped up to the plate, but I'll touch base with that momentarily. RE:E placed us in a post-apocalyptic zombie wasteland where only a handful of people were left fighting to survive. Cue the heroine to come in, fight an ugly monster and save the day. We are then left with the sense everything will be ended on a note where the franchise will finally die. Depressingly, the movie injected itself with a dose of the T-Virus and promised more films... with an army of Milla Jovovich clones (Put that boner away, this is a not a good thing).
The story of Resident Evil is continued in the already alluded to "Afterlife". We're reintroduced into this post-apocalyptic world where zombies roam free and the Umbrella Corporation is still tugging on the strings of humanity. Our heroine, Alice, sets out to put a stop to the dastardly plans put in place by Umbrella and encounters some new faces, as well as old ones. Claire Redfield is brought back into the story after escaping to Alaska, but we soon find that even in this zombie-riddled planet her brother Chris is still alive. Teamed together with the Redfield siblings, Alice lays siege to Umbrella for a final confrontation with the man responsible for the world catastrophe, Albert Wesker.
*Spoiler Alert*
From here on out I shall be delving into the plot of RE:AL, so if you're interested in seeing the film I'd suggest you stop reading now. More over, I will also be supplementing various game references, rather they were done on purpose or inadvertently.
Resident Evil: Afterlife
Starring:
Milla Jovovich - Alice
Ali Larter - Claire Redfield
Wentworth Miller - Chris Redfield
Shawn Roberts - Albert Wesker
Boris Kodjoe - Luther West
Written and Directed By:
Paul W.S Anderson
The film's credit sequence starts with a woman standing amidst a crowd of passers-by, leaving the audience to wonder if her standing there so much is causing her feet to ache like no other. Don't fret though, she's obviously dead and can't feel the pain. This point is proven when she lashes out and attacks the crowd. We then cut to Alice infiltrating a hidden underground base in Tokyo. We get some stealthiness on her part, as well as a bunch of hired muscle running around like chickens with their head's cut off. Finally, she reveals herself and attempts to kick major ass. The issue with this is how the ass kicking is overshadowed by the insanely ludicrous acrobatics she's pulling off, namely stopping in the middle of the air and rotating her position for a better vantage point of attack. This is where I prepared myself for a massive headache that was sure to last longer than the ninety minutes the film boasted as its run time.
More visual obscenities occur once we realize that we're not dealing with the real Alice, but the clones we were made privy to in the last film. Some of them are picked off as if they were random Stormtroopers that weren't even given a name badge on training day, and others prove they're far more resilient by leaping out of windows and free-falling down a shaft to where the head honcho is. All of this is fine and dandy in a sense, but is immediately shut down when Wesker escapes. Not to worry though, it's made very clear all of the clones that infiltrated Umbrella's base were blown up in a massive explosion caused by the "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night" spokesperson. Let's only hope it was a suicide run done by every single clone Alice had and they destroyed any chance of exploring that idiotic plot device further. Continuing...
Wesker's making his big getaway in an aerial craft, most likely thinking about how cool he was for blowing up tons of chicks and a giant chunk of Tokyo all at once. His victory is short lived though, because the real Alice secretly stowed away in the cargo hold of his high-tech helicopter, and she seems a little upset that he gave her clones a blow job they won't soon forget. Wait, scratch that, they're dead, so they will forget it. Either way, Alice is pissed. Naturally, this means point your gun at the bad guy's head and approach him quietly so he doesn't know you're there, then declare your presence so he can take your gun away and jab you in the neck with an anti-virus. (I may have forgotten to mention that Alice was infused with the T-Virus, granting her superhuman abilities) We get a brief gloating on Wesker's end and Alice thanking him for making her human once more, but this touching scene of masculinity is soon interrupted by an impending crash. Apparently planes can't fly when no one is flying them. Weird. The plane crashes into a mountainside (RE5 reference, Wesker's supposed death via a mountainside) and we're left to assume Alice is the only survivor of it, even though she just got her special abilities taken away. Trust me, things get worse from here on out.
Six months pass and Alice is left to scour the world. She finds no trace of survivors, but decides maybe her best bet is to fly to Alaska and look for all the survivors who headed there in the last film... Wait, what? She can't find survivors, but she waits six months to go and look at this place where the survivors are supposed to be heading? Yeah, because that makes sense. If I'm in a world overrun by zombies and I know where everyone is heading please remember that it'll take me at least six months to come look for you. After all, I'm going to be quite busy having my head up my ass. But enough about me, back to the film... Alice lands at the destination in Alaska where all these people are supposed to be and finds that (drum roll please...) the entire place is deserted! Of course, the only thing to do is sit down on a beach and feel sorry for one's self, recording all of what's happening for no one in particular to see. Cue the crazy bitch with a knife. Alice spots what appears to be a survivor, but it's actually a device-possessed Claire out to gut a hoe. Some minor scuffling ensues and Alice knocks Claire out. Some time passes by, the scene switches to night and Alice reveals to Claire that she was being controlled by this mechanical parasite strapped to her chest (RE5 reference, Jill was being controlled by Wesker via the same mechanical parasite). We then learn Claire is suffering from amnesia and doesn't recall the events that transpired in the third film (lucky bint), or even who Alice is. With that, we take off with the female pair in Alice's plane and head to Los Angeles. Naturally.
Quickly upon arriving in L.A, the dynamic duo stumble across a group of survivors on a rooftop. The funny thing with this scene is Alice's comment about how there are no zombies in sight, yet the entire building with the survivors is blatantly surrounded by hordes of the undead. This is great scriptwriting at its best, I tell you. So, Alice surveys the situation, comments on not using the front door (after all, there are all those zombies in sight) and decides her best course of action is a suicide landing on the rooftop. We get a scene of everyone prepping for the cataclysmic crash and Alice's maneuvering with the plane, only to be sadly disappointed when the plane is successfully stopped from going over the rooftop's edge into a waiting crowd of walking fleshbags. Damnit, so close!
We get introductions from the lot stationed at the now obvious prison, and learn that one of its inhabitants is a basketball superstar. However, the geek in me was already saying there's only one super-S.T.A.R(S) in this film, and it ain't that guy. But wouldn't you know it, Paul W.S Anderson fucked that up, too. We learn Chris Redfield (main character of RE1, RE: Code Veronica, and RE5) is being held captive in the lower levels of the prison, but there's absolutely no mention whatsoever of his affiliation with S.T.A.R.S. Instead, we get a BS story about how he was part of a government group sent in to secure the prison and enlist its inmates as soldiers against the endless waves of zombies on the streets. The sad part is he got the short end of the stick and was tossed into a cell when the prisoners were released. No offense, but it serves the little bastard right for beating out Jensen Ackles as the lead male for the film.
To advance the plot it's revealed Chris knows a way out of the prison and will help them escape to Arcadia, a cargo ship of survivors, upon his release. Almost everyone is in agreeance that letting Chris out is a bad idea, but it's soon overturned when the zombies break in through a tunnel they made from the bottom of the prison, which coincidentally leads to the ocean. During the team assembling themselves like a half-assed Avengers, we have three events happen: Chris reconnects with his sister Claire (RE: Code Veronica reference), whom he thought died, a hulking beast of muscle and gore carrying a large axe is seen heading towards the prison gates (RE5 reference - The Executioner), and the zombies appear to have mutated with no explanation as to why (RE4 and RE5, the Las Plagas replaces the zombies from the earlier games as walking bullet fodder). The group of people attempt to gather weapons and leave the prison via a tank-like vehicle, only to be left behind by one of the survivors via Alice's plane, and everyone else being taken out because of various creatures. Alice, Chris, Claire and Luther are all herded back inside, deciding to use the tunnel created by the zombies as a means to get to the ocean. The Executioner appears and does what he does best - get his ass kicked - and then we have the group thinned out more when Luther is trapped in a tunnel with zombies. Things aren't looking up for our survivors, nor for the movie viewers at this point.
Alice, Claire and Chris make their way to Arcadia, the massive ship out in the middle of the sea, only to find it completely deserted. Where's the crew? What happened to the life boats? Why are we still trapped watching high priced mediocrity? The general answer the audience is left with is "Eh, you got me."
The trio make their way down to the cargo hold to see if maybe there's anyone down there, but are startled to discover that all of the ship's passengers are beneath their feet, awaiting possible experimentation from none other than Wesker. See, in the games we're shown Wesker as a completely arrogant, but cool asshole. In the film however, we're just begging for Alice to blow his head off with a shotgun round full of quarters (Scott Pilgrim, eat your heart out).
Yes, Wesker survived the plane crash into the mountainside and has been picking up passengers for his all expenses paid cruise around the zombie-ridden globe. Why you ask? For two very important reasons - experimentation and trying to curb the virus in his own body from taking over (RE: Code Veronica and RE5 reference, slight). Things get really odd though, when Wesker tells Alice he must ingest people, as well as her, to cure himself of the possibility that the virus may take hold of him (NOT A VIDEO GAME REFERENCE). At this point, a battle royale takes place between Alice, Chris, Claire, the weaselly dude that stole Alice's plane, two Las Plagas infected dogs, and a supercharged Wesker who is also affected with Las Plagas (NOT A VIDEO GAME REFERENCE). There's a scuffle here, some Matrix-style backflips there, shattered glass, knife wounds, and finally a shotgun blast to the head that we all hoped would end Wesker's smug and massively annoying existence. We're not that lucky though... The pretty boy gets back up, goes to attack the group again, but then is stopped by Claire and Chris emptying a respective clip each into the little bastard's body. Yes, finally, the bitch is down... Hey, wait, how the hell did he get in a helicopter?! GOD DAMNIT!!! I swear I'm asking for a refund if they leave it open for a sequel with him in it. Oh, good, he blew up with his own self-destruct device. Yay, problem solved!
Okay, we're left with Alice, Claire and Chris rescuing everyone from their cryogenic slumber, reuniting with more old friends and a sense that maybe this horrendous nightmare is over. Cue the swarms and swarms of helicopters surrounding the boat like locusts! Yes, my dear friends, Umbrella is back on the scene and massively pissed that their Chairman received a blow job he wouldn't soon forget... Oh, wait, nevermind. The credits begin to roll, and we all start to release a sigh of relief, but not before we're given a glimpse at the leader of the aerial battalion: None other than a device-possessed Jill Valentine (RE5 reference) whom we haven't seen since the second film. Insert "dun-dun-dun!" here.
The problem with this film, and I'm talking the main one, not all of the other problems that truly make this a terrifically terrible sight to see, is Paul W.S Anderson wrote this movie to show off Milla Jovovich. This was his way of saying "Hey guys, look who I get to bang every night and you don't!" Not at all did he write this as a fan of the game franchise, for the fans of the game franchise, or even for himself - he wrote this as a way to show off his wife and appease her desire to be seen as a female action icon. Sadly, that's why this film doesn't work. It wasn't conceived with any fanbase in mind, other than his own geekiness towards Milla. Don't get me wrong, Milla is a painfully attractive woman at times, but to base an entire film around putting your wife on a pedestal is not only downright destructive to your material, but it also goes to show just how amateur these "professional" directors can be. Do yourself a favor, skip this flick on that principle alone. If you still feel the desire to watch it, at least wait until it comes out on Red Box or see it in 3D so it's not as gratuitous a view. Watching this film any other way would be destructive to your mental health, trust me.
Okay, maybe there's not enough said to supply my comment with truth, so let me give you some clarity as to why this guy is a walking stiffy in need of a circumcision.
Paul W.S Anderson is a filmmaker in charge of writing and sometimes directing the Resident Evil movies. It's a franchise spawned from the critically acclaimed video game series of the same name. The story for the games is simple; You start out with a viral outbreak in a secluded research facility, only to discover that the outbreak has spread to the local town, and soon the world. A group of various survivors band together to take down the evil Umbrella Corporation for contaminating the world with not only a viral pestilence, but a pestilence that turns its victims into flesh-eating zombies. Oh, and there's hot chicks with guns. Like I said, simple.
Now, Paul W.S Anderson is a simple-minded guy. However, he seems to have taken such a simple plot and convoluted it into a complex quadrilogy of films that barely mask anything resembling the games at all, the exception being zombies and hot chicks with guns. We see the first film take place in a similar setting as that of the first game, but soon realize that the only thing this movie is sporting from the game is how ludicrous it is (Keep in mind I'm a huge fan of the RE series, but even I have to admit the original incarnation of the game was laughable at times). There's a mansion set in the outskirts of Raccoon City that acts as a cover for an underground laboratory where experimentation with the "T-Virus" is taking place. But as fate would have it, things go wrong. Soon the entire lab staff is killed off, only to come back as walking dead-heads that long for human flesh. Cue the covert SWAT team sent in to take over the situation. A person dies here, someone gets infected over there and we're finally given the end of the film - a big boss battle on a moving train with a creature that makes Gene Simmons' tongue look miniscule. Our heroine makes short work of the creature though, ensuring we'll get to see a few more nip-slips from her in future installments, but making us really wonder if these gratuitous tit shots are even worth the viewing of a sequel.
Sadly, I'm a masochist and someone with hope, so I continued to watch the series.
Resident Evil: Apocalypse was probably the only decent flick in the series, for it actually incorporated a lot of the game lore in itself. It gave us Raccoon City overrun with a zombie infestation, a hulking "Nemesis" that pursued the remaining S.T.A.R.S members due to their involvement in spoiling Umbrella's affairs, actual main characters from the games, and it even had a touch of George Romero in their if I don't mind saying (This is where I point out Capcom passed on Romero doing the RE films because they felt his original script was taking too many liberties with the franchise - this makes me laugh. Here's a link to his copy of the script, which is actually more game accurate than anything Anderson has done with all four films combined. http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/resident_evil_romero.html).
Resident Evil: Extinction may have some relatability with the games (I.E - Characters and the continued involvement of Umbrella), but was probably the worst film out of the series... That was until Resident Evil: Afterlife stepped up to the plate, but I'll touch base with that momentarily. RE:E placed us in a post-apocalyptic zombie wasteland where only a handful of people were left fighting to survive. Cue the heroine to come in, fight an ugly monster and save the day. We are then left with the sense everything will be ended on a note where the franchise will finally die. Depressingly, the movie injected itself with a dose of the T-Virus and promised more films... with an army of Milla Jovovich clones (Put that boner away, this is a not a good thing).
The story of Resident Evil is continued in the already alluded to "Afterlife". We're reintroduced into this post-apocalyptic world where zombies roam free and the Umbrella Corporation is still tugging on the strings of humanity. Our heroine, Alice, sets out to put a stop to the dastardly plans put in place by Umbrella and encounters some new faces, as well as old ones. Claire Redfield is brought back into the story after escaping to Alaska, but we soon find that even in this zombie-riddled planet her brother Chris is still alive. Teamed together with the Redfield siblings, Alice lays siege to Umbrella for a final confrontation with the man responsible for the world catastrophe, Albert Wesker.
*Spoiler Alert*
From here on out I shall be delving into the plot of RE:AL, so if you're interested in seeing the film I'd suggest you stop reading now. More over, I will also be supplementing various game references, rather they were done on purpose or inadvertently.
Resident Evil: Afterlife
Starring:
Milla Jovovich - Alice
Ali Larter - Claire Redfield
Wentworth Miller - Chris Redfield
Shawn Roberts - Albert Wesker
Boris Kodjoe - Luther West
Written and Directed By:
Paul W.S Anderson
The film's credit sequence starts with a woman standing amidst a crowd of passers-by, leaving the audience to wonder if her standing there so much is causing her feet to ache like no other. Don't fret though, she's obviously dead and can't feel the pain. This point is proven when she lashes out and attacks the crowd. We then cut to Alice infiltrating a hidden underground base in Tokyo. We get some stealthiness on her part, as well as a bunch of hired muscle running around like chickens with their head's cut off. Finally, she reveals herself and attempts to kick major ass. The issue with this is how the ass kicking is overshadowed by the insanely ludicrous acrobatics she's pulling off, namely stopping in the middle of the air and rotating her position for a better vantage point of attack. This is where I prepared myself for a massive headache that was sure to last longer than the ninety minutes the film boasted as its run time.
More visual obscenities occur once we realize that we're not dealing with the real Alice, but the clones we were made privy to in the last film. Some of them are picked off as if they were random Stormtroopers that weren't even given a name badge on training day, and others prove they're far more resilient by leaping out of windows and free-falling down a shaft to where the head honcho is. All of this is fine and dandy in a sense, but is immediately shut down when Wesker escapes. Not to worry though, it's made very clear all of the clones that infiltrated Umbrella's base were blown up in a massive explosion caused by the "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night" spokesperson. Let's only hope it was a suicide run done by every single clone Alice had and they destroyed any chance of exploring that idiotic plot device further. Continuing...
Wesker's making his big getaway in an aerial craft, most likely thinking about how cool he was for blowing up tons of chicks and a giant chunk of Tokyo all at once. His victory is short lived though, because the real Alice secretly stowed away in the cargo hold of his high-tech helicopter, and she seems a little upset that he gave her clones a blow job they won't soon forget. Wait, scratch that, they're dead, so they will forget it. Either way, Alice is pissed. Naturally, this means point your gun at the bad guy's head and approach him quietly so he doesn't know you're there, then declare your presence so he can take your gun away and jab you in the neck with an anti-virus. (I may have forgotten to mention that Alice was infused with the T-Virus, granting her superhuman abilities) We get a brief gloating on Wesker's end and Alice thanking him for making her human once more, but this touching scene of masculinity is soon interrupted by an impending crash. Apparently planes can't fly when no one is flying them. Weird. The plane crashes into a mountainside (RE5 reference, Wesker's supposed death via a mountainside) and we're left to assume Alice is the only survivor of it, even though she just got her special abilities taken away. Trust me, things get worse from here on out.
Six months pass and Alice is left to scour the world. She finds no trace of survivors, but decides maybe her best bet is to fly to Alaska and look for all the survivors who headed there in the last film... Wait, what? She can't find survivors, but she waits six months to go and look at this place where the survivors are supposed to be heading? Yeah, because that makes sense. If I'm in a world overrun by zombies and I know where everyone is heading please remember that it'll take me at least six months to come look for you. After all, I'm going to be quite busy having my head up my ass. But enough about me, back to the film... Alice lands at the destination in Alaska where all these people are supposed to be and finds that (drum roll please...) the entire place is deserted! Of course, the only thing to do is sit down on a beach and feel sorry for one's self, recording all of what's happening for no one in particular to see. Cue the crazy bitch with a knife. Alice spots what appears to be a survivor, but it's actually a device-possessed Claire out to gut a hoe. Some minor scuffling ensues and Alice knocks Claire out. Some time passes by, the scene switches to night and Alice reveals to Claire that she was being controlled by this mechanical parasite strapped to her chest (RE5 reference, Jill was being controlled by Wesker via the same mechanical parasite). We then learn Claire is suffering from amnesia and doesn't recall the events that transpired in the third film (lucky bint), or even who Alice is. With that, we take off with the female pair in Alice's plane and head to Los Angeles. Naturally.
Quickly upon arriving in L.A, the dynamic duo stumble across a group of survivors on a rooftop. The funny thing with this scene is Alice's comment about how there are no zombies in sight, yet the entire building with the survivors is blatantly surrounded by hordes of the undead. This is great scriptwriting at its best, I tell you. So, Alice surveys the situation, comments on not using the front door (after all, there are all those zombies in sight) and decides her best course of action is a suicide landing on the rooftop. We get a scene of everyone prepping for the cataclysmic crash and Alice's maneuvering with the plane, only to be sadly disappointed when the plane is successfully stopped from going over the rooftop's edge into a waiting crowd of walking fleshbags. Damnit, so close!
We get introductions from the lot stationed at the now obvious prison, and learn that one of its inhabitants is a basketball superstar. However, the geek in me was already saying there's only one super-S.T.A.R(S) in this film, and it ain't that guy. But wouldn't you know it, Paul W.S Anderson fucked that up, too. We learn Chris Redfield (main character of RE1, RE: Code Veronica, and RE5) is being held captive in the lower levels of the prison, but there's absolutely no mention whatsoever of his affiliation with S.T.A.R.S. Instead, we get a BS story about how he was part of a government group sent in to secure the prison and enlist its inmates as soldiers against the endless waves of zombies on the streets. The sad part is he got the short end of the stick and was tossed into a cell when the prisoners were released. No offense, but it serves the little bastard right for beating out Jensen Ackles as the lead male for the film.
To advance the plot it's revealed Chris knows a way out of the prison and will help them escape to Arcadia, a cargo ship of survivors, upon his release. Almost everyone is in agreeance that letting Chris out is a bad idea, but it's soon overturned when the zombies break in through a tunnel they made from the bottom of the prison, which coincidentally leads to the ocean. During the team assembling themselves like a half-assed Avengers, we have three events happen: Chris reconnects with his sister Claire (RE: Code Veronica reference), whom he thought died, a hulking beast of muscle and gore carrying a large axe is seen heading towards the prison gates (RE5 reference - The Executioner), and the zombies appear to have mutated with no explanation as to why (RE4 and RE5, the Las Plagas replaces the zombies from the earlier games as walking bullet fodder). The group of people attempt to gather weapons and leave the prison via a tank-like vehicle, only to be left behind by one of the survivors via Alice's plane, and everyone else being taken out because of various creatures. Alice, Chris, Claire and Luther are all herded back inside, deciding to use the tunnel created by the zombies as a means to get to the ocean. The Executioner appears and does what he does best - get his ass kicked - and then we have the group thinned out more when Luther is trapped in a tunnel with zombies. Things aren't looking up for our survivors, nor for the movie viewers at this point.
Alice, Claire and Chris make their way to Arcadia, the massive ship out in the middle of the sea, only to find it completely deserted. Where's the crew? What happened to the life boats? Why are we still trapped watching high priced mediocrity? The general answer the audience is left with is "Eh, you got me."
The trio make their way down to the cargo hold to see if maybe there's anyone down there, but are startled to discover that all of the ship's passengers are beneath their feet, awaiting possible experimentation from none other than Wesker. See, in the games we're shown Wesker as a completely arrogant, but cool asshole. In the film however, we're just begging for Alice to blow his head off with a shotgun round full of quarters (Scott Pilgrim, eat your heart out).
Yes, Wesker survived the plane crash into the mountainside and has been picking up passengers for his all expenses paid cruise around the zombie-ridden globe. Why you ask? For two very important reasons - experimentation and trying to curb the virus in his own body from taking over (RE: Code Veronica and RE5 reference, slight). Things get really odd though, when Wesker tells Alice he must ingest people, as well as her, to cure himself of the possibility that the virus may take hold of him (NOT A VIDEO GAME REFERENCE). At this point, a battle royale takes place between Alice, Chris, Claire, the weaselly dude that stole Alice's plane, two Las Plagas infected dogs, and a supercharged Wesker who is also affected with Las Plagas (NOT A VIDEO GAME REFERENCE). There's a scuffle here, some Matrix-style backflips there, shattered glass, knife wounds, and finally a shotgun blast to the head that we all hoped would end Wesker's smug and massively annoying existence. We're not that lucky though... The pretty boy gets back up, goes to attack the group again, but then is stopped by Claire and Chris emptying a respective clip each into the little bastard's body. Yes, finally, the bitch is down... Hey, wait, how the hell did he get in a helicopter?! GOD DAMNIT!!! I swear I'm asking for a refund if they leave it open for a sequel with him in it. Oh, good, he blew up with his own self-destruct device. Yay, problem solved!
Okay, we're left with Alice, Claire and Chris rescuing everyone from their cryogenic slumber, reuniting with more old friends and a sense that maybe this horrendous nightmare is over. Cue the swarms and swarms of helicopters surrounding the boat like locusts! Yes, my dear friends, Umbrella is back on the scene and massively pissed that their Chairman received a blow job he wouldn't soon forget... Oh, wait, nevermind. The credits begin to roll, and we all start to release a sigh of relief, but not before we're given a glimpse at the leader of the aerial battalion: None other than a device-possessed Jill Valentine (RE5 reference) whom we haven't seen since the second film. Insert "dun-dun-dun!" here.
The problem with this film, and I'm talking the main one, not all of the other problems that truly make this a terrifically terrible sight to see, is Paul W.S Anderson wrote this movie to show off Milla Jovovich. This was his way of saying "Hey guys, look who I get to bang every night and you don't!" Not at all did he write this as a fan of the game franchise, for the fans of the game franchise, or even for himself - he wrote this as a way to show off his wife and appease her desire to be seen as a female action icon. Sadly, that's why this film doesn't work. It wasn't conceived with any fanbase in mind, other than his own geekiness towards Milla. Don't get me wrong, Milla is a painfully attractive woman at times, but to base an entire film around putting your wife on a pedestal is not only downright destructive to your material, but it also goes to show just how amateur these "professional" directors can be. Do yourself a favor, skip this flick on that principle alone. If you still feel the desire to watch it, at least wait until it comes out on Red Box or see it in 3D so it's not as gratuitous a view. Watching this film any other way would be destructive to your mental health, trust me.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
"Killed By Love"
I hate it when the metaphorical anvil falls on my head because of something someone says, not because I discover something myself.
I have to say that even though I'm a loyal fan to Alice Cooper, I haven't been too impressed with some of his later work. See, I'm more of a "Welcome to my Nightmare" type of guy, or "Mascara and Monsters", not "Dirty Diamonds" or "Brutal Planet". Sure, "The Eyes of Alice Cooper" was a pretty good album, especially with songs like "Spirits Rebellious", "What Do You Want From Me?", and even the softer "Be With You Awhile" (that album's "Only Women Bleed"), but anything he produces now just feels really paled compared to songs like "No More Mr. Nice Guy", "I'm Eighteen" and "School's Out". However, I've been delving deep into the world of Alice the past few days and am pleasantly surprised with what I've been learning about his most recent album, "Along Came A Spider".
Now, I thought this album was just a cruddy follow-up to the aforementioned "Dirty Diamonds", but I was luckily mistaken. Here's a little back story for those of you interested - First off, Alice Cooper always loves to tell a story, and usually does so with each of his albums. "Welcome to my Nightmare" was about his trip through the dream world, while "Constrictor" was about his battle with alcoholism, and I'm fairly certain you can guess what his disco album "Go to Hell" was about. Believe my surprise when I heard his most recent album was about a serial killer who was constructing a spider out of human body parts, only to fall in love with one of his victims AND have a religious epiphany! (Take a moment to process this if you need, I'll wait.)
Remember that anvil I mentioned earlier? Yeah, well, it actually took me watching some Alice Cooper interviews to figure all of this stuff out about "Along Came A Spider". Trust me, I died a little on the inside... What's more, one of the songs I had been listening to off the album for awhile now is actually the key turning point to the story, the one where "The Spider" (who I just found out could be Steven from some of his other stories) falls in love with his victim and discovers his faith. With that, I reveal that the song is none other than "Killed by Love".
I was always given the impression that it was just another song about love being a hurtful bitch, but I wasn't really listening to the lyrics. It's not a person that's dying, not in the physical sense anyways. "The Spider" has fallen in love with the last person he needs to kill, only to have that love kill his personality. On top of that, he's starting to have doubts about everything he's been doing and looks to God for answers. Epicness Level - Over 9,000!
I know Alice Cooper isn't for everyone. After all, not a lot of people like seeing a decapitated head spit blood all over an executioner, only to magically be reattached to its body, but hey, not everything Alice Cooper does is like that. Go look at "I Never Cry", that is the epitome of one of the worst break-up songs ever! Anyways, I leave you with the lyrics for "Killed by Love", and the music video. Give it a gander if you're inclined. Oh, and another song worth a listen is his tune "Cleansed by Fire" off of "The Last Temptation". Enjoy!
P.S - I'd like to give a big thanks to everyone who has been showing me tremendous support through this situation, everyone who loved my last blog, and everyone who keeps saying things like "But you're made of *WIN*, why would this happen?!" I don't know who lied to you guys and made you believe I'm a nice dude, but the thought is truly appreciated! Thanks!
Killed by Love - Alice Cooper
I've got more to lose, more to lose than you
Cause I'm the only one in love between us too
I know that I've been struck by lightning from above
Cause I've been killed by love
I got a longer fall, a longer fall to take
Cause I'm a bigger fool with a bigger heart to break
You pushed me way to far, a push became a shove
And I was killed by love
Drop me off in a crowded lonely city
Everybody there was crying
Drop me off in a town without pity
And let me be the one that's dying
Killed by love
Killed by love
Killed by love
Oh bye bye love
Ha ha ha ha
Killed by love (killed by love)
Killed by love (killed by love)
Killed by love (killed by love)
Oh bye bye love (oh bye bye)
Killed by love oh yeah
Killed by love, I'm thinking fast baby
Killed by love, you know you're killing me baby
Baby, baby
Oh bye bye love
I have to say that even though I'm a loyal fan to Alice Cooper, I haven't been too impressed with some of his later work. See, I'm more of a "Welcome to my Nightmare" type of guy, or "Mascara and Monsters", not "Dirty Diamonds" or "Brutal Planet". Sure, "The Eyes of Alice Cooper" was a pretty good album, especially with songs like "Spirits Rebellious", "What Do You Want From Me?", and even the softer "Be With You Awhile" (that album's "Only Women Bleed"), but anything he produces now just feels really paled compared to songs like "No More Mr. Nice Guy", "I'm Eighteen" and "School's Out". However, I've been delving deep into the world of Alice the past few days and am pleasantly surprised with what I've been learning about his most recent album, "Along Came A Spider".
Now, I thought this album was just a cruddy follow-up to the aforementioned "Dirty Diamonds", but I was luckily mistaken. Here's a little back story for those of you interested - First off, Alice Cooper always loves to tell a story, and usually does so with each of his albums. "Welcome to my Nightmare" was about his trip through the dream world, while "Constrictor" was about his battle with alcoholism, and I'm fairly certain you can guess what his disco album "Go to Hell" was about. Believe my surprise when I heard his most recent album was about a serial killer who was constructing a spider out of human body parts, only to fall in love with one of his victims AND have a religious epiphany! (Take a moment to process this if you need, I'll wait.)
Remember that anvil I mentioned earlier? Yeah, well, it actually took me watching some Alice Cooper interviews to figure all of this stuff out about "Along Came A Spider". Trust me, I died a little on the inside... What's more, one of the songs I had been listening to off the album for awhile now is actually the key turning point to the story, the one where "The Spider" (who I just found out could be Steven from some of his other stories) falls in love with his victim and discovers his faith. With that, I reveal that the song is none other than "Killed by Love".
I was always given the impression that it was just another song about love being a hurtful bitch, but I wasn't really listening to the lyrics. It's not a person that's dying, not in the physical sense anyways. "The Spider" has fallen in love with the last person he needs to kill, only to have that love kill his personality. On top of that, he's starting to have doubts about everything he's been doing and looks to God for answers. Epicness Level - Over 9,000!
I know Alice Cooper isn't for everyone. After all, not a lot of people like seeing a decapitated head spit blood all over an executioner, only to magically be reattached to its body, but hey, not everything Alice Cooper does is like that. Go look at "I Never Cry", that is the epitome of one of the worst break-up songs ever! Anyways, I leave you with the lyrics for "Killed by Love", and the music video. Give it a gander if you're inclined. Oh, and another song worth a listen is his tune "Cleansed by Fire" off of "The Last Temptation". Enjoy!
P.S - I'd like to give a big thanks to everyone who has been showing me tremendous support through this situation, everyone who loved my last blog, and everyone who keeps saying things like "But you're made of *WIN*, why would this happen?!" I don't know who lied to you guys and made you believe I'm a nice dude, but the thought is truly appreciated! Thanks!
Killed by Love - Alice Cooper
I've got more to lose, more to lose than you
Cause I'm the only one in love between us too
I know that I've been struck by lightning from above
Cause I've been killed by love
I got a longer fall, a longer fall to take
Cause I'm a bigger fool with a bigger heart to break
You pushed me way to far, a push became a shove
And I was killed by love
Drop me off in a crowded lonely city
Everybody there was crying
Drop me off in a town without pity
And let me be the one that's dying
Killed by love
Killed by love
Killed by love
Oh bye bye love
Ha ha ha ha
Killed by love (killed by love)
Killed by love (killed by love)
Killed by love (killed by love)
Oh bye bye love (oh bye bye)
Killed by love oh yeah
Killed by love, I'm thinking fast baby
Killed by love, you know you're killing me baby
Baby, baby
Oh bye bye love
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
A Believer in You
First and foremost, this blog is not intended to be malicious, nor insulting. It is merely an observation about the world we live in today and the people who reside in it. If this isn't your cup of tea, well, you know where the door is, don't let it hit ya where the good lord split ya! With that, I begin!
Religion. Religion is not a big thing for me. It never has been, it may very well never be (but I've been wrong before). Yeah, I may be a reverend (of Agnostic denomination), but I've never understood the big "hoopla" surrounding religion. However, that hasn't stopped it from laying impact upon my life.
My grandmother is religious. She goes to church (when she can build up the ambition to get out of bed), believes in God, says her prayers, etc. etc. I even think she classifies herself as a Christian. Has she told me to go to church before? You bet your ass she has! Has she ever forced me to go to church or sat me down to ask if I've found Jesus yet (By the way, this is where I'd normally say something along the lines of "Ah crap, have you lost him again?", but I'll bite my tongue)? No, she has never done that.
My other grandmother (a far less religious one, but who I'm told used to frequent church regularly) took me to church once. Don't ask me what sort of church it was because I was too young to remember all of the details. Either way, it wasn't a pleasant experience for me. I was pulled from my environment, taken away from my grandmother, sent to Sunday School and then found myself surrounded by a bunch of kids preaching about God. That wasn't the worst part though. The worst part came in the form of the Sunday School teacher. She seemed like a nice enough gal when not talking about God, but gave me the willies when everything detoured back to "Him".
"Has your soul been saved?", "Do you talk to God regularly?", "What's your favorite story from the Bible?"
What sort of questions were these for a four year old?! Up until I was eight I didn't even know what a "soul" was, let alone whether mine had been saved or not! As for the talking to God thing, I had tried once, but he never returned my call. It could have something to do with the fact that I didn't know how to dial his number, but that's just a theory. And what was my favorite story from the Bible? Well, I hadn't even seen one (a Bible I mean) until that very excursion to church, so the weird looks everyone gave me when I said "Batman" was understandable.
Needless to say, I freaked.
I proceeded to burst into tears and call the teacher fat, thus causing her to break into tears. Don't worry though, she got over it a lot quicker than I did with my "exposure" to holiness. Luckily, she was able to calm me down with some chocolate she had stuffed away in her desk, which ironically enough is why any time I walk into a church I automatically think there's chocolate hidden away somewhere, but I digress...
I've had a few other run-ins with religion. Nothing as traumatizing as my first visit to church, but still pretty bizarre. I've been hit on by Mormon chicks. I scared Latter Day Saints once by wearing an all black and red suit (for my brother's graduation, mind you). I was accosted at a bus stop by a Christian who thought my skull necklace was "Satan Worship". I've even been anointed with Jewish oil (Don't ask). Hell, I was told recently that I was being possessed by demons. Actually, that one stung a little because it messed with my head for a day or two. Oh, and because I shouldn't have been allowed near salt. Gotta have my salt...
Now though, I've been left to dwell on religion more so than I usually would. I have various groups of people telling me lots of different things. I've one religion telling me that I need to walk with God, that the only way to Heaven is "His" path. Without "Him" in my heart I'll surely be lost. Another religion is telling me that there is no such thing as Hell (which there is, go look at strip joints - the girls can touch you, but you can't touch them and you can't touch yourself! Come on!). A few other people with undisclosed beliefs have told me things like "There is no God, only existence.", "Your afterlife is what you make of it, just live as a good person and you'll be fine.", "When I die I'm going to the moon!" Yeah, that last one raised my eyebrows too. But you know what, it could've been worse, at least they didn't say Disneyland.
The thing I've come to realize about all of these point of views is this; None of them are wrong. Are any of them right though, that would be the question.
Ask any person from any religious denomination (or relationship with their "higher power") if their belief is wrong and they'll surely say no. They'll say that theirs is the only way and everyone else is just confused, that everyone else needs to (pretty much) pull their heads out of their asses and realize they're wrong.
How is that right?
There's God, Buddha, Kali, Thor (along with all of them up in Valhalla), Ganesha, Baron Samedi, Baldur, Hathor (as well as Anubis), Zeus (don't forget the troops over at Olympus), Hecate, cows (again, eyebrows raised), and countless others, each equipped with at least one religion to back them and an infinite list of things that I don't understand. Here's the thing though, each group thinks that they are the "super power" and the others are wrong. To me, that just sounds like a pissing contest.
"Oh, worship me and no one else." "No, worship me! I've got the ability to do this! (Flings arm and does something cool) See?!" "No, no, they've all got it wrong, it's actually all about me! I have chicken!!!"
As a westerner I'm told my "God of Choice" is "THE". You know, Mr. Almighty, "Mr. I let my son die to repent for humanity's sins, yet brought him back to do all this groovy stuff, but then had him become one with me, so now my son is known as me and I'm known as him, and it does sound like a really bad episode of Jerry Springer, but you have to have faith in this or be bludgeoned to death with something heavy." Figure out who it is now? Glad, thought you would.
The funny thing is I believe this. "Why", you ask?
First off, it sounds too ridiculous not to believe. Secondly, I have faith. Am I letting it drip out of every orifice? No. That's just a little unsanitary, and I've found it causes people to look at you differently. Is faith a bad thing to have? Of course not, everyone needs faith in something. Do I go to church every Sunday and turn to God every time I have an issue? No. I was told something once by a very smart individual, "God doesn't take attendance", which means I can use my time on Sunday for something more productive (like sarcastically thanking God for the weeds that sprouted in my backyard and grow like wildfire, which I can only cut down in the early morning because it's too damn hot to do it any other time of the day!) More over, I can't turn to God every time I have an issue. Yeah, the big stuff (like death or a serious break up) usually warrants a call to the big man, but a lot of people forget that he only helps the people that help themselves first. (And before anyone asks, yes, I pray, get over it.)
Okay, so we've established that I believe in God,(And FYI - just because I believe in God doesn't make any other religions not real) right? Right. Does that mean that just because I believe in God I am Christian, Catholic or what have you? No. There's too much crap happening behind the scenes in the Bible to dedicate myself to one of those titles. Besides, an older rule from Christianity says I'm going to Hell for having a tattoo. Sorry, but they can take that rule and shove it. On top of that, the Bible is mere interpretation, but I'll delve deeper into that in a bit, as well as my "other" belief.
This whole speaking of titles thing has made me realize something. Religion is high school. You've got all of these different groups that intermingle with one another, but never really understand or want to talk to each other. Not saying this is exactly how it would be, but let's look at it like this: Atheists - drop outs, Agnostics - geeks, Hinduism and other eastern religions - foreign exchange students, Catholicism - greasers/gang bangers, Judaism - the know-it-alls, Christianity - jocks/popular kids, and so on. You've got the Atheists who just want to be left alone, the Agnostics who pay attention to the world around them but don't say a word so they don't get pummeled, the Catholics who pick on whoever doesn't see things their way, the Easterners who don't know what the hell is going on, but all think we're stupid because of our arrogance, the Jews (only using the slang term to make a point, remember, no maliciousness!) who laugh at us because they think they have a better grasp on everything than we do, the Christians who trashcan and de-pants people because they are the "cool kids", and can do what they want. What all of these groups need is a rehashing of "The Breakfast Club" so they realize that it's not about titles, it's just about who we are. We're all different, yet we are all the same. We all breathe, bleed, and all have a fairly similar endgame in our religions (in a word, happiness). We, put simply, are people.
I mentioned a moment ago that I had another belief. That belief is in fact people. There is an issue with this though. People are flawed. I've been told you can't trust people, people are sinful, people are evil, blah blah blah. And to a certain extent, this is true. I said that the Bible is mere interpretation, and my point for that is it was written by man, so what was the "Word of God" could've been changed. That doesn't mean all of the Bible is wrong. I agree that you shouldn't covet a neighbor's wife, that killing is bad, lying just sucks (and breaking promises, which is a form of lying, and I'm a stickler for promises), and so on. But here's the sitch, God gave us three things, or gifts if you'd like to look at it that way - free will, the world, and each other.
Like I said, people are flawed. That doesn't stop a lot of us from trying to live a good life or do the right thing. Some times it seems hard to do what's right, and often people make mistakes, but people are also forgiving. I mean after all, we're only human and we all were cut from the same cloth, at least so to speak. Besides, a real God fearing person should realize that condemning humanity (like a couple of people I know) is actually one of the things that got Lucifer canned. Aside from his wanting to be seen as God (which actually makes sense, what child doesn't grow up and say "I want to be just like you!"?) or as better than God (again, what child doesn't grow up wanting to be better than their folks?), Lucifer was cast into Hell because he couldn't bow before man, because he didn't believe in us, because he didn't have faith in us.
I was told, very recently mind you, that my stake in humanity was wrong. I shouldn't place my faith in people because they'll let me down. In actuality, that train of thought is wrong, and a one-way ticket to Hell apparently. Yeah, one or two people have spoiled the ride known as "life" for me, but people as a whole I find very inspiring. We talk to one another, provide for one another if needed, and forgive each other. Don't get me wrong, there's quite a few bad apples out there, and getting angry with them is with reason, but there's one thing life has taught me; You can't have the good without the bad. I guess you could say it's a way of checks and balance. To quote a very kick-ass television show, "It's the blemishes that make her beautiful", which is the very best way to describe life, that is if you ask me.
Well, I guess I've rambled long enough... but I don't know if I've really said anything. I get that it's a lot to read, the ideas may be jumbled, the writing may be trite and repetitive, so if there's one thing that I want you as the reader to take back from this memoir, it's this;
Life sucks. We all may be different, but we're also all the same, and we're in this together.
Thanks for reading.
Michael Thomas Flanders
Phoenix, AZ
Age 22
Agnostic
Religion. Religion is not a big thing for me. It never has been, it may very well never be (but I've been wrong before). Yeah, I may be a reverend (of Agnostic denomination), but I've never understood the big "hoopla" surrounding religion. However, that hasn't stopped it from laying impact upon my life.
My grandmother is religious. She goes to church (when she can build up the ambition to get out of bed), believes in God, says her prayers, etc. etc. I even think she classifies herself as a Christian. Has she told me to go to church before? You bet your ass she has! Has she ever forced me to go to church or sat me down to ask if I've found Jesus yet (By the way, this is where I'd normally say something along the lines of "Ah crap, have you lost him again?", but I'll bite my tongue)? No, she has never done that.
My other grandmother (a far less religious one, but who I'm told used to frequent church regularly) took me to church once. Don't ask me what sort of church it was because I was too young to remember all of the details. Either way, it wasn't a pleasant experience for me. I was pulled from my environment, taken away from my grandmother, sent to Sunday School and then found myself surrounded by a bunch of kids preaching about God. That wasn't the worst part though. The worst part came in the form of the Sunday School teacher. She seemed like a nice enough gal when not talking about God, but gave me the willies when everything detoured back to "Him".
"Has your soul been saved?", "Do you talk to God regularly?", "What's your favorite story from the Bible?"
What sort of questions were these for a four year old?! Up until I was eight I didn't even know what a "soul" was, let alone whether mine had been saved or not! As for the talking to God thing, I had tried once, but he never returned my call. It could have something to do with the fact that I didn't know how to dial his number, but that's just a theory. And what was my favorite story from the Bible? Well, I hadn't even seen one (a Bible I mean) until that very excursion to church, so the weird looks everyone gave me when I said "Batman" was understandable.
Needless to say, I freaked.
I proceeded to burst into tears and call the teacher fat, thus causing her to break into tears. Don't worry though, she got over it a lot quicker than I did with my "exposure" to holiness. Luckily, she was able to calm me down with some chocolate she had stuffed away in her desk, which ironically enough is why any time I walk into a church I automatically think there's chocolate hidden away somewhere, but I digress...
I've had a few other run-ins with religion. Nothing as traumatizing as my first visit to church, but still pretty bizarre. I've been hit on by Mormon chicks. I scared Latter Day Saints once by wearing an all black and red suit (for my brother's graduation, mind you). I was accosted at a bus stop by a Christian who thought my skull necklace was "Satan Worship". I've even been anointed with Jewish oil (Don't ask). Hell, I was told recently that I was being possessed by demons. Actually, that one stung a little because it messed with my head for a day or two. Oh, and because I shouldn't have been allowed near salt. Gotta have my salt...
Now though, I've been left to dwell on religion more so than I usually would. I have various groups of people telling me lots of different things. I've one religion telling me that I need to walk with God, that the only way to Heaven is "His" path. Without "Him" in my heart I'll surely be lost. Another religion is telling me that there is no such thing as Hell (which there is, go look at strip joints - the girls can touch you, but you can't touch them and you can't touch yourself! Come on!). A few other people with undisclosed beliefs have told me things like "There is no God, only existence.", "Your afterlife is what you make of it, just live as a good person and you'll be fine.", "When I die I'm going to the moon!" Yeah, that last one raised my eyebrows too. But you know what, it could've been worse, at least they didn't say Disneyland.
The thing I've come to realize about all of these point of views is this; None of them are wrong. Are any of them right though, that would be the question.
Ask any person from any religious denomination (or relationship with their "higher power") if their belief is wrong and they'll surely say no. They'll say that theirs is the only way and everyone else is just confused, that everyone else needs to (pretty much) pull their heads out of their asses and realize they're wrong.
How is that right?
There's God, Buddha, Kali, Thor (along with all of them up in Valhalla), Ganesha, Baron Samedi, Baldur, Hathor (as well as Anubis), Zeus (don't forget the troops over at Olympus), Hecate, cows (again, eyebrows raised), and countless others, each equipped with at least one religion to back them and an infinite list of things that I don't understand. Here's the thing though, each group thinks that they are the "super power" and the others are wrong. To me, that just sounds like a pissing contest.
"Oh, worship me and no one else." "No, worship me! I've got the ability to do this! (Flings arm and does something cool) See?!" "No, no, they've all got it wrong, it's actually all about me! I have chicken!!!"
As a westerner I'm told my "God of Choice" is "THE". You know, Mr. Almighty, "Mr. I let my son die to repent for humanity's sins, yet brought him back to do all this groovy stuff, but then had him become one with me, so now my son is known as me and I'm known as him, and it does sound like a really bad episode of Jerry Springer, but you have to have faith in this or be bludgeoned to death with something heavy." Figure out who it is now? Glad, thought you would.
The funny thing is I believe this. "Why", you ask?
First off, it sounds too ridiculous not to believe. Secondly, I have faith. Am I letting it drip out of every orifice? No. That's just a little unsanitary, and I've found it causes people to look at you differently. Is faith a bad thing to have? Of course not, everyone needs faith in something. Do I go to church every Sunday and turn to God every time I have an issue? No. I was told something once by a very smart individual, "God doesn't take attendance", which means I can use my time on Sunday for something more productive (like sarcastically thanking God for the weeds that sprouted in my backyard and grow like wildfire, which I can only cut down in the early morning because it's too damn hot to do it any other time of the day!) More over, I can't turn to God every time I have an issue. Yeah, the big stuff (like death or a serious break up) usually warrants a call to the big man, but a lot of people forget that he only helps the people that help themselves first. (And before anyone asks, yes, I pray, get over it.)
Okay, so we've established that I believe in God,(And FYI - just because I believe in God doesn't make any other religions not real) right? Right. Does that mean that just because I believe in God I am Christian, Catholic or what have you? No. There's too much crap happening behind the scenes in the Bible to dedicate myself to one of those titles. Besides, an older rule from Christianity says I'm going to Hell for having a tattoo. Sorry, but they can take that rule and shove it. On top of that, the Bible is mere interpretation, but I'll delve deeper into that in a bit, as well as my "other" belief.
This whole speaking of titles thing has made me realize something. Religion is high school. You've got all of these different groups that intermingle with one another, but never really understand or want to talk to each other. Not saying this is exactly how it would be, but let's look at it like this: Atheists - drop outs, Agnostics - geeks, Hinduism and other eastern religions - foreign exchange students, Catholicism - greasers/gang bangers, Judaism - the know-it-alls, Christianity - jocks/popular kids, and so on. You've got the Atheists who just want to be left alone, the Agnostics who pay attention to the world around them but don't say a word so they don't get pummeled, the Catholics who pick on whoever doesn't see things their way, the Easterners who don't know what the hell is going on, but all think we're stupid because of our arrogance, the Jews (only using the slang term to make a point, remember, no maliciousness!) who laugh at us because they think they have a better grasp on everything than we do, the Christians who trashcan and de-pants people because they are the "cool kids", and can do what they want. What all of these groups need is a rehashing of "The Breakfast Club" so they realize that it's not about titles, it's just about who we are. We're all different, yet we are all the same. We all breathe, bleed, and all have a fairly similar endgame in our religions (in a word, happiness). We, put simply, are people.
I mentioned a moment ago that I had another belief. That belief is in fact people. There is an issue with this though. People are flawed. I've been told you can't trust people, people are sinful, people are evil, blah blah blah. And to a certain extent, this is true. I said that the Bible is mere interpretation, and my point for that is it was written by man, so what was the "Word of God" could've been changed. That doesn't mean all of the Bible is wrong. I agree that you shouldn't covet a neighbor's wife, that killing is bad, lying just sucks (and breaking promises, which is a form of lying, and I'm a stickler for promises), and so on. But here's the sitch, God gave us three things, or gifts if you'd like to look at it that way - free will, the world, and each other.
Like I said, people are flawed. That doesn't stop a lot of us from trying to live a good life or do the right thing. Some times it seems hard to do what's right, and often people make mistakes, but people are also forgiving. I mean after all, we're only human and we all were cut from the same cloth, at least so to speak. Besides, a real God fearing person should realize that condemning humanity (like a couple of people I know) is actually one of the things that got Lucifer canned. Aside from his wanting to be seen as God (which actually makes sense, what child doesn't grow up and say "I want to be just like you!"?) or as better than God (again, what child doesn't grow up wanting to be better than their folks?), Lucifer was cast into Hell because he couldn't bow before man, because he didn't believe in us, because he didn't have faith in us.
I was told, very recently mind you, that my stake in humanity was wrong. I shouldn't place my faith in people because they'll let me down. In actuality, that train of thought is wrong, and a one-way ticket to Hell apparently. Yeah, one or two people have spoiled the ride known as "life" for me, but people as a whole I find very inspiring. We talk to one another, provide for one another if needed, and forgive each other. Don't get me wrong, there's quite a few bad apples out there, and getting angry with them is with reason, but there's one thing life has taught me; You can't have the good without the bad. I guess you could say it's a way of checks and balance. To quote a very kick-ass television show, "It's the blemishes that make her beautiful", which is the very best way to describe life, that is if you ask me.
Well, I guess I've rambled long enough... but I don't know if I've really said anything. I get that it's a lot to read, the ideas may be jumbled, the writing may be trite and repetitive, so if there's one thing that I want you as the reader to take back from this memoir, it's this;
Life sucks. We all may be different, but we're also all the same, and we're in this together.
Thanks for reading.
Michael Thomas Flanders
Phoenix, AZ
Age 22
Agnostic
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